Posts from October, 2007

Trouble is Kid Rock's middle name. Actually it isn't - it's probably Jeb or Enos or Clawfoot or something - but that doesn't matter because Trouble is also Kid Rock's best friend, wife, vicar and Meals On Wheels delivery operative.

Kid Rock is addicted to trouble, and it doesn't matter if it's the sort of trouble that involves physical violence or the sort of trouble that involves making dreadful redneck heavy metal that sounds like it should exclusively soundtrack cross-eyed, chipped-tooth monster truck rallies. But sometimes Kid Rock's penchant for trouble gets him into, um, trouble - like when Kid Rock decided to use the live, globally-televised MTV VMA awards this year to start a fight with Tommy Lee. However, despite everyone in the world seeing Kid Rock and Tommy Lee slapping each other like babies during the awards, police have announced that Kid Rock won't be charged for the brawl, mainly because they need all their MTV VMA manpower to try and pin a charge of Miming With Intent To Appal on Britney Spears.

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Now, the more religious of you might look at Britney Spears and think "there's a young lady going straight to hell" - but Britney Spears is determined not to go to hell, and she doesn't care how many priests she has to seduce to avoid it.

Although the whirlpool of custody cases and drug allegations and head-shaving, vagina-baring madness has overtaken Britney Spears' life at the moment, it's good to see that Britney hasn't completely turned her back on what she's good at - annoying the clergy. One of the booklet photos for Britney Spears' new album Blackout has caused controversy among Catholics because it shows Britney Spears sitting on a priest's lap in a short skirt. If anything, though, the Catholics should be pleased by this - the priest in the photo clearly isn't aroused at all by Britney Spears, and is instead wearing a facial expression halfway between "What's that smell? Has someone farted?" and "Oh Christ no, not the vagina again!"

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All of the sudden daytime talk show hosts love crying all over you. We're unhappy about this because we have a feeling Jerry Springer's acidic tears would stain our pink velveteen night jacket, and Montel Williams might mop his greasy face with our clip-on tie. We found it in a second hand store, but still, we greatly prefer it unsoiled. $2.50 is $2.50, you know what we mean?

It wasn't so long ago Ellen DeGeneres cried on her show because she made her dog sleep with the same vet that plugged up it's spooter-shooter. That exact same remorse is what Oprah Winfrey is now showing for placing loads of African girls square in the lap of an apparent horny child molester. Granted this time the tears weren't on TV, they were from a podium or something, directly in front of the parents of all the girls in her school.

Now the question is will the parents forgive Oprah, or will they feed her to pumas as we've heard is an extremely ancient custom in that part of barbaria. Chances are, we'll never really know without sifting through African puma-poo with poo-sifting implements. They have those, you know. We saw some in Target.

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Let OJ Simpson's predicament be a warning to all would-be armed robbers - it's important to increase morale in your posse-members, either by offering them better pay, more holiday time or holding regular ice cream parties for them.

OJ Simpson neglected to do any of these things when he was recruiting his rowdy gang of crooks for his alleged armed robbery of a hotel room last month, so it's no surprise that they're all quickly turning on him. It's been revealed that a third member of OJ Simpson's goon-squad has accepted a plea deal with prosecutors that will see him get a lighter punishment in return for a testimony against OJ Simpson in court - a situation that could have been easily avoided if OJ Simpson had just shown some appreciation for his supposed accomplices by remembering the date of their wedding anniversary or holding some kind of team-bonding Hot-Cha-Cha Chili Cook-Off competition for his knuckle-dragging traitorous renegade henchmen.

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Hecklerspray's tip for the day: try not to book hotels online using hotel review websites - specifically for Parisian hotels - because if you believe the sites, every single hotel has no electricity, an infestation of bed-bugs and is next to a noisy brothel. Frankly, they'll make you scared to leave your house.

But we're sure Jane's Hotel isn't like that at all. Jane's Hotel is another one of those business sims where you start off with a modest little two-star hotel and gradually work your way up until you have a world-beating five-star inn. Keep your customers happy with good food, great service and wonderful facilities and the key to Jane's Hotel will be yours. And then some arsey tourist will write a review about it on a website saying the local prostitutes gave him lice and your reputation will be destroyed forever. Probably.

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Since leaving EastEnders in 1999, Patsy Palmer has become one of the most famous human beings on Earth thanks to her red-raw, groundbreaking performances in Patsy Palmer's Ibiza Workout and that reality TV show about sad dogs.

But even though Patsy Palmer's workout DVD/ dog show-based career has seen her get deified by all of the world's religious leaders and effectively bring an end to the Middle East crisis by herself with an innovative mixture of three-legged dogs and full-arm squat-thrusts to copyright-free dance music, Patsy Palmer has decided to return to her roots with an announcement that she'll become an EastEnders cast-member again early next year.

Oh, you know, Patsy Palmer. The ginger one. Played Bianca. Shouted a lot. Google her or something.

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One of the main reasons we're so happy that X Factor is back is because the hokey unconvincing X Factor theme nights are back, which meant that on Saturday everyone had to sing a song from the movies.

This is because Celine Dion was the special X Factor guest on Saturday and, since she sang the song from Titanic, Songs From The Movies was probably a slightly politer X Factor theme than Really Crap Songs That Only Wankers Like Which Are Sung By People Who Deserve To Be Drowned, the only other theme that Celine Dion fits into. Not that it matters, though - with a couple of exceptions, the X Factor contestants' songs only managed to be Song From The Movies so long as you can count 'second song played in the end credits after everyone has gone home' as a song from the movie. OK, we'll admit that we're just bitter because Rhydian didn't sing the overdose theme from Requiem For A Dream.

Who'll win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Beverley Trottman, Andy Williams, Leon Jackson and Futureproof, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

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William Shatner brings a sparkle of class to whatever he touches, whether it's TV work, movies or inexplicable covers of Elton John songs sung between three different William Shatners - but the new Star Trek movie won't see any of that.

And that's because William Shatner won't be in the new Star Trek movie. Although he was rumoured to have a cameo in the movie alongside Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner has revealed that meetings with the new Star Trek director JJ Abrams were unsuccessful and the movie will go ahead sans Shatner. And now William Shatner can't stop bitching about the Star Trek snub. But can you blame him? After all, we'd be bitter if our derided egomaniacal role in a TV show that hasn't been made for almost 40 years wasn't reprised in a movie that's set several years before the TV show we starred in 40 years ago, too. Or something. Oh look, we've confused ourselves now.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Cryptozoology/Myths

Cryptozoology is a category of odd "animals" that may or may not exist. Bigfoot is a member of this exclusive group, so is Nessie, a whole bunch of lizard people and loads of other near-mythological creatures. Normally though, sightings of these animals are purely visual with zero physical interaction.

Occasionally this changes, and not only does a witness get to see an alleged phenomena, but they get attacked by it too. So it is with El Petizo, a creature sighted in Argentina that is apparently made of shadow. A boy there had to fight him with a shotgun and knife fairly recently, but his weapons were useless.

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As humans, it's only natural that we look at Britney Spears from time to time and think "Golly, someone really did a bang-up job of raising that little delight to be a well-rounded and conscientious member of society."

However, our feeling of admiration at the exemplary way that Britney Spears was raised into the angel she is today is often tempered with a deep burning resentment at the fact that, no matter what we do, we'll never be able to bring up our children to be anywhere near the glowing standard of saintly humanity that Britney Spears has set. So we can't believe our luck that Britney Spears' mother Lynne Spears is all set to publish Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World next year. It's basically a how-to manual for anyone who wants to raise their kids to be just like Britney Spears. We're especially looking forward to the chapter about pushing your young child relentlessly through the machinations of fame at the obvious cost of her mental safety.

No, wait, that's the whole book. Our mistake.

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"If it's Halloween it must be Saw" goes the trailer for top weekend box office movie Saw IV, a phrase which was presumably shortened down from "If it's Halloween it must be another rubbish Saw sequel that we'll keep chucking out forever."

Because, despite being exactly the same as all the other Saw films right down to the annoying music and plot that makes no sense whatsoever, Saw IV is the highest-earning weekend box office movie for weeks. We're just guessing here, but we'd imagine that 50% of those who watched Saw IV saw it because they want to see the needlessly elaborate death traps and the other 50% were hoping that Saw IV would answer some of the lingering questions left from previous instalments. Questions like "What's going on?", "No, seriously, I don't understand this at all. What's going on?" and "Did I really pay money to see this nonsense again?"

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