From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Big Brother Betting Odds: Carole, Seany & Jonathan Up, Liam To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

This Big Brother swimming task is going well, isn’t it? All the fun of watching people swim the English Channel with none of the fun that comes with hoping that a giant squid will come out of nowhere and smash them all into goo.

All in all, the Big Brother swimming task is the televisual equivalent of a really long car journey – starts off fun, then gets dull, then you despair that it’s not even halfway done yet, then you start complaining that you need the toilet, then you throw up onto your lap. Exactly like that. But don’t let the most boring task in Big Brother history put you off placing a Big Brother bet – now you know which of the housemates are slightly less crap than the other housemates, you’ve got a much better chance of seeing a return on your bet. And, after all, don’t you think you deserve a financial reward for watching Big Brother day after day? You could even put the winnings towards the brain surgery you’ll need after the show finishes.

Who’s going to win Big Brother? Time for our final slice of Big Brother betting odds to win for the week – for Brian, Gerry, Chanelle, Tracey and Liam – with help from Paddy Power…

This Big Brother swimming task is going well, isn't it? All the fun of watching people swim the English Channel with none of the fun that comes with hoping that a giant squid will come out of nowhere and smash them all into goo. All in all, the Big Brother swimming task is the televisual equivalent of a really long car journey - starts off fun, then gets dull, then you despair that it's not even halfway done yet, then you start complaining that you need the toilet, then you throw up onto your lap. Exactly like that. But don't let the most boring task in Big Brother history put you off placing a Big Brother bet - now you know which of the housemates are slightly less crap than the other housemates, you've got a much better chance of seeing a return on your bet. And, after all, don't you think you deserve a financial reward for watching Big Brother day after day? You could even put the winnings towards the brain surgery you'll need after the show finishes. Who's going to win Big Brother? Time for our final slice of Big Brother betting odds to win for the week - for Brian, Gerry, Chanelle, Tracey and Liam - with help from Paddy Power...
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Ringo Starr Goes Digital, World Rejoices

by Stuart Heritage

When Paul McCartney recently released his back catalogue onto digital formats, everyone knew that it was a harbinger for even more stupendous news, and now that news is here – Ringo Starr’s solo back-catalogue is finally ready to go digital!

Finally our lives will be complete. Every day since MP3s were invented we’ve howled in agony because we haven’t had the chance to pay 79p to hear Ringo Starr masterpieces like Coochy Coochy, Snookeroo and Gypsies In Flight. But now the wait is finally over – Ringo Starr has agreed to a deal putting his 1970s hit albums Ringo and Beaucoups Of Blues, along with a new Best Of compilation album, online across all digital music platforms. Rumours that this deal is worth in excess of £3.50, half a packet of Fruitella and several colourful ribbons are yet to be confirmed, but sound a little far-fetched at the moment.

When Paul McCartney recently released his back catalogue onto digital formats, everyone knew that it was a harbinger for even more stupendous news, and now that news is here - Ringo Starr's solo back-catalogue is finally ready to go digital! Finally our lives will be complete. Every day since MP3s were invented we've howled in agony because we haven't had the chance to pay 79p to hear Ringo Starr masterpieces like Coochy Coochy, Snookeroo and Gypsies In Flight. But now the wait is finally over - Ringo Starr has agreed to a deal putting his 1970s hit albums Ringo and Beaucoups Of Blues, along with a new Best Of compilation album, online across all digital music platforms. Rumours that this deal is worth in excess of £3.50, half a packet of Fruitella and several colourful ribbons are yet to be confirmed, but sound a little far-fetched at the moment.
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Hasselhoff Gets Sole Custody For More Kiddy-Filmed Drunk Fun

by Stuart Heritage

By now the whole world has seen the clip of David Hasselhoff too drunk to wear clothes, eat food or talk properly – and now that David Hasselhoff has been granted sole custody of his kids, the whole world is reacting in pretty much the same way.

That way, in case you needed it spelling out for you is as follows: “David Hasselhoff has got sole custody of his kids? After one of his daughters became so distraught at David Hasselhoff constantly drinking himself into oblivion that she filmed him drunk while warning him that he’d get the sack if he ever turned up to work drunk again? While David Hasselhoff was sprawled on the floor topless and unable to even eat a burger properly? What in God’s name must the mother be like for this to happen?”

Still, it’s good to see that David Hasselhoff didn’t celebrate his custody win by going out and getting hammered on booz… oh wait, our mistake.

By now the whole world has seen the clip of David Hasselhoff too drunk to wear clothes, eat food or talk properly - and now that David Hasselhoff has been granted sole custody of his kids, the whole world is reacting in pretty much the same way. That way, in case you needed it spelling out for you is as follows: "David Hasselhoff has got sole custody of his kids? After one of his daughters became so distraught at David Hasselhoff constantly drinking himself into oblivion that she filmed him drunk while warning him that he'd get the sack if he ever turned up to work drunk again? While David Hasselhoff was sprawled on the floor topless and unable to even eat a burger properly? What in God's name must the mother be like for this to happen?" Still, it's good to see that David Hasselhoff didn't celebrate his custody win by going out and getting hammered on booz... oh wait, our mistake.
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Michael Jackson Settles Out Of Court Over Massive Boring Lawsuit

by Stuart Heritage

Bad news, folks – the looming court battle between Michael Jackson and financial firm who hit him with a $48 million breach of contract lawsuit has been settled out of court, dashing everyone’s hopes of another Macaulay Culkin court appearance.

Although settling with the Prescient Acquisition Group out of court will be good for Michael Jackson’s public image – he knows as well as we do that the sight of him in court will stir up confusingly false mental images of him molesting children – the undisclosed figure of the settlement means that it’s probably fair to assume that Michael Jackson had to fork over quite a lot of money. And that means one of three things will happen: 1) Michael Jackson will have to ditch plans for that 50ft laser-eyed robot of himself to stroll around Las Vegas, 2) Michael Jackson will have to cut down on the old Jesus Juice intake or 3) Michael Jackson might have to record and promote a new album to make some money back. We’re not sure which one’s worse.

Bad news, folks - the looming court battle between Michael Jackson and financial firm who hit him with a $48 million breach of contract lawsuit has been settled out of court, dashing everyone's hopes of another Macaulay Culkin court appearance. Although settling with the Prescient Acquisition Group out of court will be good for Michael Jackson's public image - he knows as well as we do that the sight of him in court will stir up confusingly false mental images of him molesting children - the undisclosed figure of the settlement means that it's probably fair to assume that Michael Jackson had to fork over quite a lot of money. And that means one of three things will happen: 1) Michael Jackson will have to ditch plans for that 50ft laser-eyed robot of himself to stroll around Las Vegas, 2) Michael Jackson will have to cut down on the old Jesus Juice intake or 3) Michael Jackson might have to record and promote a new album to make some money back. We're not sure which one's worse.
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Michael Moore’s Sicko Yanked From YouTube

by Stuart Heritage

Michael Moore is having problems with the internet. Not only does the flipping thing keep crashing every time Michael Moore tries to order over 50 pizzas online at the same time, but his new movie Sicko has been spewed all across YouTube too.

A pirated version of Sicko appeared on YouTube this weekend, broken into several 14-minute chunks, and Sicko’s distributors Lionsgate and Weinstein Co have made a copyright claim to get it removed. Perhaps the reason why so many people think they have a right to access Sicko for free is because it’s not the sort of movie that requires a cinema-sized screen to enjoy it; something Michael Moore is trying to counter with a new edit of Sicko where the final scene is of Michael Moore parachuting into Cuba in a jumpsuit and machine-gunning everything in sight until it all explodes, before landing and riding a golden unicorn back across the sea to Miami to the sound of Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey.

Michael Moore is having problems with the internet. Not only does the flipping thing keep crashing every time Michael Moore tries to order over 50 pizzas online at the same time, but his new movie Sicko has been spewed all across YouTube too. A pirated version of Sicko appeared on YouTube this weekend, broken into several 14-minute chunks, and Sicko's distributors Lionsgate and Weinstein Co have made a copyright claim to get it removed. Perhaps the reason why so many people think they have a right to access Sicko for free is because it's not the sort of movie that requires a cinema-sized screen to enjoy it; something Michael Moore is trying to counter with a new edit of Sicko where the final scene is of Michael Moore parachuting into Cuba in a jumpsuit and machine-gunning everything in sight until it all explodes, before landing and riding a golden unicorn back across the sea to Miami to the sound of Don't Stop Believin' by Journey.
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Julia Roberts Thwumps Out Another Baby

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been three years since you’ve seen Julia Roberts in a new movie, and that’s because Julia Roberts has had other things on her mind – namely all the babies that keep growing inside her body like the one she’s just had removed.

Julia Roberts has given birth to her third child, a boy named Henry Daniel Moder. And the birth of baby Henry has now effectively ended the Hollywood career of Julia Roberts, after many of her peers expressed their disgust at Julia’s ability to normally give birth to her own children rather than just adopt them from somewhere hot and poor. But all is not lost, as Julia Roberts plans to restore her reputation by taking Henry Daniel Moder to Botswana, pretending that she’s just found him there, tearfully adopting him in front of the world’s media and changing his name to Kakhhhhkahhkabhp just to be sure she really fits in with all the other Hollywood mothers.

It's been three years since you've seen Julia Roberts in a new movie, and that's because Julia Roberts has had other things on her mind - namely all the babies that keep growing inside her body like the one she's just had removed. Julia Roberts has given birth to her third child, a boy named Henry Daniel Moder. And the birth of baby Henry has now effectively ended the Hollywood career of Julia Roberts, after many of her peers expressed their disgust at Julia's ability to normally give birth to her own children rather than just adopt them from somewhere hot and poor. But all is not lost, as Julia Roberts plans to restore her reputation by taking Henry Daniel Moder to Botswana, pretending that she's just found him there, tearfully adopting him in front of the world's media and changing his name to Kakhhhhkahhkabhp just to be sure she really fits in with all the other Hollywood mothers.
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SLACKERJACK – Tuberculosis

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a universal fact that being a doctor is probably the easiest job in the world – you get paid £250 a minute and all you have to do is bandage people up and shit. Meanwhile, the real grafters of the world – the celebrity bloggers – are left with the scraps. It’s unfair.

To demonstrate just how easy being a doctor clearly is, just take a look at today’s game – Tuberculosis. The point of Tuberculosis is to discover the specific bacteria that causes Tuberculosis. Woo hoo! After playing Tuberculosis for a while, we’ve realised that all this really took was a few minutes walking round mixing up ill spit on a glass and stabbing it into a guinea pig until it died. Curing Tuberculosis was a piece of cake, and now it’s done it’s given doctors more time to lord it about over everyone like a bunch of bastards. Everybody wins!

Play Tuberculosis now

It's a universal fact that being a doctor is probably the easiest job in the world - you get paid £250 a minute and all you have to do is bandage people up and shit. Meanwhile, the real grafters of the world - the celebrity bloggers - are left with the scraps. It's unfair. To demonstrate just how easy being a doctor clearly is, just take a look at today's game - Tuberculosis. The point of Tuberculosis is to discover the specific bacteria that causes Tuberculosis. Woo hoo! After playing Tuberculosis for a while, we've realised that all this really took was a few minutes walking round mixing up ill spit on a glass and stabbing it into a guinea pig until it died. Curing Tuberculosis was a piece of cake, and now it's done it's given doctors more time to lord it about over everyone like a bunch of bastards. Everybody wins! Play Tuberculosis now
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Bernard Manning Is Dead

by Stuart Heritage

Today the world is a poorer place. Well OK, maybe not poorer, but certainly less full of alarmingly offensive racist, sexist and homophobic old-fashioned comedians – comedian Bernard Manning died yesterday, age 76.

It’s been reported that Bernard Manning died in a Manchester hospital yesterday after suffering kidney failure. A modest man who never stopped selling out shows even after TV banned him, Bernard Manning is thought to have left behind a fortune worth £10 million, an army of devoted followers and a stream of uncomfortably hate-fuelled jokes about why lions lick their bottoms after eating black people. The whole world is in mourning over Bernard Manning’s death today, with the exception of black people, Asians, the Jewish, women, gay people, East Asians and anyone else who found themselves on the receiving end of one of Bernard Manning’s socially unacceptable diatribes. So just Jim Davidson, then.

Today the world is a poorer place. Well OK, maybe not poorer, but certainly less full of alarmingly offensive racist, sexist and homophobic old-fashioned comedians - comedian Bernard Manning died yesterday, age 76. It's been reported that Bernard Manning died in a Manchester hospital yesterday after suffering kidney failure. A modest man who never stopped selling out shows even after TV banned him, Bernard Manning is thought to have left behind a fortune worth £10 million, an army of devoted followers and a stream of uncomfortably hate-fuelled jokes about why lions lick their bottoms after eating black people. The whole world is in mourning over Bernard Manning's death today, with the exception of black people, Asians, the Jewish, women, gay people, East Asians and anyone else who found themselves on the receiving end of one of Bernard Manning's socially unacceptable diatribes. So just Jim Davidson, then.
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Britney Spears Annoyed With Images Of Own Bald Head

by C J Davies

We all find it hard to look in the mirror sometimes.

You know – during those moments of self-loathing where you’ve said something really stupid to someone, or made a really embarrassing mistake in front of your work colleagues, or killed your third hooker of the day and forgot to burn off her fingerprints before you buried her.

Imagine, then, if someone took a picture of you in a less-than-dignified moment and used it for a witty advertising campaign. That’d be pretty bloody annoying, right? And you know what would make it even more annoying – if you were the vagina-flashing hitmaker behind Oops I Did It Again, that’s what.

A Florida radio station has been in a spot of bother with young Britney Spears and her lawyers, mainly due to the fact that they used a big picture of her during her recent snarly shaved-head phase for comical effect on a bunch of billboards. Which actually quite worries hecklerspray: if the lawyers are cracking down on people who find Britney’s insanity hilarious, then we’re pretty much up shit creek without a paddle. Or canoe. Or water wings.

We all find it hard to look in the mirror sometimes. You know - during those moments of self-loathing where you've said something really stupid to someone, or made a really embarrassing mistake in front of your work colleagues, or killed your third hooker of the day and forgot to burn off her fingerprints before you buried her. Imagine, then, if someone took a picture of you in a less-than-dignified moment and used it for a witty advertising campaign. That'd be pretty bloody annoying, right? And you know what would make it even more annoying - if you were the vagina-flashing hitmaker behind Oops I Did It Again, that's what. A Florida radio station has been in a spot of bother with young Britney Spears and her lawyers, mainly due to the fact that they used a big picture of her during her recent snarly shaved-head phase for comical effect on a bunch of billboards. Which actually quite worries hecklerspray: if the lawyers are cracking down on people who find Britney's insanity hilarious, then we're pretty much up shit creek without a paddle. Or canoe. Or water wings.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Swimming For Food, Jonathan To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

If Big Brother is a game of Snakes And Ladders – and it isn’t, but shut up anyway – then right now we’re in the middle of one of those massive snakes that swallows alligators whole and then explodes its guts all over a redneck farmer.

We blame the new Big Brother housemate influx. After less than three weeks, we were still having trouble working out who most of the original Big Brother housemates were, and then four more crushing nonentities go and get shoved in, making it even harder for us to give a shit about any of them. Anyway, the new Big Brother task is for everyone to swim up and down for ages. Swimming. Woo. Anyway, the latest round of Big Brother nominations took place yesterday, so at least we’ll be rid of another one of these ridiculous twattyflaps by the end of the week. At the moment, that’s all we’ve got to cling on to.

But who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Billi, Laura, Amanda, Sam, Jonathan and Ziggy, with help from Paddy Power…

If Big Brother is a game of Snakes And Ladders - and it isn't, but shut up anyway - then right now we're in the middle of one of those massive snakes that swallows alligators whole and then explodes its guts all over a redneck farmer. We blame the new Big Brother housemate influx. After less than three weeks, we were still having trouble working out who most of the original Big Brother housemates were, and then four more crushing nonentities go and get shoved in, making it even harder for us to give a shit about any of them. Anyway, the new Big Brother task is for everyone to swim up and down for ages. Swimming. Woo. Anyway, the latest round of Big Brother nominations took place yesterday, so at least we'll be rid of another one of these ridiculous twattyflaps by the end of the week. At the moment, that's all we've got to cling on to. But who's going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Billi, Laura, Amanda, Sam, Jonathan and Ziggy, with help from Paddy Power...
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