From the monthly archives:

June 2007

Disturbing Friday Fun: Short Circuit Shrine

by C J Davies

The 1980s, eh?

They were a strange old time. So strange, in fact, that we’re imagining Stuart Maconie’s retrospective face right now, waffling away about how BMX Choppers were “mental” and how the opening sequence to Knightmare “always made me hide behind the sofa! Honest!!! No, really, it did!!! Can I have my money now?”

You know what else the 1980s were good for? Films that you can now see repeated every Bank Holiday on ITV, that’s what – from The Goonies to The Princess Bride to, erm, that one with Corey Feldman where he has to learn to drive but isn’t very good at it. Platoon, we think it’s called.

King of all these mid-afternoon public holiday TV treats, however, is Short Circuit – the story of an amusing robot called Johnny Five who gets into all sorts of government-annoying scrapes. Well we say amusing. By the point – about five minutes in – you’ve seen Johnny whizz-read through another book for the millionth time, and then yabber about what he’s learned in his silly robot voice, you’ll want to douse the bastard in soapy water and watch his circuits really short.

Short Circuit, then – not the sort of movie you devote your life to. Okay, not all of us, anyway. The chaps over at this Johnny Five internet shrine would evidently seem to disagree. Best bit: check out the ‘scrapbook’ section for a full-on descent into one woman’s madness.

Someone really should call social services, shouldn’t they?

Johnny Five Obsessives

The 1980s, eh? They were a strange old time. So strange, in fact, that we're imagining Stuart Maconie's retrospective face right now, waffling away about how BMX Choppers were "mental" and how the opening sequence to Knightmare "always made me hide behind the sofa! Honest!!! No, really, it did!!! Can I have my money now?" You know what else the 1980s were good for? Films that you can now see repeated every Bank Holiday on ITV, that's what - from The Goonies to The Princess Bride to, erm, that one with Corey Feldman where he has to learn to drive but isn't very good at it. Platoon, we think it's called. King of all these mid-afternoon public holiday TV treats, however, is Short Circuit - the story of an amusing robot called Johnny Five who gets into all sorts of government-annoying scrapes. Well we say amusing. By the point - about five minutes in - you've seen Johnny whizz-read through another book for the millionth time, and then yabber about what he's learned in his silly robot voice, you'll want to douse the bastard in soapy water and watch his circuits really short. Short Circuit, then - not the sort of movie you devote your life to. Okay, not all of us, anyway. The chaps over at this Johnny Five internet shrine would evidently seem to disagree. Best bit: check out the 'scrapbook' section for a full-on descent into one woman's madness. Someone really should call social services, shouldn't they? Johnny Five Obsessives
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Bye Bye Billi

by Stuart Heritage

After the Big Brother week of excitement that saw a man wet himself, a failed sleep deprivation task, a slop-only diet and – oh, let’s say it again – a man wetting himself, the climax comes tonight with another Big Brother eviction.

Oh, one more exciting thing happened this week – Jonathan left the Big Brother house. Well, alright Jonathan didn’t leave the Big Brother house, but he certainly told Big Brother that he was leaving and then he told all the other housemates that he was leaving… and then he changed his mind and decided to stay in the Big Brother house. It’s this sort of mind-blistering excitement that just keeps us coming back to Big Brother again and again. And a professional obligation. But mainly the excitement thing.

Tonight, either Carole, Tracey or Billi will be evicted from the Big Brother house. So, since we looked at Carole and Tracey yesterday, here are the Big Brother betting odds for the eviction of Billi, with help from Paddy Power…

After the Big Brother week of excitement that saw a man wet himself, a failed sleep deprivation task, a slop-only diet and - oh, let's say it again - a man wetting himself, the climax comes tonight with another Big Brother eviction. Oh, one more exciting thing happened this week - Jonathan left the Big Brother house. Well, alright Jonathan didn't leave the Big Brother house, but he certainly told Big Brother that he was leaving and then he told all the other housemates that he was leaving... and then he changed his mind and decided to stay in the Big Brother house. It's this sort of mind-blistering excitement that just keeps us coming back to Big Brother again and again. And a professional obligation. But mainly the excitement thing. Tonight, either Carole, Tracey or Billi will be evicted from the Big Brother house. So, since we looked at Carole and Tracey yesterday, here are the Big Brother betting odds for the eviction of Billi, with help from Paddy Power...
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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Already Quite Popular

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows comes out in a matter of weeks, which is bad news for people who like to move around without gits who think they can walk and read at the same time clattering into you, but better news for others.

That group of ‘others’ is mainly made up of people who work at Bloomsbury, the British publishers of the Harry Potter books. Bloomsbury today announced that advance orders for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows are up by a staggering 17% compared to pre-orders on the previous Harry Potter book, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. Although Bloomsbury didn’t care to place a figure on the amount of advance orders it had received for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, in real terms it means that you’ll be able to annoy 17% more people by running into bookshops and quoting that hacker who claims that Hermione dies at the end of the book.

Oh yeah. Spoiler alert.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows comes out in a matter of weeks, which is bad news for people who like to move around without gits who think they can walk and read at the same time clattering into you, but better news for others. That group of 'others' is mainly made up of people who work at Bloomsbury, the British publishers of the Harry Potter books. Bloomsbury today announced that advance orders for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows are up by a staggering 17% compared to pre-orders on the previous Harry Potter book, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. Although Bloomsbury didn't care to place a figure on the amount of advance orders it had received for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, in real terms it means that you'll be able to annoy 17% more people by running into bookshops and quoting that hacker who claims that Hermione dies at the end of the book. Oh yeah. Spoiler alert.
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MySpace Trawl – The Earlies & Help She Can’t Swim

by Matthew Laidlow

Bloody hellfire! It’s a crazy two-for-one special this week on the old trawl through MySpace, where we try to claw away the spam and leave you with stuff that you would be proud to put on your fruit-based mp3 player.

This week we bring you the psychedelic sounds of The Earlies and on the reverse, a faster and angrier listen from Help She Can’t Swim. This is our rubbish apology for not having one done for last week. We’re sure that tens of you spat out your milk and pelted your PC with cookies in utter shock and disgust. We sometimes do that, but only during our special moments. Both this week’s bands are ones we’ve accidentally seen live at some point.

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Paula Abdul’s Befuddling Life Gets A Reality TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you have ever seen Paula Abdul’s bleary-eyed unintelligible meanderings on American Idol and wished you could see a show about nothing but that, your prayers have been answered – Paula Abdul now has her own reality show.

Hey Paula starts tonight on Bravo in the US and will probably make it over here as soon as the channel has cleared space between Porn Week and old episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter. Anyway, the first episode of Hey Paula deals with Paula Abdul trying to stop her dogs from eating a pile of priceless diamonds or something, and it’s hoped that later episodes will focus on Paula Abdul’s chronic back pain, Paula Abdul’s confusing behaviour in interviews and the time that Paula Abdul kept repeatedly trying to walk through a closed patio door for half an hour before breaking down and wondering why the voices in her head had created a forcefield stopping her from entering her own house.

If any of you have ever seen Paula Abdul's bleary-eyed unintelligible meanderings on American Idol and wished you could see a show about nothing but that, your prayers have been answered - Paula Abdul now has her own reality show. Hey Paula starts tonight on Bravo in the US and will probably make it over here as soon as the channel has cleared space between Porn Week and old episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter. Anyway, the first episode of Hey Paula deals with Paula Abdul trying to stop her dogs from eating a pile of priceless diamonds or something, and it's hoped that later episodes will focus on Paula Abdul's chronic back pain, Paula Abdul's confusing behaviour in interviews and the time that Paula Abdul kept repeatedly trying to walk through a closed patio door for half an hour before breaking down and wondering why the voices in her head had created a forcefield stopping her from entering her own house.
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Phil Spector Murder Trial: Lana Clarkson Possibly Depressed

by Stuart Heritage

The Phil Spector murder trial is now focusing on the mental health of Lana Clarkson – probably a good thing, since most healthy-minded women wouldn’t have wanted to suck off a kooky old man in a bizarre lesbian wig, as Lana supposedly did.

Again, as on Monday, the Phil Spector murder trial revolved around the testimony of Vincent DiMaio, a forensics expert who Phil Spector is paying $400 an hour. As part of Phil Spector’s defence, DiMaio yesterday continued to push the theory that Lana Clarkson killed herself, as opposed to Phil Spector doing it for her. As well as detailing her depression – and her struggles with alcohol and drugs – DiMaio also decided to describe exactly what happens to your tongue when you shoot yourself in the mouth, with the aid of a rubber tongue. Needless to say, it’s put us right off the idea of ever shooting ourselves in the mouth. Or sucking off Phil Spector, for that matter.

The Phil Spector murder trial is now focusing on the mental health of Lana Clarkson - probably a good thing, since most healthy-minded women wouldn't have wanted to suck off a kooky old man in a bizarre lesbian wig, as Lana supposedly did. Again, as on Monday, the Phil Spector murder trial revolved around the testimony of Vincent DiMaio, a forensics expert who Phil Spector is paying $400 an hour. As part of Phil Spector's defence, DiMaio yesterday continued to push the theory that Lana Clarkson killed herself, as opposed to Phil Spector doing it for her. As well as detailing her depression - and her struggles with alcohol and drugs - DiMaio also decided to describe exactly what happens to your tongue when you shoot yourself in the mouth, with the aid of a rubber tongue. Needless to say, it's put us right off the idea of ever shooting ourselves in the mouth. Or sucking off Phil Spector, for that matter.
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Paris Hilton Vs Larry King: The Boring, Somewhat Vague Findings

by Stuart Heritage

Paris Hilton being interviewed by Larry King was a must-see event, as the world eagerly awaited the formless jail-time mumblings of a famously stupid woman when probed by a man who can’t even tell Ringo Starr from George Harrison.

And the Paris Hilton Larry King interview didn’t disappoint. Well, OK, the Paris Hilton Larry King interview didn’t disappoint so long as your expectations were so low that you generally get excited when someone waves a sheet of shiny paper around for you. In fact, the Paris Hilton Larry King interview was so vague and completely unrevelatory about Paris Hilton’s time in jail that the shiny paper option would have probably been more insightful. But still, let’s not be too hard on the interview; without it, we may never have learnt that Paris Hilton thinks that jail food is “horrible.”

Paris Hilton being interviewed by Larry King was a must-see event, as the world eagerly awaited the formless jail-time mumblings of a famously stupid woman when probed by a man who can't even tell Ringo Starr from George Harrison. And the Paris Hilton Larry King interview didn't disappoint. Well, OK, the Paris Hilton Larry King interview didn't disappoint so long as your expectations were so low that you generally get excited when someone waves a sheet of shiny paper around for you. In fact, the Paris Hilton Larry King interview was so vague and completely unrevelatory about Paris Hilton's time in jail that the shiny paper option would have probably been more insightful. But still, let's not be too hard on the interview; without it, we may never have learnt that Paris Hilton thinks that jail food is "horrible."
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SLACKERJACK – Urban Sniper

by Stuart Heritage

Urban Sniper is a game for anyone who’s ever wanted to climb up on top of a big tower and start blasting away at people indiscriminately with a gun. You know, to fight crime and stuff, not to quell the screaming voices in your mind. That’d be weird.

Urban Sniper is, in all honesty, probably the best sniper game we’ve ever played. The levels are nice and simplistic, yet not so simplistic that you’ll easily grow bored of it. Urban Sniper levels include killing five people quickly, killing dogs, taking out cars and people simultaneously and shooting a man hiding behind a piano, and we don’t think it could be any more satisfying. And the best thing about Urban Sniper is that, depending on how well you do, you get alternate missions. Perfect.

Play Urban Sniper now

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Film Review: Hostel Part II

by C J Davies

God, this is rubbish.

Let’s face it: any movie which leaves you almost nostalgic for Eli Roth’s original Hostel has got some serious issues. As turgid, juvenile and derivative as the first instalment was, this rushed-out follow up makes Part One look like it had Fellini on camera and David Mamet on scripting duties.

The story? Well, we’ll cobble together what pieces we can find. Basically Hostel Part II is just a retread of the first film, in which a group of spoilt American students get tricked into staying at a resort which doubles up as a handy torture chamber – a place where rich people pay extortionate amounts of money for the pleasure of sticking power tools into screaming backpackers. The ‘twist’ this time around, however, is that our protagonists are exclusively female – meaning that Roth can play that all-important misogyny card to his heart’s content.

God, this is rubbish. Let's face it: any movie which leaves you almost nostalgic for Eli Roth's original Hostel has got some serious issues. As turgid, juvenile and derivative as the first instalment was, this rushed-out follow up makes Part One look like it had Fellini on camera and David Mamet on scripting duties. The story? Well, we'll cobble together what pieces we can find. Basically Hostel Part II is just a retread of the first film, in which a group of spoilt American students get tricked into staying at a resort which doubles up as a handy torture chamber - a place where rich people pay extortionate amounts of money for the pleasure of sticking power tools into screaming backpackers. The 'twist' this time around, however, is that our protagonists are exclusively female - meaning that Roth can play that all-important misogyny card to his heart's content.
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Spice Girls To Reform & There’s Nothing You Can Do

by Stuart Heritage

It’s probably not an overstatement to say that the Spice Girls were The Beatles of average-looking, questionably-talented, ruthlessly-marketed lowest common denominator forgettable pop music – and now the Spice Girls are back!

Well they’re not back yet, but from midday today the Spice Girls are back! All of the Spice Girls – Dumpy Spice, Depressed Spice, Uppity Spice, Overbearing Spice and Slaggy Spice – are about to hold a joint press conference in London’s O2 Arena where it’s expected that they’re going to announce the return of The Spice Girls, for one album and six concerts only. Of course, all the speculation could be wrong – the Spice Girls could just as easily be announcing that they’ve kidnapped a vanload of children and they’re going to drive it into a lake unless people start taking their solo careers seriously again – but we’ll just have to wait and see.

It's probably not an overstatement to say that the Spice Girls were The Beatles of average-looking, questionably-talented, ruthlessly-marketed lowest common denominator forgettable pop music - and now the Spice Girls are back! Well they're not back yet, but from midday today the Spice Girls are back! All of the Spice Girls - Dumpy Spice, Depressed Spice, Uppity Spice, Overbearing Spice and Slaggy Spice - are about to hold a joint press conference in London's O2 Arena where it's expected that they're going to announce the return of The Spice Girls, for one album and six concerts only. Of course, all the speculation could be wrong - the Spice Girls could just as easily be announcing that they've kidnapped a vanload of children and they're going to drive it into a lake unless people start taking their solo careers seriously again - but we'll just have to wait and see.
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