From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Paris Hilton ‘Doing Well’: Prison Panic Attack Still To Emerge

by Stuart Heritage

Paris Hilton’s lawyer has said that his newly banged-up client is “doing well” in jail so far, by which we’re taking to mean that only one of her lungs has been punctured by an institutionalised violent offender wielding a razor blade in a toothbrush.

Now that Paris Hilton has started her 23-day jail sentence for violating her probation after being arrested for drink-driving, certain details have started to emerge. As well as the worryingly vague “doing well” quote, we’ve also discovered that Paris Hilton was “focused and cooperative” when she checked into jail, that Paris Hilton’s first meal was cereal and bread and that several of Paris Hilton’s fellow jailbirds like to shit in their own trousers. It’s just like an episode of The Simple Life, only with more eating and being cooperative and doing well and stuff.

Paris Hilton's lawyer has said that his newly banged-up client is "doing well" in jail so far, by which we're taking to mean that only one of her lungs has been punctured by an institutionalised violent offender wielding a razor blade in a toothbrush. Now that Paris Hilton has started her 23-day jail sentence for violating her probation after being arrested for drink-driving, certain details have started to emerge. As well as the worryingly vague "doing well" quote, we've also discovered that Paris Hilton was "focused and cooperative" when she checked into jail, that Paris Hilton's first meal was cereal and bread and that several of Paris Hilton's fellow jailbirds like to shit in their own trousers. It's just like an episode of The Simple Life, only with more eating and being cooperative and doing well and stuff.
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SLACKERJACK – Boulder Basher

by Stuart Heritage

And you thought a handful of hoodies standing at the bus stop listening to Dizzee Rascal on their mobile phones made your neighbourhood rough.

The people in the village in Boulder Basher put your woes to shame. The Boulder Basher people have to worry about a constant wave of giants throwing huge boulders at their homes, which is slightly worse that the council house kids who hang around on bikes, we’re sure you’ll agree. But help is at hand – the point of Boulder Basher is to draw lines with your mouse which deflect the boulders that the giants throw. You get points for deflecting the boulders back onto the Boulder Basher giants’ heads. Boulder Basher is enormous fun, and simple to pick up, but you’ll never win his game, not in a million years.

Play Boulder Basher now

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Jarvis Cocker In ‘Doesn’t Really Like X Factor That Much’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

We’re not exactly sure why this is news, but it is so bear with us – Jarvis Cocker from Pulp and Jarvis Cocker solo career fame has sensationally lashed out at TV talent shows like X Factor for no real reason apart from the fact he doesn’t like them.

Jarvis Cocker – who once appeared on Stars In Their Eyes as Rolf Harris – has told the Radio Times that shows like X Factor depress him because they only promote personality-free warblers with no real character in their voices. Next week, Jarvis Cocker plans to give his opinion on those new £20 notes, calling them “too blue” and scoffing at all the poncey microlettering, followed by a vicious attack on internal household doors. “They’re like windows but you can’t see through them because they’re made of wood. What’s that all about?” Jarvis plans to say. Probably.

We're not exactly sure why this is news, but it is so bear with us - Jarvis Cocker from Pulp and Jarvis Cocker solo career fame has sensationally lashed out at TV talent shows like X Factor for no real reason apart from the fact he doesn't like them. Jarvis Cocker - who once appeared on Stars In Their Eyes as Rolf Harris - has told the Radio Times that shows like X Factor depress him because they only promote personality-free warblers with no real character in their voices. Next week, Jarvis Cocker plans to give his opinion on those new £20 notes, calling them "too blue" and scoffing at all the poncey microlettering, followed by a vicious attack on internal household doors. "They're like windows but you can't see through them because they're made of wood. What's that all about?" Jarvis plans to say. Probably.
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LaPaglia and Crowe Plan To Eat Football Stadium

by Chris Laverty

Or else they are planning to build one and then eat it. Or build one and play in it, precise details are unclear.

If you are unsure of exactly who this ‘LaPaglia’ fellow is, he’s that actor from TV map-reading drama Without a Trace. He’s Australian. He once wore a green leather suit (an actual proper suit, just like men who manage supermarkets wear) in the film The Client. He was slimmer then and didn’t sweat as much. Apparently he sweats so much now that his nostril hairs drip onto his lunch. The ‘Crowe’ of this story is, of course, angry man Russell Crowe. He’s from New Zealand, but calls Australia home because, well, he lives there. He’s done a few films, some good (Romper Stomper, LA Confidential, Neighbours The Movie: Viva Des Clarke), most bad (Cinderella Man, everything else). He can be a bit chubby if the mood takes him. He’s probably keeping John Culshaw in work. Occasionally he throws telecommunications devices at hotel employees. In retrospect, he helps a lot of people out.

Both these guys, Anthony LaPaglia and Russell Crowe, are financially stable. They can afford those extra spring rolls on the takeaway menu without having to scramble around under the sofa for loose change only to find nothing but a hairclip and some bellybutton fluff. They’ve got money. What they enjoy doing with that money is their business. Or it’s our business when we get wind of something a bit interesting, like a sports stadium for crazy Australians to run around and get drunk in.

Or else they are planning to build one and then eat it. Or build one and play in it, precise details are unclear. If you are unsure of exactly who this ‘LaPaglia’ fellow is, he’s that actor from TV map-reading drama Without a Trace. He’s Australian. He once wore a green leather suit (an actual proper suit, just like men who manage supermarkets wear) in the film The Client. He was slimmer then and didn’t sweat as much. Apparently he sweats so much now that his nostril hairs drip onto his lunch. The ‘Crowe’ of this story is, of course, angry man Russell Crowe. He’s from New Zealand, but calls Australia home because, well, he lives there. He’s done a few films, some good (Romper Stomper, LA Confidential, Neighbours The Movie: Viva Des Clarke), most bad (Cinderella Man, everything else). He can be a bit chubby if the mood takes him. He’s probably keeping John Culshaw in work. Occasionally he throws telecommunications devices at hotel employees. In retrospect, he helps a lot of people out. Both these guys, Anthony LaPaglia and Russell Crowe, are financially stable. They can afford those extra spring rolls on the takeaway menu without having to scramble around under the sofa for loose change only to find nothing but a hairclip and some bellybutton fluff. They’ve got money. What they enjoy doing with that money is their business. Or it’s our business when we get wind of something a bit interesting, like a sports stadium for crazy Australians to run around and get drunk in.
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Big Brother Betting Odds 2007: One Of The Awful Twins To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

The first week of Big Brother is usually the worst; the Big Brother highlight shows are all full of 12 idiots bellowing about themselves and you don’t really know or care who anyone is yet – it’s like being at a hecklerspray family wedding.

Slowly but surely, though, the characteristics of each Big Brother housemate are coming to the fore. So far we’ve worked out that this crop of Big Brother hopefuls include an awful old woman, another awful old woman, four awful young women who all look the same, a bunch more awful women, an awful man and a lovely fat Welsh girl. Call us us old fashioned, but that’s just the way we like it. Don’t forget to place a Big Brother bet while the show is still young, will you? Not only are the odds for each housemate much longer than they will be in a couple of months, but you can also get a free £10 bet at the moment. And if that won’t sweeten the experience of spending 14 weeks watching people you really couldn’t give a chuff about, we don’t know what will.

Here’s part two of this week’s Big Brother betting odds to win – for Amanda, Sam, Chanelle, Tracey and Nicky – with help from Paddy Power…

The first week of Big Brother is usually the worst; the Big Brother highlight shows are all full of 12 idiots bellowing about themselves and you don't really know or care who anyone is yet - it's like being at a hecklerspray family wedding. Slowly but surely, though, the characteristics of each Big Brother housemate are coming to the fore. So far we've worked out that this crop of Big Brother hopefuls include an awful old woman, another awful old woman, four awful young women who all look the same, a bunch more awful women, an awful man and a lovely fat Welsh girl. Call us us old fashioned, but that's just the way we like it. Don't forget to place a Big Brother bet while the show is still young, will you? Not only are the odds for each housemate much longer than they will be in a couple of months, but you can also get a free £10 bet at the moment. And if that won't sweeten the experience of spending 14 weeks watching people you really couldn't give a chuff about, we don't know what will. Here's part two of this week's Big Brother betting odds to win - for Amanda, Sam, Chanelle, Tracey and Nicky - with help from Paddy Power...
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Rosie O’Donnell To Publish Her Furious Paranoid Memoirs

by Stuart Heritage

By leaving a daytime TV show, Rosie O’Donnell has never been more famous – so now is exactly the right time for Rosie O’Donnell to publish her memoirs, allowing everyone to find out what really goes on inside that lovably indignant head of hers.

Rosie O’Donnell has promised at a national book convention that she’ll be publishing what she calls a memoir of the last 12 months later in the year. Although no details of Rosie’s memoirs – probably titled ARRGH! I HATE EVERYONE! – have been made clear, it seems obvious to us that the book will just be a printed version of Rosie O’Donnell’s blog, only without half as many piss-awful Cyndi Lauper videos or rambling, barely-coherent movies of Rosie O’Donnell half-heartedly mumbling along to Amy Winehouse songs. So not as fun, obviously.

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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Video Of Frankenstein-ish Two Headed Dog

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: Strange Facts/Scientific Wonders Are you in the mood to feel sad for a puppy? Yes? Then have we got a [...]

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Pirates Of The Caribbean Inevitably Wins MTV Movie Award

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a thing – have you ever men anyone that’s actually liked either of the Pirates Of The Caribbean sequels? No, us neither – but that fact didn’t stop Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest from winning an MTV Movie Award last night.

You know all about the MTV Movie Awards – they’re chosen by the fans, so you get the idea that overlong, bone-dry examinations of the state of the British monarchy following the public’s reaction to the death of a princess probably won’t be winning anything. Instead, the MTV Movie Awards are all about movies that people actually went to see – movies like Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which scooped the best movie of the year award even though a new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie is already out and every single person who ever went to see either of them basically ended up wanting to drown Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom after about ten seconds of seeing them on-screen.

Here's a thing - have you ever men anyone that's actually liked either of the Pirates Of The Caribbean sequels? No, us neither - but that fact didn't stop Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest from winning an MTV Movie Award last night. You know all about the MTV Movie Awards - they're chosen by the fans, so you get the idea that overlong, bone-dry examinations of the state of the British monarchy following the public's reaction to the death of a princess probably won't be winning anything. Instead, the MTV Movie Awards are all about movies that people actually went to see - movies like Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which scooped the best movie of the year award even though a new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie is already out and every single person who ever went to see either of them basically ended up wanting to drown Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom after about ten seconds of seeing them on-screen.
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Stewart Copeland From The Police – “We’re Shit”

by Matthew Laidlow

Hecklerspray knows tons of like totally cool and radical stuff. For example we have the knowledge of how to make the perfect bacon sandwich, use our good looks to get free takeaway food and how to kill endangered species with a handful of staples.

However, while we can’t share those secrets with you – because your head would explode through pure excitement – we are able to let slip that all these rock and roll OAPs who have reformed just to make money for their fans’ pleasure are shit. People may have left us abusive messages and severed sheep’s heads in disagreement, but now Stewart Copeland – the one from recently-reformed The Police who nobody really knows – has admitted what we all knew, that his band is shit.

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Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 Still Weekend Box Office Top Dog

by Stuart Heritage

We’ll be blowed – Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End has managed to retain top footing at the weekend box office in the face of mighty competition from a comedy starring nobody famous about how hilarious unwanted pregnancies are.

Somehow, against all odds, Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End is number one at the US weekend box office for a second week despite going head-to-head with Knocked Up, the film many people are calling the year’s funniest movie. That’s right, people actually prefer seeing a handful of preposterously attractive people dressed up as old-time sea-goers fighting expensive battles with elaborate monsters to watching a fat curly-haired man recoil in terror at the graphic sight of a baby’s head emerging from inside a woman’s reproductive system. We don’t know about you, but we’d like to see that written as a weekend box office rule of some sort.

We'll be blowed - Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End has managed to retain top footing at the weekend box office in the face of mighty competition from a comedy starring nobody famous about how hilarious unwanted pregnancies are. Somehow, against all odds, Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End is number one at the US weekend box office for a second week despite going head-to-head with Knocked Up, the film many people are calling the year's funniest movie. That's right, people actually prefer seeing a handful of preposterously attractive people dressed up as old-time sea-goers fighting expensive battles with elaborate monsters to watching a fat curly-haired man recoil in terror at the graphic sight of a baby's head emerging from inside a woman's reproductive system. We don't know about you, but we'd like to see that written as a weekend box office rule of some sort.
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