Lindsay Lohan knows only too well that as soon as she steps out of rehab she's confronted with all sorts of disgusting things like alcohol, drugs and - perhaps most disgustingly of all - Calum Best, which is why Lindsay Lohan won't leave rehab.

According to an interview with Lindsay Lohan's mother, Lindsay has decided to embark upon something the Promises rehab facility calls an 'extended care program' whereby the addict - in this case Lindsay Lohan - takes on group therapy sessions and the full 12-step program until they're so clean of addictions that they won't feel the sudden all-encompassing urge to assume that starring in a heartwarming pan-generational drama with Barbarella and one of the Desperate Housewives will make them more famous for acting than for falling out of parties drunk without any knickers on at every hour of the day.

Tom Cruise may have been trying to keep himself to himself in order to rebuild his career as a non-mental filmstar lately, but it seems nobody told Germany - it's banned Tom Cruise from filming at military sites because he's a Scientologist.

Next year Tom Cruise will star in Valkyrie, a movie about a man trying to kill Adolf Hitler with a briefcase, but the German Ministry of Defence has thrown a spanner in the works by refusing to allow any filming in any of its military sites because Tom Cruise is a member of the Church Of Scientology, a group which the German government does not recognise as a church. The timing couldn't be worse - not only has this incident all at once reminded the world of what a kooky Scientologist Tom Cruise as well as potentially costing the production of Valkyrie millions of dollars, but it's also thrown the future of Tom Cruise's movie after that into doubt - the provisionally-entitled KClaus Nitschmann's Ginormous Wiener Schnitzel.

Typical - when Paris Hilton breaks her probation, she gets a measly 23 days in jail, but when Tom Sizemore punches his girlfriend, fails drug test after drug test and then tries to punch a hotel worker while possibly on drugs, he gets 16 months.

Tom Sizemore, the actor best known for being in Black Hawk Down until he started punching girls, failing drug tests, using prosthetic penises, making his own porn movies and trying to fight people who work in the service industries, has finally seen his run of incredible luck at prison-dodging come to an end. Yesterday a judge sentenced Tom Sizemore to 16 months in jail for repeatedly violating the terms of his probation over the course of a number of years. Porno? Probation violation? Throw in a pair of wonky eyes and Tom Sizemore's the male Paris Hilton that nobody really gives a shit about.

Like any ridiculous ancient city that probably never existed, Machu Picchu has many laws established for its people to follow. And since Machu Picchu's residents are all either dead or pretend in the first place, the city's laws fall upon all those who visit it.

Generally the Machu Picchuian laws are simple, like decapitate all those who are weaker than you, and pierce everything. Then there are the lesser-known city laws, like don't ever carry anything Chinese-made within its city walls.

This seemingly racist law was written when China squelched the hopes of a Peruvian World Cup title in 7000 BC. Now we know what you're thinking - 9007 years is an awfully long time to hold a grudge - and we agree with you. But alas, it's still up to us to know and willingly follow the rules of all cities, no matter how dead or fake they are. Cameron Diaz would do good to remember this. She recently screwed the Peruvian pooch.

We didn't mean it quite like that.

History has proved that Paris Hilton is about as good at leaving jail as she is at making successful pop albums or performing oral sex on men without it ending up on the internet, but this time Paris Hilton has really left jail for good.

At 12.15am local time Paris Hilton left the Century Regional Detention Facility which has been her home, on and off, for the last three weeks to a flurry of paparazzi and news reporters. Now she's free, it's up to Paris Hilton to try and convince the world that her jail sentence has left her a changed women; but first she'll need to slowly adapt to life outside jail first. For instance, it'll be a few days before Paris Hilton will be able to sleep without the soothing accompaniment of the sound of women crying and screaming for their lives, and we also expect that it'll be hard for Paris to follow orders for a while unless a scar-faced tattooed butch lesbian screams the orders while jabbing a toothbrush/razorblade shiv into the small of her terrified back.

Thank your lucky stars that Burger Island isn't about an island that's actually a burger, because it would be disgusting. The salt water would make the bun all soggy, you'd regularly get condoms and dead whales washing up in it and it'd probably get quite cold after a while.

Instead Burger Island is another one of

There's a point in the show when David Cross - alternative comedian, probably best known to the masses for his wonderful performance in unfairly-cancelled sitcom Arrested Development - makes an off-the-cuff remark to the audience about the reviews of his latest London run "not being great."

Not that hecklerspray wants to join the consensus, but maybe some of those other reviewers might have been onto something. Don't get us wrong - David Cross is possibly one of the best stand-ups in the world today. It's just that anyone expecting the sort of scintillating, 90-minute-plus comedy assault heard on his albums Shut Up You Fucking Baby or It's Not Funny might find themselves a little disappointed.

The problem? Well, that lies in the show's subtitle: And Friends. David Cross And Friends. Not to worry, though, hecklerspray thought as we took our seat. Surely these 'friends' will be the support acts, warming up the audience before the man himself emerges for a full-on hilarity whirlwind that'll last the rest of the evening. Surely this show won't just be a bunch of lesser-known comedians with David Cross basically acting as compere? Surely that wouldn't the case? Right?

Right?

Oh, we suspect you already know the answer.

Usually the most interesting thing to happen at the Glastonbury Festival is when someone decides to throw a litre bottle of warm piss at Captain Pie from the Manic Street Preachers, but Shirley Bassey changed all that this year.

Not content with taking the traditional Sunday afternoon 'old person that people only like ironically at best' Glastonbury slot which, as expected, consisted of a few James Bond theme-tunes shouted at some damp sixth-formers on their first trip away from home, Shirley Bassey attempted something truly spectacular after her set - when the helicopter flying Shirley Bassey back to Surrey developed a mechanical fault, hit some bad weather, came within inches of smashing into pylons and wires and had to make an emergency landing in a school field. It's thought this is the most thrilling Glastonbury-related incident since Bez from The Happy Mondays walked into the side of a cow in 1990.