From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Big Brother Betting Odds: Liam Wins £100k, Carole Out?

by Stuart Heritage

Tomorrow night either Carole, Jonathan or Seany will be evicted from the Big Brother house and – judging by the way this series of Big Brother is going – about 150 brand new housemates will crowbarred in until there’s no oxygen left and they all die.

Not that we’d complain if that would actually happen, of course – we’re willing to witness the live televised suffocation of 164 human beings if it gave us even one second of not having to listen to Charley spout off any more angrily self-deluded machine-gun claptrap about how many times she’s been in the newspaper. Anyway, back to the Big Brother eviction. Who goes? You decide. Or, if you’re clever, you decide not to invest any emotional connection with any of the shrieking bell-ends in the Big Brother house and decide to place a Big Brother bet on who you think everyone else will decide to go. There’s more scope for making money, plus less people will hate you than if you admit to liking Big Brother to actually vote for people.

So here’s part one of our Big Brother betting odds for tomorrow’s eviction – for Carole and Jonathan – with help from Paddy Power…

Tomorrow night either Carole, Jonathan or Seany will be evicted from the Big Brother house and - judging by the way this series of Big Brother is going - about 150 brand new housemates will crowbarred in until there's no oxygen left and they all die. Not that we'd complain if that would actually happen, of course - we're willing to witness the live televised suffocation of 164 human beings if it gave us even one second of not having to listen to Charley spout off any more angrily self-deluded machine-gun claptrap about how many times she's been in the newspaper. Anyway, back to the Big Brother eviction. Who goes? You decide. Or, if you're clever, you decide not to invest any emotional connection with any of the shrieking bell-ends in the Big Brother house and decide to place a Big Brother bet on who you think everyone else will decide to go. There's more scope for making money, plus less people will hate you than if you admit to liking Big Brother to actually vote for people. So here's part one of our Big Brother betting odds for tomorrow's eviction - for Carole and Jonathan - with help from Paddy Power...
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Nicole Richie’s Numpty-Headed Driving Trial Delayed Again

by Stuart Heritage

Like some sort of freakishly celebrity-fixated Batman, we won’t rest until every twentysomething female American who can’t drive a car properly has been securely locked up, which makes Nicole Richie’s predicament all the more infuriating.

Nicole Richie, you see, has had the date of her court appearance following last year’s drug-fuelled ‘driving into oncoming motorway traffic’ escapade delayed yet again. There hasn’t been an exact reason given as to why the court date was pushed back, although logic dictates that it’s either for Nicole Richie to work harder on crafting a watertight defence or because she’s so skinny that the judge needs time to locate a prison with bars so close together that Nicole Richie can’t just saunter out between them when nobody’s looking like some kind of malnourished James Garner.

Like some sort of freakishly celebrity-fixated Batman, we won't rest until every twentysomething female American who can't drive a car properly has been securely locked up, which makes Nicole Richie's predicament all the more infuriating. Nicole Richie, you see, has had the date of her court appearance following last year's drug-fuelled 'driving into oncoming motorway traffic' escapade delayed yet again. There hasn't been an exact reason given as to why the court date was pushed back, although logic dictates that it's either for Nicole Richie to work harder on crafting a watertight defence or because she's so skinny that the judge needs time to locate a prison with bars so close together that Nicole Richie can't just saunter out between them when nobody's looking like some kind of malnourished James Garner.
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New James Bond Director To Make 007 A Bit Monster’s Ball

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to Casino Royale, James Bond has never been so popular – even though the movie would have been way cooler if the Parkour guy from the beginning got to be James Bond instead of miserable old Daniel Craig.

But now the time has come to expand on the success of Casino Royale with the next James Bond film. Nobody knows what Bond 22 will be called, or who’ll be in it apart from Daniel Craig, but at least now we do know that Marc Forster has been signed on to direct the movie based on a script co-written by Paul Haggis. So that’s a James Bond movie directed by the man who made Monster’s Ball and written by the man who wrote Million Dollar Baby. Call it a hunch but we can’t see this new James Bond movie exactly being a warmhearted chucklefest, can you?

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Phil Spector Murder Trial: The Inevitable Gory Dead Woman Photos

by Stuart Heritage

The terrible thing about murder trials is that there’s always someone trying to bring the mood down, like the forensic analyst who insisted on showing everyone at the Phil Spector murder trial all sorts of gory photos of Lana Clarkson’s dead body.

Yesterday Lynne Herold, the chief analyst of the forensic evidence against Phil Spector, took to the stand in the ongoing Phil Spector murder trial to provide the courtroom with the most graphic reminder of what happened to Lana Clarkson yet – a number of close-up photographs of her dead body and injuries sustained by the gunshot wound that killed her. It’s horrifying images like this that a) act as a sharp wake-up call to the severity of the charges against Phil Spector and b) make us wish that Lana Clarkson was wearing one of Phil Spector’s hilarious lesbian wigs when she died so at least we could make a sodding joke about it.

The terrible thing about murder trials is that there's always someone trying to bring the mood down, like the forensic analyst who insisted on showing everyone at the Phil Spector murder trial all sorts of gory photos of Lana Clarkson's dead body. Yesterday Lynne Herold, the chief analyst of the forensic evidence against Phil Spector, took to the stand in the ongoing Phil Spector murder trial to provide the courtroom with the most graphic reminder of what happened to Lana Clarkson yet - a number of close-up photographs of her dead body and injuries sustained by the gunshot wound that killed her. It's horrifying images like this that a) act as a sharp wake-up call to the severity of the charges against Phil Spector and b) make us wish that Lana Clarkson was wearing one of Phil Spector's hilarious lesbian wigs when she died so at least we could make a sodding joke about it.
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Poison Lead Singer Looks For Love VH1-Style

by hecklerspray staff

If there is anything we’ve learnt from reality television, it’s that over-indulged, narcissistic, burnt out celebrities from decades ago can find true love at least for the duration of one season of crap television.

We’ve seen such miracles on the first season of VH1′s Flavor of Love, where Flavor Flav enchanted classy broads with his over-sized clock necklace and gold-capped teeth like a drunken cupid. We know that Flav and his new lady, Deelishis, will live happily ever after as long as the booze keeps flowing and the cameras keep rolling.

We can’t wait to see the next instalment of Flavor of Love in which Poison frontman Bret Michaels seeks similarly icky happiness in VH1′s Rock of Love. Shhh… If you listen closely you can hear soccer moms everywhere rejoice as they fantasise like they did 20 years ago about Bret Michaels pouring some sugar on them in the name of love. And the ladies won’t be disappointed because the former 80s bit of man-hunk that they swooned over with their side ponytails and legwarmers is looking just as rad as he did back before he had to sell out for money.

If there is anything we've learnt from reality television, it's that over-indulged, narcissistic, burnt out celebrities from decades ago can find true love at least for the duration of one season of crap television. We've seen such miracles on the first season of VH1's Flavor of Love, where Flavor Flav enchanted classy broads with his over-sized clock necklace and gold-capped teeth like a drunken cupid. We know that Flav and his new lady, Deelishis, will live happily ever after as long as the booze keeps flowing and the cameras keep rolling. We can't wait to see the next instalment of Flavor of Love in which Poison frontman Bret Michaels seeks similarly icky happiness in VH1's Rock of Love. Shhh... If you listen closely you can hear soccer moms everywhere rejoice as they fantasise like they did 20 years ago about Bret Michaels pouring some sugar on them in the name of love. And the ladies won't be disappointed because the former 80s bit of man-hunk that they swooned over with their side ponytails and legwarmers is looking just as rad as he did back before he had to sell out for money.
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Rosie O’Donnell Wants The Price Is Right So Bad Right Now

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a few days since outgoing The Price Is Right Host Bob Barker tipped furious lesbian Rosie O’Donnell to take over his job, and yet the nod still makes about as much sense as letting an angry T-Rex present an episode of Runaround.

But that doesn’t matter because not only does Bob Barker want Rosie O’Donnell to host The Price Is Right, but Rosie O’Donnell wants Rosie O’Donnell to host The Price Is Right too. It’s difficult to really pinpoint how much Rosie O’Donnell wants to present The Price Is Right, but it must be a lot, because Rosie recently wrote ‘I LOVE THE PRICE IS RIGHT’ on her blog while admitting that she was meeting CBS executives about it this week. Taken in the context of the rest of her blog it’s a big statement, because Rosie O’Donnell tends to use capital letters so rarely that we assumed she was boycotting all upper-case text for supporting the war in Iraq.

It's been a few days since outgoing The Price Is Right Host Bob Barker tipped furious lesbian Rosie O'Donnell to take over his job, and yet the nod still makes about as much sense as letting an angry T-Rex present an episode of Runaround. But that doesn't matter because not only does Bob Barker want Rosie O'Donnell to host The Price Is Right, but Rosie O'Donnell wants Rosie O'Donnell to host The Price Is Right too. It's difficult to really pinpoint how much Rosie O'Donnell wants to present The Price Is Right, but it must be a lot, because Rosie recently wrote 'I LOVE THE PRICE IS RIGHT' on her blog while admitting that she was meeting CBS executives about it this week. Taken in the context of the rest of her blog it's a big statement, because Rosie O'Donnell tends to use capital letters so rarely that we assumed she was boycotting all upper-case text for supporting the war in Iraq.
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Hillary Clinton: Vote For Me! I Like The Sopranos Too!

by Stuart Heritage

In these super high-speed internet days of ours it doesn’t take long for something to become iconic – and even less time for someone like Hillary Clinton to joylessly jump on the bandwagon, kick the fun out of it and then expect votes in return.

What are we talking about? The newly iconic final scene of The Sopranos, that’s what. The Sopranos finale had it all – tension, mystique, cheese-rock power ballads, bad driving – and, most of all, it was pretty much perfect for Hillary Clinton to spoof on her website as a way to announce the winner of her recent campaign song competition. Anyone visiting the official Hillary Clinton website can now be treated to the sight of Bill and Hillary Clinton doing a slightly confused run-through of the last ever Sopranos scene, complete with obligatory blackout ending. And the Sopranos video has been a success, too – so much so that hardly anyone has realised that the winner of the song competition was effing Celine Dion yet.

In these super high-speed internet days of ours it doesn't take long for something to become iconic - and even less time for someone like Hillary Clinton to joylessly jump on the bandwagon, kick the fun out of it and then expect votes in return. What are we talking about? The newly iconic final scene of The Sopranos, that's what. The Sopranos finale had it all - tension, mystique, cheese-rock power ballads, bad driving - and, most of all, it was pretty much perfect for Hillary Clinton to spoof on her website as a way to announce the winner of her recent campaign song competition. Anyone visiting the official Hillary Clinton website can now be treated to the sight of Bill and Hillary Clinton doing a slightly confused run-through of the last ever Sopranos scene, complete with obligatory blackout ending. And the Sopranos video has been a success, too - so much so that hardly anyone has realised that the winner of the song competition was effing Celine Dion yet.
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SLACKERJACK – Trolley Racer

by Stuart Heritage

Aah, trolley racing. Who can say they’ve really lived if they haven’t decided to leap into a shopping trolley and hurtle down a hill at full speed before realising they can’t stop, trying to jump out, hooking their toe on the trolley and breaking 36 of their bones all at once? Who, we say.

Trolley Racer is basically that game, only without the agony, social embarrassment or expensive reconstructive dentistry bill. In essence, Trolley Racer is just a racing game. You speed around a track full of checkpoints in a trolley trying to beat your best time. Just by this alone we’d recommend Trolley Racer – it’s fast, fluid and simple to play. But, what with this being the 21st century and all, there’s also a social networking element – you can challenge almost everyone you know to a bash at Trolley Racer. And that feature will ensure that you’ll be playing Trolley Racer for some time to come.

Play Trolley Racer now

Aah, trolley racing. Who can say they've really lived if they haven't decided to leap into a shopping trolley and hurtle down a hill at full speed before realising they can't stop, trying to jump out, hooking their toe on the trolley and breaking 36 of their bones all at once? Who, we say. Trolley Racer is basically that game, only without the agony, social embarrassment or expensive reconstructive dentistry bill. In essence, Trolley Racer is just a racing game. You speed around a track full of checkpoints in a trolley trying to beat your best time. Just by this alone we'd recommend Trolley Racer - it's fast, fluid and simple to play. But, what with this being the 21st century and all, there's also a social networking element - you can challenge almost everyone you know to a bash at Trolley Racer. And that feature will ensure that you'll be playing Trolley Racer for some time to come. Play Trolley Racer now
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Everybody Freaks Out About EastEnders Baby Torture

by Stuart Heritage

Now there’s honestly nothing we like more than to sit down with our tea and watching 30 minutes of mentally ill women handcuffing screaming pregnant girls to beds and disturbingly attempting to hack their guts open to remove a baby.

Seems we’re probably the only ones, though; an episode of EastEnders this week featured exactly that – Dr May drugged pregnant Dawn and tried to perform a ramshackle caesarean on her until Dawn stabbed her and left her screaming “I want my baby!” in a way so harrowing that it seemed to be almost scientifically constructed to make children unable to sleep ever again. And, surprisingly enough, the EastEnders pre-watershed scenes of horrific mental and physical torture gained a few complaints. Well, OK, more than a few – about 200 so far. Despite this, the episode still wasn’t thought to be as disturbing as the EastEnders scene where Frank Butcher walks around naked in a spinny bow-tie.

Now there's honestly nothing we like more than to sit down with our tea and watching 30 minutes of mentally ill women handcuffing screaming pregnant girls to beds and disturbingly attempting to hack their guts open to remove a baby. Seems we're probably the only ones, though; an episode of EastEnders this week featured exactly that - Dr May drugged pregnant Dawn and tried to perform a ramshackle caesarean on her until Dawn stabbed her and left her screaming "I want my baby!" in a way so harrowing that it seemed to be almost scientifically constructed to make children unable to sleep ever again. And, surprisingly enough, the EastEnders pre-watershed scenes of horrific mental and physical torture gained a few complaints. Well, OK, more than a few - about 200 so far. Despite this, the episode still wasn't thought to be as disturbing as the EastEnders scene where Frank Butcher walks around naked in a spinny bow-tie.
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John Travolta Knows Why All School Shootings Happen

by C J Davies

God knows where we’d be without celebrity advice.

Whether it’s Johnny Borrell’s marvellously intellectual discourse on how to save the environment by buying his records, or Geri Halliwell’s self-help video series Five Easy Yoga Steps To Obtaining A Perfect Body, Buying A Little Dog And Carrying It Around In A Bag As Some Latent Effort To Pretend It’s A Baby, Then Weeping Into Your Blonde-Dye Stained Pillow About Your Futile, Futile Excuse For A Career, they all know damn well how to lend a helping hand.

Yep – those ‘slebs sure are useful. And now one more of the blighters is joining the fray. Step forward podgy Scientologist John Travolta, who evidently stopped repeating the mantra “I didn’t know how bad Broken Arrow was going to be, it wasn’t my fault” under his breath long enough to share his thoughts on school shootings.

More…

God knows where we'd be without celebrity advice. Whether it's Johnny Borrell's marvellously intellectual discourse on how to save the environment by buying his records, or Geri Halliwell's self-help video series Five Easy Yoga Steps To Obtaining A Perfect Body, Buying A Little Dog And Carrying It Around In A Bag As Some Latent Effort To Pretend It's A Baby, Then Weeping Into Your Blonde-Dye Stained Pillow About Your Futile, Futile Excuse For A Career, they all know damn well how to lend a helping hand. Yep - those 'slebs sure are useful. And now one more of the blighters is joining the fray. Step forward podgy Scientologist John Travolta, who evidently stopped repeating the mantra "I didn't know how bad Broken Arrow was going to be, it wasn't my fault" under his breath long enough to share his thoughts on school shootings. More...
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