From the monthly archives:

September 2007

Paul McCartney Sings Songs! In Liverpool! Next Year!

by Stuart Heritage

Face it – there’s absolutely nothing more cultural for a human being to do than go through a messy divorce with an angry one-legged woman and then jig about like a whistling, mandolin-wielding pixie on an advert for digital music downloads.

And that makes Paul McCartney the most cultural man that the Earth has ever seen. Lucky, then, that Paul McCartney comes from Liverpool and Liverpool will be the European Capital Of Culture next year. Surely it’s a match made in heaven – albeit the part of heaven that hasn’t worked out that Paul McCartney actually more or less comes from Hastings these days. Anyway – Paul McCartney, Liverpool, European Capital Of Culture… this can only mean one thing! That’s right, Ringo Starr is going to a concert in Liverpool next year!

Yeah, and Paul McCartney’s doing one too. But, come on, Ringo Starr.

Face it - there's absolutely nothing more cultural for a human being to do than go through a messy divorce with an angry one-legged woman and then jig about like a whistling, mandolin-wielding pixie on an advert for digital music downloads. And that makes Paul McCartney the most cultural man that the Earth has ever seen. Lucky, then, that Paul McCartney comes from Liverpool and Liverpool will be the European Capital Of Culture next year. Surely it's a match made in heaven - albeit the part of heaven that hasn't worked out that Paul McCartney actually more or less comes from Hastings these days. Anyway - Paul McCartney, Liverpool, European Capital Of Culture... this can only mean one thing! That's right, Ringo Starr is going to a concert in Liverpool next year! Yeah, and Paul McCartney's doing one too. But, come on, Ringo Starr.
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Badverting – McDonalds

by Matthew Laidlow

Ahh the 1980s. The decade that time forget. Not a lot of interesting stuff happened back then. All hecklerspray knows about the eighties is that it was full of horrible cheesy pop songs that haunt many student nightspots and wedding receptions every week.

Also, this period of time produced some now brilliantly dated TV that we watch regularly through UK Gold and ABC1. With its shockingly bad canned laughter and dodgy looking sets, 1980s TV made Big Brother look watchable. It was also a time when places like McDonalds were riding high, before science worked out that dimwits only eating shit food would end up obese. Still, on the plus side, fatties back then had 20 years twenty years of power-eating to look forward to before realising that consuming junk food is the equivalent of self harming and suing the nutsacks off McDonalds.

Anyway, somebody on the McDonalds marketing team in the 1980s must have cottoned onto the fact that crap songs sell well. Putting two and two together, they came up with five – resulting in this strange advertising song – complete with a McDonalds dance! If you wanted to publicly proclaim you were a total twat, then doing the arches with McDonalds was probably the fastest way. We really hope the people in this advert were lynched for crimes against music, acting and selling their soul to McDonalds.

Ahh the 1980s. The decade that time forget. Not a lot of interesting stuff happened back then. All hecklerspray knows about the eighties is that it was full of horrible cheesy pop songs that haunt many student nightspots and wedding receptions every week. Also, this period of time produced some now brilliantly dated TV that we watch regularly through UK Gold and ABC1. With its shockingly bad canned laughter and dodgy looking sets, 1980s TV made Big Brother look watchable. It was also a time when places like McDonalds were riding high, before science worked out that dimwits only eating shit food would end up obese. Still, on the plus side, fatties back then had 20 years twenty years of power-eating to look forward to before realising that consuming junk food is the equivalent of self harming and suing the nutsacks off McDonalds. Anyway, somebody on the McDonalds marketing team in the 1980s must have cottoned onto the fact that crap songs sell well. Putting two and two together, they came up with five - resulting in this strange advertising song - complete with a McDonalds dance! If you wanted to publicly proclaim you were a total twat, then doing the arches with McDonalds was probably the fastest way. We really hope the people in this advert were lynched for crimes against music, acting and selling their soul to McDonalds.
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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Matt Di Angelo

by Stuart Heritage

OK, good news and then bad news. This is our last pre-season set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds this year – which means you get a week off before we batter you with Strictly Come Dancing betting odds until Christmas.

But is that really so wrong? Is putting aside an hour of your time each week to witness the beautiful flowing movements of some celebrities who haven’t been on TV in half a decade such a wrong thing? Is it wrong to angrily shout at the TV each time one of the Strictly Come Dancing judges – who are trained professionals when you’re just a friendless slob eating pizza on a sofa – when they say something you disagree with? Is it so wrong to secretly copy the dance moves when nobody is looking? Well, yes it is. You people should be ashamed.

We’re rounding out our look at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds by focusing on Matt D’Angelo, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

OK, good news and then bad news. This is our last pre-season set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds this year - which means you get a week off before we batter you with Strictly Come Dancing betting odds until Christmas. But is that really so wrong? Is putting aside an hour of your time each week to witness the beautiful flowing movements of some celebrities who haven't been on TV in half a decade such a wrong thing? Is it wrong to angrily shout at the TV each time one of the Strictly Come Dancing judges - who are trained professionals when you're just a friendless slob eating pizza on a sofa - when they say something you disagree with? Is it so wrong to secretly copy the dance moves when nobody is looking? Well, yes it is. You people should be ashamed. We're rounding out our look at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds by focusing on Matt D'Angelo, with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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The Sex Pistols: Now Recording Videogame Soundtracks

by Stuart Heritage

The Sex Pistols are one of the most important bands in history, thanks to the way they tore up the establishment by looking a bit dirty, saying the word ‘rotter’ on the telly and inspiring a film that Courtney Love had a bit-part in once.

And, following the grand tradition of bands reforming to kick away any semblance of credibility they may have originally built up, The Sex Pistols have decided to reform. Only, being The Sex Pistols, they’re back to kick away any credibility they left the last time they reformed which, in turn, is when they tried to kick away any credibility from the first time they reformed. Yup, the third Sex Pistols reunion in little over a decade is being marked by The Sex Pistols giving us something really special. That’s right, a new version of Anarchy In The UK that’ll be used on a computer game. That’s good news – it means we shouldn’t have long to wait before The Sex Pistols finally re-record Holiday In The Sun to include a new verse about the low low last-minute prices on autumn weekday family breaks currently being offered by Haven caravan parks nationwide.

The Sex Pistols are one of the most important bands in history, thanks to the way they tore up the establishment by looking a bit dirty, saying the word 'rotter' on the telly and inspiring a film that Courtney Love had a bit-part in once. And, following the grand tradition of bands reforming to kick away any semblance of credibility they may have originally built up, The Sex Pistols have decided to reform. Only, being The Sex Pistols, they're back to kick away any credibility they left the last time they reformed which, in turn, is when they tried to kick away any credibility from the first time they reformed. Yup, the third Sex Pistols reunion in little over a decade is being marked by The Sex Pistols giving us something really special. That's right, a new version of Anarchy In The UK that'll be used on a computer game. That's good news - it means we shouldn't have long to wait before The Sex Pistols finally re-record Holiday In The Sun to include a new verse about the low low last-minute prices on autumn weekday family breaks currently being offered by Haven caravan parks nationwide.
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MySpace Trawl – We Are Meg

by Matthew Laidlow

MySpace Trawl returns from its brief holiday to hopefully bring you some exciting music that will make you really hip and cool amongst your peers.

We still get spammed with utterly dire shite musical crap on a freakishly regular basis that quite frankly is an embarrassment to the word music. However, we do sometimes shed a tear when we discover something that hasn’t been influenced by the other 3,563 bands that are all doing exactly the same thing. It’s good to see that this week’s choice band We Are Meg have some balls and are doing something different. Well, we’re sure Meg personally doesn’t have balls because, er, that would make her a him. Oh shit, this is getting out of hand. So let’s quickly clear this up from our dodgy introduction – no members of We Are Meg are pre-op transsexuals. We think. Ahem, anyway – We Are Meg are named after an irritating black cat, apparently.

MySpace Trawl returns from its brief holiday to hopefully bring you some exciting music that will make you really hip and cool amongst your peers. We still get spammed with utterly dire shite musical crap on a freakishly regular basis that quite frankly is an embarrassment to the word music. However, we do sometimes shed a tear when we discover something that hasn’t been influenced by the other 3,563 bands that are all doing exactly the same thing. It's good to see that this week's choice band We Are Meg have some balls and are doing something different. Well, we’re sure Meg personally doesn’t have balls because, er, that would make her a him. Oh shit, this is getting out of hand. So let’s quickly clear this up from our dodgy introduction - no members of We Are Meg are pre-op transsexuals. We think. Ahem, anyway - We Are Meg are named after an irritating black cat, apparently.
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Kanye West & 50 Cent Now Beaten By That Woman From Tremors

by Stuart Heritage

When it was announced that Kanye West had beaten 50 Cent in that puffed-up sales contest they recently had, Kanye urged everyone to keep buying his album – but it seems that everyone decided they preferred country music instead.

Reba McEntire’s Reba Duets album – featuring songs sung with everyone from Justin Timberlake to Kelly Clarkson – has barged past both Kanye West and 50 Cent to reach the top of the American album sales chart, ending Kanye West’s number one tenure after just a week. Since the charts now seem to be operating on some sort of confusing ‘loser retires’ system, Reba McEntire now has to demand the resignation of all the other artists with new albums in the top 10. And, since that includes Barry Manilow, James Blunt and KT Tunstall, we’d say that just about outweighs the fact that a third of a million Americans now own a contract-fulfilling album of duets by a 52-year-old ginger cowgirl containing gratuitous amounts of LeAnn Rimes.

Just.

When it was announced that Kanye West had beaten 50 Cent in that puffed-up sales contest they recently had, Kanye urged everyone to keep buying his album - but it seems that everyone decided they preferred country music instead. Reba McEntire's Reba Duets album - featuring songs sung with everyone from Justin Timberlake to Kelly Clarkson - has barged past both Kanye West and 50 Cent to reach the top of the American album sales chart, ending Kanye West's number one tenure after just a week. Since the charts now seem to be operating on some sort of confusing 'loser retires' system, Reba McEntire now has to demand the resignation of all the other artists with new albums in the top 10. And, since that includes Barry Manilow, James Blunt and KT Tunstall, we'd say that just about outweighs the fact that a third of a million Americans now own a contract-fulfilling album of duets by a 52-year-old ginger cowgirl containing gratuitous amounts of LeAnn Rimes. Just.
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Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselhoff: Together At Last… Creatively Speaking

by hecklerspray staff

You know what this world needs? You may be thinking ‘a cure for cancer’, ‘peace in the middle east’, or ‘someone to take a weed whacker to the eyebrows of the bad guy on Heroes’, but you’d be wrong. Dead wrong, you dimwits.

What this world really needs, obviously, is for a totally over-used host of about a billion of the most annoying shows on the planet to pair up with a middle-aged man that used to run on the beach in slow motion with ridiculously endowed lifeguards, and then make a comedy TV show. Well, it looks like miracles do happen, because Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselhoff are in the works to create a TV show loosely based on David Hasselhoff’s life. Oh, we can barely contain our giddiness!

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Fonzie Gets A Statue

by Shawn Lindseth

Well its about time! For the better part of ten years hecklerspray has been making a Fonzie likeness out of macaroni noodles, glue and broken spatulas, and it looks like our gallant effort has not gone unnoticed. Our mother took the city of Milwaukee into our basement to show it our masterpiece, and they liked [...]

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Phil Spector Murder Trial Ends With A Sodding Mistrial

by Stuart Heritage

So that’s it then. After waiting five long months to see if Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson by shooting her in the mouth or not, the Phil Spector murder trial has finally come to an end, and the verdict is a great big mistrial.

Since the jurors in the Phil Spector murder trial spent 12 days failing to reach an unanimous decision about whether Phil Spector angrily murdered Lana Clarkson or if Lana Clarkson angrily murdered herself in front of Phil Spector, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has declared a mistrial on the whole shebang. And while this means that Phil Spector can bask in the glory of not being a murderer but not not being a murderer, it also means that there’s going to be a retrial happening very soon. And that means we get to pretend these last five months never happened as we go over every last Phil Spector-related detail all over again. And that must mean that these things coming out of our eyes are tears of happiness, not gut-knotting despair. Right?

So that's it then. After waiting five long months to see if Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson by shooting her in the mouth or not, the Phil Spector murder trial has finally come to an end, and the verdict is a great big mistrial. Since the jurors in the Phil Spector murder trial spent 12 days failing to reach an unanimous decision about whether Phil Spector angrily murdered Lana Clarkson or if Lana Clarkson angrily murdered herself in front of Phil Spector, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has declared a mistrial on the whole shebang. And while this means that Phil Spector can bask in the glory of not being a murderer but not not being a murderer, it also means that there's going to be a retrial happening very soon. And that means we get to pretend these last five months never happened as we go over every last Phil Spector-related detail all over again. And that must mean that these things coming out of our eyes are tears of happiness, not gut-knotting despair. Right?
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SLACKERJACK – Stunt Bike Draw 2

by Stuart Heritage

You can’t move these days for online games that make you draw stuff with your mouse for other stuff to move along. Many of them couldn’t be more gimmicky if they tried, but Stunt Bike Draw 2 is actually quite a lot of terrific fun.

Stunt Bike Draw 2 is painfully easy to figure out. You have to draw all sorts of take-off and landing ramps with your mouse. And you have to draw them well enough for a bike to roll down it and clear whatever obstacles are between. Angles and speed and smoothness are vital to Stunt Bike Draw 2, as is the ability to pop the balloon in level six, and we’re buggered if we’ve worked out how to do that yet. As ever, you’ll be better at Stunt Bike Draw 2 than we are.

Play Stunt Bike Draw 2 now

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