Posts from August, 2007

Imagine that you're a Hollywood studio executive and someone pitched you a movie starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, that annoying kid from the last Die Hard movie to be directed by the guy who did License To Wed.

Now, at what point would you set the dogs on him? Personally we'd have lasted until the 'Aff' in Affleck, but that's just us. Anyway, some people must like the idea of Jennifer Aniston, Justin Long and Drew Barrymore starring in a film made by the man responsible for dressing Robin Williams up as a vicar and letting him gurgle on in 12 different voices for 90 minutes, because that film is being made, and it's called He's Just Not That Into You. And Scarlett Johansson is in it. And the crap one from Entourage is in it. And Ben Affleck has just signed up for it. Still, He's Just Not That Into You won't be released for a couple of years, so you've got plenty of time to bury your head somewhere safe before it's released, like a gas oven.

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When Rosie O'Donnell left The View earlier this year, she left a giant void - a void that could only be filled by a drunk bald midget belching vomit up into his mouth in front of an appalled studio audience.

Luckily Danny DeVito fits that description perfectly. Next week the new series of The View starts with Whoopi Goldberg acting as Rosie O'Donnell's replacement. But if the prospect of seeing the slightly nunnish alien bartender from the 1990s remake of Star Trek trying not to punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck in the nose for spouting her relentless torrent of ill-informed nonsense isn't going to tempt you to tune in, maybe the prospect of seeing Danny DeVito on The View for the first time since he turned up drunk will - although to top his last appearance Danny DeVito might well have to projectile vomit a red-hot jet of pure alcohol into Barbara Walters's screaming face. Which, you know, we'd be cool with. 

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The world of reality television may have its detractors, but there'll always be a market for it until mainstream scripted drama starts to tackle big issues like how children burn their faces and drink bleach when they're left unsupervised.

And until that day comes, reality TV is going to have to cover those issues in shows like Kid Nation. For the uninitiated, Kid Nation is a new CBS reality TV show that dumps a bunch of kids in an abandoned ghost town and sees how long it'll take for them to form tribes and start crushing the other kids with boulders, or something. Surprisingly enough, Kid Nation has been roundly criticised by just about everyone, from those concerned that labour laws were breached during filming to parents angry that their children started drinking bleach. But we say this - would you rather watch a child screaming in pain because they've badly burnt their face in a kitchen accident or Dance X? The question answers itself, people!

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There's still been no official confirmation from the Wilson family that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself by taking an overdose of pills and slashing his wrist on Saturday, but the speculation is starting to look horribly accurate.

The Santa Monica Police Department phone logs show that a 911 call was made on Saturday for what's listed as a suicide attempt, reinforcing rumours that Owen Wilson's current hospital stay is down to an attempt to end his his life. But that hasn't answered the questions about why Owen Wilson - one of the most well-respected comedy actors around - would even attempt suicide in such an unnervingly out of the blue way. Some sources are suggesting that Owen Wilson attempted suicide after a fight with a close friend, while others are blaming the break-up of his relationship with Kate Hudson - but nobody is ruling out the notion that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself out of embarrassment after watching The Haunting again, either.

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Asteroids - a classic game, we can all agree. But why didn't anyone ever think of the goddamn asteroids? All they were doing was floating around, possibly trying to get in for tea before Hollyoaks, and one stupid spaceship kept trying to blow them up. Unfair.

So, hey, here's Asteroid's Revenge 3 to make amends. In Asteroid's Revenge 3 you play an asteroid that has to smash its way through waves and waves of spaceships. Weirdly enough, playing Asteroid's Revenge 3 is way more satisfying than playing regular Asteroids. Probably because you know you're killing stuff other than rock. And who doesn't like killing stuff, huh?

Play Asteroid's Revenge 3 now 

Now that the new football season has started, you'll never again be short of overhearing a pub conversation about sport between men who are all desperately frightened of being caught out and exposed as a non-sport loving charlatan.

But if you want to join in with the boys without using sport as an emotional crutch, here's the FHM Championship Of Women. It's a bunch of pretty girls dressed in football kits. That's probably all you need to know about the FHM Championship Of Women, but if it isn't here goes - each Premiership club is represented by a girl and each week the real-life Premiership fixtures are played out on FHM's website, where you chooses who wins by clicking on the prettiest girl. Simple as that - the FHM Championship Of Women is a giant catch-all game, suitable for boring sportsy folk and men who smell like they masturbate quite a lot too.

20 Girls, 20 Teams, 1 Winner, It's the beautiful game! Visit www.fhm.com/championship to vote! 

You might think that everybody loves Davina McCall, what with all those crazy faces she pulls and all that amusing talk of her heroin addiction, but you'd be wrong - several people think that Davina McCall is an arse.

This is the busiest time of the year for Davina McCall - as presenter of Big Brother and that rubbishy Big Brother spin-off about body language, Davina is fiercely ubiquitous at the moment - but that didn't stop Davina McCall from trying her hand at radio presenting. Davina hosted the mid-morning Radio 2 show last week as a stand in for Ken Bruce, which would have been great except that Davina McCall was so rubbish at it that over 150 people complained about her "inane chatter." This new bodge means that Davina McCall has now failed to impress with a BBC TV show and a BBC radio show, so fingers crossed she ballses up Ceefax soon and gets her much-deserved hat-trick.

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Some Big Brother traditions are sacred, like the tradition where the Big Brother housemates spend their last week in the Big Brother dressing up and recreating key scenes from the series like a bunch of preening nitwits.

This year the Big Brother housemates are recreating the scenes in the style of a movie. Yes you're right, that is exceptionally dull. Let's just get on with choosing a winner for this year's Big Brother, shall we? Remember that you've only got a few days of Big Brother betting left - and with no Celebrity Big Brother next year this is the last chance for nine months for you to place a bet on a gang of self-regarding idiots all living in a house together having a series of mindlessly petty arguments. Unless Paddy Power opens a book on you and your flatmates. But that probably isn't going to happen.

So here's part two of our final week Big Brother betting odds to win - for Ziggy and Liam - with help from Paddy Power…

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It's not uncommon for people to dislike their in-laws, although chances are your in-laws haven't tried to organise a mass boycott of your CDs because you keep spending the royalties on heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine all the time.

But that's only because your in-laws aren't Georgette and Giles Fielder-Civil. And because you don't routinely binge on heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine all the time. And because you're not a recording artist. Unless you're Amy Winehouse and you're reading this, because all that applies to you. Following her recent drug overdose, aborted rehab attempt and blood-soaked self-mutilation prostitute fight, Amy Winehouse's in-laws have called for her fans to stop buying her records until she's better. Incidentally, if you are Amy Winehouse and you're reading this, it might be an idea to stop now. You'll probably just get angry if you carry on.

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The only people who Britney Spears has ever abused are the designers of the dresses that Britney routinely smears with dog poo and anyone who saw her slam her tongue into Madonna's mouth at those awards in 2003.

Oh yeah, and possibly her children a bit too. Although she's slap-bang in the middle of the planet's most bitter child custody battle, Britney Spears is now being investigated for claims of child abuse. And while authorities are withholding the identity of whoever lodged the complaint against Britney Spears that sparked off the child abuse investigation, it's not thought that Britney Spears isn't being accused of any actual physical abuse. Unless you count dressing up your two young children in skintight red pleather catsuits and making them dance in a sexually provocative way to Oops I Did It Again, breaking one of their fingers each time they get a move wrong as physical abuse. Which it obviously isn't; after all, it never did us any harm.

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