Posts from May, 2007

Hey kids, do you live near Orlando and really really love Harry Potter so much that you'd be willing to stand in line for upwards of two hours in order to ride a 45-second rollercoaster just because it's got a picture of Harry Potter on the front?

You would? Well that's great because by 2009 the world's first Harry Potter theme park will open in Orlando, Florida. The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter - we're not making this up, promise - is a joint creation of Warner Bros Entertainment and Universal Orlando Resort, and promises to provide Harry Potter fans with "an immersive Harry Potter themed environment." It's unclear what form The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter theme park will take, although it's expected that at 12pm, 3pm and 6pm daily, there'll be some sort of parade where JK Rowling rolls about cackling on top of a solid gold limo with her pockets stuffed with money, jewels and priceless pieces of art that she'll use to light her cigars with.

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It was looking to be a bad week for Phil Spector, thanks to a coroner more or less saying that Phil Spector must have killed Lana Clarkson, so thank heavens that the coroner doesn't even know who was holding the gun when it killed her.

As everyone suspected, Phil Spector's defence team leapt into action yesterday to try and demolish the earlier claims made by coroner Louis Pena. And it was an impressive showing too - Phil Spector's defence latched onto the fact that nobody knows who shot who and that the coroner's investigation was filled with blunder after blunder that has managed to cloud the evidence with all sorts of confusion. And, to make Phil Spector's day even better, the court was full of people putting things into their mouths to replicate Phil Spector's gun, so the ensuing blowjob jobs would overshadow all that crap about his lesbian wig.

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Is it just us, or does everyone else think that all Lindsay Lohan movies ever would be vastly improved if the Lindsay Lohan character started violently slashing away at her wrists with a large knife at inopportune moments? Just us?

Actually it doesn't matter that Freaky Friday didn't feature a startling wrist-slashing scene because Star magazine is reporting that Lindsay Lohan's real life has been peppered with all kinds of faintly disturbing suicide attempts recently, culminating in Lindsay Lohan's possibly drug-fuelled car crash and rehab re-entry this weekend. Needless to say, if any of these reported Lindsay Lohan suicide attempts had been successful, the loss felt in the entertainment world would have been profound - especially in the under-represented 'magical cars who wink with their headlights, can somehow beat the basic laws of physics and become sexually attracted at the sight of other cars' community.

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Just before the dawn of civilisation, Los Angeles was a near-desolate place inhabited entirely by cliff-dwellers. The land wasn't fertile, you see, but on the soil-rich cliff walls the peoples could grow thick lush batches of life-giving maize. It was this maize upon which they founded their economy. That's why to this very day a blue bundle of corn appears on the back-side of the Orange County dollar bill.

But Los Angeles isn't just known for its ancient inhabitants - no! It's also known for modern-day movie stuff and humour. Take the Laugh Factory for instance. It's a terrific West Hollywood comedy club known to enslave comedians for lengthy periods of time, and subjugating them to all sorts of unwanted medical tests.

We said comedians (plural) up there, but technically we're only aware of one - Jon Lovitz. He just signed himself over to the Factory every single Wednesday night for the rest of his life. Rumour has it Subway's Jared has been offered a similar deal.

That restaurant's a real talent scout. Boy Howdy!

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By and large, beauty contests are such an embarrassing anachronism that it's hard to get even the slightest bit excited about them - unless, of course, Miss USA falls over and everyone gets to boo her, in which case beauty contests are kinda fun.

We're referring to Monday's Miss Universe competition, of course. Where usually a Miss Universe competition is an excuse for the world's most dumbly pretty bubbleheads to trot up and down a walkway and pretend that they've ever had a single thought that wasn't exclusively about themselves in an attempt to win a big piece of ribbon, this year things were different. That's because this year Rachel Smith, America's contestant in Miss Universe, fell over and was then booed relentlessly when she had to try and address the Mexican audience. The Miss Universe booing incident is now being played off as a political matter, based on the USA's draconian immigration policy - but that's missing the real point here.

The real point, should you need telling, is that booing people who are prettier than you is probably the best thing in all the world.

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Motorbikes are among the many things that hecklerspray is frightened of - along with heights, snakes, the dark, death and pooing out a nest of moths. But thanks to the internet we can face our fear of motorbikes with Stunt Dirt Bike.

Stunt Dirt Bike is one of those weight-balance obstacle-coursey games that you've probably played a billion times before. The good news is that Stunt Dirt Bike is not different from any one of those games in the slightest way imaginable - nothing is new whatsoever. But what makes Stunt Dirt Bike so playable is the ease in which you can pick it up - most obstacles can be crossed by anyone with half a brain and fully moving fingers. And if bikes scare you too, there's also the chance for you to play Stunt Dirt Bike on a quad. Yeah, they're much safer. Just ask Rik Mayall and Ozzy Osbourne.

Play Stunt Dirt Bike now

We're reliably informed that Kevin Michael is setting the internet on fire at the moment. The reasons given for this web-based arson are based around Kevin Michael's "eclectic sound" and "soulful look," but that's all a lot of bum.

The reason for Kevin Michael setting the internet on fire is that the video to his new song Vicki Secrets is full of girls writhing around in their underwear. Stuffed with them, in fact. The video to Vicki Secrets by Kevin Michael has got enough models in underwear in it to actually cause some hormonal teenage boys to spontaneously combust on sight. And, since Kevin Michael himself is a weird-looking chap with a ridiculous afro, the message of the Vicki Secrets video is clear - if this goonish fool can surround himself with underwear models then so can you, you pasty underdeveloped 14-year-old.

What does the song Vicki Secrets sound like? There's a song? 

We've long been under the assumption that the best way for Razorlight to become carbon neutral would be for all of them to stop breathing forever with immediate effect, but old Johnny Borrell's got different - and obviously less good - ideas.

Johnny Borrell has decided to help highlight the need to slow climate change by recording a new song for Friends Of The Earth. Nothing unusual there, even though the world needs a new Razorlight song like it needs to be obliterated by an asteroid, but Johnny Borrell has gone one step further by recording the song in a completely solar-powered way. Sadly this didn't involve Johnny Borrell trying to fly to the sun to do it, which is a shame because we made him a special set of wax wings especially for the occasion.

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Conspiracy theories are great. Conspiracy theories about breasts are greater. Conspiracy theories about celebrity breasts are the greatest. And guess what, there's a conspiracy about celebrity breasts knocking around as we speak.

We got word from blog 10 Zen Monkeys that a celebrity breast conspiracy is in place, whereby every single actress promoting a summer blockbuster movie this year has been strangely compelled to talk endlessly about their boobs as if they've just discovered that they were there. The proof's there for everyone to see - Keira Knightley wouldn't stop telling everyone that she wants bigger breasts before the release of Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, Kirsten Dunst won't stop talking about the padded bra she wore in Spider-Man 3, Cameron Diaz actually took a breast out on Ellen while promoting Shrek 3 and Jessica Alba told GQ that her breasts aren't 'under her chin' during an interview about The Fantastic 4.

Why are all the actresses in the world fixated on their breasts? And how long is it until Michael Moore realises that more people would go and see Sicko if he discussed his sweaty moobs more and the US healthcare system less in interviews? We don't know the answers, but the celebrity breast conspiracy is certainly more fun to read about than the conspiracy about Zionist global domination. Those Zionists really have got rubbish tits.

Read more:

The Celebrity Breast Conspiracy - 10 Zen Monkeys 

Big Brother usually has a theme - whether it's 'evil' Big Brother, 'jail' Big Brother or 'bone-crushingly dull' Big Brother - but this year's Big Brother theme seems to be 'an overcrowded branch of Claire's Accessories on a Saturday half-term lunchtime'.

Big Brother 2007 is here, folks, and there's not a man in sight. Last night 11 women of varying levels of awfulness became the latest set of Big Brother housemates, and all of them want to earn £100,000 by staying in a brightly-coloured rabbit hutch with a gang of people they've been psychologically predestined to not get along with. And to make matters worse, the fridge is in the flipping garden! That's just crazy!

Over the course of the next three and a bit months we'll be here every day churning out the very latest Big Brother betting odds - but placing a Big Brother bet right now might not be such a bad idea, since the odds haven't had chance to settle down yet, so a little bet now could pay off bigtime by the end of the summer.

So anyway, here's the first part of our Big Brother betting odds - for Sam, Amanda, Leslie, Charley, Tracey and Chanelle - with Big Brother betting odds from Paddy Power…

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Hecklerspray's inbox is constantly rammed full of the usual email requests from PRs, viral agencies, MySpace bands, game companies, movies publicists and irate Charlotte Church fans.

We have also received a slightly cryptic video from the folks managing the London 2012 Olympics and Paralympics on the theme of PASSION, which has prompted us to list our particular passions. Well, at least the ones we can tell you about…

So, in no particular order, Hecklerspray's writers have suggested the following things we are passionate about…

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You know, we were almost positive that this time we'd absolutely heard the last of Anna Nicole Smith, Larry Birkhead, Howard Stern, Dannielynn Hope or that judge who kept crying like a deranged lunatic all the time, but that shows what we know.

Some of the above names have made a daring last-minute spurt for one final shot at the headlines. Although we'd like nothing more than to tell you that Anna Nicole Smith clawed her way out of her grave to make an uncomfortable sex film with the sobbing judge, the truth is a little more dreary. Larry Birkhead - ex-boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith, father of Dannielynn Hope, defeater of Howard K Stern and he will have his vengeance in this life or the next - is being sued by his former lawyer Debra Opri because she says that Larry Birkhead hasn't paid her yet.

Sorry for leading you on with the reanimated corpse/ crying judge sex tape thing. We can see how a story about a lawsuit over legal bills would come as a bit of a let-down after that.

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