Posts from September, 2007

If you saw George Clooney getting knocked off a motorbike, you'd probably either call the emergency services or pat down Clooney's groggy body looking for the money he effectively stole from you that time you went to see Batman & Robin.

Thankfully, though, one person who witnessed George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson falling off a motorbike after being hit by a car in New Jersey last week presumably hadn't seen Batman & Robin, because his first instinct wasn't to stamp on Clooney's windpipe but to dial 911 and save George Clooney from certain death. Well, OK, perhaps not certain death, but possible cold. Unless it wasn't cold when George Clooney crashed his motorbike. Anyway, the George Clooney 911 tape has been obtained by various websites, and it's essential listening for anyone who enjoys hearing two people grossly misunderstand each other for four straight minutes.

Read the rest of this entry »

The deliberations in the Phil Spector murder trial have been creaking along for so long now that people are desperate for anything else to talk about - even hokey nondescript deathish threats made against Phil Spector's judge on MySpace.

According to reports, the MySpace page of 'Team Spector' recently contained a message containing the line "The Evil Judge should DIE!!!!" that was signed off with "xoxo Chelle," leading some to believe that the message was written by Phil Spector's wife Rachelle, although she has denied this. That hasn't stopped the message being investigated by authorities, though - although the investigation may take some time to reach a conclusion because the Team Spector MySpace page is set to private, so the investigators will need to set up their own MySpace page in order to access it, and it's currently thought that they're having difficulty deciding whether to have My Humps as their profile song or something by Avril Lavigne - a selection that could take months to make.

Read the rest of this entry »

It has come to our attention that yesterday, according to the interpretations of some, we brazenly insinuated on multiple occasions that George Michael may or may not have contracted AIDS directly or indirectly from a hot sexy gay monkey. We apologise if this lead any of you to believe that George Michael ever had any sex with hot sexy gay monkeys.

hecklerspray has never been in close enough proximity to George Michael to hear him say he'd like to do a hot sexy gay monkey, and even if he did want to he probably wouldn't do an AIDS one. Furthermore, we truly believe that if Michael ever had any occasion to legitimately do a monkey, sexy, gay or any combination thereof, he would only do so responsibly. Also, he'd probably somehow get a monkey tutorial from a circus or something, so as to avoid any unnecessary monkey harm. This tutorial would likely be a three part VHS set also available for cheap from the hecklerspray store in a few months time.

Again, we apologise for this seeming deception, and plan to attend as many gay monkey workshops as it takes for the healing to begin.

This we swear.

It wasn't a big surprise when Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for DUI early yesterday morning - given his reputation, the only surprise was that Kiefer hadn't drunkenly bought a tank, stuffed it with puppies, set it on fire and driven that about.

But Kiefer Sutherland's drink-driving arrest has thrown up an uncomfortable situation - thanks to Kiefer Sutherland's charming disposition towards getting up on booze and driving around, pleading no contest to DUI in 2004 and getting convicted for similar booze/car shenanigans in 1993 and 1989, a conviction for yesterday's arrest would mean that Kiefer Sutherland could face a year in jail. And that invites questions of what will happen to 24 - the series based almost completely around Kiefer Sutherland - in his absence. Sure, the 24 producers could call back Elisha Cuthbert to do nothing but run around braless in slow motion looking vulnerable to paper over the cracks temporarily, but that'll only keep 24 viewers distracted for 16 or 17 episodes, tops.

OK - 18 or 19 episodes. That's it, though.

Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever met anyone - anyone - who's ever hit a mole with a wooden mallet? Not a fake, stuffed mole. An actual, living mole. It'd be sort of horrific to witness, wouldn't it.

And yet that's the point of Mole Hunter 2 - in the first two levels of Mole Hunter 2 alone you'll have smashed 25 moles across the head with a wooden mallet as hard as you can. Imagine if you actually did that in real life - the RSPCA would be on you faster than anything. Anyway, Mole Hunter 2 is a mole-whacking game just like all the mole-whacking games that preceded it, although this may be the only version where some of the moles wear crowns.

Play Mole Hunter 2

TV host Jeremy Kyle has certainly carved out a niche for himself.

Seriously - if ever there's an Emmy for Best Series In Which Sportswear-Bedecked Pikeys Have A Fistfight Over A Pregnancy Test Which A Smug Man Looks On With Both Eyebrows Wryly Raised, he'd win it hands down. Unless Lost introduced a similar plotline.

Some people out there, however, don't appreciate the genius of the Jezster's televisual efforts. Especially judges. Now, regular readers will know that hecklerspray doesn't have a great relationship with those judge-types - especially after one of them gave us some sort of 'jail sentence' because he didn't believe that Jessica Alba's pants came off in a freak gust of wind and we were simply trying to return them to her. 

Manchester district judge Alan Berg has a similarly unforgiving style. After one of Jeremy Kyle's guests was hauled into his courtroom - all because he'd done a spot of naughty headbutting live in the studio - Judge Berg let rip on ITV's finest, calling it 'human bear-baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment'.

Read the rest of this entry »

Victoria Beckham is plainly so desperate to achieve fame in America that we don't doubt for a second that she'd eat one of her own children if she got wind that America's Funniest Baby-Eaters was casting for a host.

Actually, that's an appalling thing to say - Victoria Beckham would never eat one of her own children. Too many calories. But, on the other hand, Victoria Beckham will stoop to other lows to try and get in the celebrity magazines - lows like going out dressed exactly like a Nazi. Victoria Beckham has been photographed out and about in a peaked cap and grey fitted military jacket. In fact, some are saying, slap an eye-patch on Victoria Beckham and she'd look exactly like Tom Cruise in the publicity shots for his new Nazi movie. Again, that's ridiculous - Victoria Beckham, though vaguely Nazi-looking, would never wear an eye-patch. Unless, of course, America's Funniest One-Eyed Nitwit Offensive Skinny Trend-Chasers was casting for a host, in which case she'd probably take one of her own eyes with a screwdriver as well.

Read the rest of this entry »

Is it just us, or should a European video award ceremony kind of primarily be for musicians and artists who were from Europe?

You know, countries like England, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, those sort of places. And not countries outside of Europe. Countries like America. America isn't in Europe, but it's still wiping the floor with the Europeans in the nominations for this year's MTV Europe Music Awards. 

Read the rest of this entry »

We're three quarters of the way though our rattle-through of pre-season Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. Well, we're calling it a rattle-through at least - you may have another term for it, like 'soul-destroying slog'.

Oh, we're kidding. We mock Strictly Come Dancing because we love Strictly Come Dancing. We love everything about Strictly Come Dancing, from the way Tess Daley never quite gets the dance at the start of the show right to the way that Bruce Forsyth never gets a single one of his links even close to being right. And the dancing - oh, the dancing! Really, is there a greater thrill than watching an out-of-work actor or a popstar on the slide plodding round a stage to a Ricky Martin cover version? Is there? Because if there is, someone had better make it illegal for being too much fun. Right?

Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

There's a fine line between Kiefer Sutherland and Jack Bauer - for example, Jack Bauer would only drive around drunk if terrorists had spiked his drink and he had to save his whiny daughter, whereas Kiefer Sutherland just does it for giggles.

Kiefer Sutherland, you see, has been arrested for DUI after failing a sobriety test, according to the Los Angeles Police Department. It's the second time that Kiefer Sutherland has been arrested for drink-driving in the past five years, but this time it was special because Kiefer Sutherland got arrested doing the things he loves - being really drunk and saving the environment. Seriously - if Kiefer Sutherland had a rubbish heavy metal band in the back of his car when he got busted, then angrily tortured the first seven policemen that tried to arrest him, it'd have been a clean sweep for Kiefer.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hold the phone! There's a young female Disney star out there who doesn't go around putting it about like a common tart - and that young star is 14-year-old Miley Cyrus from Disney's Hannah Montana, who absolutely isn't pregnant.

That didn't stop the whole wide internet believing that Miley Cyrus was pregnant yesterday, though, when a report claiming she had a bun in the oven - with quotes apparently from Miley Cyrus herself saying things like "I'm going to take good care of my baby" - was spread around various websites at lightning speed. But now it's emerged that the whole Miley Cyrus pregnancy story was all just a hoax that got out of hand - and a good thing too. Although if the story had been true, who could possibly blame Miley Cyrus for getting pregnant at 14? After all, Miley's father is Billy Ray Cyrus, and if a girl can't validate her crippled sense of self-worth stemming from years of taunts about her Dad's spectacularly dreadful haircut by sleeping around like a hooker, then what can she do?

Read the rest of this entry »

The Phil Spector murder trial jury has now had 15 long days of deliberating Phil Spector's guilt, all to no avail - and 15 days is evidently long enough for the jurors to forget stuff that happened in the actual trial they were jurors on.

With Judge Larry Paul Fidler doing all he can to push Phil Spector's hung jury into making a decision - mostly by widening the goalposts so much that soon Phil Spector will be able to be found guilty of murder just because 'Phil Spector' is an anagram of 'Richest Plop' - the Phil Spector jury has requested a video player so it can watch a police interview with Adriano De Souza, the chauffeur who claims that Phil Spector confessed the murder to him, in the desperate hope that it'll reveal something new to help reach a unanimous verdict at long last. Also, when the jury is through watching Adriano De Souza's interview - Caddyshack!

Read the rest of this entry »