Posts from May, 2007

"Gee gosh-whizz" cried Teri Hatcher upon discovering her stolen credit card had been used to finance a bloody civil war in the Ukraine, "nobody knows who the fudge I am!" Guess her agent’s got a busy month ahead.

Not much in her day and now about as worthwhile as low-fat peanut butter, Teri Hatcher is one of TV’s Desperate Housewives. An entirely essential show for anyone who readily believes rich people would choose to live in the backlot of a movie studio.

Possibly the flimsiest of the housewives, and definitely the least talented (really though, Felicity Huffman is the only one who can act), poor Teri Hatcher was recently the victim of a most heinous crime. She had her credit card stolen and the thieves ran up a bill of $12,000 on their spending spree. They weren’t even the real criminals though; the real criminals were the shop assistant freaks who let the stolen card pass through their hands unnoticed. Not one of them recognised her beautiful famous name.

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Rosie O'Donnell leaving The View feels like the end of an era - a not very good era that was notable only for all the badly-informed televised fights between burly lesbians and shrill halfwits - but an era's an era and we'll take what we can get.

After an episode of The View last week saw Rosie O'Donnell and co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck engage in the sort of embarrassing screeching split-screen argument that you usually see at pikey hen nights at 3am - only about the war and not kebabs - Rosie O'Donnell left a 15-minute video message on her blog where she revealed that she's all done with The View, that she'll probably never going to talk to Elisabeth Hasselbeck again, that she's "not sorry" to be leaving the show and that, after some reflection, she's realised that the war in Iraq is probably the best thing that has ever happened to the world and she'll spend the rest of the year trying to push through new legislation to keep George Bush as the president of America until the end of time.

Of course, we're telling you a lie here. Rosie O'Donnell's video message was only 14 minutes and 32 seconds long.

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Here's a question for you: how do you tarnish the legacy of a slightly-overrated 70s slasher flick that spawned about a million dismal sequels?

hecklerspray knows the answer - you hand over the directorial reigns to a 42-year-old man who still thinks plastering yourself in tattoos and pretending to be best mates with the devil is, like, totally awesome. Step forward, then, Rob Zombie - a 'musician' and 'film-maker' whose last two projects - House Of 1000 Corpses and The Devils Rejects - were roughly about as entertaining and thought-provoking as lapping at a chemical toilet.

For those who don't know (and according to the ever-reliable Wikipedia) Rob Zombie is a cultural icon whose 'dreadlocks, gruff vocal style and fascination with horror movies have helped him become a distinctive element in American heavy metal.' In other words - he's the sort of none-too-subtle lunkhead adored by dim middle class teenagers during their 'difficult phase.'

Yeah - fuck you dad! I won't do my homework!

Anyway. Zombie has got his hands on Halloween - the story of naughty little suburban serial killer Michael Myers. Fans and critics, however, are a little bit sceptical that his remake won't quite match the standards of the original John Carpenter version.

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When Lex Luther was gonna explode all of California into the ocean to increase his slightly-east of California property value, we handled it just fine. When Magneto refuted Jean Grey's love just before she disintegrated into the netherverse, and the last thing she felt on this mortal plain was such a tremendous sadness, well, we handled that fine too.

That is how the third X-Men ended, right? We're not entirely sure because after the first gruelling 20 minutes we were too busy phone-googling ways to kill ourselves with popcorn to pay attention. Sure, walking out would have been easier, but we paid full price, dang-it!

The upcoming Fantastic Four movie, the one that apparently stars the Terminator II villain on a boogie board, well it could very well be heading down a similar path. To make matters worse, this movie's not content with simply inspiring millions to end it all. Rather, it wants to drag down the entire US monetary system with it - and that's why the Silver Surfer now appears on the flip side of lots and lots of real quarters - without the U.S. Mint's permission.

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Lindsay Lohan sure knows how to party, and by 'party' we mean 'possibly ingest enough cocaine and alcohol for her to plough her car into a shrub, then drive off, then get arrested and then end up in rehab for the second time in a matter of months'.

Following her arrest for driving under the influence after she crashed a car containing a usable amount of a substance believed to be cocaine in it this weekend, it appears that Lindsay Lohan has taken the smart move of re-entering rehab to sort out her problems. We're no rehab experts, but there's a chance that Lindsay Lohan's problems include a) drinking too much, b) taking too many drugs, c) being in so many movies about magical cars that she thinks they won't career off the road and plough into a bunch of shrubs after she's apparently consumed too much cocaine and alcohol to be able to drive them properly and d) being a bit of a wanker. It's thought that the rehab staff are confident that they'll help with the first three of Lindsay Lohan's problems, but are shying away from the fourth because they're not effing magicians.

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It's not been long since Donald Trump, appalled at NBC's decision to actually spend some time thinking about whether to recommission The Apprentice, sensationally quit the show in an explosion of finger-jabbing and weird-hairing.

So how will you remember Donald Trump in The Apprentice? Simple, by playing The Apprentice LA. In The Apprentice LA, a semi-recognisable picture of Donald Trump bellows at you to do many of the tasks seen within the TV show - the usual sorts of businessy crap - and then take to the boardroom to battle it out with whatever virtual retards you've been up against. The Apprentice LA is surprisingly fun, and it's already better than the game based on the British Apprentice, which doesn't even exist because Katie's frighteningly dead eyes would freak the balls off anyone watching. And following the game you'd be presented with a spin-off game fronted by Adrian Chiles that shows you things you've literally just seen a minute ago while Jane Moore off The Sun shouts opinions at you. It'd be shit, basically.

Order The Apprentice LA Now 

Download The Apprentice LA

There are two main things separating the first Maximo Park album from Our Earthly Pleasures, Maximo Park's newest album.

Firstly, their debut saw the Maximo Park singer cover up what we suspect to be a nasty case of male pattern baldness with a weird Adolf Hitler haircut, whereas for Our Earthly Pleasures he's wisely decided to employ a hat. Secondly, Our Earthly Pleasures is basically the sound of Maximo Park screaming "MAKE US FAMOUS IN AMERICA" a million times louder than on A Certain Trigger. This new attitude can be seen on songs like new single Books From Boxes. Books From Boxes is the sort of mid-tempo semi-anthem that only exist to try and convince people that the person who wrote it is clever and deep and emotionally mature. Sadly, we're none of these things, so we're not that fond of Books From Boxes - a fact that Maximo Park have already noticed and will try to remedy on their next album, the tentatively-titled Barry Done A Big Guff In The Shop And Some Went Up My Nose And I Cried - but here's the Books From Boxes video for you to make up your own mind, anyway.

The Teletubbies have proved to be remarkable educators of children around the world over the years; without them, kids wouldn't be able to mispronounce the word 'custard' or call a hoover a 'noo noo' even though it's obviously a sodding hoover.

But if the Polish government are to be believed, the Teletubbies also harbour a ghastly secret lesson - the lesson about how to be gay. The Polish government-appointed children's TV watchdog Ewa Sowinska is asking psychologists to analyse the behaviour of Tinky Winky - the purple Teletubby - because she's concerned that Tinky Winky walking about with a handbag might make him a homosexual, heightening fears that all Teletubbies-watching Polish children will grow up to be gay. In related news, another Polish watchdog has launched an investigation into the possibility of Teletubbies turning all Polish children into fat, field-dwelling monsters who can't enunciate, have television sets surgically implanted into their abdomens and worship giggling God-babies that live in the sun. 

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It's that time of year again. Come Wednesday evening, nothing - nothing - will seem more important to the great British public than watching a bunch of semi-literate dullards take their clothes off and fight every now and then.

Big Brother 8 is coming.

As is tradition by now - well, tradition in that we did it last year, and are probably going to continue doing it through the 70,000 remaining seasons of the bastard thing - hecklerspray has dug deep into our culturally-clued-up, media-savvy well and emerged with a set of sparkling predictions as to what will take place in the House O' Idiocy this time around.

We already know that there's a skate ramp in the back garden - officially the most exciting news in the history of the known universe. But what else will be happening in Big Brother this year? Let's take a look into our crystal ball…

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Season eight of Big Brother starts tomorrow night, and we literally couldn't be more excited. Sorry, that was a typo - we literally couldn't be excited is what we meant to say first time.

By tomorrow we'll have realised that all the traditional pre-Big Brother tabloid froth about bisexual nymphomaniacs will be traditionally wrong, and the actual Big Brother housemates will be the same group of emotionally-backwards nobsacks that they always are. Also, we'll have realised that, try as we might, we'll end up getting sucked into the whole bloody thing even though staring at gravel is usually a more fulfilling pursuit. But anyway, here's our almost-last batch of pre-series Big Brother betting odds. Enjoy, for the idiots enter the house soon.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for a foreign exchange, with help from Paddy Power…

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Lotta music this week.

Folded:

• Zodiac (but you’ve gotta really love David Fincher)

• Sophie Ellis-Bextor in her Me and My Imagination video (the beguiling alien waif looks fit, but she can’t dance with those giant oversized limbs of hers to save her life. Cheer-you-up comical)

• Commodore gaming PCs (just because most of the cool kids had one back in the day)

• Tiga (infectious retro beats actually worth turning your stereo up for. They don’t go shit)

• A History of Violence on DVD (another old one we’ve caught up on. If you love David Cronenberg you will adore this. If you don’t love Cronenberg get yourself a copy of Scanners sharpish)

Creased:

• “Yes, Sir Alan” (we know he is ‘Sir Alan’ and that The Apprentice contestants are probably advised to address him in this way, but it doesn’t diminish the cringe factor every time they do so)

• Mark Ronson (the still-buzzing hysteria over this pleb is bewildering)

• That new Booty Luv song everyone keeps banging on about (just sounds like a less soulful version of Stonebridge’s Freak On. Really don’t know what all the jizzing is about)

• Ruth Badger (by [un]popular demand. Makes lesbianism look about as enticing as actual badger sex)

• Camping (just when it seems like a good idea it pours with rain and you want to fuck off to a hotel)