From the monthly archives:

June 2007

SLACKERJACK – Cat With Bow Golf

by Stuart Heritage

Traditionally, golf is a game played by rich old men with metal sticks and plastic balls on a lush field of grass. Historically, golf played by cats with a bow and arrow that’s attached to a length of elastic in a blue squared void with unusual physics hasn’t really caught on so much.

And that’s surprising, because Cat With Bow Golf is one of the flat-out weirdest – and thus most enjoyable – games we’ve played in an age. Cat With Bow Golf is basically golf, but you have to fire an arrow at a board instead of hit a hole with a ball. And the arrow drags you along behind it. And some of the holes are almost impossible to work out. And you’re a cat. Despite all this, though, Cat With Bow Golf had us hooked for hours, to the point where we can complete the course 20 under. It’s a score you won’t be able to beat, so don’t even bother trying.

Play Cat With Bow Golf now

Traditionally, golf is a game played by rich old men with metal sticks and plastic balls on a lush field of grass. Historically, golf played by cats with a bow and arrow that's attached to a length of elastic in a blue squared void with unusual physics hasn't really caught on so much. And that's surprising, because Cat With Bow Golf is one of the flat-out weirdest - and thus most enjoyable - games we've played in an age. Cat With Bow Golf is basically golf, but you have to fire an arrow at a board instead of hit a hole with a ball. And the arrow drags you along behind it. And some of the holes are almost impossible to work out. And you're a cat. Despite all this, though, Cat With Bow Golf had us hooked for hours, to the point where we can complete the course 20 under. It's a score you won't be able to beat, so don't even bother trying. Play Cat With Bow Golf now
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Jordan Releases New Book; Changes Literature Forever

by C J Davies

Premier figures from the world of literature were united yesterday in their praise for model-turned-writer Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan) and her spellbinding second novel.

Crystal – believed to be the most valuable insight into the human condition in the history of artistic endeavour – tells the devastatingly poignant tale of a young glamour model and her dreams of launching a ‘glitzy career.’

According to the press release, though:

…Crystal has a secret. She’s fallen for the wrong man and this one mistake could cost her everything – her friendships, her fame and her chance of ever finding love again.

The book was unveiled during a ceremony at Harrods, during which Jordan delighted the crowd with her witty ruminations on the nature of creativity, the similarity of her narrative drive to iconoclastic social commentator Don Delillo, and – on a more serious note – her political outlook with regard to the state of play in the Middle East.

Premier figures from the world of literature were united yesterday in their praise for model-turned-writer Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan) and her spellbinding second novel. Crystal - believed to be the most valuable insight into the human condition in the history of artistic endeavour - tells the devastatingly poignant tale of a young glamour model and her dreams of launching a 'glitzy career.' According to the press release, though: ...Crystal has a secret. She's fallen for the wrong man and this one mistake could cost her everything - her friendships, her fame and her chance of ever finding love again. The book was unveiled during a ceremony at Harrods, during which Jordan delighted the crowd with her witty ruminations on the nature of creativity, the similarity of her narrative drive to iconoclastic social commentator Don Delillo, and - on a more serious note - her political outlook with regard to the state of play in the Middle East.
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Channel 4 To Show Princess Diana’s Death Smash Photo Hour

by Stuart Heritage

The tenth anniversary of Princess Diana’s death is being marked in two ways: a) a concert where Rod Stewart will sing and b) a documentary explicitly showing her body mangled in a car crash – no, we don’t know which is more tasteless either.

But let’s focus on the latter, because that’s what everyone’s making such a fuss about. Tonight Channel 4 will broadcast a documentary called Diana: The Witness In The Tunnel which, as far as we’ve been able to tell, is an hour-long montage of ever-more graphic photographs of Princess Diana dying horribly in a mangled car in a Paris tunnel, set to music by Mogwai, Radiohead and the sounds of distant echoed cackling, sinister children singing nursery rhymes and loops of fairground music played backwards.

Princes William and Harry have been urging Channel 4 not to show the Princess Diana documentary – but Channel 4 has ignored them, relishing the chance to broadcast an actual car crash instead of just hours and hours of car crash TV like Big Brother for a change.

The tenth anniversary of Princess Diana's death is being marked in two ways: a) a concert where Rod Stewart will sing and b) a documentary explicitly showing her body mangled in a car crash - no, we don't know which is more tasteless either. But let's focus on the latter, because that's what everyone's making such a fuss about. Tonight Channel 4 will broadcast a documentary called Diana: The Witness In The Tunnel which, as far as we've been able to tell, is an hour-long montage of ever-more graphic photographs of Princess Diana dying horribly in a mangled car in a Paris tunnel, set to music by Mogwai, Radiohead and the sounds of distant echoed cackling, sinister children singing nursery rhymes and loops of fairground music played backwards. Princes William and Harry have been urging Channel 4 not to show the Princess Diana documentary - but Channel 4 has ignored them, relishing the chance to broadcast an actual car crash instead of just hours and hours of car crash TV like Big Brother for a change.
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Dear Dennis

by C J Davies

In which we celebrate the return of hecklerspray’s resident agony uncle Dennis Norden. Take it away, Denster…

Dear Dennis,

I sometimes wonder if there’s any point in living. I mean – seriously, take a look at the world we inhabit. Disease, corruption, injustice, famine, heartbreak… the list goes on and on. How can anybody even get up in the morning when they suffer the innate knowledge that our planet is essentially a meaningless bauble, churning through space in a miasma of hellish nothingness?

My wife has suggested that I may be sick… that I should possibly see a doctor, or seek counselling. But I don’t know. Sometimes it just seems more tempting to throw myself off a cliff, blissfully letting the pain soar out of me as I shatter on the jagged rocks below.

Can you help me? Please? Is there anything that you can say that could encourage me within my darkest hour?

Simon, Gloucester

Dennis replies:

Victoria Wood there, having a few problems with her piano – proof, if proof be needed, that even the most consummate professionals often have trouble with their toolbox! Now, just take a look at this howler from EastEnders, in which grand old lady of the square Dot Cotton discovers that – just when you think things are going well – there’s nearly always a drink just waiting to be spilled!

Do you have any problems you’d like Dennis’s advice on? You know where to send ‘em…

In which we celebrate the return of hecklerspray's resident agony uncle Dennis Norden. Take it away, Denster... Dear Dennis, I sometimes wonder if there's any point in living. I mean - seriously, take a look at the world we inhabit. Disease, corruption, injustice, famine, heartbreak... the list goes on and on. How can anybody even get up in the morning when they suffer the innate knowledge that our planet is essentially a meaningless bauble, churning through space in a miasma of hellish nothingness? My wife has suggested that I may be sick... that I should possibly see a doctor, or seek counselling. But I don't know. Sometimes it just seems more tempting to throw myself off a cliff, blissfully letting the pain soar out of me as I shatter on the jagged rocks below. Can you help me? Please? Is there anything that you can say that could encourage me within my darkest hour? Simon, Gloucester Dennis replies: Victoria Wood there, having a few problems with her piano - proof, if proof be needed, that even the most consummate professionals often have trouble with their toolbox! Now, just take a look at this howler from EastEnders, in which grand old lady of the square Dot Cotton discovers that - just when you think things are going well - there's nearly always a drink just waiting to be spilled! Do you have any problems you'd like Dennis's advice on? You know where to send 'em...
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Big Brother Betting Odds: No Bathroom, Ziggy To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

It didn’t take long for the first Big Brother housemate to break a rule. Shabnam has been discussing nominations and, as a result, Big Brother has banned everyone from the bathroom until further notice – so until someone gets their boobs out, then.

And having no bathroom sparked off another giant Big Brother fight, with Emily and Chanelle screaming at each other about a hair straightener. If you haven’t seen the fight yet, trust us – it was every bit as thrilling as a fight between a boggle-headed right-wing posho who thinks she’s cleverer than she is and the world’s least interesting dullard promised to be. Also, yesterday saw Ziggy make the first Big Brother nominations of the series. Which Big Brother housemates did he put up for eviction of Friday? We haven’t got a titting clue, but we’ll have the appropriate betting odds as soon as he does.

Until then, though, you’ll have to make do with the final batch of Big Brother betting odds to win for the week – for Laura, Carole, Ziggy and Anyone Else – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

It didn't take long for the first Big Brother housemate to break a rule. Shabnam has been discussing nominations and, as a result, Big Brother has banned everyone from the bathroom until further notice - so until someone gets their boobs out, then. And having no bathroom sparked off another giant Big Brother fight, with Emily and Chanelle screaming at each other about a hair straightener. If you haven't seen the fight yet, trust us - it was every bit as thrilling as a fight between a boggle-headed right-wing posho who thinks she's cleverer than she is and the world's least interesting dullard promised to be. Also, yesterday saw Ziggy make the first Big Brother nominations of the series. Which Big Brother housemates did he put up for eviction of Friday? We haven't got a titting clue, but we'll have the appropriate betting odds as soon as he does. Until then, though, you'll have to make do with the final batch of Big Brother betting odds to win for the week - for Laura, Carole, Ziggy and Anyone Else - with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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Saw: The Needlessly Gory Videogame – Coming Soon

by Stuart Heritage

Pretty much without exception, every single videogame that’s ever been based on a film or TV show has been utter cock – from Hudson Hawk on the Amiga to Family Guy on the PS2 – but nobody appears to have informed Brash Entertainment.

Brash Entertainment is a new private equity-backed videogame publisher that will focus solely on making games based on existing movies and TV shows. Already a risky move for the reason we outlined above, Brash Entertainment is making things even harder for itself by announcing that one of the first videogames it will publish will be based on the Saw franchise. No details about the Saw videogame have been announced yet, so we don’t know if you’ll get to play as a man slowly drowning in the putrefied remains of liquid pigs or a man who has to pull his own jaw off in a bath of acid before he explodes.

Pretty much without exception, every single videogame that's ever been based on a film or TV show has been utter cock - from Hudson Hawk on the Amiga to Family Guy on the PS2 - but nobody appears to have informed Brash Entertainment. Brash Entertainment is a new private equity-backed videogame publisher that will focus solely on making games based on existing movies and TV shows. Already a risky move for the reason we outlined above, Brash Entertainment is making things even harder for itself by announcing that one of the first videogames it will publish will be based on the Saw franchise. No details about the Saw videogame have been announced yet, so we don't know if you'll get to play as a man slowly drowning in the putrefied remains of liquid pigs or a man who has to pull his own jaw off in a bath of acid before he explodes.
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The Game Charged With Waggling A Gun Around

by Stuart Heritage

The Game – the rapper whose career has floundered because he chose a stupidly indistinct name that just confused people – might just be spending the next five years in jail now that he’s been charged with threatening to kill a man with a gun.

The Game – the rapper The Game, not the Michael Douglas film The Game – has been formally charged by Los Angeles authorities with making a criminal threat and possession of a firearm in a school zone after an incident in February where he apparently pulled a gun on a competitor during a basketball match. If The Game’s predicament is difficult for you to envision, the events surrounding his arrest are basically the opening credits of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air although, instead of amusingly spraying paint into his armpits and going off to live with wealthy members of his extended family in an upscale Los Angeles community, The Game pulled a gun out of his car, threatened to kill a man with it and then got arrested. Apart from that, though, identical.

The Game - the rapper whose career has floundered because he chose a stupidly indistinct name that just confused people - might just be spending the next five years in jail now that he's been charged with threatening to kill a man with a gun. The Game - the rapper The Game, not the Michael Douglas film The Game - has been formally charged by Los Angeles authorities with making a criminal threat and possession of a firearm in a school zone after an incident in February where he apparently pulled a gun on a competitor during a basketball match. If The Game's predicament is difficult for you to envision, the events surrounding his arrest are basically the opening credits of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air although, instead of amusingly spraying paint into his armpits and going off to live with wealthy members of his extended family in an upscale Los Angeles community, The Game pulled a gun out of his car, threatened to kill a man with it and then got arrested. Apart from that, though, identical.
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Phil Spector Trial: Clarkson’s Crazy Diaries Not That Crazy

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re an actress who died of a gunshot wound under mysterious circumstances, the last thing you’d want would be for people to find the diary where you explained how you were visited by the ghost of an actress who shot herself in the head.

But last week that’s what Phil Spector’s defence team said it had, and promptly asked the judge if it could use the diary as evidence to prove that Lana Clarkson committed suicide instead of getting shot in the face by Phil Spector. However, now the judge has read the diary for himself, it turns out that Lana Clarkson didn’t see a vision of an actress who died the exact same way she did, but she saw a shadow move across a window or something instead. And, since the shadow wasn’t tiny, didn’t have a lesbian haircut and didn’t produce River Deep Mountain High, the judge has decided that it can’t be used as evidence.

If you're an actress who died of a gunshot wound under mysterious circumstances, the last thing you'd want would be for people to find the diary where you explained how you were visited by the ghost of an actress who shot herself in the head. But last week that's what Phil Spector's defence team said it had, and promptly asked the judge if it could use the diary as evidence to prove that Lana Clarkson committed suicide instead of getting shot in the face by Phil Spector. However, now the judge has read the diary for himself, it turns out that Lana Clarkson didn't see a vision of an actress who died the exact same way she did, but she saw a shadow move across a window or something instead. And, since the shadow wasn't tiny, didn't have a lesbian haircut and didn't produce River Deep Mountain High, the judge has decided that it can't be used as evidence.
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Pamela Anderson In Vegas Magic Show, But Still Hasn’t Disappeared

by hecklerspray staff

We’re having quite the internal struggle. Not the kind of lactose intolerant internal struggle we just now experienced after eating a carton of Cherry Garcia with a chocolate milk chaser, but an equally arduous internal struggle. We can’t decide who we love more, Pamela Anderson or David Hasselhoff.

On one hand you have Pamela Lee Rock Anderson, one of pop culture’s earliest and most successful examples of surgically-enhanced blonde bombshells becoming ridiculously famous without a smidge of respectable talent. On the other hand you have David “The (self-proclaimed) Hoff” Hasselhoff, a man who befriended a talking car and brought us the majesty that is an ageing man running on the beach while desperately holding in his gut. Actually, we’ve struggled with this quagmire for years, but the breaking news story about Pamela Anderson really challenging herself career-wise by enjoying a stint as a showgirl in Las Vegas and The Hoff’s supportive thunder-stealing comments makes the battle for our love all the more acute.

We’re having quite the internal struggle. Not the kind of lactose intolerant internal struggle we just now experienced after eating a carton of Cherry Garcia with a chocolate milk chaser, but an equally arduous internal struggle. We can’t decide who we love more, Pamela Anderson or David Hasselhoff. On one hand you have Pamela Lee Rock Anderson, one of pop culture’s earliest and most successful examples of surgically-enhanced blonde bombshells becoming ridiculously famous without a smidge of respectable talent. On the other hand you have David “The (self-proclaimed) Hoff” Hasselhoff, a man who befriended a talking car and brought us the majesty that is an ageing man running on the beach while desperately holding in his gut. Actually, we’ve struggled with this quagmire for years, but the breaking news story about Pamela Anderson really challenging herself career-wise by enjoying a stint as a showgirl in Las Vegas and The Hoff’s supportive thunder-stealing comments makes the battle for our love all the more acute.
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Mike Tyson To Metaphorically Hump Bollywood

by Shawn Lindseth

Mike Tyson, possibly heir to the Tyson chicken empire, is a D-list celebrity at best. He used to be famous for tennis or something, but now he's just known for his alternative means of keeping the celebrity limelight directed in his general direction. Exactly where that limelight is shining from, however, doesn't seem to matter [...]

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