From the monthly archives:

September 2007

SLACKERJACK – Grow Island

by Stuart Heritage

There isn’t enough space on the entire internet to tell you how much we love Eyezmaze games and their utterly simplistic, painfully frustrating perfection. And you’ll be pleased to know that Grow Island, the latest Eyezmaze game, is just as good as anything that’s come before it.

If you’ve played an Eyezmaze game before, you’ll know exactly what you expect from Grow Island – there’s an environment and eight different icons for you to place on it and watch interact with everything. Ultimately the trick of Grow Island is to place the items on the island in the right order, but – as with all the other Eyezmaze games – the beauty comes by experimenting and seeing how the island reacts to various combinations of items. Rarely has an online game been as heartwarming as Grow island.

Play Grow Island now

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Charlotte Church Has Baby Girl, Orangeness Still Unconfirmed

by Stuart Heritage

Charlotte Church, the nation’s favourite tiresomely opinionated young opera star, has given birth to a baby girl fathered by her painfully narcissistic bright orange rugby player boyfriend Gavin Henson.

Born on Thursday night, the name of Charlotte Church’s new baby daughter has yet to be revealed. But that’s not important yet – what’s important is the myriad violent changes that will be occurring within the Church household now there’s been a new arrival. For instance, it’s bound to be a shock to be confronted by a constantly wailing, funny-coloured, attention-seeking creature with little or no bowel control and a voice specifically designed to instantly set everyone around it on edge – but, hey, the baby’s just going to have to get used to having Charlotte Church for a mother, isn’t she?

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Brian Capron & Kenny Logan

by Stuart Heritage

The start of a new week always warms our souls, because it’s another week closer to the start of the new Strictly Come Dancing series. But, more than that, it’s another week closer to the end of the new Strictly Come Dancing series.

All this week, just as we did last week, we’re going to be running down the recently-announced celebrities taking part on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Not literally running them down with a big car – various restraining orders prevent that – but running down their chances of winning with some nifty Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. Remember that you’re going to get the best betting odds of the whole season if you bet before the show actually starts – plus it means you don’t have to watch Strictly Come Dancing, and it’s small pleasures like these that make life worth living don’t you think?

So here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Brian Capron and Kenny Logan, with help from Paddy Power…

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The nice and the nasty. Folded: Death Proof (most people hate it, but show the world you know what you’re talking about and love it) Ruth Watson, The Hotel Inspector (strangely sexy, with her random swearing and Swing Out Sister haircut) Danbury ‘Rio’ (a Volkswagen Type 2 with leather seats. Please send us one for [...]

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Snoop Dogg’s Massive Weapon Earns Him Community Service

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes the urge to make the world a better place comes gradually over the course of a number of years, but for Snoop Dogg it tends to come right after airport security catch you trying to sneak a deadly weapon on a plane.

The kerfuffle over Snoop Dogg waltzing onto a plane last year with a 21-inch collapsible police baton has finally come to an end, with Snoop being sentenced to 160 hours community service and a $10,000 donation to charity. Clearly relieved that the ending to his case will benefit not only him but the wider community around him, Snoop Dogg has revealed that he’s going to spend that 160 hour sentence and the $10,000 on a public service announcement for his new charity, the Snoop Dogg Apparently You Aren’t Even Allowed To Take Giant Battering Sticks On Planes Any More Fund, where $9,800 will be used to pay Pharrell Williams for standing in the background bobbing up and down and saying “Yessirs” twice.

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Jay-Z Sees Movie, Likes It, Makes Concept Album About It

by Stuart Heritage

Usually when you see an album of songs ‘inspired’ by a movie you know the only thing a band was actually ‘inspired’ to do was hand over a half-finished B-side written months before the movie was actually made.

But not so with Jay-Z. Because Jay-Z, you see, has seen an early screening of the new Ridley Scott movie American Gangster, starring Denzel Washington, and liked it so much that he’s decided to make an entire album about it. We’re not sure what it was about the story of a black New York drug dealer who becomes a highly respected businessman that clicked with Jay-Z, but he must have enjoyed American Gangster a lot because the album is coming out in six weeks’ time. It’s high praise indeed for the new movie, because it’s the first time that Jay-Z has based his music around a film for ages – the last time was Annie, which Jay-Z loves and wishes he could star in.

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Denise Richards: Charlie Sheen Webcams His Privies

by Shawn Lindseth

In today's ramshackled, fast-paced society, it's easy to get lost in the buzz and whir of the hand-crafted technology we surround ourselves with. It wasn't like that a long time ago though. No – our ancestors had no such electricals to speak of. Their main concern was a bit more primitive, but mandatory for the [...]

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Britney Spears Parties Like She Just Don’t Care (About Her Kids)

by Stuart Heritage

Things Britney Spears should learn, part 274 – when judges accuse you of being such a bad parent that you must take random drug tests, it’s probably not a great idea to go out dancing on nightclub tables with a sock on your head.

But, hey, that’s Britney Spears – if you can’t teach her how to put a rudimentary dance routine together, you sure as hell can’t teach her that going out partying directly after a judge called her a habitually drunk drug abuser is the fastest way to lose her kids. As more claims emerge about Britney Spears’ parenting skills – this time Britney keeps her babies awake until late so they don’t wake her in the mornings – it’s been reported that Britney Spears hit the clubs of LA for a badly-timed all-night party this week. And it gets worse – Britney Spears was partying with Avril Lavigne. Those poor kids, not only do they have a potentially drug-addict mother and a waster father, but now they have to put up with smelly Auntie Avril lurching about the place too? That’s just wrong.

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SLACKERJACK – Touch The Bubbles

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a testament to our unbelievable immaturity that the name Touch The Bubbles made us giggle childishly for about five minutes before we played it because it sounds vaguely rude. Except it doesn’t. We are idiots.

It’s hardly worth telling you how to play Touch The Bubbles because we don’t want to insult your intelligence. There are some bubbles and you need to touch them before the escape from the screen. Every time a Touch The Bubbles bubble does escape from the screen you lose a little bit of life, so don’t do it too often. But, hey, don’t forget to read the instruction page of Touch The Bubbles, which is basically just a man complaining that he’s depressed. Happy days!

Play Touch The Bubbles Now

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Keane Get Puzzlingly Gangsta

by Stuart Heritage

Keane aren’t a band who like being pigeonholed – although that’s got more to do with the combined mass of their giant moon-faces being unable to fit into standard pigeonholes than a need to constantly change musical direction.

But that doesn’t mean that Keane can halt their spectacularly restless creative muse, though. Keane pride themselves on making each new album sound different to ones that came before it so – while Keane’s first album was an experiment in painfully sensitive girlishness that only idiots like, and their second album was an experiment in slightly bleak girlishness that only idiots like – Keane have announced that their next album is going to sound like Dr Dre. Exactly like Dr Dre. They’re even going to wear big gold chains and breakdance and black their faces up and pimp a bitch like all those rappers they saw on that wonderful arts documentary on BBC Four recently.

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