From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Watch The Drive By Argument Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy Video

by Stuart Heritage

How many Scottish bands do you know who sound like The Killers? We’ve spent literally eight or nine seconds thinking about it, and we’re stumped. So it’s just as well that Drive By Argument are around to at least give us one example.

We don’t know a lot about Drive By Argument, other than they’re Scottish and sound like The Killers. Oh, and they’ve got a new single out on Monday called Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy, although we’d argue that sex lines aren’t actually comedy and that people only say that they’re funny because they’re secretly curious about what wanking off to a stranger’s voice on the internet is like, and the comedy bit is just a handy excuse for when they’re inevitably caught. Anyway, Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy by Drive By Argument is good, in that it sounds like The Killers before they decided to go all dustbowl Springsteen on our arses. But make up your own minds.

How many Scottish bands do you know who sound like The Killers? We've spent literally eight or nine seconds thinking about it, and we're stumped. So it's just as well that Drive By Argument are around to at least give us one example. We don't know a lot about Drive By Argument, other than they're Scottish and sound like The Killers. Oh, and they've got a new single out on Monday called Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy, although we'd argue that sex lines aren't actually comedy and that people only say that they're funny because they're secretly curious about what wanking off to a stranger's voice on the internet is like, and the comedy bit is just a handy excuse for when they're inevitably caught. Anyway, Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy by Drive By Argument is good, in that it sounds like The Killers before they decided to go all dustbowl Springsteen on our arses. But make up your own minds.
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Heather Mills Gets Trapped Like An Animal In Court Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

It must be difficult getting as much attention as Heather Mills does, especially when you – like her – go out of your way to shun the limelight by only marrying one legendary musician and only appearing on one huge-rated American TV show.

But Heather Mills is subjected to the unwanted intrusions of the press every single day, no matter what she’s doing. Even the sight of Heather Mills wheeling her bike into a subway tunnel is enough for the paparazzi to start foaming in the mouth with anticipation that her leg’ll fall off or she’ll abruptly start rubbing dairy products over her naked boobs again. And Heather Mills is totally cool with this – unless a photographer tries to touch her, in which case she’ll have them arrested for assault so she can howl in court that the experience made her feel like a “trapped animal.” To some extent, that’s what happened yesterday.

It must be difficult getting as much attention as Heather Mills does, especially when you - like her - go out of your way to shun the limelight by only marrying one legendary musician and only appearing on one huge-rated American TV show. But Heather Mills is subjected to the unwanted intrusions of the press every single day, no matter what she's doing. Even the sight of Heather Mills wheeling her bike into a subway tunnel is enough for the paparazzi to start foaming in the mouth with anticipation that her leg'll fall off or she'll abruptly start rubbing dairy products over her naked boobs again. And Heather Mills is totally cool with this - unless a photographer tries to touch her, in which case she'll have them arrested for assault so she can howl in court that the experience made her feel like a "trapped animal." To some extent, that's what happened yesterday.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Ziggy Dumps Chanelle, Seany A Goner?

by Stuart Heritage

Tomorrow night either Carole, Jonathan or Seany will be evicted from the Big Brother house and – judging by the way this series of Big Brother is going – about 150 brand new housemates will crowbarred in until there’s no oxygen left and they all die.

Not that we’d complain if that would actually happen, of course – we’re willing to witness the live televised suffocation of 164 human beings if it gave us even one second of not having to listen to Charley spout off any more angrily self-deluded machine-gun claptrap about how many times she’s been in the newspaper. Anyway, back to the Big Brother eviction. Who goes? You decide. Or, if you’re clever, you decide not to invest any emotional connection with any of the shrieking bell-ends in the Big Brother house and decide to place a Big Brother bet on who you think everyone else will decide to go. There’s more scope for making money, plus less people will hate you than if you admit to liking Big Brother to actually vote for people.

So here’s the final part of our Big Brother betting odds for tonight’s eviction – for Seany – with help from Paddy Power…

Tomorrow night either Carole, Jonathan or Seany will be evicted from the Big Brother house and - judging by the way this series of Big Brother is going - about 150 brand new housemates will crowbarred in until there's no oxygen left and they all die. Not that we'd complain if that would actually happen, of course - we're willing to witness the live televised suffocation of 164 human beings if it gave us even one second of not having to listen to Charley spout off any more angrily self-deluded machine-gun claptrap about how many times she's been in the newspaper. Anyway, back to the Big Brother eviction. Who goes? You decide. Or, if you're clever, you decide not to invest any emotional connection with any of the shrieking bell-ends in the Big Brother house and decide to place a Big Brother bet on who you think everyone else will decide to go. There's more scope for making money, plus less people will hate you than if you admit to liking Big Brother to actually vote for people. So here's the final part of our Big Brother betting odds for tonight's eviction - for Seany - with help from Paddy Power...
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Rosie O’Donnell’s Price Is Right Bid Goes Tits Up

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone hoping to see a militant rampaging lesbian angrily hosting a gameshow that celebrates grotesque materialism, prepare yourself for a huge disappointment – Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t think she’ll get to host The Price Is Right any more.

After a few days of intense speculation about Rosie O’Donnell officially replacing Bob Barker as the next host of The Price Is Right, Rosie O’Donnell looks like she’s starting to concede defeat. Not only does Rosie not want to move to Hollywood to record the show, but she’s hinted that CBS bigwigs aren’t that keen on hiring her – and even dotty old Bob Barker has withdrawn his support for Rosie O’Donnell. It’s thought that CBS is now looking for a less polarising personality to host The Price Is Right, and will approach Dr Harold Shipman just as soon as its worked out who his agents are.

Anyone hoping to see a militant rampaging lesbian angrily hosting a gameshow that celebrates grotesque materialism, prepare yourself for a huge disappointment - Rosie O'Donnell doesn't think she'll get to host The Price Is Right any more. After a few days of intense speculation about Rosie O'Donnell officially replacing Bob Barker as the next host of The Price Is Right, Rosie O'Donnell looks like she's starting to concede defeat. Not only does Rosie not want to move to Hollywood to record the show, but she's hinted that CBS bigwigs aren't that keen on hiring her - and even dotty old Bob Barker has withdrawn his support for Rosie O'Donnell. It's thought that CBS is now looking for a less polarising personality to host The Price Is Right, and will approach Dr Harold Shipman just as soon as its worked out who his agents are.
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OJ Simpson’s Silly Murder Book: Now TMZ Gets In Trouble

by Stuart Heritage

What sort of a world do we live in where a man can’t even make a tidy profit from a poorly-conceived hypothetical confession book about his son’s brutal murder written by the exact same man who he’s long accused of being his son’s murderer?

All Fred Goldman wants to do is take control of If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened by OJ Simpson – the book where OJ Simpson describes the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman even though he was found innocent of murder – rewrite bits of it, change its name to Confessions Of A Double Murderer and make stacks and stacks of ethically dubious money from it. But gossip site TMZ.com ruined all that by briefly posting a manuscript of OJ Simpson’s book online on Tuesday, and now Fred Goldman’s on the warpath – not only does he want a court to hold TMZ in contempt for posting the manuscript, but also he’s thinking about changing the book title yet again, this time to TMZ.com Is A Bag Of Fannies.

What sort of a world do we live in where a man can't even make a tidy profit from a poorly-conceived hypothetical confession book about his son's brutal murder written by the exact same man who he's long accused of being his son's murderer? All Fred Goldman wants to do is take control of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson - the book where OJ Simpson describes the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman even though he was found innocent of murder - rewrite bits of it, change its name to Confessions Of A Double Murderer and make stacks and stacks of ethically dubious money from it. But gossip site TMZ.com ruined all that by briefly posting a manuscript of OJ Simpson's book online on Tuesday, and now Fred Goldman's on the warpath - not only does he want a court to hold TMZ in contempt for posting the manuscript, but also he's thinking about changing the book title yet again, this time to TMZ.com Is A Bag Of Fannies.
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Anna Nicole Smith’s Freaky Judge Boo-Hoo Gets A TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

When people look back at the death of Anna Nicole Smith, they won’t remember the tragic circumstances of the death or Anna Nicole’s contribution to the human race – they’ll remember weeping judge Larry Seidlin, and think “tosser.”

Judge Larry Seidlin – who gained worldwide notoriety by bursting into tears like a great big girl when he was supposed to be telling the globe where Anna Nicole Smith was due to be buried – has sensationally quit his job as a Florida judge in order to pursue a TV career, with his first job being a pilot for a court-based TV show for CBS. Details of Larry Seidlin’s TV show are a little fuzzy at the moment – for instance, we don’t know if the cases he presides over will exclusively be about the corpses of dead pornstars, and we also understand that CBS executives haven’t been able to decide between the series titles The Judge Larry Seidlin Show and The Zany Adventures Of Larry The Weeping Unprofessional Clown-Judge yet.

When people look back at the death of Anna Nicole Smith, they won't remember the tragic circumstances of the death or Anna Nicole's contribution to the human race - they'll remember weeping judge Larry Seidlin, and think "tosser." Judge Larry Seidlin - who gained worldwide notoriety by bursting into tears like a great big girl when he was supposed to be telling the globe where Anna Nicole Smith was due to be buried - has sensationally quit his job as a Florida judge in order to pursue a TV career, with his first job being a pilot for a court-based TV show for CBS. Details of Larry Seidlin's TV show are a little fuzzy at the moment - for instance, we don't know if the cases he presides over will exclusively be about the corpses of dead pornstars, and we also understand that CBS executives haven't been able to decide between the series titles The Judge Larry Seidlin Show and The Zany Adventures Of Larry The Weeping Unprofessional Clown-Judge yet.
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Gordon Ramsay Gets Sued. Done.

by Stuart Heritage

Gordon Ramsay is a man with three distinct television personalities – there’s the angry Hell’s Kitchen Gordon Ramsay, the angry yet helpful Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay and the angry yet rubbish and confusing F-Word Gordon Ramsay.

Of these, it’s not difficult to see that the least unbearable version of Gordon Ramsay is the Kitchen Nightmares persona. It’s where, instead of shouting at estate agents for not being able to cook and then drinking a load of pig blood and then killing a sheep, Gordon Ramsay shouts at chefs who can’t cook in an effort to save their failing businesses. However, Kitchen Nightmares is the show that gives Gordon Ramsay the most headaches – not least because chefs like Martin R Hyde of New York keep suing him for apparently faking scenes and hiring in actors to pose as customers. When questioned about the lawsuit, Gordon Ramsay barked “Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes?” like a stuck record for 12 hours straight until his brain exploded. Or maybe we dreamt that bit.

Gordon Ramsay is a man with three distinct television personalities - there's the angry Hell's Kitchen Gordon Ramsay, the angry yet helpful Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay and the angry yet rubbish and confusing F-Word Gordon Ramsay. Of these, it's not difficult to see that the least unbearable version of Gordon Ramsay is the Kitchen Nightmares persona. It's where, instead of shouting at estate agents for not being able to cook and then drinking a load of pig blood and then killing a sheep, Gordon Ramsay shouts at chefs who can't cook in an effort to save their failing businesses. However, Kitchen Nightmares is the show that gives Gordon Ramsay the most headaches - not least because chefs like Martin R Hyde of New York keep suing him for apparently faking scenes and hiring in actors to pose as customers. When questioned about the lawsuit, Gordon Ramsay barked "Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes?" like a stuck record for 12 hours straight until his brain exploded. Or maybe we dreamt that bit.
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AFI: Citizen Kane Apparently Quite A Good Movie

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows that the first thing you’re taught at film school is how to endlessly blather on about what a masterpiece of cinema Citizen Kane is, even though you either haven’t seen Citizen Kane or have seen it but generally prefer Face/Off.

That’s because – even though it’s a bit too long, somewhat dull and full of annoyingly shallow metaphors that don’t really stand up to much scrutiny – the AFI has decided once again that Citizen Kane is the best film ever made. Film experts, historians and critics all recently put their minds together to come up with a list of the 100 greatest American films for the AFI 100 Years, 100 Movies, 10th Anniversary Edition TV show, and – possibly in an attempt to look clever and deep in front of girls – they picked Citizen Kane for the top spot. Which is fair enough, but where’s Universal Soldier: The Return in the list? Nowhere, that’s where. Wankers.

Everyone knows that the first thing you're taught at film school is how to endlessly blather on about what a masterpiece of cinema Citizen Kane is, even though you either haven't seen Citizen Kane or have seen it but generally prefer Face/Off. That's because - even though it's a bit too long, somewhat dull and full of annoyingly shallow metaphors that don't really stand up to much scrutiny - the AFI has decided once again that Citizen Kane is the best film ever made. Film experts, historians and critics all recently put their minds together to come up with a list of the 100 greatest American films for the AFI 100 Years, 100 Movies, 10th Anniversary Edition TV show, and - possibly in an attempt to look clever and deep in front of girls - they picked Citizen Kane for the top spot. Which is fair enough, but where's Universal Soldier: The Return in the list? Nowhere, that's where. Wankers.
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SLACKERJACK – Blobular

by Stuart Heritage

LocoRoco is one of the best games designed for the PSP so far. It’s simple, the controls are instinctive and it’s cuter than a picture of a kitten sitting in a shoe. So here’s Blobular – a wonderful LocoRoco rip-off.

If you’ve played LocoRoco you’ll know what you’re in for with Blobular. You play a squishy blob who has to roll around absorbing items to get bigger and bigger within a certain timeframe. Like LocoRoco, you control Blobular by tipping the entire environment from side to side and, like LocoRoco, you can split Blobular into a gang of smaller Blobulars to squeeze through gaps. Unlike LocoRoco, though, Blobular doesn’t cost £30 and you won’t look like a childish geek playing it on the train. Unless you end up playing Blobular on the train. You geek.

Play Blobular now

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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Hacked: So THAT’s Who Dies…

by Stuart Heritage

Warning: this article might contains spoilers about the end of the final Harry Potter book, or possibly a lot of made-up crap – don’t read it if you think it’ll ruin the story; but if your life doesn’t revolve around an effing kid’s book, go right ahead.

With the release of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows just one month away, speculation has never been higher amongst children and slightly creepy adults about how the book ends. Does Harry Potter die? Does Voldemort kill Harry Potter? Does Harry Potter start taking his clothes off and stabbing horses in the eyes again? Well maybe now we know – a hacker claims to have stolen an entire transcript of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows from publishers Bloomsbury out of outrage at all the paganism that Harry Potter dabbles in. And how does Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows end? Let’s just say that Hermione probably shouldn’t bother making any long-term plans.

Warning: this article might contains spoilers about the end of the final Harry Potter book, or possibly a lot of made-up crap - don't read it if you think it'll ruin the story; but if your life doesn't revolve around an effing kid's book, go right ahead. With the release of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows just one month away, speculation has never been higher amongst children and slightly creepy adults about how the book ends. Does Harry Potter die? Does Voldemort kill Harry Potter? Does Harry Potter start taking his clothes off and stabbing horses in the eyes again? Well maybe now we know - a hacker claims to have stolen an entire transcript of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows from publishers Bloomsbury out of outrage at all the paganism that Harry Potter dabbles in. And how does Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows end? Let's just say that Hermione probably shouldn't bother making any long-term plans.
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