Posts from July, 2007

Rare is the kind of horny gentlemen who has never let his eye 'accidentally' wander up to the top shelf during a visit to a newsagents, where all sorts of mucky jazz magazines are available to satisfy the urges of the dirty consumer.

Be it two girls embracing in a display of good old homosexuality, people donning various items of clothing or other stuff that is hard to stomach, porn is everywhere. Of course, one of the biggest and well known porn magazines - or as we like to call them - 'gentlemen’s literature' - is Playboy. After being in circulation for over 50 years, Playboy's founder Hugh Hefner is still alive and kicking. At the ripe old age of 81, he still has plenty of life in him. So much life, in fact, that he has sparked rumours that he wants to implant his seed into one of playmates.

Remember, he’s 81. 

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This summer the weekend box office has been strong on tenth-rate third sequels that lack the creativity of their predecessors and light on slightly disappointing movie spin-offs of popular TV shows that you really, really wanted to love.

But, hey, The Simpsons Movie has gone and redressed the balance. The Simpsons Movie is top of the US weekend box office, even though just about everyone who has seen it wishes that Chief Wiggum was in it more and that bit with Lisa and the Irish boy actually went somewhere. And that the surprise superstar cameo belonged to someone other than Tom Hanks. And that it was as funny as The Simpsons was in its prime. And that, deep down, they didn't think it was the best film of the summer so far, which it probably is.

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It's hard to adequately sum up the magnitude of Nicole Richie being sentenced to jail after a spell of substance-fuelled life-endangering driving, but we'll try - Nicole Richie going to jail is like Paris Hilton going to jail, only less people care.

Oh, OK, actually that was easier than we thought. Anyway, on Friday - as suspected - Nicole Richie pleaded guilty to one charge of driving into oncoming motorway traffic while off her face on drugs like some kind of effing bell-end and was sentenced to four days in jail for it. Nicole Richie going to jail will be initially hard for everyone - Nicole's torso will no doubt be used as a bony dildo by the jail's largest, meanest, hairiest inmate; while the prison guards will swiftly discover that, no, Nicole Richie isn't on hunger strike and that eating one whole bean a day is actually the equivalent to a medieval banquet for her tiny underdeveloped stomach.

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Like everyone in the world, hecklerspray would love nothing more than to become a rock star. Yes, the times we've watched the Cliff Richard Wired For Sound video glowering with bitter resentment… that should by us rollerskating through a shopping centre with a sweatband on, Cliff. It should be us.

But since we'll never be able to have what Cliff has got in real life, we're going to have to do with Kudos Rock Legend instead. Kudos Rock Legend is, hands down, one of the best games we've ever featured as a Slackerjack - it's pure wish fulfilment from beginning to end. As the singer in a band, Kudos Rock Legend lets you hire and fire musicians, book shows and rehearse until you make it right to the very top. We love Kudos Rock Legend so much - it's just like being in a real middling journeyman rock group but without all the hanging round inside Transit vans eating Ginsters pies every day.

Order Kudos Rock Legend Now

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Mike Reid - known to millions as Frank Butcher from EastEnders - has died of a heart attack in Marbella aged 67; already friends are calling him 'the finest actor of his generation to do a nude scene on a family soap opera with a skinny bow-tie on'.

Mike Reid, of course, had many strings to his bow. Not only was he cockney wheeler-dealer Frank Butcher in EastEnders, but he was also the confusingly aggressive host of children's TV show Runaround and - first and foremost - a foul-mouthed, working men's club-style stand-up comedian. And now that Mike Reid's dead, we'll no longer be able to see him pop up on EastEnders once every two years for a series of extended cameos that mainly involve him kissing Pat Butcher with tongues. It's small thoughts like that that'll help us through this difficult time.

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On Friday night Charley became the latest housemate to be evicted from Big Brother, as the public finally worked out that when Charley said "I'm not being funny" a thousand times a sentence, she really wasn't being funny - but that's not all.

Because also on Friday, five new semi-Big Brother housemates were put into something called the Big Brother halfway house, with Big Brother promising us that their arrival would really shake things up. Three of the five new almost-housemates will have been booted off of Big Brother forever by the end of today, so all you need know is that one of the new Big Brother housemates is a pagan arsehole, one is a glamour model arsehole who isn't nearly as pretty or clever as she thinks she is, one is a big-mouthed arsehole, one is a rah-rah hoity-toity arsehole and one is a 36-year-old teddy-loving virgin arsehole who's bisexual at spanking, or something. And that's literally all you need to know.

But who's going to win Big Brother? Here's part one of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Tracey, Ziggy and Sam - with help from Paddy Power…

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“Is that with pay or without pay?”

Folded:

• The Simpsons Movie has arrived! (check your pulse, the only way this is won’t be exciting to you is if you’re dead)

• Puppet on a Chain (gripping Alistair MacLean B-movie from 1971. Some impressively visceral judo fights and a boat chase to make your legs wobble. Wonder who’ll be remaking it..?)

• The Kurt Cobain ‘action figure’ (re-enact all your favourite Nirvana moments with bendy Kurt and some mocked-up Action Man toys. Pass Go, collect your anti-depressants)

• More insane Rambo 4 mayhem (Rambo tearing some poor fellow’s head clean off his shoulders with his bare hands? Sly’s off his meds!)

• Heroes finally on BBC2 (slightly plodding start that will, has to, get better)

Creased:

• Cooking (it’s not relaxing - making a mess, buying pricey ingredients, washing up, too hot, burning yourself – it’s stressful)

• Prime Cut (recently shown late night on BBC1. If seeing Sissy Spacek naked in her first ever movie role is for you, seek this out. Otherwise don’t bother)

• Cancelling Lovefilm.com (you’ve had the 30 days free trial, you phone up to cancel your account, some guy with an impenetrable foreign accent tries desperately to talk you out of it – for a fucking hour)

• The Simpsons Movie special edition Xbox 360 (bright yellow? Cool. Just a hundred made? Exclusive. Only available as competition prizes? Fuck that)

• Floods (not been affected? Lucky bloody you)

All this week we've been looking forward to just one thing - seeing pictures of Britney Spears absent-mindedly pawing at her genitals with her eyes rolled into the back of her head while wearing a dress covered in grease and dogshit.

And ever since OK! magazine announced that it was to run a warts-and-all account of Britney Spears' photo shoot meltdown, the world has been on the edge of its seat in anticipation of today's OK! magazine, because it had to - it just had to - have a picture of Britney Spears stumbling around out of her mind like some kind of tatty old shit-and-grease-covered redneck zombie. Right? Sadly not - instead, the cover of today's OK! magazine shrieks the words "Britney's Meltdown!" but features a large photo of, get this, Britney Spears looking happy and normal. Britney Spears looking happy and normal? You bastards, OK!

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In this instant digital world, it's rare for a buzz about someone to trickle around the world at a snail's pace any more. And that's where Siren Songs by Gretchen Lieberum comes into play.

Americans have known about Gretchen Lieberum for some time now, and Siren Songs has been available to buy there for a couple of years. But, like skateboards and childhood obesity, Siren Songs has taken its time to cross the moment. And not a moment too soon, either, because listening to Siren Songs by Gretchen Lieberum is like listening to slowly melting chocolate.

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Nicole Richie has apparently been hiding, but we didn't expect you to know that - in fact, if you do routinely ponder the whereabouts of Nicole Richie on a day-to-day basis you should probably just sit quietly while we call you an ambulance.

However, Nicole Richie's hiding is about to come spectacularly to an end. Not only is Nicole Richie due to take part in some kind of televised 'tell-all' interview with Diane Sawyer next week, but it's also been reported that she's planning to secretly turn up to court today to cut a plea bargain that'll see her going to jail for driving backwards up a motorway on drugs. All this Nicole Richie news coming so quickly together has left us slightly dazed; we don't know what we're looking forward to most any more - Nicole Richie being on television or Nicole Richie going to jail.

Oh, who are we kidding? It's jail, obviously.

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You'd have thought that everyone got so sick of hearing about the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding last year that even the merest mention of it now would set the public off into all kinds of frightening involuntary convulsions.

But try telling that to David Hans Schmidt, who's just been arrested for trying to extort more than $1 million from Tom Cruise in return for him not publishing his stolen wedding photos to the world. Tom Cruise's people contacted the FBI and the arrest was made on Tuesday, further proof that you don't mess with Tom Cruise unless you want an angry midget getting the police on you. But, really, photos of Tom Cruise's wedding? Not only did that happen so long ago that everyone's stopped caring, but it was such a media-saturated event that everyone already knows everything anyway. Unless David Hans Schmidt had photos of Katie Holmes being transported to the wedding in a tiny veal cage with mascara running down her face, of course. Because they'd probably be worth a million dollars.

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The emergency services are not there to be abused - they are there only for severe times of crisis; if you need to report a crime, a fire, a horrific accident or if Lindsay Lohan is angrily chasing you around in her car with cocaine in her pocket.

Fortunately, one unidentified woman chose to use the seldom-used 911 Lindsay Lohan hotline on Tuesday morning to report that very thing. Following the 911 call, Lindsay Lohan was stopped by the police, failed a sobriety test, was found to have an illegally high blood alcohol level and a bunch of cocaine in her pockets and was promptly arrested for DUI. But what exactly did the 911 call that summoned the police to arrest Lindsay Lohan sound like? Fans of increasingly hysterical women and unusually pissy emergency service officers are advised to read on, as we've got the Lindsay Lohan 911 call in full, just for you.

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