Posts from September, 2007

OK, good news and then bad news. This is our last pre-season set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds this year - which means you get a week off before we batter you with Strictly Come Dancing betting odds until Christmas.

But is that really so wrong? Is putting aside an hour of your time each week to witness the beautiful flowing movements of some celebrities who haven't been on TV in half a decade such a wrong thing? Is it wrong to angrily shout at the TV each time one of the Strictly Come Dancing judges - who are trained professionals when you're just a friendless slob eating pizza on a sofa - when they say something you disagree with? Is it so wrong to secretly copy the dance moves when nobody is looking? Well, yes it is. You people should be ashamed.

We're rounding out our look at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds by focusing on Matt Di Angelo, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

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The Sex Pistols are one of the most important bands in history, thanks to the way they tore up the establishment by looking a bit dirty, saying the word 'rotter' on the telly and inspiring a film that Courtney Love had a bit-part in once.

And, following the grand tradition of bands reforming to kick away any semblance of credibility they may have originally built up, The Sex Pistols have decided to reform. Only, being The Sex Pistols, they're back to kick away any credibility they left the last time they reformed which, in turn, is when they tried to kick away any credibility from the first time they reformed. Yup, the third Sex Pistols reunion in little over a decade is being marked by The Sex Pistols giving us something really special. That's right, a new version of Anarchy In The UK that'll be used on a computer game. That's good news - it means we shouldn't have long to wait before The Sex Pistols finally re-record Holiday In The Sun to include a new verse about the low low last-minute prices on autumn weekday family breaks currently being offered by Haven caravan parks nationwide.

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MySpace Trawl returns from its brief holiday to hopefully bring you some exciting music that will make you really hip and cool amongst your peers.

We still get spammed with utterly dire shite musical crap on a freakishly regular basis that quite frankly is an embarrassment to the word music. However, we do sometimes shed a tear when we discover something that hasn’t been influenced by the other 3,563 bands that are all doing exactly the same thing. It's good to see that this week's choice band We Are Meg have some balls and are doing something different. Well, we’re sure Meg personally doesn’t have balls because, er, that would make her a him. Oh shit, this is getting out of hand. So let’s quickly clear this up from our dodgy introduction - no members of We Are Meg are pre-op transsexuals. We think. Ahem, anyway - We Are Meg are named after an irritating black cat, apparently.

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When it was announced that Kanye West had beaten 50 Cent in that puffed-up sales contest they recently had, Kanye urged everyone to keep buying his album - but it seems that everyone decided they preferred country music instead.

Reba McEntire's Reba Duets album - featuring songs sung with everyone from Justin Timberlake to Kelly Clarkson - has barged past both Kanye West and 50 Cent to reach the top of the American album sales chart, ending Kanye West's number one tenure after just a week. Since the charts now seem to be operating on some sort of confusing 'loser retires' system, Reba McEntire now has to demand the resignation of all the other artists with new albums in the top 10. And, since that includes Barry Manilow, James Blunt and KT Tunstall, we'd say that just about outweighs the fact that a third of a million Americans now own a contract-fulfilling album of duets by a 52-year-old ginger cowgirl containing gratuitous amounts of LeAnn Rimes.

Just.

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You know what this world needs? You may be thinking ‘a cure for cancer’, ‘peace in the middle east’, or ‘someone to take a weed whacker to the eyebrows of the bad guy on Heroes’, but you’d be wrong. Dead wrong, you dimwits.  

What this world really needs, obviously, is for a totally over-used host of about a billion of the most annoying shows on the planet to pair up with a middle-aged man that used to run on the beach in slow motion with ridiculously endowed lifeguards, and then make a comedy TV show. Well, it looks like miracles do happen, because Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselhoff are in the works to create a TV show loosely based on David Hasselhoff’s life. Oh, we can barely contain our giddiness! 

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Well its about time! For the better part of ten years hecklerspray has been making a Fonzie likeness out of macaroni noodles, glue and broken spatulas, and it looks like our gallant effort has not gone unnoticed.

Our mother took the city of Milwaukee into our basement to show it our masterpiece, and they liked it so much they want to make it theirs. Seriously, they want to put it in the middle of downtown and have the rest of the city flow unto it. We told them at the time of sale that housing a macaroni statue outdoors may not be a good idea, at which point they asked us to also sculpt a macaroni umbrella - problem solved.

We feel it our duty to inform you, our faithful readers, that all that macaroni statue crap we just told you was false. It almost happened, but Henry Winkler never sent us the locks of hair or baby teeth we asked him for in letters at least 20 times. That's probably why Milwaukee's moving on without us. It looks like they're gonna get a real statue of the Fonz for their fine city, because they love him so.

And it might attract tourists.

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So that's it then. After waiting five long months to see if Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson by shooting her in the mouth or not, the Phil Spector murder trial has finally come to an end, and the verdict is a great big mistrial.

Since the jurors in the Phil Spector murder trial spent 12 days failing to reach an unanimous decision about whether Phil Spector angrily murdered Lana Clarkson or if Lana Clarkson angrily murdered herself in front of Phil Spector, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has declared a mistrial on the whole shebang. And while this means that Phil Spector can bask in the glory of not being a murderer but not not being a murderer, it also means that there's going to be a retrial happening very soon. And that means we get to pretend these last five months never happened as we go over every last Phil Spector-related detail all over again. And that must mean that these things coming out of our eyes are tears of happiness, not gut-knotting despair. Right?

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You can't move these days for online games that make you draw stuff with your mouse for other stuff to move along. Many of them couldn't be more gimmicky if they tried, but Stunt Bike Draw 2 is actually quite a lot of terrific fun.

Stunt Bike Draw 2 is painfully easy to figure out. You have to draw all sorts of take-off and landing ramps with your mouse. And you have to draw them well enough for a bike to roll down it and clear whatever obstacles are between. Angles and speed and smoothness are vital to Stunt Bike Draw 2, as is the ability to pop the balloon in level six, and we're buggered if we've worked out how to do that yet. As ever, you'll be better at Stunt Bike Draw 2 than we are.

Play Stunt Bike Draw 2 now 

Elton John loves collecting stuff. Whether it's platinum albums, outrageous spectacles, crazy outfits, CDs, child pornography, flowers - anything - you can bet your bottom dollar that Elton John has had a go at collecting it at some point.

Wait a minute! Did we… did we just say that Elton John enjoys collecting crazy outfits? Well, yes we did. But in all honesty the child pornography thing was the relevant bit. Even though, strictly speaking, Elton John might not own any actual child pornography. Police in Gateshead last week raided an art gallery to seize an exhibit - a photograph entitled Klara and Edda belly-dancing by Nan Goldin - that they've judged to be kiddie porn, and now Elton John has revealed that he's the owner of the exhibit. Of course, it's worth pointing out that deliberately-provocative art such as this may have a greater meaning that reflects on the world around it, plus the subjective nature of art appreciation has allowed Klara and Edda belly-dancing to be shown in several other exhibitions without police intervention.

But, mainly, we think our point is this: Urrr! Elton John likes looking at kiddie porn, the big disgusting nonce.

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Man, it must really hard being famous. You know, if we had half the status of someone like Jonathan King, we’d be quite happy to give up what we do and totally exploit our fame to rake in every penny possible. Then we could afford to rent out a private yacht and hire out foreign prostitutes to cater for our every need. 

Someone who has done such a thing is the human stick-insect Victoria Beckham. You know, she used to sing and prance around in the once popular band The Spice Girls. Since the Spice Girls broke up, each member has managed to gradually fade away into obscurity. But not Victoria Beckham. She managed to cling on to her fame by marrying a footballer! But now she’s feeling the stress of it all. Aww, lets get the violins out. Really, it must be hard being tagged as 'famous' when you’re only really known for pouting in newspapers. Let’s look at the so-called famous megastar that is Victoria Beckham.

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You have every right to be sad - this is the penultimate set of pre-season Strictly Come Dancing betting odds we'll be doing. But that's not why you should be sad, you should be sad because it means the actual season of Strictly Come Dancing is nearly upon us.

That's right - starting next Saturday you're not going to be able to move for sequined twirling and endless Strictly Come Dancing montages that either suggest that the celebrities and their partners a) hate each other or b) are secretly doing it, with no middle option whatsoever. Remember that by placing a Strictly Come Dancing bet now, you'll be catching the betting odds at the absolute longest they'll be, unless one of the contestants falls over and snaps their spine in half. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.

So here are today's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds - for Letitia Dean and Gethin Jones - with help from Paddy Power…

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On the basis that attractive people never bother to develop a personality to try and woo members of the opposite sex, we're constantly staggered that Jessica Biel even bothered to learn how to walk.

This is because Jessica Biel is beautiful, as the results of any recent 'which celebrity would you like to sleep with most, you delusional civilian?' survey are only too happy to point out. So far, Jessica Biel's movie career has mainly consisted of her playing a succession of smiling leggy cleavages - but all of that changes now, because the chance has arisen for Jessica Biel to take on the role of a lifetime. There's a new Justice League Of America movie being made, and Jessica Biel is in talks to play Wonder Woman. That's right - this time Jessica Biel will get to expand her repertoire by playing a smiling leggy cleavage… with a piece of rope.

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