Posts from June, 2007

Now that Paris Hilton is free again in a world where serial cluelessness is rewarded with a long-running TV show and not a vicious beating in the showers by a gang of stocky shoplifters, questions are starting to be asked.

No, not the sort of softball questions that Larry King is going to be asking Paris Hilton later today on his show - questions that will nevertheless make Paris Hilton cry enough on TV for us to mention it ourselves - we're talking about questions like 'why on earth did that Sheriff let Paris Hilton out of jail after a couple of days?'. But the sheriff in question, Lee Baca, is already on the offensive, claiming that Paris Hilton was originally released from jail early because he thought Paris was going to kill herself. Because she wasn't eating. That's not a suicide attempt, you dummy, that's Paris Hilton becoming intimidated into immobility by the sight of cutlery - the most technologically complicated objects that Paris Hilton has ever seen in her short life.

Read the rest of this entry »

Keeping up with the constant ongoing trend that will delight handfuls of deluded fans, yet another band from the nineties has decided to plug their guitars back in.

It can only be everyone’s favourite band from Manchester after Oasis, The Smiths and Doves. Of course it can only be The Verve, led by miserable-looking git, Richard Ashcroft. Hecklerspray aims to start a campaign to name 2007 the Chinese year of past-it bands that everyone was glad to see the back of reforming because they’ve spent all their money on cocaine, booze, women or a combination of all three.

Read the rest of this entry »

The grossest thing hecklerspray ever had to eat was a neck-hair shish kebab made with marmalade and the obvious ingredient. We did so because our mother spent so long making it, to leave it uneaten on the plate would have been plain rude. Plus we were extremely hungry.

And you know what? It was actually pretty good - so good, in fact we've been licking the back of people's necks ever since. That's not easy you know, because after the first neck-lick people are always on-guard. The trick is you gotta get the lick in right when you meet somebody, like in the first two minutes. It's always "Hello George, we're hecklerspray. Hey look at that money on the ground," or "The pleasure is ours Eileen. Is that a tick back there?"

Not all culinary surprises turn out quite so well. Why, just recently Christian Bale choked on un-seasoned maggots - possibly the kind with teeth, tongues and stingers.

Our maggot anatomy has not been verified by any house of science.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Phil Spector murder trial has gone a bit cold over the last couple of weeks - possibly because the dry discussion of blood spatter patterns isn't exactly as fun as women being all upset because Phil Spector tried to rape them at gunpoint.

But that all changes now, because it's time for Phil Spector's defence to get going. And it'll be an uphill task for Phil Spector's defence team, since the testimonies of several forensic professionals have pointed the finger firmly in the direction of murder. Yesterday the defence started to try and clear Spector's name with the introduction of a new forensics expert who had his own ideas on the matter - although why the defence lawyers don't just stand Phil Spector up and ask the jury how a man who's patently incapable of dressing himself as anything other than a middle-aged lesbian on a cruise ship holiday could ever be able to figure out how to murder anyone is beyond us.

Read the rest of this entry »

Finally - a Slackerjack that sort of fits in with hecklerspray. Although Race Cars Extreme Rally on the surface just looks like a beautiful little racer, it becomes so much more with the application of a little imagination.

Played straight, Race Cars Extreme Rally is a way above average racing game that lets you pick one of 12 gloriously fast 3D cars around a selection of fiendish tracks with all kinds of insane power-ups and seemingly endless numbers of tournaments to enter - but to get the most out of Race Cars Extreme Rally, why not do what we did and pretend you're a modern-day celebrity driving. You could crash into a curb like Lindsay Lohan, weave about all drunk like Paris Hilton or swing the car around and drive into oncoming traffic like Nicole Richie. If only Race Cars Extreme Rally let you get out of your car and batter it with an umbrella like Britney Spears we'd be in gaming heaven.

Order Race Cars Extreme Rally Now

Download Race Cars Extreme Rally

Michael Parkinson - a man whose sole purpose on this Earth is to remind you that you have no friends and that your life is ultimately worthless every single Saturday night - has decided to retire from his chat-show after 36 years.

That's not to say that Michael Parkinson is retiring fully, though - as well as keeping his Radio 2 show, Michael Parkinson will write his autobiography and consider any other television opportunities - but it does mean that Parkinson will be spared the weekly grind of trying to make people like Martine McCutcheon look clever or interesting. However, don't think that Michael Parkinson's retirement will be permanent - let's see how sick of his chat-show Michael Parkinson is in a couple of years when he invariably winds up presenting a late night cricket-based panel show on UKTV Gold. 

Read the rest of this entry »

When hecklerspray was younger and slightly less intelligent then we are now, we used to believe all sorts of crap that was spoon-fed to us by our peers.

Such bollocks included the tale of a mystical lady who would swap our decayed and rotten teeth for a few quid and the giant rabbit who'll leave us chocolate eggs on Easter day for no explained reasons. Another tall tale that all young kids believe is that the so called 'sport' of professional wrestling is real, and that watching a mix of fat sweaty blokes and manly-looking women pummelling the crap out of each other is 100% reality. Some make a career out of fooling people - and on Monday one of the top con artists, Chris Benoit, was found dead at his home alongside his wife and child. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Well that didn't last long - just as soon as we were getting excited at the prospect of some sleep deprived Big Brother arguments, the Big Brother housemates all decided to quit this week's genius insomnia task like a bunch of rubbish girls.

Useless - in the end the Big Brother housemates decided that they'd have one of their special house votes to determine whether or not they'd quit the task, and they did. Just like they quit the Big Brother sardines task. It seems like this group of Big Brother housemates don't do endurance, and so we've decided that a better way to test them would be to give them very short, very intense tasks. Like, for instance, setting the Big Brother house on fire and seeing if they're able to escape. Or electrocuting one of them in the shower. That sort of thing.

This week's Big Brother housemates up for eviction are Billi, Carole and Tracey. We'll be coming to that tomorrow, but for now here's the final part of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Chanelle, Brian, Gerry and Liam - with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

Lindsay Lohan knows only too well that as soon as she steps out of rehab she's confronted with all sorts of disgusting things like alcohol, drugs and - perhaps most disgustingly of all - Calum Best, which is why Lindsay Lohan won't leave rehab.

According to an interview with Lindsay Lohan's mother, Lindsay has decided to embark upon something the Promises rehab facility calls an 'extended care program' whereby the addict - in this case Lindsay Lohan - takes on group therapy sessions and the full 12-step program until they're so clean of addictions that they won't feel the sudden all-encompassing urge to assume that starring in a heartwarming pan-generational drama with Barbarella and one of the Desperate Housewives will make them more famous for acting than for falling out of parties drunk without any knickers on at every hour of the day.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tom Cruise may have been trying to keep himself to himself in order to rebuild his career as a non-mental filmstar lately, but it seems nobody told Germany - it's banned Tom Cruise from filming at military sites because he's a Scientologist.

Next year Tom Cruise will star in Valkyrie, a movie about a man trying to kill Adolf Hitler with a briefcase, but the German Ministry of Defence has thrown a spanner in the works by refusing to allow any filming in any of its military sites because Tom Cruise is a member of the Church Of Scientology, a group which the German government does not recognise as a church. The timing couldn't be worse - not only has this incident all at once reminded the world of what a kooky Scientologist Tom Cruise as well as potentially costing the production of Valkyrie millions of dollars, but it's also thrown the future of Tom Cruise's movie after that into doubt - the provisionally-entitled KClaus Nitschmann's Ginormous Wiener Schnitzel.

Read the rest of this entry »

Typical - when Paris Hilton breaks her probation, she gets a measly 23 days in jail, but when Tom Sizemore punches his girlfriend, fails drug test after drug test and then tries to punch a hotel worker while possibly on drugs, he gets 16 months.

Tom Sizemore, the actor best known for being in Black Hawk Down until he started punching girls, failing drug tests, using prosthetic penises, making his own porn movies and trying to fight people who work in the service industries, has finally seen his run of incredible luck at prison-dodging come to an end. Yesterday a judge sentenced Tom Sizemore to 16 months in jail for repeatedly violating the terms of his probation over the course of a number of years. Porno? Probation violation? Throw in a pair of wonky eyes and Tom Sizemore's the male Paris Hilton that nobody really gives a shit about.

Read the rest of this entry »

Like any ridiculous ancient city that probably never existed, Machu Picchu has many laws established for its people to follow. And since Machu Picchu's residents are all either dead or pretend in the first place, the city's laws fall upon all those who visit it.

Generally the Machu Picchuian laws are simple, like decapitate all those who are weaker than you, and pierce everything. Then there are the lesser-known city laws, like don't ever carry anything Chinese-made within its city walls.

This seemingly racist law was written when China squelched the hopes of a Peruvian World Cup title in 7000 BC. Now we know what you're thinking - 9007 years is an awfully long time to hold a grudge - and we agree with you. But alas, it's still up to us to know and willingly follow the rules of all cities, no matter how dead or fake they are. Cameron Diaz would do good to remember this. She recently screwed the Peruvian pooch.

We didn't mean it quite like that.

Read the rest of this entry »