Well, not you specifically - if Angelina Jolie saw you naked she wouldn't have any time to talk because she'd be too busy barfing up lumpy puddles and rubbing fistfuls of wire wool into her eyes in order to remove the horrible image of you naked.

But you get the idea. Angelina Jolie likes to talk when she's naked, and has told Marie Claire that she has her most intimate and important discussions with Brad Pitt when they're both naked in the bath together. See? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt  are normal people just like you, only richer, a billion times better looking, with better jobs and a keener sense of where their lives are going. Plus they adopt more babies than you do and they probably don't wee in the bath to warm it up rather than lean over and run the hot tap for a few seconds. Because that is the thing that you do.

For hecklerspray to work there are a few key components that are needed. Namely people and highly sophisticated chimpanzees reading our ramblings and then leaving us rude and threatening comments that often make us laugh uncontrollably.

Without people reading that we sometimes misspell and get stuff wrong, we would have to go back to our old job of annoying you outside chains of HMV trying to get you to buy the Big Issue so you could read poetry written by pissed tramps. So putting two and two together, it seems logical that you need people to access what you do in order for it to be successful. Right? Of course, we’re never wrong, but creepy-looking Jack White - frontperson of The White Stripes - doesn’t want you to hear his songs. And when he found the duo's new album Icky Thump was played on an American radio station, the toys flew out the pram. 

Jellyfish are the only creatures the world should enthusiastically push towards extinction. Oh, and snakes too - we hate the way they just look at you when you're trying to steal their eggs. It's a free country snakes!

And let's throw in baby raccoons while we're at it. The adults are OK, but the little ones sitting snug in mama raccoon's marsupial pouch reading up on different methods of garbage-can entry - well they're a danger to our children and our children's children.

But the Jellyfish though, they should be the first to go. Aside from being allowed to drive and occasionally putting their teeth in backwards, it's those gelatinous creatures of the sea that pose the greatest threat to the global geriatric. Britney Spears would likely agree with us, as she recently saw fit to fearlessly save an old couple from a beach full of the dastardly creatures.

The jellyfish are dastardly, not the old folk.

There's nothing like the sight of a revolver covered in four-year-old dried blood to sharply remind you that the Phil Spector murder trial is a murder trial and not just an excuse to mock a tiny old man with a range of bewildering haircuts.

And that's what everyone in court for the continuing Phil Spector murder trial discovered yesterday, when the snub-nosed .38 Special that fired the shot that killed Lana Clarkson was shown to the jury, along with several other guns that police found in Phil Spector's home following her death. This gun display effectively means that the prosecution in the Phil Spector murder trial is moving into a new, hyper-serious stage where claims that Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson will be repeatedly drilled into the jury. Since that means wisecracks about lesbian haircuts are going to look severely misjudged from now on, we can't pretend that we're not a little upset by this.

Premier figures from the world of literature were united yesterday in their praise for model-turned-writer Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan) and her spellbinding second novel.

Crystal - believed to be the most valuable insight into the human condition in the history of artistic endeavour - tells the devastatingly poignant tale of a young glamour model and her dreams of launching a 'glitzy career.'

According to the press release, though:

 ...Crystal has a secret. She's fallen for the wrong man and this one mistake could cost her everything - her friendships, her fame and her chance of ever finding love again. 

The book was unveiled during a ceremony at Harrods, during which Jordan delighted the crowd with her witty ruminations on the nature of creativity, the similarity of her narrative drive to iconoclastic social commentator Don Delillo, and - on a more serious note - her political outlook with regard to the state of play in the Middle East.

The tenth anniversary of Princess Diana's death is being marked in two ways: a) a concert where Rod Stewart will sing and b) a documentary explicitly showing her body mangled in a car crash - no, we don't know which is more tasteless either.

But let's focus on the latter, because that's what everyone's making such a fuss about. Tonight Channel 4 will broadcast a documentary called Diana: The Witness In The Tunnel which, as far as we've been able to tell, is an hour-long montage of ever-more graphic photographs of Princess Diana dying horribly in a mangled car in a Paris tunnel, set to music by Mogwai, Radiohead and the sounds of distant echoed cackling, sinister children singing nursery rhymes and loops of fairground music played backwards.

Princes William and Harry have been urging Channel 4 not to show the Princess Diana documentary - but Channel 4 has ignored them, relishing the chance to broadcast an actual car crash instead of just hours and hours of car crash TV like Big Brother for a change.

In which we celebrate the return of hecklerspray's resident agony uncle Dennis Norden. Take it away, Denster...

Dear Dennis,

I sometimes wonder if there's any point in living. I mean - seriously, take a look at the world we inhabit. Disease, corruption, injustice, famine, heartbreak... the list goes on and on. How can anybody even get up in the