From the monthly archives:

September 2007

Elton John Sort Of Owns Something That’s Possibly Kiddie Porn

by Stuart Heritage

Elton John loves collecting stuff. Whether it’s platinum albums, outrageous spectacles, crazy outfits, CDs, child pornography, flowers – anything – you can bet your bottom dollar that Elton John has had a go at collecting it at some point.

Wait a minute! Did we… did we just say that Elton John enjoys collecting crazy outfits? Well, yes we did. But in all honesty the child pornography thing was the relevant bit. Even though, strictly speaking, Elton John might not own any actual child pornography. Police in Gateshead last week raided an art gallery to seize an exhibit – a photograph entitled Klara and Edda belly-dancing by Nan Goldin – that they’ve judged to be kiddie porn, and now Elton John has revealed that he’s the owner of the exhibit. Of course, it’s worth pointing out that deliberately-provocative art such as this may have a greater meaning that reflects on the world around it, plus the subjective nature of art appreciation has allowed Klara and Edda belly-dancing to be shown in several other exhibitions without police intervention.

But, mainly, we think our point is this: Urrr! Elton John likes looking at kiddie porn, the big disgusting pervert.

Elton John loves collecting stuff. Whether it's platinum albums, outrageous spectacles, crazy outfits, CDs, child pornography, flowers - anything - you can bet your bottom dollar that Elton John has had a go at collecting it at some point. Wait a minute! Did we... did we just say that Elton John enjoys collecting crazy outfits? Well, yes we did. But in all honesty the child pornography thing was the relevant bit. Even though, strictly speaking, Elton John might not own any actual child pornography. Police in Gateshead last week raided an art gallery to seize an exhibit - a photograph entitled Klara and Edda belly-dancing by Nan Goldin - that they've judged to be kiddie porn, and now Elton John has revealed that he's the owner of the exhibit. Of course, it's worth pointing out that deliberately-provocative art such as this may have a greater meaning that reflects on the world around it, plus the subjective nature of art appreciation has allowed Klara and Edda belly-dancing to be shown in several other exhibitions without police intervention. But, mainly, we think our point is this: Urrr! Elton John likes looking at kiddie porn, the big disgusting pervert.
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Pointless Victoria Beckham All Upset For Being Called Pointless

by Matthew Laidlow

Man, it must really hard being famous. You know, if we had half the status of someone like Jonathan King, we’d be quite happy to give up what we do and totally exploit our fame to rake in every penny possible. Then we could afford to rent out a private yacht and hire out foreign prostitutes to cater for our every need.

Someone who has done such a thing is the human stick-insect Victoria Beckham. You know, she used to sing and prance around in the once popular band The Spice Girls. Since the Spice Girls broke up, each member has managed to gradually fade away into obscurity. But not Victoria Beckham. She managed to cling on to her fame by marrying a footballer! But now she’s feeling the stress of it all. Aww, lets get the violins out. Really, it must be hard being tagged as ‘famous’ when you’re only really known for pouting in newspapers. Let’s look at the so-called famous megastar that is Victoria Beckham.

Man, it must really hard being famous. You know, if we had half the status of someone like Jonathan King, we’d be quite happy to give up what we do and totally exploit our fame to rake in every penny possible. Then we could afford to rent out a private yacht and hire out foreign prostitutes to cater for our every need. Someone who has done such a thing is the human stick-insect Victoria Beckham. You know, she used to sing and prance around in the once popular band The Spice Girls. Since the Spice Girls broke up, each member has managed to gradually fade away into obscurity. But not Victoria Beckham. She managed to cling on to her fame by marrying a footballer! But now she’s feeling the stress of it all. Aww, lets get the violins out. Really, it must be hard being tagged as 'famous' when you’re only really known for pouting in newspapers. Let’s look at the so-called famous megastar that is Victoria Beckham.
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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Gethin Jones & Letitia Dean

by Stuart Heritage

You have every right to be sad – this is the penultimate set of pre-season Strictly Come Dancing betting odds we’ll be doing. But that’s not why you should be sad, you should be sad because it means the actual season of Strictly Come Dancing is nearly upon us.

That’s right – starting next Saturday you’re not going to be able to move for sequined twirling and endless Strictly Come Dancing montages that either suggest that the celebrities and their partners a) hate each other or b) are secretly doing it, with no middle option whatsoever. Remember that by placing a Strictly Come Dancing bet now, you’ll be catching the betting odds at the absolute longest they’ll be, unless one of the contestants falls over and snaps their spine in half. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

So here are today’s Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – for Letitia Dean and Gethin Jones – with help from Paddy Power…

You have every right to be sad - this is the penultimate set of pre-season Strictly Come Dancing betting odds we'll be doing. But that's not why you should be sad, you should be sad because it means the actual season of Strictly Come Dancing is nearly upon us. That's right - starting next Saturday you're not going to be able to move for sequined twirling and endless Strictly Come Dancing montages that either suggest that the celebrities and their partners a) hate each other or b) are secretly doing it, with no middle option whatsoever. Remember that by placing a Strictly Come Dancing bet now, you'll be catching the betting odds at the absolute longest they'll be, unless one of the contestants falls over and snaps their spine in half. But maybe that's just wishful thinking. So here are today's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds - for Letitia Dean and Gethin Jones - with help from Paddy Power...
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Jessica Biel Is Wonder Woman, To Some Extent

by Stuart Heritage

On the basis that attractive people never bother to develop a personality to try and woo members of the opposite sex, we’re constantly staggered that Jessica Biel even bothered to learn how to walk.

This is because Jessica Biel is beautiful, as the results of any recent ‘which celebrity would you like to sleep with most, you delusional civilian?’ survey are only too happy to point out. So far, Jessica Biel’s movie career has mainly consisted of her playing a succession of smiling leggy cleavages – but all of that changes now, because the chance has arisen for Jessica Biel to take on the role of a lifetime. There’s a new Justice League Of America movie being made, and Jessica Biel is in talks to play Wonder Woman. That’s right – this time Jessica Biel will get to expand her repertoire by playing a smiling leggy cleavage… with a piece of rope.

On the basis that attractive people never bother to develop a personality to try and woo members of the opposite sex, we're constantly staggered that Jessica Biel even bothered to learn how to walk. This is because Jessica Biel is beautiful, as the results of any recent 'which celebrity would you like to sleep with most, you delusional civilian?' survey are only too happy to point out. So far, Jessica Biel's movie career has mainly consisted of her playing a succession of smiling leggy cleavages - but all of that changes now, because the chance has arisen for Jessica Biel to take on the role of a lifetime. There's a new Justice League Of America movie being made, and Jessica Biel is in talks to play Wonder Woman. That's right - this time Jessica Biel will get to expand her repertoire by playing a smiling leggy cleavage... with a piece of rope.
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George Clooney Crash: The Confused 911 Call

by Stuart Heritage

If you saw George Clooney getting knocked off a motorbike, you’d probably either call the emergency services or pat down Clooney’s groggy body looking for the money he effectively stole from you that time you went to see Batman & Robin.

Thankfully, though, one person who witnessed George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson falling off a motorbike after being hit by a car in New Jersey last week presumably hadn’t seen Batman & Robin, because his first instinct wasn’t to stamp on Clooney’s windpipe but to dial 911 and save George Clooney from certain death. Well, OK, perhaps not certain death, but possible cold. Unless it wasn’t cold when George Clooney crashed his motorbike. Anyway, the George Clooney 911 tape has been obtained by various websites, and it’s essential listening for anyone who enjoys hearing two people grossly misunderstand each other for four straight minutes.

If you saw George Clooney getting knocked off a motorbike, you'd probably either call the emergency services or pat down Clooney's groggy body looking for the money he effectively stole from you that time you went to see Batman & Robin. Thankfully, though, one person who witnessed George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson falling off a motorbike after being hit by a car in New Jersey last week presumably hadn't seen Batman & Robin, because his first instinct wasn't to stamp on Clooney's windpipe but to dial 911 and save George Clooney from certain death. Well, OK, perhaps not certain death, but possible cold. Unless it wasn't cold when George Clooney crashed his motorbike. Anyway, the George Clooney 911 tape has been obtained by various websites, and it's essential listening for anyone who enjoys hearing two people grossly misunderstand each other for four straight minutes.
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Uh-Oh: The Internet Hates Phil Spector’s Judge

by Stuart Heritage

The deliberations in the Phil Spector murder trial have been creaking along for so long now that people are desperate for anything else to talk about – even hokey nondescript deathish threats made against Phil Spector’s judge on MySpace.

According to reports, the MySpace page of ‘Team Spector’ recently contained a message containing the line “The Evil Judge should DIE!!!!” that was signed off with “xoxo Chelle,” leading some to believe that the message was written by Phil Spector’s wife Rachelle, although she has denied this. That hasn’t stopped the message being investigated by authorities, though – although the investigation may take some time to reach a conclusion because the Team Spector MySpace page is set to private, so the investigators will need to set up their own MySpace page in order to access it, and it’s currently thought that they’re having difficulty deciding whether to have My Humps as their profile song or something by Avril Lavigne – a selection that could take months to make.

The deliberations in the Phil Spector murder trial have been creaking along for so long now that people are desperate for anything else to talk about - even hokey nondescript deathish threats made against Phil Spector's judge on MySpace. According to reports, the MySpace page of 'Team Spector' recently contained a message containing the line "The Evil Judge should DIE!!!!" that was signed off with "xoxo Chelle," leading some to believe that the message was written by Phil Spector's wife Rachelle, although she has denied this. That hasn't stopped the message being investigated by authorities, though - although the investigation may take some time to reach a conclusion because the Team Spector MySpace page is set to private, so the investigators will need to set up their own MySpace page in order to access it, and it's currently thought that they're having difficulty deciding whether to have My Humps as their profile song or something by Avril Lavigne - a selection that could take months to make.
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Hecklerspray Apologises To George Michael With Bible-Like Sincerity

by Shawn Lindseth

It has come to our attention that yesterday, according to the interpretations of some, we brazenly insinuated on multiple occasions that George Michael may or may not have contracted AIDS directly or indirectly from a hot sexy gay monkey. We apologise if this lead any of you to believe that George Michael ever had any [...]

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Kiefer Sutherland’s DUI Bust Could Bugger Up 24

by Stuart Heritage

It wasn’t a big surprise when Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for DUI early yesterday morning – given his reputation, the only surprise was that Kiefer hadn’t drunkenly bought a tank, stuffed it with puppies, set it on fire and driven that about.

But Kiefer Sutherland’s drink-driving arrest has thrown up an uncomfortable situation – thanks to Kiefer Sutherland’s charming disposition towards getting up on booze and driving around, pleading no contest to DUI in 2004 and getting convicted for similar booze/car shenanigans, a conviction for yesterday’s arrest would mean that Kiefer Sutherland could face a year in jail. And that invites questions of what will happen to 24 – the series based almost completely around Kiefer Sutherland – in his absence. Sure, the 24 producers could call back Elisha Cuthbert to do nothing but run around braless in slow motion looking vulnerable to paper over the cracks temporarily, but that’ll only keep 24 viewers distracted for 16 or 17 episodes, tops.

OK – 18 or 19 episodes. That’s it, though.

It wasn't a big surprise when Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for DUI early yesterday morning - given his reputation, the only surprise was that Kiefer hadn't drunkenly bought a tank, stuffed it with puppies, set it on fire and driven that about. But Kiefer Sutherland's drink-driving arrest has thrown up an uncomfortable situation - thanks to Kiefer Sutherland's charming disposition towards getting up on booze and driving around, pleading no contest to DUI in 2004 and getting convicted for similar booze/car shenanigans, a conviction for yesterday's arrest would mean that Kiefer Sutherland could face a year in jail. And that invites questions of what will happen to 24 - the series based almost completely around Kiefer Sutherland - in his absence. Sure, the 24 producers could call back Elisha Cuthbert to do nothing but run around braless in slow motion looking vulnerable to paper over the cracks temporarily, but that'll only keep 24 viewers distracted for 16 or 17 episodes, tops. OK - 18 or 19 episodes. That's it, though.
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SLACKERJACK – Mole Hunter 2

by Stuart Heritage

Have you ever met anyone – anyone – who’s ever hit a mole with a wooden mallet? Not a fake, stuffed mole. An actual, living mole. It’d be sort of horrific to witness, wouldn’t it.

And yet that’s the point of Mole Hunter 2 – in the first two levels of Mole Hunter 2 alone you’ll have smashed 25 moles across the head with a wooden mallet as hard as you can. Imagine if you actually did that in real life – the RSPCA would be on you faster than anything. Anyway, Mole Hunter 2 is a mole-whacking game just like all the mole-whacking games that preceded it, although this may be the only version where some of the moles wear crowns.

Play Mole Hunter 2

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Jeremy Kyle Show Now Legally Rubbish

by C J Davies

TV host Jeremy Kyle has certainly carved out a niche for himself.

Seriously – if ever there’s an Emmy for Best Series In Which Sportswear-Bedecked Pikeys Have A Fistfight Over A Pregnancy Test Which A Smug Man Looks On With Both Eyebrows Wryly Raised, he’d win it hands down. Unless Lost introduced a similar plotline.

Some people out there, however, don’t appreciate the genius of the Jezster’s televisual efforts. Especially judges. Now, regular readers will know that hecklerspray doesn’t have a great relationship with those judge-types – especially after one of them gave us some sort of ‘jail sentence’ because he didn’t believe that Jessica Alba’s pants came off in a freak gust of wind and we were simply trying to return them to her.

Manchester district judge Alan Berg has a similarly unforgiving style. After one of Jeremy Kyle’s guests was hauled into his courtroom – all because he’d done a spot of naughty headbutting live in the studio – Judge Berg let rip on ITV’s finest, calling it ‘human bear-baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment’.

TV host Jeremy Kyle has certainly carved out a niche for himself. Seriously - if ever there's an Emmy for Best Series In Which Sportswear-Bedecked Pikeys Have A Fistfight Over A Pregnancy Test Which A Smug Man Looks On With Both Eyebrows Wryly Raised, he'd win it hands down. Unless Lost introduced a similar plotline. Some people out there, however, don't appreciate the genius of the Jezster's televisual efforts. Especially judges. Now, regular readers will know that hecklerspray doesn't have a great relationship with those judge-types - especially after one of them gave us some sort of 'jail sentence' because he didn't believe that Jessica Alba's pants came off in a freak gust of wind and we were simply trying to return them to her. Manchester district judge Alan Berg has a similarly unforgiving style. After one of Jeremy Kyle's guests was hauled into his courtroom - all because he'd done a spot of naughty headbutting live in the studio - Judge Berg let rip on ITV's finest, calling it 'human bear-baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment'.
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