Posts from July, 2007

Eddie Murphy may have a tattoo of Scary Spice located somewhere on his body, and he may have fathered Scary Spice's baby, but when it comes to getting engaged, Eddie Murphy's rule is to find someone who most definitely isn't Scary Spice at all.

Eddie Murphy, you see, has just got engaged to Tracey Edmonds - the woman who he apparently called his girlfriend long before he properly split up with Mel B. And history dictates that, now they're engaged, Eddie Murphy will quickly knock Tracey Edmonds up, leave her and then question if he even fathered the baby in the first place, leaving Edmonds trying to juggle being a single mother with being part of the reformed Spice Girls. And so it is written.

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Well, OK, not a stinking hippy per se - but Al Gore's son Al Gore III has pleaded guilty to marijuana possession, plus he cares about the environment and stuff, so he's only really a pair of sandals and a henna tattoo away from being a stinking hippy.

But the level of Al Gore III's hippydom isn't really the issue here - the issue is that Al Gore III has pleaded guilty to possession of drugs after he was caught driving at 100mph with all sorts of drugs in his car. A politician with a troublesome family member? This is just like an episode of Heroes, although we're not sure that Heroes desperately needs a character whose special power involves constantly being stoned and having an unusually bottom-heavy face.

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Things couldn't be bleaker for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie at the moment - one's been in prison, one's going to prison, neither has eaten a normal-sized meal since 1993, and now their TV show The Simple Life has been kicked into touch, too.

For four years The Simple Life has been used as the answer every time that someone asked Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie "What are you for?" But now they'll have to think up different answers like "I'm a failed pop star ex-con with several internet porn movies to my name" or "I'm dead skinny, me" because it's been announced that this season of The Simple Life will be the last. But forget Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie being unemployed, what will happen to the man who plays the confused-sounding upwards redneck fiddle noise every time Paris or Nicole screwed something up on The Simple Life? We're not sure he even has a union.

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Whatever you think about her, there is literally no job that Kelly Osbourne can't do - in the past Kelly Osbourne has been a failed pop star, a failed actor and a failed TV presenter - and now Kelly's trying her hand at the world of musical theatre.

It has been announced that Kelly Osbourne is to join the cast of Chicago in London for seven weeks starting in September. Starring in Chicago is something that Kelly Osbourne is talking very seriously - she's lost most of her bodyweight and given herself a glamorous new look to show her dedication to the undertaking. However, this makeover has apparently riled the Chicago producers, who had written in a special new miserable overweight tuneless character with a wet-sounding speech impediment especially for Kelly Osbourne's arrival.

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In times of sadness, there are always silver linings to grab hold of; so Britney Spears and Kevin Federline shouldn't think they've gained a divorce this week, but lost either a gold-digging cornrowed redneck or a poo-covered mental magazine model.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have finally got officially divorced from one another, ending one of the most unsightly marriages in pop history. There were several sticking points in the Britney Spears / Kevin Federline divorce procedure, namely that the couple's children would have the best possible care. Sadly though, that part of the divorce didn't work out as well as was expected, since babies Sean Preston and Jayden James will still have Britney Spears and Kevin Federline as parents.

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Snipers are cool. They spend days and days slowly inching into a perfect space without being seen, work out their enemy's movement patterns, have a quick wank to steady themselves and then - bang. Job done.

But even better than being a sniper is playing a snipers game on your computer at work. It's just the same, but without the days of preparation or the wanking. Unless you enjoy wanking at work. Sicko.

This Snipers game is a little different to traditional snipers in that all the baddies seem to know exactly where you are, and are much better shots than you. This makes the Snipers game ridiculously difficult.

Play Snipers now

L-I-N-D-S-A-Y (Career Suicide)

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This is why the internet kicks so much arse - a week after Lindsay Lohan gets arrested for getting all Bullitt on another car with a pocket full of cocaine and a blood system full of booze and comedian Smooth-E has already written, performed and made a video laying into her.

There's not a lot to say about Smooth-E's Lindsay Lohan video, except that it's part Grand Theft Auto, part hip-hop video and part another nail in Lindsay Lohan's career. But before you watch this and start feeling superior to Lindsay Lohan, just ask yourself who'll make a lightning-fast parody video of you when you're arrested for DUI with cocaine in your pocket? Nobody, that's who. Unless you ask us really nicely. 

Right now there literally isn't a thing that television can do right, whether its editing a documentary to make the Queen look like a hooligan, making Penelope Cruz look like she's got giant eyelashes or showing clips of a man cooking a turtle at teatime.

That last one's the latest one to happen, by the way. Ofcom has reprimanded Harry Hill's TV Burp for repeating a clip of berserkoid survival programme Bear Grylls Born Survivor where enthusiastic survival expert weirdo Bear Grylls bites the head off a frog and then cooks what appears to be a live turtle at teatime. Disgusting yes, but ask yourself this - what's more disgusting - the sight of a slightly gonkish man chewing the head off a tree frog or other Saturday teatime ITV programmes like X Factor? 

OK, probably the frog thing. You're right.

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Yesterday was quite possibly the most exciting day of Big Brother 8 so far, although if a seagull landed in the Big Brother garden and did a trump then that would probably have made it the most exciting day of Big Brother 8 so far too.

But anyway, yesterday was so exciting because Ziggy and Chanelle split up for the millionth time and, after days of promising, Chanelle finally walked out of the Big Brother house. But she wasn't missed for long, because then the Big Brother housemates chose which of the Big Brother halfway housemates would enter the main house. And the new Big Brother housemates are David the tubby camp pagan and Kara-Louise, a woman who our notes inform us is a 'rah rah smiley posho tosser'. So there.

But who's going to win Big Brother? Here's part two of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Carole and Gerry - with help from Paddy Power…

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In less than a week, newly rehab-fresh Lindsay Lohan has been arrested for DUI with drugs in her pocket, had her claims of innocence scoffed at by everyone and heard the terrified 911 call that prompted her arrest - so she may as well get sued too.

Dante Nigro and Jakon Sutter, the passengers in the car that Lindsay Lohan apparently decided to give boozy chase to her assistant's mother in, have hired an attorney to help claim the monetary compensation that being trapped in a car with a high-speed, furiously-drunk Lindsay Lohan deserves. Another man is claiming that Lindsay Lohan drove over his foot. So you can get money when Lindsay Lohan causes you pain and distress now? Cool - we've seen I Know Who Killed Me, so we're probably in for quite the windfall if that's the case.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: UFOlogy/Aliens

Well it happened again. Upwards of 100 people simultaneously saw the same UFOs - this time hovering over Stratford-Upon-Avon, Shakespeare's hometown. All those witnesses should make it a pretty credible flare-free account right? Of course not - doubters will be doubters.

An interesting twist here, though, is that a whole bunch of the witnesses filmed the objects with their camera phones - probably making this the most thoroughly documented UFO case since the Phoenix lights. Its history in the making.

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Usher, the world's number one proponent of dancing like a waiter carrying a stack of invisible plates across the greasy floor of a ferry in a hurricane, was supposed to get married this weekend - but that was before Usher blew it off at the last moment.

Usher was due to get married to his pregnant girlfriend Tameka Foster on Saturday, but the ceremony never happened because Usher called it off right before it was supposed to happen. Everything from security concerns to Usher's furious mother have been cited as reasons why the Usher / Tameka Foster wedding was suddenly cancelled, but one enduring explanation is that Usher simply got cold feet about it. Now, it would have been nice if Usher had thought this through before he spuffed a baby into Tameka's belly, but who are we to judge?

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