Posts from August, 2007

When his murder case finally went to court, Phil Spector always had an ace up his billowy, slightly effeminate sleeve - Bruce Cutler, his theatrical foghorn of a lead defence attorney; except that's what Bruce Cutler isn't any more.

With testimony in the Phil Spector murder trial in its dying gasps, Bruce Cutler has suddenly decided to quit Phil Spector's defence team. Although the official reasons that have been given include Bruce Cutler disagreeing about Phil Spector's closing argument and Cutler wanting to dedicate more of his time to his new TV show, it's equally likely that Bruce Cutler left Phil Spector's side because he was either burnt up with jealousy over Phil Spector's gloriously Sapphic haircut or because he wanted to get as far away from Phil Spector as humanly possible when Phil invariably gets found guilty of murdering Lana Clarkson so people will still want him to be their lawyer.  One or the other. Possibly.

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Wow, television network executives are really brilliant. Brilliant, we say, because they’re saving gobs of money by not making shows that actually need writers, and instead continue to produce reality shows and search contests that are so painfully mind-numbing and repetitive that we want to tear out our hair and dropkick the television set into a pool of liquid-hot magma.  

And so it’s no surprise that the masterminds at the Fox Network have once again tapped into this brilliant television production tactic. Despite our long succession of ‘please air something other than crap’ petitions, one man angst rallies outside network headquarters, and, consequently, 'cease and desist' letters to us from the Fox lawyers, the network has announced a new search contest called American Band. Soon, American Band will be followed by exciting spin-offs such as American Halo Player, American Cow Tipper, and American Mime. Check your local TV listings! 

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By and large, the world of rap is a world that glamorises guns and misogyny, but even rappers have their limits - as DMX is discovering, you can shoot all the bitches you want, but don't you dare treat your household pets badly.

DMX has has his property raided by the local sheriff's department after claims were made that he was keeping his dogs in awful conditions - several of his pit bulls were subsequently seized, with officers also discovering the bodies of other burnt and decomposing dogs. Although no arrests were made, it's thought that the conditions in which DMX kept his dogs were completely inhumane, with pooches being found without any food or water. To make matters worse, the dogs were apparently played DMX's last album on a loop, and if it sounds as awful to super-delicate canine ears as it does to us humans, then we're all for DMX being sent to the chair.

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If you were to make a list of celebrities who'd try to kill themselves, chances are Owen Wilson wouldn't have figured too highly - at least until the weekend, when Owen Wilson reportedly overdosed on pills and slashed his wrists.

According to widespread reports, Owen Wilson was rushed to hospital on Sunday after he apparently attempted suicide and was found lying next to an empty bottle of pills with his wrist slashed. Although nothing has been disclosed or confirmed so far, Owen Wilson himself has released a statement that appears to concur with the reports, asking the media to let him "heal in private." Meanwhile, speculation continues over what caused Owen Wilson - a critically and commercially well-respected actor with no prior signs of inner torment - to attempt suicide in such a depressingly shocking way. Just last week Owen Wilson continued to behave normally, agreeing to star in a Jennifer Aniston film about a lovable doggy who teaches a couple the meaning of love… oh wait.

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As pointless as skiing is - seriously, no, you strap those planks of wood and hurtle down a hill, we'll manage with pizza and a sofa thanks - it goes without saying that guns and exploding bodies would make the whole thing infinitely more interesting.

We never used to think that, of course, but Aggressive Alpine Ski has sort of convinced us. Aggressive Alpine Ski is just a normal skiing game, except men shoot you from cable cars. And cabin roofs jut out of the snow. And your skier explodes the instant he touches either. And the sky changes colour every couple of seconds. And the whole thing seems like some elaborate spoof of Japanese arcade games. We want more games like Aggressive Alpine Ski, and we want more of them now.

Play Aggressive Alpine Ski now

Now that the Harry Potter series is over and Voldemort's dead and Hermione isn't dead Harry Potter has had all those children to teach naked horse eye-stabbing to, there's not going to be so much money to roll around in.

And a future where billions of children don't throw their hard-earned pocket money at a new Harry Potter book every couple of years is a scary place to be - which is why JK Rowling seems determined to stamp her approval on every harebrained get-rich-quick scheme that's slid under her nose. Most recently, this has been a Harry Potter musical that's set to take the West End by storm. Casting agents have apparently been on the lookout for a young star to play Harry Potter in the Harry Potter musical - and we expect that it'll be tough to find someone who can simultaneously portray Harry Potter's teenage awkwardness and belt out the show-stopping number Do The Expelliarmus (Funky Disco Party Time).

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It was really generous of the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play the Reading festival, wasn't it?

Come on - we all know what it's like. You get into the party mood, you take a few too many narcotics, you end up so wide-eyed and wired that sleep seems about as likely as an intellectual conversation with a News Of The World reader. Which is really quite depressing - the last thing you want is a bout of insomnia ruining your fun for the next day.

Thank God for the selfless actions of the Chilis, then. Because - let's face it - if anything will send an entire stadium to dreamland, it's their overwhelmingly tedious 'funk-rock' stylings ricocheting from sleeping bag to sleeping bag. Man, they're like the Virgin-radio-approved Sandmen. What a bunch of nice guys.

Hold on? What's that? They were playing Reading because people actually like them?

Christ.

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Ah, the last week of Big Brother - traditionally a time for the dullest, least polarising Big Brother housemates to boringly chum around the Big Brother house tediously killing time until Friday, when they can all go home.

And now that Tracey and Kara-Louise have been evicted from the Big Brother house, the remaining Big Brother housemates will have to see out their time without a gruff, catchphrase-spewing Terrahawk and Cruella DeVille's younger, more annoying sister. But that's not really a huge loss for anyone, is it? Oh, and Chanelle returned to the Big Brother house at the weekend, too - and although it was only for about ten minutes, it was ten minutes longer than we wanted to see her shrieking idiot face on Big Brother again.

Anyway - Big Brother final week! Who's going to win? Here's part one of the Big Brother betting odds for this week - for Jonty and Carole - with help from Paddy Power…

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This week’s good and bad.

Folded:

• Eastern Promises (it’s upcoming and it’s by Cronenberg, so you have to be a little excited)

• Sex.com by Kieren McCarthy (read all about the most battle for the most expensive domain name ever in this fascinating book)

• www.Mansized.co.uk (for the discerning gentleman. Take a look when we next have a technological meltdown)

• Duffman (with The Simpsons being so hit and miss these days, you might actually forget just how funny this guy is. Oh, yeah!)

• Spencer Kelly from the BBC’s Click programme (seems like an affable bloke. Interesting show too)

Creased:

• Cold cinemas (if you sit in your jacket you won’t feel the benefit when you go outside. It’s not a good thing)

• Batteries in your digital camera (Duracells cost a fortune and those rechargeable ones last about ten minutes. Ooh, technology is sooooo cool!)

• That ‘inherited’ craving for junk food (proceeding the ‘inherited’ bowl cancer we assume)

• Using wi-fi (if someone hasn’t already hacked your account and bought a timeshare in the Andes, you’re just waiting)

• Atonement starring Keira Knightley and James McAvoy (the film’s score has the sound of a busy typewriter spliced into it. That’s reason enough)