Make the most of these next few hours - Paris Hilton is released from jail tomorrow, which means you haven't got long until you only see a skinny, vague, wonky-eyed internet porn star yakking about how hard her life is everywhere you look.

And the first place you'll see Paris Hilton crying and explaining how tough it is to stay in on her own in a two-person cell in a prison designed especially for famous people is on Larry King Live. Paris Hilton has agreed to let Larry King interview her for free on Wednesday. Larry King, knowing that he needs to make the Paris Hilton interview as sensational as possible, has decided to arrange the interview into segments - the interview will open with the 'Paris Hilton: I'm really, like, sorry and shit' segment before delving into the nitty gritty with segments entitled 'Paris Hilton: prison's like a small room where you have to sleep and stuff', 'Paris Hilton: the mean girls called me bad names' and 'Paris Hilton: I see there's a camera running. Would you like me to suck you off? It's sort of what I do.'

Katie Hopkins will continue to have sex with a man until she has killed him. That's the rumour anyway.

The thing with The Apprentice quitter Katie Hopkins is that you keep expecting the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars to play every time she walks into a room. We can only imagine she has a similarly diabolical set-up to Darth’s at home; a purpose built meditation chamber enabling her to chat to the Devil about shoulder pads and highlights while planning the downfall of all womankind from being taken seriously in the workplace. We can also imagine a pitchfork-shaped bed in this chamber where she shags loads of blokes on their honeymoon. Unsurprisingly, dirty Katie is at it again, only this time she’s having an affair with the same guy thrice. That’s got to be more than just an apprenticeship for anyone.

It was probably the greatest romance the universe has ever known - Prince William and Kate Middleton were the most perfect couple in the history of overprivileged rah-rah poshos that nobody can really bring themselves to care about.

We thought the story of Prince William and Kate Middleton ended in April when William unceremoniously dumped Kate because of the way her Mum said 'lavatory' instead of 'toilet' when she was discussing doing a poo with the Queen or something - but now it might just be on again. Reports are suggesting that Prince William and Kate Middleton have been secretly dating for a month and couldn't stop kissing each other during a godawful-sounding Moulin Rouge-themed party at William's barracks. Aww, it's just like a version of Hollyoaks, albeit a version of Hollyoaks about obnoxious inbred aristocrats who get to rule a country in absurdly undemocratic terms just because of who their granny is.

“My dad’s bigger than your dad”. “You don’t wanna say shit to me, coz my brother is all like seven foot tall and well knows big Dave whose like the biggest, baddest, hardest person in the whole wide ghetto of London.” This are just a sample from the forthcoming book entitled Pointless Girly Tongue-Lashings Volume 1 – Lily Allen Vs Cheryl Cole.

For a few months now, the uncredible world of rubbish manufactured pop music has tried to make itself look all hip and cool by sparking itself a rivalry between two bints rarely out of the music press. Sadly, their arguments aren’t as spectacular as the whole American rap world’s. There, they have people shoot each other and all sorts! Here, pop stars just mouth off at each other. And to make it even more unexciting, not even when they're in the same room. Forever. 

On Friday night Seany was second to be evicted from the Big Brother house, and we're not scared to admit that we're going to miss seeing his swollen, shiny, slightly burns victimesque face spouting Irish nonsense on Big Brother every night.

Sadly for us, the great British public didn't appreciate seeing a Mick Hucknall lookalike putting bits of damp tissue paper into an idiot's shoes and Seany was evicted from the Big Brother house over Jonathan and Carole, which means plenty more angry tantrums about people putting shoes on sofas and plenty more creepy perverts being creepy perverts, but a whole lot less puffy-faced men hanging records around their necks. But now that's Seany's gone, who's going to win Big Brother? You'd better be placing Big Brother bets, you know, or else we're going to be terribly upset.

Here's the first helping of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Charley, Jonathan, Carole and Laura - with help from Paddy Power...

It's fair to say that nobody could ever find a place in their heart for supremely irritating backwards gonk Pauly Shore, but Wes Craven has less reason than most - Wes says Pauly Shore buggered up his house by being a rubbish neighbour.

And now it's got legal - Wes Craven has filed a lawsuit against Pauly Shore claiming that Shore renovated his house so uselessly recently that water runoff from the building work ended up seriously damaging Craven's home. The damages that Wes Craven is seeking from Pauly Shore are unspecified for the time being, but we can assume that Wes Craven means business here; because this is a real lawsuit, not a silly clever-clever lawsuit that smartly deconstructs the conventions of other lawsuits. Plus this lawsuit hasn't got The Fonz in it, which we suppose is something.