From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Paris Hilton Simpers Off To Jail For A Few Weeks

by Stuart Heritage

Paris Hilton has gone to jail, so the next time Paris Hilton says “that’s hot” will presumably be when a deranged shaven-headed tattooed female murderer throws a bowl of scalding hot porridge into her face while she’s queueing up for breakfast.

Late last night Paris Hilton booked herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility five miles southeast of Los Angeles to begin her 23-day jail sentence for probation violation stemming from a previous drink driving arrest. There’s no doubt that going to jail will have a profound effect on Paris Hilton’s life; not only will a taste of the US penal system quickly make Paris Hilton realise that she needs to commit herself to acting with the utmost responsibility and treating everyone she meets with a new-found respect, but also – after 23 days of solidly benchpressing 220lb dumbbell’s in the prison gym – Paris Hilton will finally be able to become the pro wrestler she’s always dreamed of.

Paris Hilton has gone to jail, so the next time Paris Hilton says "that's hot" will presumably be when a deranged shaven-headed tattooed female murderer throws a bowl of scalding hot porridge into her face while she's queueing up for breakfast. Late last night Paris Hilton booked herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility five miles southeast of Los Angeles to begin her 23-day jail sentence for probation violation stemming from a previous drink driving arrest. There's no doubt that going to jail will have a profound effect on Paris Hilton's life; not only will a taste of the US penal system quickly make Paris Hilton realise that she needs to commit herself to acting with the utmost responsibility and treating everyone she meets with a new-found respect, but also - after 23 days of solidly benchpressing 220lb dumbbell's in the prison gym - Paris Hilton will finally be able to become the pro wrestler she's always dreamed of.
3 comments Read more >>>

SLACKERJACK – Nanny Mania

by Stuart Heritage

In our opinion, being a nanny must rank as one of the worst jobs in the world – you’re in charge of kids, but if they’re naughty you can’t punch them or put them up for adoption like if they were your real children. It’s an impossible situation.

And it’s that impossible situation that Nanny Mania explores. Nanny Mania is a sort of Simsy game where you have to run around cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and making sure that the kids don’t fling themselves out of upper-floor windows -all at once. As fun as Nanny Mania is – and, really, it’s a great game – it’s a bit weird to think that you can play a game all about doing menial housework tasks, especially when your own house is such a pigsty, you fat slob.

Order Nanny Mania Now

Download Nanny Mania

0 comments Read more >>>

‘Sin City 2′ Possibly Not Happening

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray has been busy working on the script for possibly the most faithful comic book adaptation ever made – an all-action, big-budget blockbuster version of Daily Mail favourite Love Is…, in which Man (Jake Gyllenhall) and Woman (Jessica Alba) engage in all sorts of preachy sentimental hijinks.

It’s gonna be huge. But – until then – if you do want to see an entirely accurate strip-to-flick transition, your best bet would be to go and hire out Robert Rodriguez’s 2005 Sin City. Enjoy the movie while it lasts, though – because chances are there isn’t going to be a follow-up.

Surprised? Don’t be. Sin City 2 was pretty much all ready to go, until Rodriguez went and buggered things up via his involvement with godawful post-modern mishmash Grindhouse – a film all with the wit, intelligence and charm of a Friday night in Wetherspoons. In Walthamstow town centre. While the football’s on.

Hecklerspray has been busy working on the script for possibly the most faithful comic book adaptation ever made - an all-action, big-budget blockbuster version of Daily Mail favourite Love Is..., in which Man (Jake Gyllenhall) and Woman (Jessica Alba) engage in all sorts of preachy sentimental hijinks. It's gonna be huge. But - until then - if you do want to see an entirely accurate strip-to-flick transition, your best bet would be to go and hire out Robert Rodriguez's 2005 Sin City. Enjoy the movie while it lasts, though - because chances are there isn't going to be a follow-up. Surprised? Don't be. Sin City 2 was pretty much all ready to go, until Rodriguez went and buggered things up via his involvement with godawful post-modern mishmash Grindhouse - a film all with the wit, intelligence and charm of a Friday night in Wetherspoons. In Walthamstow town centre. While the football's on.
6 comments Read more >>>

Hugh Grant Escapes Charges For Berserk Bean Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Hugh Grant is a lucky chap – not only does he have his rakish good looks, cut-glass accent and range of three facial expressions to his name, but he also doesn’t get charged when he hurls Tupperware containers of baked beans at photographers.

It has been reported that Hugh Grant won’t face any charges following claims that he angrily flung a tub of baked beans at a photographer before running up to him and kicking him near his home last month. The official word from the Crown Prosecution Service is that there’s insufficient evidence to bring Hugh Grant down following his manic bean attack, although word on the street says that Hugh Grant wasn’t charged because a formal charge doesn’t exist for humourless posho ninnies who decant tinned foodstuffs into Tupperware tubs and then lob them at people who take pictures for a living.

Hugh Grant is a lucky chap - not only does he have his rakish good looks, cut-glass accent and range of three facial expressions to his name, but he also doesn't get charged when he hurls Tupperware containers of baked beans at photographers. It has been reported that Hugh Grant won't face any charges following claims that he angrily flung a tub of baked beans at a photographer before running up to him and kicking him near his home last month. The official word from the Crown Prosecution Service is that there's insufficient evidence to bring Hugh Grant down following his manic bean attack, although word on the street says that Hugh Grant wasn't charged because a formal charge doesn't exist for humourless posho ninnies who decant tinned foodstuffs into Tupperware tubs and then lob them at people who take pictures for a living.
1 comment Read more >>>

Come And Join The Hecklerspray Facebook Group

by Stuart Heritage

Facebook is the newish social networking phenomenon that’s sweeping the parts of the world that wants to leave all sorts of important information about itself lying around on the internet for everyone to see.

And now hecklerspray’s a part of Facebook too – whoopy doo. Just like you came in your droves when the hecklerspray MySpace page was created, now we’re inviting you to join the Facebook group entitled Hecklerspray Am Best. Why the pissing flip would you ever want to do that, you ask? Well, for a start you can engage the readers and writers of hecklerspray in all sorts of discussions – like the super current one about Naomi Campbell beating Pete Doherty in a fight that only exists in a handful of people’s brains.

Not only that, but you can also sneakily look at the friends lists of other Hecklerspray Am Best group members, giving you unprecedented access to the faces of up to three of one of hecklerspray’s cousins. And not only that, you can become friends with the hecklerspray writers* and really feel like you’re very chummy with us even though the only real interaction that we’ll ever have is a couple of mouseclicks at best. How could you possibly say no? Join us.

Sign up for the Hecklerspray Am Best Facebook group now

*Anyone who does this must agree to have “I am hecklerspray’s bitch” as the answer to how we know each other.

Facebook is the newish social networking phenomenon that's sweeping the parts of the world that wants to leave all sorts of important information about itself lying around on the internet for everyone to see. And now hecklerspray's a part of Facebook too - whoopy doo. Just like you came in your droves when the hecklerspray MySpace page was created, now we're inviting you to join the Facebook group entitled Hecklerspray Am Best. Why the pissing flip would you ever want to do that, you ask? Well, for a start you can engage the readers and writers of hecklerspray in all sorts of discussions - like the super current one about Naomi Campbell beating Pete Doherty in a fight that only exists in a handful of people's brains. Not only that, but you can also sneakily look at the friends lists of other Hecklerspray Am Best group members, giving you unprecedented access to the faces of up to three of one of hecklerspray's cousins. And not only that, you can become friends with the hecklerspray writers* and really feel like you're very chummy with us even though the only real interaction that we'll ever have is a couple of mouseclicks at best. How could you possibly say no? Join us. Sign up for the Hecklerspray Am Best Facebook group now *Anyone who does this must agree to have "I am hecklerspray's bitch" as the answer to how we know each other.
0 comments Read more >>>

Big Brother Betting Odds 2007: Ziggy In, Shabnam To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

What an anticlimax – Big Brother could have found so many ways to introduce a man into the all-female Big Brother house, but instead a vaguely handsome man got routinely slung in and the whole thing got padded out for 90 bloody minutes.

Think of what Big Brother could have done – the first male housemate could have been desperately ugly or gay or married or a male impersonator or a goat with a painted-on moustache but no – instead we’ve got Ziggy, possibly the most blandly self-satisfied tit in all of Big Brother history, which is really saying something. How will Ziggy’s arrival alter the dynamics of the Big Brother house? You know, unless it involves three gallons of petrol, a length or rope, a flamethrower and those awful shrieking twins, we’re not even sure that we care.

But anyway, here’s the first part of this week’s Big Brother betting odds to win – for Charley, Shabnam, Lesley and Emily – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

What an anticlimax - Big Brother could have found so many ways to introduce a man into the all-female Big Brother house, but instead a vaguely handsome man got routinely slung in and the whole thing got padded out for 90 bloody minutes. Think of what Big Brother could have done - the first male housemate could have been desperately ugly or gay or married or a male impersonator or a goat with a painted-on moustache but no - instead we've got Ziggy, possibly the most blandly self-satisfied tit in all of Big Brother history, which is really saying something. How will Ziggy's arrival alter the dynamics of the Big Brother house? You know, unless it involves three gallons of petrol, a length or rope, a flamethrower and those awful shrieking twins, we're not even sure that we care. But anyway, here's the first part of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Charley, Shabnam, Lesley and Emily - with betting odds from Paddy Power...
0 comments Read more >>>

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Didn’t Angela Rippon used to present a quiz on BBC1?

Folded:

* 28 Weeks Later (playing at most cinemas if you don’t fancy Johnny Depp. Better than the original)

* Those Orange cinema ads with the guy who looks like Kevin Spacey (still funny, even when you’re sitting next to a couple of arty-looking students pretending not to laugh)

* Empire magazine’s ‘30 covers for 30 years of Star Wars’ promotion (it’s our job to be cynical, but it’s also our job to act like children. Besides, nobody’s making you buy them)

* Big Brother (Great, new people to laugh at. Girls)

* No Country For Old Men (a big hit at Cannes. Coen Brothers: about time, guys. And Josh Brolin, too. Winner)

Creased:

* Gordon Ramsay’s deadpan voiceover on the recipe section of The F-Word (in this most bizarre of shows, Ramsey ANNOUNCING the name of each ingredient used in his concoctions takes the fifth dimension biscuit. CHILLI… sprinkle liberally. ARTICHOKE… stuff with pimento. ORANGE… and so on)

* Calvin Harris: The Girls (watch the video. This guy loves himself so much, it’s a wonder he even knows there are any girls in the room)

* Trailer for Rambo 4 that’s been floating round Aint it Cool.com for the past couple of weeks (instantly it’s fun, but a whole two hours of steroid action and heads falling off? No, ta)

* Big Brother (Great. People. Lots of ‘em)

Didn’t Angela Rippon used to present a quiz on BBC1? Folded: * 28 Weeks Later (playing at most cinemas if you don't fancy Johnny Depp. Better than the original) * Those Orange cinema ads with the guy who looks like Kevin Spacey (still funny, even when you’re sitting next to a couple of arty-looking students pretending not to laugh) * Empire magazine’s ‘30 covers for 30 years of Star Wars’ promotion (it’s our job to be cynical, but it’s also our job to act like children. Besides, nobody’s making you buy them) * Big Brother (Great, new people to laugh at. Girls) * No Country For Old Men (a big hit at Cannes. Coen Brothers: about time, guys. And Josh Brolin, too. Winner) Creased: * Gordon Ramsay’s deadpan voiceover on the recipe section of The F-Word (in this most bizarre of shows, Ramsey ANNOUNCING the name of each ingredient used in his concoctions takes the fifth dimension biscuit. CHILLI… sprinkle liberally. ARTICHOKE… stuff with pimento. ORANGE… and so on) * Calvin Harris: The Girls (watch the video. This guy loves himself so much, it’s a wonder he even knows there are any girls in the room) * Trailer for Rambo 4 that’s been floating round Aint it Cool.com for the past couple of weeks (instantly it’s fun, but a whole two hours of steroid action and heads falling off? No, ta) * Big Brother (Great. People. Lots of 'em)
0 comments Read more >>>

CD Review – The Voices, The Sound Of Young America

by Stuart Heritage

Shows what we know – we always the thought that the sound of young America involved guns, hip-hop and spattery poo noises that come from only ever eating cheese that comes out of a can, but we’re very clearly wrong.

Because Port Talbot three-piece The Voices are about to release their new album Sounds Of Young America and, if their record is anything to go by, the sound of young America is pretty much My Bloody Valentine. Well, we say ‘pretty much’ but we mean ‘identical to’ since that what the album actually sounds like. Still, The Sound Of Young America by The Voices seems to be the closest thing we’ll ever get to a new My Bloody Valentine album, so the least we can do is have a look-see inside.

0 comments Read more >>>

Another Audrey Hepburn Dress Flogged Off

by Stuart Heritage

It was recently scientifically proved that there has never been a woman in the history of planet Earth that, at some point in their lives, didn’t want to be Audrey Hepburn, including people who died before Audrey Hepburn was even born.

It’s Audrey Hepburn’s enduring appeal that has ensured that people are still prepared to fork over vast craploads of money for dresses that Audrey Hepburn wore in her films. This week the pink dress that Audrey Hepburn wore in the part of Breakfast At Tiffany’s when she realises that her brother died was auctioned off for $192,000 – more than six times what anyone expected. It just goes to show, you can’t buy class. But you can buy a dead lady’s clothes for moronic sums of money because she was in a film where she played a character who was cartoonishly classy once.

It was recently scientifically proved that there has never been a woman in the history of planet Earth that, at some point in their lives, didn't want to be Audrey Hepburn, including people who died before Audrey Hepburn was even born. It's Audrey Hepburn's enduring appeal that has ensured that people are still prepared to fork over vast craploads of money for dresses that Audrey Hepburn wore in her films. This week the pink dress that Audrey Hepburn wore in the part of Breakfast At Tiffany's when she realises that her brother died was auctioned off for $192,000 - more than six times what anyone expected. It just goes to show, you can't buy class. But you can buy a dead lady's clothes for moronic sums of money because she was in a film where she played a character who was cartoonishly classy once.
0 comments Read more >>>

MySpace Trawl – Four Tet

by Matthew Laidlow

Over the god knows how long we’ve been shoving decent music in your direction guiding you away from Girls Aloud and all that other crap you secretly like, we’ve come to realise that we keep on mentioning a certain artist.

Actually that’s a lie, and we seem to mention him an awful lot. But only because we admire the skills this man has. It’s kind of non-complicated, but for the more stupid, Four Tet doesn’t just record under one name. Instead he has worked with two other musical legends in the band Fridge who are soon to make a comeback and, more recently, he has been collaborating with the drumming master Steve Reid. So why are we so giddy with excitement like school children about one person?

0 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →