From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Chantelle and Preston Split, Nobody Surprised

by Matthew Laidlow

Cast your mind back to the so-called ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother from last year. No, we aren’t thinking of the epic 2007 series where Jade Goody along with her sisterhood of big bad racists said nasty and spiteful things to Shilpa Shetty.

We are thinking of the Celebrity Big Brother from back in the good old days of 2006, when the show was mildly entertaining and didn’t spawn multiple complaints to OFCOM. In what seemed a whirlwind romance, Preston from The Ordinary Boys – the band not quite as good as any other band ever, fell in love with Paris Hilton lookalike Chantelle Houghton. Cue Preston ditching his other bird for Chantelle and getting a quickie marriage. And now that’s all over.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Slop’s Up, Carole Out Tomorrow?

by Stuart Heritage

Big Brother’s been in rare form this week – first Big Brother has forced the housemates to stay awake for three and a half days and, now that they’ve failed, it’s forcing them to only eat what looks horrifyingly like wallpaper paste.

Perhaps if Jack Bauer had been taking notes from Big Brother, the last season of 24 wouldn’t have been so useless. Or maybe it’s the other way around and Big Brother has been taking torture notes from 24. Either way we couldn’t be enjoying it any more – at least until next week when, having failed the Big Brother ‘kill the youngest member of your family with the back of a shovel’ task, Ziggy, Laura and Brian are forced to sit down with their feet in buckets of water while men hold electrical wires from household appliances to their heads and the other Big Brother housemates are stripped naked and forced into human pyramids. Yes, we’d like that.

Billi, Carole and Tracey are up for Big Brother eviction tomorrow, so here are the Big Brother betting odds for Carole and Tracey, with betting odds coming from Paddy Power…

Big Brother's been in rare form this week - first Big Brother has forced the housemates to stay awake for three and a half days and, now that they've failed, it's forcing them to only eat what looks horrifyingly like wallpaper paste. Perhaps if Jack Bauer had been taking notes from Big Brother, the last season of 24 wouldn't have been so useless. Or maybe it's the other way around and Big Brother has been taking torture notes from 24. Either way we couldn't be enjoying it any more - at least until next week when, having failed the Big Brother 'kill the youngest member of your family with the back of a shovel' task, Ziggy, Laura and Brian are forced to sit down with their feet in buckets of water while men hold electrical wires from household appliances to their heads and the other Big Brother housemates are stripped naked and forced into human pyramids. Yes, we'd like that. Billi, Carole and Tracey are up for Big Brother eviction tomorrow, so here are the Big Brother betting odds for Carole and Tracey, with betting odds coming from Paddy Power...
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Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Life To Become Romantic Comedy

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re like us, you’ve probably often wondered what the life of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner would be like as seen through the eyes of the genius who directed all three of the critically-acclaimed Rush Hour movies.

And now you’re going to get your chance. Hugh Hefner has approved a script to the movie of his life, and Playboy: The Movie is to hopefully go into production in the very near future. However, since Rush Hour director Brett Ratner is directing the Playboy movie, we can expect to see the moment when a young Hugh Hefner decides to create a new system-shaking magazine with a brave taboo-busting ideology recreated cinematically into a scene where Hugh Hefner runs into a gangster’s lair, accidentally insults everyone and winds up in the middle of a hare-brained gang-fight that only his nimble Asian partner can rescue him from.

If you're like us, you've probably often wondered what the life of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner would be like as seen through the eyes of the genius who directed all three of the critically-acclaimed Rush Hour movies. And now you're going to get your chance. Hugh Hefner has approved a script to the movie of his life, and Playboy: The Movie is to hopefully go into production in the very near future. However, since Rush Hour director Brett Ratner is directing the Playboy movie, we can expect to see the moment when a young Hugh Hefner decides to create a new system-shaking magazine with a brave taboo-busting ideology recreated cinematically into a scene where Hugh Hefner runs into a gangster's lair, accidentally insults everyone and winds up in the middle of a hare-brained gang-fight that only his nimble Asian partner can rescue him from.
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Carrie Underwood World’s Sexiest Vegetarian Again

by Stuart Heritage

Now, far be it for us to suggest that all vegetarians are gaunt, lifeless, protein-deprived morons who don’t realise that chewing on bleeding lumps of dead animal is both cool and sexy, but there’s a definitely a lack of sexy vegetarians around.

Why do we say that? Because animal rights group PETA has named its annual ‘World’s Sexiest Vegetarians’ list – a little like trying to find the world’s tubbiest anorexic or the world’s most interesting envelope – and the results are so depressing that we’re planning to visit the winners’ houses and frisbee lamb chops into their mouths just to get them disqualified. Why? Because PETA has decided that this year’s World’s Sexiest Vegetarians are Carrie Underwood from American Idol – who was also the World’s Sexiest Vegetarian two years ago – and a bloke so startlingly anonymous that we’re not even sure his mother knows who he is.

Now, far be it for us to suggest that all vegetarians are gaunt, lifeless, protein-deprived morons who don't realise that chewing on bleeding lumps of dead animal is both cool and sexy, but there's a definitely a lack of sexy vegetarians around. Why do we say that? Because animal rights group PETA has named its annual 'World's Sexiest Vegetarians' list - a little like trying to find the world's tubbiest anorexic or the world's most interesting envelope - and the results are so depressing that we're planning to visit the winners' houses and frisbee lamb chops into their mouths just to get them disqualified. Why? Because PETA has decided that this year's World's Sexiest Vegetarians are Carrie Underwood from American Idol - who was also the World's Sexiest Vegetarian two years ago - and a bloke so startlingly anonymous that we're not even sure his mother knows who he is.
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Sheriff: Paris Hilton Was Going To Kill Herself, Honest

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Paris Hilton is free again in a world where serial cluelessness is rewarded with a long-running TV show and not a vicious beating in the showers by a gang of stocky shoplifters, questions are starting to be asked.

No, not the sort of softball questions that Larry King is going to be asking Paris Hilton later today on his show – questions that will nevertheless make Paris Hilton cry enough on TV for us to mention it ourselves – we’re talking about questions like ‘why on earth did that Sheriff let Paris Hilton out of jail after a couple of days?’. But the sheriff in question, Lee Baca, is already on the offensive, claiming that Paris Hilton was originally released from jail early because he thought Paris was going to kill herself. Because she wasn’t eating. That’s not a suicide attempt, you dummy, that’s Paris Hilton becoming intimidated into immobility by the sight of cutlery – the most technologically complicated objects that Paris Hilton has ever seen in her short life.

Now that Paris Hilton is free again in a world where serial cluelessness is rewarded with a long-running TV show and not a vicious beating in the showers by a gang of stocky shoplifters, questions are starting to be asked. No, not the sort of softball questions that Larry King is going to be asking Paris Hilton later today on his show - questions that will nevertheless make Paris Hilton cry enough on TV for us to mention it ourselves - we're talking about questions like 'why on earth did that Sheriff let Paris Hilton out of jail after a couple of days?'. But the sheriff in question, Lee Baca, is already on the offensive, claiming that Paris Hilton was originally released from jail early because he thought Paris was going to kill herself. Because she wasn't eating. That's not a suicide attempt, you dummy, that's Paris Hilton becoming intimidated into immobility by the sight of cutlery - the most technologically complicated objects that Paris Hilton has ever seen in her short life.
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Now The Verve Reform, Hundreds Rejoice

by Matthew Laidlow

Keeping up with the constant ongoing trends that will delight handfuls of deluded fans, yet another band from the nineties has decided to plug their guitars back in.

It can only be everyone’s favourite band from Manchester after Oasis, The Smiths and Doves. Of course it can only be The Verve, led by miserable-looking git, Richard Ashcroft. Hecklerspray aims to start a campaign to name 2007 the Chinese year of past-it bands that everyone was glad to see the back of reforming because they’ve spent all their money on cocaine, booze, women or a combination of all three.

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Christian Bale Eats Un-Spiced Maggots

by Shawn Lindseth

The grossest thing hecklerspray ever had to eat was a neck-hair shish kebab made with marmalade and the obvious ingredient. We did so because our mother spent so long making it, to leave it uneaten on the plate would have been plain rude. Plus we were extremely hungry. And you know what? It was actually [...]

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Phil Spector Murder Trial: Time For The Defence

by Stuart Heritage

The Phil Spector murder trial has gone a bit cold over the last couple of weeks – possibly because the dry discussion of blood spatter patterns isn’t exactly as fun as women being all upset because Phil Spector tried to rape them at gunpoint.

But that all changes now, because it’s time for Phil Spector’s defence to get going. And it’ll be an uphill task for Phil Spector’s defence team, since the testimonies of several forensic professionals have pointed the finger firmly in the direction of murder. Yesterday the defence started to try and clear Spector’s name with the introduction of a new forensics expert who had his own ideas on the matter – although why the defence lawyers don’t just stand Phil Spector up and ask the jury how a man who’s patently incapable of dressing himself as anything other than a middle-aged lesbian on a cruise ship holiday could ever be able to figure out how to murder anyone is beyond us.

The Phil Spector murder trial has gone a bit cold over the last couple of weeks - possibly because the dry discussion of blood spatter patterns isn't exactly as fun as women being all upset because Phil Spector tried to rape them at gunpoint. But that all changes now, because it's time for Phil Spector's defence to get going. And it'll be an uphill task for Phil Spector's defence team, since the testimonies of several forensic professionals have pointed the finger firmly in the direction of murder. Yesterday the defence started to try and clear Spector's name with the introduction of a new forensics expert who had his own ideas on the matter - although why the defence lawyers don't just stand Phil Spector up and ask the jury how a man who's patently incapable of dressing himself as anything other than a middle-aged lesbian on a cruise ship holiday could ever be able to figure out how to murder anyone is beyond us.
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SLACKERJACK – Race Cars Extreme Rally

by Stuart Heritage

Finally – a Slackerjack that sort of fits in with hecklerspray. Although Race Cars Extreme Rally on the surface just looks like a beautiful little racer, it becomes so much more with the application of a little imagination.

Played straight, Race Cars Extreme Rally is a way above average racing game that lets you pick one of 12 gloriously fast 3D cars around a selection of fiendish tracks with all kinds of insane power-ups and seemingly endless numbers of tournaments to enter – but to get the most out of Race Cars Extreme Rally, why not do what we did and pretend you’re a modern-day celebrity driving. You could crash into a curb like Lindsay Lohan, weave about all drunk like Paris Hilton or swing the car around and drive into oncoming traffic like Nicole Richie. If only Race Cars Extreme Rally let you get out of your car and batter it with an umbrella like Britney Spears we’d be in gaming heaven.

Order Race Cars Extreme Rally Now

Download Race Cars Extreme Rally

Finally - a Slackerjack that sort of fits in with hecklerspray. Although Race Cars Extreme Rally on the surface just looks like a beautiful little racer, it becomes so much more with the application of a little imagination. Played straight, Race Cars Extreme Rally is a way above average racing game that lets you pick one of 12 gloriously fast 3D cars around a selection of fiendish tracks with all kinds of insane power-ups and seemingly endless numbers of tournaments to enter - but to get the most out of Race Cars Extreme Rally, why not do what we did and pretend you're a modern-day celebrity driving. You could crash into a curb like Lindsay Lohan, weave about all drunk like Paris Hilton or swing the car around and drive into oncoming traffic like Nicole Richie. If only Race Cars Extreme Rally let you get out of your car and batter it with an umbrella like Britney Spears we'd be in gaming heaven. Order Race Cars Extreme Rally Now Download Race Cars Extreme Rally
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Michael Parkinson To Stop Asking Dull Questions All The Time

by Stuart Heritage

Michael Parkinson – a man whose sole purpose on this Earth is to remind you that you have no friends and that your life is ultimately worthless every single Saturday night – has decided to retire from his chat-show after 36 years.

That’s not to say that Michael Parkinson is retiring fully, though – as well as keeping his Radio 2 show, Michael Parkinson will write his autobiography and consider any other television opportunities – but it does mean that Parkinson will be spared the weekly grind of trying to make people like Martine McCutcheon look clever or interesting. However, don’t think that Michael Parkinson’s retirement will be permanent – let’s see how sick of his chat-show Michael Parkinson is in a couple of years when he invariably winds up presenting a late night cricket-based panel show on UKTV Gold.

Michael Parkinson - a man whose sole purpose on this Earth is to remind you that you have no friends and that your life is ultimately worthless every single Saturday night - has decided to retire from his chat-show after 36 years. That's not to say that Michael Parkinson is retiring fully, though - as well as keeping his Radio 2 show, Michael Parkinson will write his autobiography and consider any other television opportunities - but it does mean that Parkinson will be spared the weekly grind of trying to make people like Martine McCutcheon look clever or interesting. However, don't think that Michael Parkinson's retirement will be permanent - let's see how sick of his chat-show Michael Parkinson is in a couple of years when he invariably winds up presenting a late night cricket-based panel show on UKTV Gold.
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