From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Katie Hopkins Back With Field Sex Guy. You Care

by Chris Laverty

Katie Hopkins will continue to have sex with a man until she has killed him. That’s the rumour anyway.

The thing with The Apprentice quitter Katie Hopkins is that you keep expecting the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars to play every time she walks into a room. We can only imagine she has a similarly diabolical set-up to Darth’s at home; a purpose built meditation chamber enabling her to chat to the Devil about shoulder pads and highlights while planning the downfall of all womankind from being taken seriously in the workplace. We can also imagine a pitchfork-shaped bed in this chamber where she shags loads of blokes on their honeymoon. Unsurprisingly, dirty Katie is at it again, only this time she’s having an affair with the same guy thrice. That’s got to be more than just an apprenticeship for anyone.

Katie Hopkins will continue to have sex with a man until she has killed him. That's the rumour anyway. The thing with The Apprentice quitter Katie Hopkins is that you keep expecting the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars to play every time she walks into a room. We can only imagine she has a similarly diabolical set-up to Darth’s at home; a purpose built meditation chamber enabling her to chat to the Devil about shoulder pads and highlights while planning the downfall of all womankind from being taken seriously in the workplace. We can also imagine a pitchfork-shaped bed in this chamber where she shags loads of blokes on their honeymoon. Unsurprisingly, dirty Katie is at it again, only this time she’s having an affair with the same guy thrice. That’s got to be more than just an apprenticeship for anyone.
0 comments Read more >>>

Prince William & Kate Middleton Back Together, Sort Of

by Stuart Heritage

It was probably the greatest romance the universe has ever known – Prince William and Kate Middleton were the most perfect couple in the history of overprivileged rah-rah poshos that nobody can really bring themselves to care about.

We thought the story of Prince William and Kate Middleton ended in April when William unceremoniously dumped Kate because of the way her Mum said ‘lavatory’ instead of ‘toilet’ when she was discussing doing a poo with the Queen or something – but now it might just be on again. Reports are suggesting that Prince William and Kate Middleton have been secretly dating for a month and couldn’t stop kissing each other during a godawful-sounding Moulin Rouge-themed party at William’s barracks. Aww, it’s just like a version of Hollyoaks, albeit a version of Hollyoaks about obnoxious inbred aristocrats who get to rule a country in absurdly undemocratic terms just because of who their granny is.

It was probably the greatest romance the universe has ever known - Prince William and Kate Middleton were the most perfect couple in the history of overprivileged rah-rah poshos that nobody can really bring themselves to care about. We thought the story of Prince William and Kate Middleton ended in April when William unceremoniously dumped Kate because of the way her Mum said 'lavatory' instead of 'toilet' when she was discussing doing a poo with the Queen or something - but now it might just be on again. Reports are suggesting that Prince William and Kate Middleton have been secretly dating for a month and couldn't stop kissing each other during a godawful-sounding Moulin Rouge-themed party at William's barracks. Aww, it's just like a version of Hollyoaks, albeit a version of Hollyoaks about obnoxious inbred aristocrats who get to rule a country in absurdly undemocratic terms just because of who their granny is.
0 comments Read more >>>

Lily Allen Vs Cheryl Cole, Round 3589

by Matthew Laidlow

“My dad’s bigger than your dad”. “You don’t wanna say shit to me, coz my brother is all like seven foot tall and well knows big Dave whose like the biggest, baddest, hardest person in the whole wide ghetto of London.” This are just a sample from the forthcoming book entitled Pointless Girly Tongue-Lashings Volume 1 – Lily Allen Vs Cheryl Cole.

For a few months now, the uncredible world of rubbish manufactured pop music has tried to make itself look all hip and cool by sparking itself a rivalry between two bints rarely out of the music press. Sadly, their arguments aren’t as spectacular as the whole American rap world’s. There, they have people shoot each other and all sorts! Here, pop stars just mouth off at each other. And to make it even more unexciting, not even when they’re in the same room. Forever.

“My dad’s bigger than your dad”. “You don’t wanna say shit to me, coz my brother is all like seven foot tall and well knows big Dave whose like the biggest, baddest, hardest person in the whole wide ghetto of London.” This are just a sample from the forthcoming book entitled Pointless Girly Tongue-Lashings Volume 1 – Lily Allen Vs Cheryl Cole. For a few months now, the uncredible world of rubbish manufactured pop music has tried to make itself look all hip and cool by sparking itself a rivalry between two bints rarely out of the music press. Sadly, their arguments aren’t as spectacular as the whole American rap world’s. There, they have people shoot each other and all sorts! Here, pop stars just mouth off at each other. And to make it even more unexciting, not even when they're in the same room. Forever.
1 comment Read more >>>

Big Brother Betting Odds: Seany Gone, Charley To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

On Friday night Seany was second to be evicted from the Big Brother house, and we’re not scared to admit that we’re going to miss seeing his swollen, shiny, slightly burns victimesque face spouting Irish nonsense on Big Brother every night.

Sadly for us, the great British public didn’t appreciate seeing a Mick Hucknall lookalike putting bits of damp tissue paper into an idiot’s shoes and Seany was evicted from the Big Brother house over Jonathan and Carole, which means plenty more angry tantrums about people putting shoes on sofas and plenty more creepy perverts being creepy perverts, but a whole lot less puffy-faced men hanging records around their necks. But now that’s Seany’s gone, who’s going to win Big Brother? You’d better be placing Big Brother bets, you know, or else we’re going to be terribly upset.

Here’s the first helping of this week’s Big Brother betting odds to win – for Charley, Jonathan, Carole and Laura – with help from Paddy Power…

On Friday night Seany was second to be evicted from the Big Brother house, and we're not scared to admit that we're going to miss seeing his swollen, shiny, slightly burns victimesque face spouting Irish nonsense on Big Brother every night. Sadly for us, the great British public didn't appreciate seeing a Mick Hucknall lookalike putting bits of damp tissue paper into an idiot's shoes and Seany was evicted from the Big Brother house over Jonathan and Carole, which means plenty more angry tantrums about people putting shoes on sofas and plenty more creepy perverts being creepy perverts, but a whole lot less puffy-faced men hanging records around their necks. But now that's Seany's gone, who's going to win Big Brother? You'd better be placing Big Brother bets, you know, or else we're going to be terribly upset. Here's the first helping of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Charley, Jonathan, Carole and Laura - with help from Paddy Power...
0 comments Read more >>>

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The good, the bad, the Folded, the Creased.

Folded:

* Charlie Brooker’s chucklesome Big Brother rundown in the Guide every weekend (if Saturday’s Guardian supplements weren’t covered in cellophane you could just nick the Guide magazine and not bother buying the paper. Unfortunately they are so pay up and look big)

* The new gold coloured PSP for regular people (go, baby, you’re money! Etc, etc)

* Mary, Queen of Shops (the programme is so-so, like Kitchen Nightmares without the nudity, but the title is the wittiest wordplay on TV since the magnificent Badger or Bust)

* Lovefilm.com’s gratis DVD trial (hunt around on Google and you can get a whole month of unlimited DVD rentals for free. Just be sure to cancel your membership afterwards. Or not, that’s up to you)

* Being brazen (if your takeaway is late really kick up a fuss, no matter how low-rent and scummy the eatery. If you’re lucky they’ll offer your next order free of charge. A public service, that’s what we are)

Creased:

* Facebook applications (give crappy icons to your friends – and pay for them with REAL MONEY?! Ner-mate)

* Impending birthdays (as much fun as impending Christmas. Cry if you want to)

* Dermot O’Leary on Big Brother’s Little Brother (so relentlessly cheery and lovely to everyone you know he just has to be a complete bastard in real life)

* The Total Film free ‘beer cosy’ (a far better idea than just charging less for the magazine)

* Justin Lee Collins is planning to reunite the cast of Star Wars (or just Anthony Daniels and that big fella who played Chewbacca)

The good, the bad, the Folded, the Creased. Folded: * Charlie Brooker’s chucklesome Big Brother rundown in the Guide every weekend (if Saturday’s Guardian supplements weren’t covered in cellophane you could just nick the Guide magazine and not bother buying the paper. Unfortunately they are so pay up and look big) * The new gold coloured PSP for regular people (go, baby, you’re money! Etc, etc) * Mary, Queen of Shops (the programme is so-so, like Kitchen Nightmares without the nudity, but the title is the wittiest wordplay on TV since the magnificent Badger or Bust) * Lovefilm.com’s gratis DVD trial (hunt around on Google and you can get a whole month of unlimited DVD rentals for free. Just be sure to cancel your membership afterwards. Or not, that’s up to you) * Being brazen (if your takeaway is late really kick up a fuss, no matter how low-rent and scummy the eatery. If you’re lucky they’ll offer your next order free of charge. A public service, that's what we are) Creased: * Facebook applications (give crappy icons to your friends – and pay for them with REAL MONEY?! Ner-mate) * Impending birthdays (as much fun as impending Christmas. Cry if you want to) * Dermot O’Leary on Big Brother’s Little Brother (so relentlessly cheery and lovely to everyone you know he just has to be a complete bastard in real life) * The Total Film free ‘beer cosy’ (a far better idea than just charging less for the magazine) * Justin Lee Collins is planning to reunite the cast of Star Wars (or just Anthony Daniels and that big fella who played Chewbacca)
1 comment Read more >>>

Wes Craven Hates Pauly Shore For Reasons Other Than The Obvious

by Stuart Heritage

It's fair to say that nobody could ever find a place in their heart for supremely irritating backwards gonk Pauly Shore, but Wes Craven has less reason than most – Wes says Pauly Shore buggered up his house by being a rubbish neighbour. And now it's got legal – Wes Craven has filed a lawsuit [...]

1 comment Read more >>>

Jail Makes Paris Hilton Grateful For Pillows

by Stuart Heritage

There are many things that Paris Hilton can’t do in jail – like feel the sweet breeze of freedom or suck blokes off on camera for perverts to watch on the internet – but luckily Paris Hilton is allowed to phone up Ryan Seacrest from jail now and again.

And despite all the rumours that Paris Hilton has spent her jail sentence starving herself and crying all the time, her conversation with Seacrest instead suggested that jail has had a profoundly positive effect on Paris Hilton’s life. Not only is Paris Hilton determined to use her fame for good when she gets out of prison, but Paris also announced that jail has made her grateful for every last grain of freedom that everyone usually takes for granted – like food and pillows and earning millions of dollars every year for doing nothing more than dawdling around acting like the world’s stupidest numbskull. You know, the basics.

There are many things that Paris Hilton can't do in jail - like feel the sweet breeze of freedom or suck blokes off on camera for perverts to watch on the internet - but luckily Paris Hilton is allowed to phone up Ryan Seacrest from jail now and again. And despite all the rumours that Paris Hilton has spent her jail sentence starving herself and crying all the time, her conversation with Seacrest instead suggested that jail has had a profoundly positive effect on Paris Hilton's life. Not only is Paris Hilton determined to use her fame for good when she gets out of prison, but Paris also announced that jail has made her grateful for every last grain of freedom that everyone usually takes for granted - like food and pillows and earning millions of dollars every year for doing nothing more than dawdling around acting like the world's stupidest numbskull. You know, the basics.
1 comment Read more >>>

Jimmy Kimmel Loses Body Part

by Shawn Lindseth

So Jimmy Kimmel had something ripped out of his body by medical professionals. We’re not sure what since we only read the headline atop a very-wordy article, but science would seem to indicate it was either his heart or a bushel of stem cells.

Since the very dawn of time, you see, science has told us the body can continue living without any individual organ except the heart, or either of the two larger internal wicker baskets full of stem cells. The five smaller stem cell bushels are completely expendable as thoroughly explained in the October 1905 issue of Popular Science Magazine. Seriously, you should read It.

And no doubt Jimmy Kimmel is learning that even as we speak. Poor guy, sitting there sipping chicken soup while two of his butlers hold the sides of his bloody wound together to save the expense of buying actual stitches. They’ve gotta do that at least three weeks, assuming they’re doing it at all.

Those white servant gloves are gonna be a big scabby mess.

So Jimmy Kimmel had something ripped out of his body by medical professionals. We're not sure what since we only read the headline atop a very-wordy article, but science would seem to indicate it was either his heart or a bushel of stem cells. Since the very dawn of time, you see, science has told us the body can continue living without any individual organ except the heart, or either of the two larger internal wicker baskets full of stem cells. The five smaller stem cell bushels are completely expendable as thoroughly explained in the October 1905 issue of Popular Science Magazine. Seriously, you should read It. And no doubt Jimmy Kimmel is learning that even as we speak. Poor guy, sitting there sipping chicken soup while two of his butlers hold the sides of his bloody wound together to save the expense of buying actual stitches. They've gotta do that at least three weeks, assuming they're doing it at all. Those white servant gloves are gonna be a big scabby mess.
0 comments Read more >>>

Isaiah Washingon Can’t Shut Up, Wants TR Knight Sacked

by Stuart Heritage

Isaiah Washington says that he wasn’t fired from Grey’s Anatomy because of his homophobic slur, and we believe him – it’s obvious that Isaiah Washington was fired from Grey’s Anatomy because he’s a stupid bell-end who just won’t shut up.

How stupid is Isaiah Washington? Is Isaiah Washington stupid enough not to keep his mouth closed and let everyone forget that he shouted the word “faggot” at a Grey’s Anatomy cast member so he can slowly go about rebuilding his career? Partly. Is Isaiah Washington stupid enough to be interviewed by a newspaper in order to tell the whole wide world that it was TR Knight who should have really been sacked for acting like such a pussy just because someone called him a faggot even though he is one anyway? Bang on.

8 comments Read more >>>

SLACKERJACK – Castle Wars

by Stuart Heritage

If hecklerspray had a castle it’d be a good one like the Snake Mountain castle toy from He-Man with a spooky voice-change thing that you can bellow into, and not a bad one like the one where Phil Spector’s friend got shot in the face.

Our point is that neither of these options are explored very much in Castle Wars, today’s Slackerjack. Castle Wars is a sort of card game, where you have to simultaneously build up your castle while making sure that your opponent’s castle stays small. You can do this with knights, magic crystals, bricks and goodness knows what else – we think. To be honest, we played Castle Wars about five times and we still weren’t really sure what we were supposed to do. But we still ended up winning. Hah – we are best at games even when we don’t understand them!

Play Castle Wars now

If hecklerspray had a castle it'd be a good one like the Snake Mountain castle toy from He-Man with a spooky voice-change thing that you can bellow into, and not a bad one like the one where Phil Spector's friend got shot in the face. Our point is that neither of these options are explored very much in Castle Wars, today's Slackerjack. Castle Wars is a sort of card game, where you have to simultaneously build up your castle while making sure that your opponent's castle stays small. You can do this with knights, magic crystals, bricks and goodness knows what else - we think. To be honest, we played Castle Wars about five times and we still weren't really sure what we were supposed to do. But we still ended up winning. Hah - we are best at games even when we don't understand them! Play Castle Wars now
0 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →