Posts from September, 2007

Trying to guess when Britney Spears will hit rock-bottom is fast becoming an impossible task - if you thought Britney Spears' life couldn't get worse after all that's happened to her lately, you can't have thought too much about Britney in jail.

In all the excitement yesterday about Britney Spears' bodyguard blathering on about Britney's drug overdose and chronic farting problem, we forgot to mention that Britney Spears might end up in jail after she was charged on Friday with hit and run and not owning a valid California driving license - all stemming from an incident in a car park in August. It's all a sharp reminder of how far Britney Spears' stock has fallen over the last few years - there was a time when the phrase 'Britney Spears in jail' conjured up images of a sexy pop video and not a red-eyed lunatic crouched in the foetal position crying and babbling a made-up language at her petrified cellmate who can barely even maintain consciousness due to Britney's constant rancid farting. Remember those days? Do you?

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AIDS is a horrible disease most often transmitted through cigarette smoke and dolphin meat. We know this because we've researched it since the seventies.

Our studies also show the sickness doesn't start out as AIDS - first it's HIV. And before it's HIV it's often pneumonia and/or the whooping cough. There's a whole chain of diseases that precede it actually, but AIDS is definitely the evil culmination. Although we don't hate AIDS because it's rampant monkey carriers have never assaulted us, it does have a distinct and unpleasant aura about it.

If we had a time machine we'd travel back and impede the gay gorilla that first seduced a sailor or something, thus passing the sickness on to humankind. We hate that monkey. George Michael probably hates that well-dressed monkey too - maybe even more than we do. He's a rampant drug-loving homosexual who hasn't had an AIDS test in years because he's terrified of the possible results.

This is a fact he let slip in an interview. He wishes he hadn't.

So says some guy who knows.

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Actors - if you ever star in a low-key thriller about all kinds of non-specific Serious Things and you want to boost publicity for the premiere, why not try busting up your ribs falling off a motorbike like George Clooney?

Up until Friday, there can't have been many people all that excited about the premiere for George Clooney's new movie Michael Clayton - about, as far as we can tell, an anxious lawyer running up a hill to make an important point about something serious - but since the premiere marked the first public outing for George Clooney after fracturing his ribs in a motorbike accident, the whole world paid attention to the Michael Clayton premiere just to see the extent of George Clooney's injuries. And, by hurting himself right when the movie needed hyping most, there's a chance that George Clooney may have started a Hollywood trend. So you know who to thanks when Tom Cruise invariably blows his own foot off with a shotgun a week before Lions For Lambs gets released.

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Golf, as far as we've been able to work out, was invented by the dinosaurs, who invented elaborate wheeled catapults to move them about each course so they could utilise their uncanny knack for judging power and angles.

OK, we'll admit that our golf history knowledge was almost exclusively researched by playing Golf Drive, today's Slackerjack. If you haven't already guessed, Golf Drive is a sort of prehistoric catapult-based golf game, where you need to judge distance and angles and power to try and fling a ball into a hole. And you know what? We can see why the Golf Drive prehistoric catapult thing didn't really catch on - Golf Drive is so bloody difficult that it almost reduced us to tears.

Play Golf Drive now 

Everyone lies sometimes.

Whether they're harmless little fibs like "no, darling, you don't look fat in that dress" or gigantic whoppers like "Yes, Mr Tarantino, your last few films have all been superb," untruths form an inherent part of our daily lives.

Yet it's best to be careful who you go telling porkie pies to. For example, you wouldn't want to go lying to the FBI. Oh - apart from that bloke who works in the basement. You'll probably get away with it then. What's his name? Mulder? The dude'll believe anything. Even that signing on for a seventh season was a good idea.

One person who didn't get away with spreading naughty boo-boos, however, is Die Hard director John McTiernan. As such, he's just been sentenced to four months in jail and a $100,000 fine. Which is pretty bad but could be worse - he could have been made to watch Renny Harlin's sequel on an endless loop.

Come to think of it, anything by Renny Harlin.

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The whole world loves internet sex tapes, as they give it the chance to say "oh, so that's how they have sex" or, in Meg White from the White Stripes' case, "oh, so that's how they have sex - also, is that the smell of my retinas burning?"

Yesterday, very briefly, the internet go very excited. Not about a YouTube video of a bear on a hammock or a compulsively-forwarded email hilariously spoofing the Mastercard adverts, but by what appeared to be a Meg White tape. "Finally!" the world thought, "Now I no longer have to imagine which facial expressions the dumpy plain female drummer from The White Stripes - who I've never had a single sexual thought about - pulls as she's getting done by some bloke in a grotty bedroom." But, just as soon as the Meg White sex tape furore started, the Meg White sex tape has been dismissed as a fake. Thanks a lot, the internet - but can someone tell us who to bill for all our teeth that got partially dissolved by vomit just now? 

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We’ve had our fair share of abuse from Pete Doherty fans in the past, who all seem to think it’s cool to idolise a drug-abusing waster.

Not only has he influenced a lot of retarded fans to snort drugs because “if Pete does it it's so like totally spiritual and the work of a modern day poet,” he also wears stupid hats. So what has Pete Doherty gone and done now? Well - amazingly - this isn't another 'Pete Doherty goes to court' story. There are only so many jokes you can make about the skinny twat becoming some inmate's bitch. This time, Pete Doherty's only gone and given his ex-girlfriend Kate Moss a dead rat as a present. How sweet. 

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HD&P Comic Strips, Inc Homepage 

Do you want to hear our Strictly Come Dancing poem? It goes “Strictly Come Dancing, Famous people prancing, When we watch it we wish we were dead.” That last line probably needs a bit of work in all honesty.

But dubious forays into poetry aside, the new series of Strictly Come Dancing starts sooner than we can bear, and the Strictly Come Dancing celebrity contestants have already been named. That’s why this week - much like most of last week - we’re dipping our toes into the pre-series Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But we’re not dipping our toes for very long, because we suspect the water is acidic. Plus it smells a bit of old lady wee. Anyway, join us.

Today we’re looking at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon and John Barnes, with help as ever from Paddy Power…

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Political correctness is a sod, isn't it? Things have gotten so bad that decent, hardworking, heavily-tattooed menfolk aren't even allowed to hit women on the backside hard enough to leave a giant hand-shaped mark any more.

And poor old Dennis Rodman knows this more than anyone. Depending on which country you're from, Dennis Rodman is either a highly respected former world-class NBA rebound expert or that massive glowering bloke from Celebrity Big Brother who managed to survive Faria Alam waggling her tongue at him like a terrifying sex-demon tasting the air for hormones. But the language of battering a woman's backside so violently that it leaves a mark is universal, so let's just say that Dennis Rodman is best known for that from now on, since that's what a California woman has just accused him of - to the point that the incident is being investigated by the police. But surely Dennis Rodman can't get charged with sexual battery just for hitting a woman, can he? They'll be banning rape next if that's true.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Odd Sightings/Cryptozoology

In our opinion Jaws 3 would have been a much better film had the shark been half-man. If that fish had to deal with problems we humans could relate to - like girls not liking him, or taxes, it would still be hailed as the greatest fish/human film of all time. As it were, the writers decided not to go with the half fish angle, probably because they'd never heard of anything like that before.

Sailors in the Caspian Sea have though - boy have they heard of it! The number of merman sightings was escalating a few years back when an oil platform out there started digging. One such sighting was even reported on in an Iranian paper - and those things don't lie!

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Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Britney Spears, her former bodyguard Tony Barretto has decided to tell the world that Britney Spears spooks out her kids by screaming and crying and babbling and farting a lot.

In an interview with the News Of The World, Tony Barretto has made all sorts of very specific claims about how Britney Spears is a mentally-ill, chain-smoking, mostly-nude, constantly-guffing drug addict who almost overdosed and sometimes babbles in a made-up language to her children and employees. Barretto's claims come right in the middle of Britney Spears' increasingly nasty custody battle with Kevin Federline - which has already seen Britney Spears ordered to take twice-weekly drug tests - and the collapse of her professional career. But never mind all that - we're thinking of starting a campaign to get Britney Spears installed as the new boss on The Apprentice. Donald Trump and Alan Sugar just don't believe in flatulent babbling nudity enough for our liking, you see.

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