Posts from May, 2007

Thus far hecklerspray has legally emancipated itself from three different sets of parents. We had to though - the first ones always touched our elbows when they'd talk to us. Another set made us take all our meals at a separate, lower table, and the last pair acted happy when we gave them the macaroni necklace, but then we saw an eye roll. We were like 'C'mon! That necklace was our senior thesis!'

The point is - if your family's not working out - ditch those scumbags in legally binding ways. Or just get a job where they're not. Mary Kate Olsen just did. She totally dog-ditched her sister Ashley for a TV show about unwanted lawn growth. MK's new-found independence is quite a shock to a world still watching and re-watching the girl's 200 movies wherein they successfully find their father a new legally bound permanent humping-partner - that's how the French say 'wife.' They're a very callous peoples - very callous and very crude and we disapprove of them all.

They got it from Napoleon, who we're told lost his respect for marriage when he honeymooned with an electric lamp. Exact details are not available to us at this time.

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There was always going to be one inevitable diversion to the recent bust-up between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View - Donald Trump rolling up his sleeves and windmilling into the fray screaming insults as loudly as possible.

So thank heavens that it has finally happened. After a tense day of wondering just when exactly Donald Trump was going to offer his belligerent, finger-jabbing response to the split-screen screechfest between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View this week, Donald Trump came to the rescue late yesterday, unexpectedly deciding to back Rosie O'Donnell in the fight and making the observation that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is "one of the dumber people in television." We're torn - while it's heartwarming that Donald Trump is capable of extending an olive branch of sorts to Rosie O'Donnell, he's basically just let an opportunity to string together an hour-long tirade of fat lesbian jibes slip through his fingers, and we're not sure we can ever really forgive him for such a schoolboy error.

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It's becoming ridiculously apparent to us, thanks to Katamari Damacy, Cornelius, Polysics and Locoroco, that Japan is the greatest place on Earth - we love it dearly, and its little tiny fire engines.

And just to reinforce that point is Hoshi Saga. Hoshi Saga is one of the best games in the history of games, and that's all thanks to how to play it. Made of several microscopic mini-games, all Hoshi Saga asks you to do is find a star on each level. And that's it - but the endlessly inventive ways that you're asked to find them will be an honest to good source of joy for you. We're not going to spoil any of Hoshi Saga's secrets for you - except one. If Level 11 doesn't send you actually insane, you're way better at Hoshi Saga that we'll ever be.

Play Hoshi Saga now

Holiday

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Since Monday is a bank holiday - and thus without hecklerspray, here's a video by The Ripps for a song called Holiday. Because Monday is a holiday and the song is called Holiday. Clever huh? Anyone?

Anyway, Holiday is the new single from Long Live The Ripps, the gloriously trashy debut album by Coventry/Chile scoundrels The Ripps. Holiday isn't really the best song that The Ripps are ever going to release - it's a painfully dated Britpop song about drinking a cheeky pint in Wetherspoons - but it is called Holiday, and Monday is a bank holiday, so we're sticking up here because we're too lazy to think of anything wittier than posting a song called Holiday on a holiday. Just count yourselves lucky that bank holidays aren't called Razorlight days, or else we'd all be in trouble. 

That Keira Knightley, eh? What a fat cow. OK, so Keira Knightley isn't a fat cow really - it's just that we're scared of mentioning that Keira's a little on the skinny side in case she sues us for £3,000 and wins, just like what happened yesterday.

Back in January the Daily Mail wrote an article saying that Keira Knightley was basically a murderer because she's so skinny that young girls starve themselves to death in order to try and look like her, or something, so Keira did the only thing available to her - using her slight frame to disguise herself as a single strand of cat hair, Keira Knightley attached herself to the journalist's sweater and bit them on the tit really hard. No, that's not right. Keira Knightley sued the Daily Mail and won instead, scoring a cool £3,000 - or, as Keira prefers to call it, 751 Wicked Zinger Meals from KFC. The lardy bitch.

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When Dustin Diamond isn’t making porn films or begging us for money so he can avoid being made homeless, he apparently gets 'proper' TV work too.

Well, we say 'proper' TV work; it’s more like cameo appearances or rubbish programmes that usually make the people in them look like sad pathetic losers. Exactly what the contestants of this year's Big Brother will find out when they come out the house and scrape the barrel for any hint of TV work. Screech is currently, or possibly was - we don’t quite know - on Celebrity Fat Bastard Fit Club and made the mistake of mouthing off to his trainer Harvey. No, not the bloke from So Solid Crew. Mouthing off to someone can often lead to dodgy consequences, but when you badmouth a big pissed off black man, it can get nasty. No punches were thrown, unfortunately, but watching someone get progressively angrier and angrier while using lots of naughty swearwords directed right at someone who had a profound influence on your childhood will at least kill two minutes of your life.

Big Brother starts next week! Big Brother starts next week! Excited? No, us neither - it just means that as of next week we'll have to turn our lives over to a band of preening bell-ends for months and months even though we hate ourselves for doing so.

But, hey, at least we know what the new Big Brother house is going to look like - it'll be kerrr-azy. There's a bath in the living room! The oven's in the bedroom! The sink's slightly further away from where you'd expect it to be! What a hilarious turn of events! These new Big Brother housemates are going to have their minds blown! Or at least they would have if they hadn't let a wacky student design the house. But of course, no matter what the Big Brother producers do to the house, there'll always be at least one worse idea, and that's what we're looking at today.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Jade Goody to return, with help from Paddy Power…

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There are some things that Vernon Winfrey knows more than most about - one is haircuts, another is hacking coal out the ground and the last one is Oprah Winfrey; you'll be disappointed if you were hoping that Vernon Winfrey wrote a book about coal.

No, Vernon Winfrey has written a book about Oprah Winfrey, a subject that he's had an unusual amount of access to as her father. Normally you'd expect a book about a megastar written by one of their parents to be a gushing, glowing account of how proud they are, but not in this case - Vernon Winfrey has only just informed Oprah about the book he's written about her, probably because there's a very slight possibility that large parts of the book are ambiguously about all the boys that Oprah Winfrey used to sleep with. Or at least the one sentence that anyone's read of it is. Anyway, long story short, Oprah Winfrey's a bit annoyed.

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Thank goodness for Henry Lee - if he hadn't apparently pocketed a piece of evidence from Phil Spector's house, there's a chance that the Phil Spector murder trial would now be about actual murder instead of the really important subject: fingernails.

After hearing the testimonies of two witnesses, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has ruled that ubiquitous forensics celebrity Henry Lee did withhold a piece of fingernail-based evidence that he took from Phil Spector's mansion in the aftermath of Lana Clarkson's death. Although his punishment will not be large, this ruling may affect the future career of Henry Lee - who also worked on OJ Simpson's trial - because now celebrities will be bound to look for a different forensics expert the next time one of them goes crazy, violently murders a woman and wants it covered up. Or, alternatively, when one of them doesn't go crazy or murder anyone but is put on trial as a suspect for murder although they're eventually found to be innocent because they clearly didn't do it.

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We're starting to get the impression that if you left Rosie O'Donnell in a room with a nothing but a pile of dust, 20 minutes later Rosie O'Donnell would be bellowing abuse at the dust and rolling around the floor trying to crush all the dust in her fist.

Obviously it'd help if the dust was quite as staggeringly objectionable as Elizabeth Hasselbeck, though - because then Rosie O'Donnell and the Elizabeth Hasselbeck dust would end up having the same sort of deafeningly embarrassing 10-minute screeching argument as Rosie O'Donnell and the real Elizabeth Hasselbeck had on The View yesterday. We think the argument was about the war in Iraq, although it ended up being the kind of babbling, directionless, full-volume, split screen squabble that you normally only hear on the last train home. Needless to say, though, fans of seeing overbearing lesbians and fundamentalist right-wing bubbleheads furiously howling at each other with no clear winner on a daytime TV show - with only the magic word 'Alicia Silverstone' being used to momentarily sedate them - should totally check out the video of The View feud on the next page.

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