Posts from June, 2007
Cack Story Of The Day: Billie Piper In Traffic Shocker!
The news is meant to be about giving a fair and balanced opinion about issues that will get the nation talking. However, not every day is full of stories about countries potentially going to war, Tim Henman putting us under false illusions that he’ll win Wimbledon and countless tales about Bono getting behind some kind of eco warrior project.
Some days are never this exciting and journalists have to scrape the barrel to fill their pages for the nation to read. The Daily Mail tends to do this by warning us that asylum seeking gypsies will steal all the Polish bus drivers' jobs whilst emitting too much carbon. But now the paper is trying something different. As it tries to whip up a frenzy about Billie Piper not wearing a crash helmet.
Big Brother Betting Odds: Everyone Awake Always, Nicky To Win?
It's taken a few weeks for Big Brother to have its first good idea, but here it is - this week's Big Brother task is for all the housemates to go sleepless from Sunday to tomorrow morning, which is bound to cause some gigantic arguments.
Not only that, but this week's Big Brother nominations took place in the middle of the night when all the housemates' judgement was impaired due to lack of sleep, as opposed to having their judgement impaired by the fact that they're all fluff-brained nincompoops who think that Romeo And Juliet was a film about the bloke from So Solid Crew. So maybe this week's Big Brother nominations will the result of the Big Brother housemates being too tired to gameplay, or maybe they won't really mean to nominate who they do, or maybe they'll fall asleep in the diary room chair, dribble down their chin and wet themselves.
We'll tell you the Big Brother nominations when they're announced, but for now here are the Big Brother betting odds to win - for Nicky, Billi, Sam, Amanda, Tracey and Ziggy - with help from Paddy Power…
DNA Proves Eddie Murphy Fathered Mel B’s Baby ‘110%’
The world has been on tenterhooks for months now, anxiously wondering if Eddie Murphy really did get Mel B pregnant, or if Eddie Murphy was right to assume that Mel B had slept around, or if Eddie Murphy would ever make a sequel to Norbit.
And now we know the answer to at least some of these questions. While sadly the Norbit sequel is still as up in the air as it's ever been, results of a DNA test have proved conclusively that Eddie Murphy is the father of Mel B's daughter Angel Iris. In fact, Eddie Murphy is so definitely the father of Angel Iris that Mel B has released a statement claiming that the baby is "110%" his. This must come as something as a disappointment to Mel B, who was probably expecting that the baby was at least partially hers, what with how she let it grow inside her and all.
Awesome Or Off-Putting: Mexico’s Flying Witch
Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.
This week: The Unexplainable/Myths
Generally Mexicans are a people associated with delicious burritos, a strong work ethic except during mid-day nap time, and being very athletic and evasive. Today though, today we take a paranormal look at what's going on there south of the border. Yes, today we have a news clip showing actual footage of a strange flying entity in Mexico. It's a strangely shaped witch filmed from a distance, and not easily written off.
You can see for yourself, if you'd like. Just click that beautiful blue 'read more' kitty-corner to the left.
Foxy Brown Beaten Up & Robbed, Then She Says She Wasn’t
Foxy Brown has a history of rampaging unstoppable violence, which leads us to believe that the people who attacked and robbed her this weekend must have been genetically-engineered mech warriors from the future or something.
Early on Saturday morning, female rapper and all-round body-slamming street brawler Foxy Brown was apparently dragged out of her car and beaten up by four people who then went on to steal her Louis Vuitton handbag, $500 in cash and her credit cards. We say 'apparently' because, although a woman has already been arrested for the attack, Foxy Brown claims it wasn't her and she wasn't even there when it happened. Nobody knows why, but it could be because Foxy Brown wants to wreak her own style of punishment on the perpetrators - and if we soon start hearing news about a tiny woman destroying an apartment block with just her fists, we'll know we were right.
Nicole Kidman Becomes Nintendo Saleswoman
Computer games have been going through a tough time of late.
Ultra-violent new release Manhunt 2, for example, has been banned in several countries, with censors citing its horrific violence, utter immorality and dark twisted atmosphere. Obviously this has made hecklerspray want to get hold of a copy more than anything in the world.
Mind you, we have grown more wary of seeking out banned stuff in our old age. That Driller Killer movie was banned for years, and quite frankly we'll be darned if we haven't ever seen a more boring pile of donkey bollocks. And 'controversial' 1920s tome Lady Chatterley's Lover really isn't a patch on that All-Anal Sluts Volume 12 And 13 boxset that Santa bought us for Christmas.
Still - maybe Manhunt developers Rockstar should take a leaf out of Nintendo's book. They've decided to make video games sexy (kind of), by hauling in flame-haired Australian actress Nicole Kidman to front their advertisements.
Evan Almighty Floats To Top Of Weekend Box Office
Evan Almighty had a lot riding on it - it's officially the most expensive animal-based family comedy movie with a hokey religious moral strapped to it ever made - but it's paid off; Evan Almighty is number one at the weekend box office.
The sequel to Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty ditched the things that were wrong about the first movie - like Jim Carrey gurning like an idiot and the presence of Jennifer Aniston - and replaced it with the plot of The Santa Clause with more animals and kiddie-friendly scenes of vast biblical disasters. Evan Almighty fared five times better at the weekend box office than A Mighty Heart, the new Angelina Jolie movie, which - judging by this week's weekend box office chart - probably could have benefited from a scene where a monkey saws some wood in a funny way.
Paris Hilton To Do First Boo-Hoo Jail Interview With Larry King
Make the most of these next few hours - Paris Hilton is released from jail tomorrow, which means you haven't got long until you only see a skinny, vague, wonky-eyed internet porn star yakking about how hard her life is everywhere you look.
And the first place you'll see Paris Hilton crying and explaining how tough it is to stay in on her own in a two-person cell in a prison designed especially for famous people is on Larry King Live. Paris Hilton has agreed to let Larry King interview her for free on Wednesday. Larry King, knowing that he needs to make the Paris Hilton interview as sensational as possible, has decided to arrange the interview into segments - the interview will open with the 'Paris Hilton: I'm really, like, sorry and shit' segment before delving into the nitty gritty with segments entitled 'Paris Hilton: prison's like a small room where you have to sleep and stuff', 'Paris Hilton: the mean girls called me bad names' and 'Paris Hilton: I see there's a camera running. Would you like me to suck you off? It's sort of what I do.'
SLACKERJACK - A Very Irritating Game
A Very Irritating Game is a game that's on a website where you can buy a lot of useless tat, but forget that because A Very Irritating Game is actually A Very Fun Game or a Moderately Diverting Game For People Who Like That Sort Of Thing at the very least.
The point of A Very Irritating Game is to slingshot an animal as far across an office as you can, and not much else. Your A Very Irritating Game weapons of choice are either a pig or a monkey, and there's not much more to it than setting an angle and a power level and letting the animals fly. We're not sure how much of a hint this is, but you'd do well to aim the animals at just about head height. You'll see why.
