Posts from July, 2007

In this instant digital world, it's rare for a buzz about someone to trickle around the world at a snail's pace any more. And that's where Siren Songs by Gretchen Lieberum comes into play.

Americans have known about Gretchen Lieberum for some time now, and Siren Songs has been available to buy there for a couple of years. But, like skateboards and childhood obesity, Siren Songs has taken its time to cross the moment. And not a moment too soon, either, because listening to Siren Songs by Gretchen Lieberum is like listening to slowly melting chocolate.

Read the rest of this entry »

Nicole Richie has apparently been hiding, but we didn't expect you to know that - in fact, if you do routinely ponder the whereabouts of Nicole Richie on a day-to-day basis you should probably just sit quietly while we call you an ambulance.

However, Nicole Richie's hiding is about to come spectacularly to an end. Not only is Nicole Richie due to take part in some kind of televised 'tell-all' interview with Diane Sawyer next week, but it's also been reported that she's planning to secretly turn up to court today to cut a plea bargain that'll see her going to jail for driving backwards up a motorway on drugs. All this Nicole Richie news coming so quickly together has left us slightly dazed; we don't know what we're looking forward to most any more - Nicole Richie being on television or Nicole Richie going to jail.

Oh, who are we kidding? It's jail, obviously.

Read the rest of this entry »

You'd have thought that everyone got so sick of hearing about the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding last year that even the merest mention of it now would set the public off into all kinds of frightening involuntary convulsions.

But try telling that to David Hans Schmidt, who's just been arrested for trying to extort more than $1 million from Tom Cruise in return for him not publishing his stolen wedding photos to the world. Tom Cruise's people contacted the FBI and the arrest was made on Tuesday, further proof that you don't mess with Tom Cruise unless you want an angry midget getting the police on you. But, really, photos of Tom Cruise's wedding? Not only did that happen so long ago that everyone's stopped caring, but it was such a media-saturated event that everyone already knows everything anyway. Unless David Hans Schmidt had photos of Katie Holmes being transported to the wedding in a tiny veal cage with mascara running down her face, of course. Because they'd probably be worth a million dollars.

Read the rest of this entry »

The emergency services are not there to be abused - they are there only for severe times of crisis; if you need to report a crime, a fire, a horrific accident or if Lindsay Lohan is angrily chasing you around in her car with cocaine in her pocket.

Fortunately, one unidentified woman chose to use the seldom-used 911 Lindsay Lohan hotline on Tuesday morning to report that very thing. Following the 911 call, Lindsay Lohan was stopped by the police, failed a sobriety test, was found to have an illegally high blood alcohol level and a bunch of cocaine in her pockets and was promptly arrested for DUI. But what exactly did the 911 call that summoned the police to arrest Lindsay Lohan sound like? Fans of increasingly hysterical women and unusually pissy emergency service officers are advised to read on, as we've got the Lindsay Lohan 911 call in full, just for you.

Read the rest of this entry »

We're not sure that we need to play a game called Idiot Test because the entire universe seems to treat the hecklerspray staff as the subjects of a giant cosmic idiot test that we're doomed to fail. It's the sort of idiot test that means we'll lose one shoe in a shopping centre and get mocked about it for months.

But for the rest of you, here's Idiot Test 4. In Idiot Test 4 the aim of the game is to prove you're not an idiot. This is achieved by following a simple set of instructions on screen, like 'press a button' and 'press the number 4'. But here's the thing. You're going to fail Idiot Test 4. You're going to fail Idiot Test 4 again and again and again. But, since you usually leave shopping centres with both of your shoes, that means you're probably better than us.

Play Idiot Test 4 now

Spectacles are brilliant.

Why? Because they make you look goshdarned intelligent, that's why - intelligent enough to say things like "aaaahh, you see, I'm actually reading Jodie Marsh's autobiography because I believe it makes valuable points about the objectification of women in a post-feminist society, aaahhh."

Yes-siree, the glasses-wearers of the hecklerspray office sure do love their specs. We are, though, a bit partial to wearing them the traditional way… and probably not too keen on ramming a piercing through our nose and slapping on the lenses with magnets.

We're a bit old-fashioned like that.

Pierced Glasses

What with the flooding and the Taliban hostage-taking and the Tour De France drugs scandal, people need hope in their hearts this week - so thank the lord that Jessica Alba is single again!

That's right - Jessica Alba, the woman who regularly tops polls like 'Sexiest Female Ever,' 'Most Ideal Girlfriend' and 'Bad Actresses Whose Films You Watch Because She Looks OK In A Swimsuit' has reportedly broken up with Cash Warren, her boyfriend of two years, by apparently calling him up and suddenly admitting that she doesn't love him any more. So Jessica Alba is single again, making this officially the best chance you will ever have of sleeping with Jessica Alba, knocking that time you got drunk, paused Into The Blue and masturbated yourself to sleep to a blurred flickering image of Alba-cleavage into second place. A very close second place.

Read the rest of this entry »

The world of Fan Fiction has always been a murky one.

Whether its badly-scribbled nonsense about fictional characters or wishful rhetoric about real-life people, chances are its going to be essentially harmless. After all, the people who write that kind of stuff presumably never leave the house anyway, so what danger are they going to be to anyone?

Occasionally, though, the odd nutcase slips through.

Just like the one who's stalking Girls Aloud.

Read the rest of this entry »

It's a big day in the Big Brother house; not only are six new Big Brother housemates going to be sort of entering the Big Brother house - except the ones that aren't, we think - it looks like today will be Charley's last day as a housemate.

Placed up for Big Brother eviction against Tracey, a sort of fleshy Mr Punch puppet as operated by Ray Winstone, Charley has been letting the stress of nominations get to her this week. She's fought with Brian, she's fought with Chanelle, she's fought with Brian again - and the whole thing has been so uncomfortable to watch that we're taking comfort from the fact that at least Charley won't be allowed to re-enter the Big Brother house to tell everyone how much the public loves her this time. That's if Charley does get evicted from the Big Brother house, of course.

But will she? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for the eviction of Charley, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

The last few mind-twisting episodes aside, the last season of Lost was a bit of a damp squib - something that we attribute solely to the lack of any men running round a forest screaming the word "Walt" every three and a half seconds.

That's all set to change, though - it has been announced by ABC chief Steve McPherson that the next season of Lost will herald the return of Harold Perrineau's Michael, the character who managed to squeeze in killing two rubbish Lost characters with a gun and leaving the island on an Others-sanctioned boat in between all the aforementioned Walt-screaming. As yet it's unknown what role Michael will play in the fourth season of Lost, although Lost experts seem to agree that it'll either involve more of him either a) yelling "Walt!" like an autistic toddler or b) standing around trying to figure out how Walt managed to go through all of puberty in the space of two weeks.

Read the rest of this entry »