Posts from August, 2007

Gut and schlecht.

Folded:

• BBQs before 8pm (you can’t beat the whiff of a good burnt burger)

• The Bourne Ultimatum (if you still haven’t seen it, what’s the matter with you?)

• The kids are going back to school! (balances that Owen Wilson thing out)

• Maltesers milk drink (goes all frothy, tastes like frothy chocolate)

• The X Factor (now back on Saturday nights with the hoover bag of life spewing all over your carpet. Wouldn’t miss it)

Creased:

• BBQs after 8pm (you will be eaten alive by gnats)

• Owen Wilson on the slide (a shame, as this guy’s actually good)

• Facebook group invitations (we think you know where you can stick your ‘purity/love/friendship’ test…)

• No Celebrity Big Brother in 2008 (January’s going to be a quiet piss-take month)

• Dermot O’Leary on The X Factor (bringing his own brand of Jesus TV to dullest links in the history of the world ever. Debbie King should have been host. Even Xtra Factor’s Fearne Cotton would have been a fitter, funkier, cuter, altogether more dateable choice)

That's it - we're quitting this charade of a dayjob and going into the knickerless vagina-lurching and desperate bald-headed rehab suicide attempt business full-time, because it seems to be raking in the cash for Britney Spears.

Although it's been two and a half years since she, you know, actually did stuff, Britney Spears is still rolling around in cash like Britney Spears's dog rolling around in its own shit. Thanks to the ongoing child custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, court documents have been released showing that Britney Spears still makes $737,868 a month - around £4 million a year. At the same time the court documents also revealed how much Kevin Federline makes each month, but sadly we can't pass on the amount because our keyboards don't allow us to print the monetary symbol for some buttons and a marble he stole from a schoolboy once.

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Poor old Amy Winehouse - after almost dying from a huge drug overdose and having a blood-filled fight with her husband over some drugs and a hooker, performing at the MTV VMAs would have been a brief fun-filled respite for her.

But no. Amy Winehouse has announced that she won't be taking part in this year's MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas as planned next month because she's busy trying to face and recover from her drug addictions. Well that's the theory, anyway; but if we were Amy Winehouse and it was us who'd just made worldwide headlines by overdosing on heroin, cocaine, ketamine and ecstasy then ditching rehab and getting caught doing more drugs with a whore by our spouse, then imagining a gang of burly American immigration officials jamming themselves elbow-deep up our rectums after an ten-hour flight full of overbearing stag parties might put us off a bit too.

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Leonardo Di Caprio wants to save the world, and not just by shouting about being the king of the world on doomed ocean vessels, either - but poor old Leonardo keeps running into trouble no matter what he tries to do.

Take The 11th Hour, for example. The 11th Hour is Leonardo Di Caprio's completely original documentary about climate change that absolutely hasn't been influenced by An Inconvenient Truth at all, a last-minute warning for the world to change its ways before the Sun melts the ice caps killing everyone so they can't see any new films that Leonardo Di Caprio makes from his sunproof floating millionaire's aqualung. But The 11th Hour has come in for criticism from exactly the place Di Caprio didn't want - Greenpeace co-founder Dr Patrick Moore says that The 11th Hour is wrong to rant uncontrollably about deforestation because science has proved that trees are shit and there'd be more room for shops is forests weren't there.

Did we mention that Patrick Moore works for the forestry industry now?

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In between the alcoholism, fighting, arrests and child sex abuse, the world of country music has barely had time to record any songs this year, let alone swig moonshine behind a corn silo while pappy twangs along on his banjo.

But that would be discounting George Strait from proceedings. While the rest of the country music industry has done its best to prove that it's the music industry you'd least likely want to be stuck in a car on a long journey with, George Strait has carried on doing what he does best - picking up more cowboy award nominations than anyone else. The Country Music Association just announced the nominees for it's awards this year and, like with the Academy Of Country Music awards, George Strait has picked up the most nominations. Obviously this would be a much more interesting story if we knew who George Strait was, or if country music didn't make us want to bribe a lion to bite our ears off, but shhh.

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If you've read hecklerspray for any period of time you'll be aware that Bloons has taken up more of our brainspace than anything else, with the exception of whatever dumb shit Britney Spears gets up to on any given day.

And that's equally the case with Bloons Tower Defence, a game that swallowed up an entire weekend of ours without us even noticing. Although Bloons Tower Defence is a Bloons game in look and concept alone - monkeys pop balloons with darts - the rest of the gameplay has been abandoned in favour of a more generic tower defence game where you buy and position monkeys and they do all the shooting. If you're going to play Bloons Tower Defence, here's a word of advice - save up for the Hypermonkey. They rule.

Play Bloons Tower Defence Now

On Tuesday the 2007 Mercury Prize will be handed out to one of 12 mostly quite exciting bands. And Amy Winehouse. And The View. OK, 10 mostly quite exciting bands.

The winner of the Mercury Prize hasn't been decided yet - that all lies in the hands of a panel so painfully contrary that they'd give the Mercury Prize to a CD of your granny farting into a funnel if they thought nobody would expect them to - but, as with most Mercury Prizes, there are probably a bunch of nominees you've never even heard of. And that's where we come in. We've got five copies of this year's Mercury Prize compilation CD to give away. We're going to give them away to you, you know.

The 2007 Mercury Prize compilation CD is a pretty nifty sampler, too. Between Fionn Regan's disarmingly lovely Be Good Or Be Gone, Jamie T's breathtakingly daring Salvador or Maps' intimately fuzzy Lost My Soul, there's an awful lot to love. So, to win a copy of the 2007 Mercury Prize compilation CD, all you need to do is answer the following question:

Which act won the Mercury Prize last year?

Email your answers along with your name and address to hecklerspray[AT]gmail.com and we'll pick five winners at random at some point tomorrow. And then the Mercury Music Prize compilation CD will be all yours. And yours. And yours. And yours. And, yes, yours. Good luck!

Nobody has a harder life than Jesse Metcalfe out of Desperate Housewives. Sure, he's got money and fame and good looks, but how would you like it if the only way you could get a girlfriend was to tattoo her tits onto your arm?

Jesse Metcalfe, the boy from Desperate Housewives who looks like a robot, has been enjoying an on/off love affair with Nadine Coyle, the one from Girls Aloud who actually gets to sing sometimes, for the past God knows how long. And, to be honest, the relationship between Jesse Metcalfe and Nadine Coyle is on and off so much that people have just stopped caring, not least because they're both so unfamous that people have to always explain who they are before discussing them. Anyway, it would seem as if Jesse Metcalfe and Nadine Coyle are on again, because Jesse Metcalfe has just got a hugely tasteless tattoo of Nadine Coyle with her bangers on display and her heart ripped out, almost identical to the one hecklerspray has of Lee Ryan on our buttocks.

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Anyone see Die Hard 4.0 this summer?

It was enjoyable popcorn fun, sure - but hecklerspray thought it would have been, like, sixty billion times better if it had included one vital element. And what element is that?

Why, a Japanese Bruce Willis, that's what.

Thank the sweet baby Jesus, then, for Puchi Bruce. We don't know anything about Puchi Bruce really, other than that a) he is indeed Japanese, and b) his bizarre recreations of key scenes from the Die Hard movies are among some of the most baffling video clips you'll ever see in your life.

Want to see Puchi Bruce in action? Sure you do. In fact, if you click yerself over to Japan Probe (officially one of the best sites in the world, second only to the one you've strapped your eyes to right now) you can treat yourself to a whole assortment of the buggers. And what would be a better starting point than Puchi Bruce jumping off a building ? We honestly couldn't say.

"Hold on…" we can hear you murmur. "Bruce Willis? John McClain? He's yesterday's news. Aren't those Japs up to date with the latest development in action heroes? Don't they know who Jack Bauer is?"

Silly fools. Of course they know who Jack Bauer is. They like him so much, in fact, that they've created a truly bizarre commercial for the upcoming 24 boxset … which includes a special Japanese Jack Bauer song that's so infuriatingly catchy you'll be singing it as you're lowered into your grave.

Altogether now: "Jac-CK BOW-eerrrr"… 

Read more:

Puchi Bruce - Japan Probe 

The final day of any series of Big Brother always conjures up a mixture of conflicting emotions in its viewers - we've lived with Big Brother for so long that not having it around will be weird, like getting an ovarian cyst removed or something.

This series of Big Brother has been the longest yet, lasting approximately seven calender years from beginning to end. This series of Big Brother has gone on for so long that neither of the Big Brother twins were actually born when it began, and Jonty had yet to learn the dangerous thrill of getting his willy out in front of girls. So make the most of tonight's Big Brother final - and all the badly-judged, super-short eviction interviews that'll go with it - and don't forget that this is your absolute last chance to place a Big Brother bet. After all, it's not as if you're going to give a flying toss about any of the housemates after tonight, is it?

But who'll win Big Brother tonight? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Sam & Amanda, with help from Paddy Power…

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Before Kevin Federline, before the babies, before the vagina, before the going bald and attacking cars with an umbrella then calling herself the devil in rehab and trying to kill herself, Britney Spears was a singer.

Not that you'd remember that now, though - it's been so long since anyone thought of Britney Spears as anything but a car-crash nutjob with bad taste in fashion, awful taste in men and worse taste in deciding who to show her vagina to that any memories of Britney Spears the megastar pop singer have been eclipsed by a slightly nasty image of Britney blasting soupy vomit onto a boy's lap. But Britney Spears is determined to change that, with rumours growing that a brand new Britney Spears single - entitled Gimme More - is set to be released to radio next week. But what is it that Britney Spears wants more of? Hair? Babies? Knickers? Expensive dresses that she can smear dogshit all over? Oh, we're so excited.

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Thursdays are when our bins are emptied and also when the council tend to shout at us for not separating our glass from our plastics. Unless you’re into recycling this is as thrilling as watching your Uncle Ben’s microwave rice cook.

However, something much more interesting and almost sexually arousing is our MySpace Trawl feature. We separate the gash from the good and guarantee to bring you musical acts that are different and interesting. This week’s artist could almost be confused for either an overpriced shampoo or a dodgy beauty salon that operates in a grubby council estate. Head and Neck Session are fortunately neither of the above but produce music that dots around the genres of ambiance, hip hop, jazz and electronics.  

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