Posts from October, 2007

Osbourne? Winehouse? Katona? Osbourne? Marsh?

Next month, hecklerspray will unveil the first annual UK Trainwreck Of The Year list in conjunction with our new best friends Monsters And Critics. Thing is, though, we're going to need your help.

We want to find the ten British celebrities who have bollocksed things up for themselves in the most spectacular way through drugs, sex, alcohol, illegal behaviour or just good old-fashioned stupidity, crowning the winner Trainwreck Of The Year. And your input is going to be vital. Here's what you need to do…

Email us at hello[AT]hecklerspray.com with a list of your top three UK trainwrecks. Your first choice will be awarded three points, your second choice two points and your third choice one point. Then, at the end of November, we're going to tally up all your scores, add them to the results of our own office survey and, lo, the inaugural UK Trainwreck Of The Year will be born. But who should you vote for?

Will it be Joss Stone for her onstage Brits meltdown? Jim Davidson for destroying his career on Hell's Kitchen? Heather Mills for her garbled rant on GMTV? Amy Winehouse for her drug overdose? Lily Allen for getting banned from America? Pete Doherty for, well, being Pete Doherty? It's up to you, and you have until Friday November 30 to make your choice.

Remember - the world is full of trainwrecks, but we're only interested in the British ones. Happy hunting! 

There's nothing like a list of people who earn more in a year than you ever will in your entire life even though they've been dead for years to inject some sunshine into your life, is there?

That's right - the annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List has been published, and it's been another classic year for Elvis Presley. Elvis has managed to earn $49 million over the last year, $5 million more than his nearest rival John Lennon could muster. It's a triumphant return to the top spot for Elvis Presley, who was knocked into second place last year by Kurt Cobain, with industry experts claiming that this reflects the current public trend for favouring bloated corpses with blasted-open colons over miserable corpses with bits of their heads missing.

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If only James Bond was based on the life of Pierce Brosnan, things would be so much better - Tomorrow Never Dies might have included a scene where 007 rolled round a car park trying to punch a photographer in the ribs and swearing a lot.

Because, if you haven't already guessed, that's what Pierce Brosnan has been accused of doing. Malibu police are apparently investigating claims that Pierce Brosnan attacked a paparazzi photographer outside a Los Angeles restaurant on Friday after telling him to "fuck off" and "get a real fucking job." Reports that Daniel Craig plans to beat up exactly the same photographer next week in a grittier and more slightly convincing way - using less invisible cars and sky lasers - are still totally unfounded.

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Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, full-scale wild-eyed boogaloo angry sobbing televised breakdowns are all the go, and that's why nobody really doubted that Heather Mills would try her hand at one before long.

But nobody could have expected that Heather Mills' red-faced tantrum would have been so berserk. However, on GMTV this morning Heather Mills had one of the most spectacular televised breakdowns in all of history than included Heather Mills screaming comparisons between herself, Princess Diana and Kate McCann, conducting direct-to-camera threats to all journalists everywhere, claiming that people are trying to kill her, claiming that she wants to kill herself and demanding that the European courts immediately change the laws so that newspapers are only allowed to say what a wonderful person Heather Mills is.

It's a cracker, promise.

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Life used to be so much simpler than it is now.  

Take raising children, for one. We have fond memories of when parents would pack us into the back of the station wagon for 12-hour road trips to Nana’s house like a bunch wild animals hopped up on generic soda and Cheeze-Its. Nowadays you have to secure the little tykes into properly installed safety seats and can’t strap one to the luggage rack when they keep counting the bottles of beer on the wall and just… won’t… SHUT UP. 

And whatever happened to the good old days when a six-month-pregnant woman who has surrendered all self-restraint to the nicotine gods and habitually smoke in peace? Maybe Nicole Richie knows, because she was spotted smoking a few ciggies in a scenario very similar to this one.  

Or maybe she wasn’t. It could have just been a rumour. That’s what Nicole Richie is saying, anyway.  

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If we could wish one baby into the world, it would be a hybrid between Naomi Campbell and a velociraptor. It's because they both have those weird little arms. That's what made us think of it in the first place. That baby would be something else.

Now a baby we wouldn't wish on you would be a hybrid between Tupac Shakur and Madonna - Madge sure wanted to wish it on you though. If a new book is to be believed, in the mid-nineties Madonna yearned for Tupac's sweet seed to fester inside her. His seed had requirements though - requirements like full access to a bouncy convertible and a stomach tattoo artist.

Unfortunately back then Madonna's baby-processor had none of those, so Tupac walked on.

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Britney Spears was supposed to regain custody of her kids yesterday, but it seems that evil Kevin Federline managed to stay one step ahead of Britney by pulling cruel tricks like communicating with the children sometimes, the wily git.

The judge in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight has ruled not to allow Britney Spears custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James just yet. It's all thanks to a report by Britney's parenting coach, who worries that Britney Spears doesn't ever talk to, or play with, her young sons and lacks the routine that children crave. But rather than banning her from seeing the kids, the judge is allowing Britney Spears to see them twice a week until the next hearing. The rest of their time will be spent with Kevin Federline, who does have a strict routine with the children.

True, the routine mainly includes listening to Popozao, counting his divorce settlement cash and ordering his infant children to make him cups of tea, but it's still a routine.

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1980s shooting games were so much simpler than now, don't you think? All you needed to take on the might of the world's evil was a one-man army charging around open spaces with a machine gun that fired bullets oddly larger than the gun itself.

And that's what Soldier is - a remake of the 1985 classic Commando, Soldier sees you pelting around all sorts of global war zones taking out baddie after baddie without a single thought for their families. You know why? Because emotions are for pussies! In Soldier, guns are your emotions, and the only tears you'll try will be tears of lead out of your gun-duct.

Play Soldier now 

Now, chances are you've just read the words 'Cliff Richard: Literally The New Radiohead' and assumed that Sir Cliff Richard has recorded a depressing wonky-eyed album full of experimentally introspective songs called things like Kafka SMTP.

However, the truth is a little more boring. Instead of, say, soundtracking an avant-garde movie about radio static with a series of dissonant chords played on the back of a kettle, Cliff Richard has instead decided to let his fans choose how much they want to pay for his new album entitled Love… The Album. But it's pretty much entirely irrelevant what hare-brained scheme Cliff Richard has dreamed up to sell his new record, because it rests on the hinges of Cliff Richard fans using the internet to preorder the album, and in our experience most Cliff Richard fans are so technologically backwards that they've only just learnt that DVDs aren't for spreading jam on and trying to eat like shiny Ryvita.

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Following the gargantuan success of Transformers, it would seem that the studios are literally falling over themselves to create films based on best-selling toys that will spawn whole new generations of best-selling toys - a bit like the life cycle of Giger's Alien, but with parts that may prove a choking hazard to children aged three and under.

Latest toy-update on the agenda? Well, hecklerspray had its money on Boglins: an all-action reimagining starring Renee Zellweger and a CGI Les Dawson. Alas, we were wrong.

It turns out that G.I. Joe is the next big name coming your way.

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X Factor enters its third week of live finals on Saturday, and it'll need to pull out all the stops to compete with the thousands of damp, miserable firework displays going on up and down the country at the same time.

Actually, who are we kidding? If there's one thing that X Factor is world class at, it's disappointing pyrotechnics - whether it's Sharon Osbourne flouncing off the show and then sheepishly coming back again three seconds later, the painfully deliberate bickering between the other X Factor judges or the singers themselves, who this year all seem to have been pulled from the back row of a nativity play run by a specialist school for the hopelessly untalented. X Factor is the televisual equivalent of watching a boy try to write his name in the air with a sparkler, but without the exciting but at the end where he badly burns his hand. And, tragically, we're hooked already.

Here's the last of this week's X Factor betting odds to win - for Hope, Rhydian Roberts and Niki Evans - with help from Paddy Power…

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We've all been there - you move into a house, the neighbours introduce themselves and invite you round for dinner, then next thing you know they're yelling at you about E-Meters and the threat of Xenu stealing your body-thetans.

Most people would have expected David Beckham to know this more than anyone, because his neighbour is Tom Cruise. However, in a new interview David Beckham has gone to huge lengths to make it clear that Tom Cruise absolutely doesn't shove his Scientology beliefs down David Beckham's throat and, although David Beckham respects Tom Cruise's religion, neither Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes have ever tried to force him into Scientology. Unless you'd count burning the phrase 'JOIN US' in giant letters onto David Beckham's lawn as 'forcing', of course. Which we're legally entitled to point out is something that Tom Cruise has never done, by the way, although he might want to think about it if he's serious about getting David Beckham to join this Scientology lark.

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