Posts from August, 2007

You know that old saying 'Dance like nobody is watching?' Yeah, we recently learnt that it doesn't mean you should dance naked outside a primary school auditorium window during assembly and presume that nobody is watching.

That saying is a lot of crap, anyway. Anyone who is anyone knows that you should dance like everybody is watching, because if everyone is watching you dance they're more likely to forgive all the twattish things you've done recently like, say, having Eddie Murphy's baby and then shacking up with a convicted wife-beater. Following the explosion of popularity for Heather Mills after she took part earlier in the year, Mel B has signed up for the new season of American Strictly Come Dancing offshoot Dancing With The Stars. And Mel B is bound to do well on Dancing With The Stars because, well, because she's just about the only contestant we've ever heard of.

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It's coming to the part of the Phil Spector murder trial where the jury will have to stop listening to stories about how Phil Spector hates all women and decide if Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson or not - and nothing else.

Phil Spector's defence team has persuaded the court to kill the possibility that Phil Spector could be convicted of a lesser crime, like voluntary or involuntary manslaughter. That means the jury will only be able to consider Phil Spector's guilt of second-degree murder after the trial's closing statements next week. So, is Phil Spector guilty of murder or not? This is all turning out to be a bit like Deal Or No Deal, isn't it? Only a version of Deal Or No Deal where the result is decided by listening to several months of scientific evidence about an old man with lesbian hair instead of the random opening of some boxes as presided over by a beardy bloke who pulls inappropriate spaz-faces a lot and hears voices in his head.

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The dreadful realisation that Owen Wilson's weekend suicide attempt really happened is still slowly sinking in - but now details surrounding Owen Wilson's attempted suicide are starting to emerge, and it's not good for Alan Partridge.

As Owen Wilson takes the time he needs to recover from the suicide attempt by dropping out of forthcoming Ben Stiller movie Tropic Thunder, Owen Wilson's attorney has come forward to reveal that, although he tried to kill himself by slashing his wrists, reports that Owen Wilson also took a drug overdose were way off the mark. Meanwhile, dear old Courtney Love has decided to shoulder-barge her way into the Owen Wilson suicide attempt melee by blaming the whole thing squarely on Steve Coogan, suggesting that Coogan pumped Owen Wilson full of drugs and that's why he attempted suicide. The moral of this story is don't let Steve Coogan be your friend. Or don't get Courtney Love pregnant. Or don't try and kill yourself. Definitely one of those three.

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The other day we were thinking "why isn't there an online game that combines the pitiful lack of coordination, grace and attractiveness that you get from drinking with none of the glowing sense of friendship, excitement and reduced inhibitions you get from drink?"

And look - here's that very game. Drunk Klunk is a drinking simulator of the most painfully simple kind. Someone gives you a drink, you drink it, someone else gives you another drink, and so on. But the trickiness in Drunk Klunk is staying upright - the more the drink the more you lose your sense of balance. And the animation in the Drunk Klunk toppling scenes are just perfect, although you're going to discover that for yourself soon enough.

Play Drunk Klunk now 

And there we were thinking that 'fine' meant 'doing well' and not 'taking enough drugs to almost kill yourself then slashing yourself with a razorblade in the presence of a hooker until your family voices its worry on the radio.'

But, hey, we must be in the wrong, because Amy Winehouse's brother Alex has declared that his sister is fine and "not capable of doing anything awful." Let's all of us make a pact now - none of us should ever hire Amy Winehouse's brother as a quality control officer. Not only is Amy Winehouse anything other than fine - we can't decide if it was the overdose of cocaine, heroin, ketamine and ecstasy or the pictures of Amy Winehouse covered in blood after her husband caught her self-mutilating with a drug-taking prostitute that tipped us off - but Amy Winehouse is clearly very capable of doing something awful, as anyone who's heard her cover version of that Zutons song will be able to attest.

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It must be tough being a refugee.

Having to flee your war-torn home country, not knowing whether you'll be able to eat for days or even weeks, unsure of where you and your children will be sleeping night after night - it sounds like a terrible existence. You know what would make it better, though? Realising that the nice lady from Mr. And Mrs. Smith is thinking about you.

Oh, yes - Angelina Jolie has jetted out to Syria to chat with a load of Iraqi refugees. Quite how the downtrodden hordes took to meeting the U.N's 'goodwill ambassador' has yet to be confirmed - although possibly something along the lines of "Stop playing up the self-harm thing, it's boring now," "Tomb Raider really was rubbish, you know," or maybe "'goodwill' won't feed my fucking children, you useless Hollywood twatbasket."

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This last week of Big Brother is crawling by so slowly that it's all we can do not to go and hibernate until tomorrow night when, finally, we get to discover who the winner of Big Brother 2007 is.

Literally the most exciting thing to happen in the Big Brother house lately is Ziggy asking to leave - and that stopped being exciting after the first eight million times he did it. So, to tide you over until tomorrow's great big Big Brother finale, why not place a Big Brother bet? It couldn't be easier to do, and this series of Big Brother could go one of two ways, meaning that the Big Brother betting odds aren't as ridiculously small as they were last year when Pete won. So you'll make even more money than before by betting on the winner of Big Brother. How could you possibly refuse?

Here's today's instalment of the Big Brother betting odds to win - for Brian - with help from Paddy Power…

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In a couple of days it'll be the tenth anniversary of Princess Diana's death - a day that red-eyed people up and down the land will commemorate by hurling flowers at the windscreens of any passing cars, dangerously obscuring the view.

But Prince William, one of the only people who's really got any reason to be upset by Princess Diana's death. He won't be marking the anniversary by whistling Candle In The Wind, polishing his Princess Diana collectible plates and studiously avoiding Scalextric sets - instead, Prince William will be writing a book about what Princess Diana was like as a child - something he's expertly qualified to write about because he also used to be a child and they sort of look quite similar sometimes. It's thought that Prince William's Princess Diana book will be absurdly popular, because he'll be king soon and if you don't buy it he'll get his royal henchmen to attack you with a bejewelled cutlass. Or whatever.

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Imagine that you're a Hollywood studio executive and someone pitched you a movie starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, that annoying kid from the last Die Hard movie to be directed by the guy who did License To Wed.

Now, at what point would you set the dogs on him? Personally we'd have lasted until the 'Aff' in Affleck, but that's just us. Anyway, some people must like the idea of Jennifer Aniston, Justin Long and Drew Barrymore starring in a film made by the man responsible for dressing Robin Williams up as a vicar and letting him gurgle on in 12 different voices for 90 minutes, because that film is being made, and it's called He's Just Not That Into You. And Scarlett Johansson is in it. And the crap one from Entourage is in it. And Ben Affleck has just signed up for it. Still, He's Just Not That Into You won't be released for a couple of years, so you've got plenty of time to bury your head somewhere safe before it's released, like a gas oven.

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When Rosie O'Donnell left The View earlier this year, she left a giant void - a void that could only be filled by a drunk bald midget belching vomit up into his mouth in front of an appalled studio audience.

Luckily Danny DeVito fits that description perfectly. Next week the new series of The View starts with Whoopi Goldberg acting as Rosie O'Donnell's replacement. But if the prospect of seeing the slightly nunnish alien bartender from the 1990s remake of Star Trek trying not to punch Elisabeth Hasselbeck in the nose for spouting her relentless torrent of ill-informed nonsense isn't going to tempt you to tune in, maybe the prospect of seeing Danny DeVito on The View for the first time since he turned up drunk will - although to top his last appearance Danny DeVito might well have to projectile vomit a red-hot jet of pure alcohol into Barbara Walters's screaming face. Which, you know, we'd be cool with. 

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The world of reality television may have its detractors, but there'll always be a market for it until mainstream scripted drama starts to tackle big issues like how children burn their faces and drink bleach when they're left unsupervised.

And until that day comes, reality TV is going to have to cover those issues in shows like Kid Nation. For the uninitiated, Kid Nation is a new CBS reality TV show that dumps a bunch of kids in an abandoned ghost town and sees how long it'll take for them to form tribes and start crushing the other kids with boulders, or something. Surprisingly enough, Kid Nation has been roundly criticised by just about everyone, from those concerned that labour laws were breached during filming to parents angry that their children started drinking bleach. But we say this - would you rather watch a child screaming in pain because they've badly burnt their face in a kitchen accident or Dance X? The question answers itself, people!

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There's still been no official confirmation from the Wilson family that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself by taking an overdose of pills and slashing his wrist on Saturday, but the speculation is starting to look horribly accurate.

The Santa Monica Police Department phone logs show that a 911 call was made on Saturday for what's listed as a suicide attempt, reinforcing rumours that Owen Wilson's current hospital stay is down to an attempt to end his his life. But that hasn't answered the questions about why Owen Wilson - one of the most well-respected comedy actors around - would even attempt suicide in such an unnervingly out of the blue way. Some sources are suggesting that Owen Wilson attempted suicide after a fight with a close friend, while others are blaming the break-up of his relationship with Kate Hudson - but nobody is ruling out the notion that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself out of embarrassment after watching The Haunting again, either.

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