Posts from April, 2007

Remember those Metro/Ask Best Of Brit Blog Awards that we've been sporadically mentioning to you over the last few months? Well guess what, hecklerspray's only gone and titting well won one of them.

That's right, you're now reading what's been picked as the best Arts & Entertainment blog in the country by Alan McGee - the man who discovered Oasis and, to a lesser extent, 18 Wheeler - and possibly some other people. Needless to say we're all dreadfully surprised to have won the award, since the only thing we've ever really won in the past was chlamydia, and that was probably more 'contracted' than 'won' now we think about it.

The Arts & Entertainment category was an especially tough one - among our competitors was Richard Herring's must-read blog and the gorgeously-designed TrackFeeder - so winning the award is a genuine rare honour for us.

New readers from Metro: Hello, stick around, we hope you like us.

Existing readers: Don't worry - this new-found attention won't change us. Just don't look us in the eye when you talk to us from now on. And make sure our mineral water is room temperature. And, when you refer to us, prefix our names with the title 'Mega-Destructo Emperor'. Room temperature, you hear?

Finally, to those of you who nominated hecklerspray for the award: Huge huge gigantic thanks. We couldn't have done this without you. Actually we probably could but, you know, thanks anyway.

Also - you can now hear hecklerspray editor Stuart Heritage giggling like a confused village idiot about winning the award on the Channel 4 Radio show The Morning Report. Near the end. After all the important news. 

Read more:

Blog Awards: The Winners - Metro 

We're not usually ones to mention bands going on tour too often but since we're in unusually good spirits today we're about to let you in on what promises to be one of the tours of the year - The Icarus Line and The Lemonheads.

You don't need to be told why The Lemonheads are good - there are plenty of albums around that can show you better than we ever could - but now that their support has been confirmed as almighty scuzz-rock geniuses The Icarus Line, the tour has just hopped up into the category of 'darn near essential.' The Lemonheads/Icarus Line UK tour dates are:

May 6 2007 - 8:00P   Mandela Hall & Shine Belfast, Belfast
May 8 2007 - 8:00P   Liquid Room, Edinburgh, Scotland
May 9 2007 - 8:00P   Lemon Tree., Aberdeen, Scotland
May 10 2007 - 8:00P The Leadmill, Sheffield
May 13 2007 - 8:00P - Solus, Cardiff
May 14 2007 - 8:00P - Koko, London
May 15 2007 - 8:00P -Academy 2, Birmingham

Need more convincing? Take a look at the Icarus Line MySpace page. 

Sure, to most people Hugh Grant looks like the kind of charmingly demure English gentleman who'd avoid conflict like the plague, but don't make Hugh Grant angry; you wouldn't like him when he's angry - or carrying some baked beans. Or both.

Hugh Grant has apparently been arrested after becoming so enraged with a member of the paparazzi that he hurled a tub of baked beans at him in a manic display of angry haricot-based tomato sauce-fuelled rage, it has been reported. We're told that Hugh Grant's angry bean-chucking tantrum was so vehement that you could hear the blood-curdling cries of "Take that, you big bloody jolly buggering sod!" from up to three metres away.

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Time for yet another blast of Eurovision betting odds - because, even though we're in the papers and stuff today, it doesn't mean that there isn't still a borderline-awful pan-European singing competition happening in two and a bit weeks.

But before we start prodding around today's bewildering clump of Eurovision betting odds, we have some important Eurovision news - the Eurovision Song Contest intermission act has been announced. This year the interminable gap between the singing and the finding out who wins will be filled by a group of death metal cellists called Apocalypta who - since they're almost named after a Mel Gibson film - will presumably stagger about covered in gore for two hours before calling the Israeli entry a bunch of piggy tits.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Georgia and Germany, with help from Paddy Power…

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The Phil Spector murder trial is all set to begin today, which means that we're well on the way to discovering if Phil Spector shot that woman's mouth off or if it's all been a silly misunderstanding - and the decision is down to some blokes.

Well, mostly some blokes anyway. The jury for the Phil Spector murder trial has been revealed, and the group of 12 contains just three women peppering the group of nine men. Quite what the reason behind installing a mostly male jury is beyond us, although we suspect that they were picked because they'll see Phil Spector standing trial in his frock coat and lesbo-wig, assume that the defendant is a beautiful woman and deliberately find him not guilty so they can get him drunk and try to bed him after the verdict is delivered, before quickly realising that they made a terrible terrible error of judgement. 

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Thanks to the tape of him wailing "You're a rude, thoughtless little pig" at his daughter, Alec Baldwin is facing the toughest test of his personal life - so now wouldn't be the best time for Alec Baldwin to mess about with his professional career as well.

But Alec Baldwin doesn't care what you think. Tell Alec Baldwin what you think and he'll get on a plane and come to see you for a day and he's gonna straighten your ass out when he sees you, do you understand him? He's gonna really make sure you get it. Then he's gonna get on a plane, turn around and he's gonna go home, you rude thoughtless little pig.

Anyway, Alec Baldwin has just left his agents. We should have probably just said that in the first place. 

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It's been said that Heather Mills won the love of the public by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but last night she realised that the public doesn't quite love her as much as the rubbish one out of N'Sync - Heather Mills is off the show.

Heather Mills was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars after six glorious weeks of prosthetic-defying twirls and backflips, six glorious weeks of ever-growing public support and six glorious weeks of hearing Heather Mills repeatedly deny that she's a gold digger in interviews regardless of the question she's being asked. But at least now that she's out of Dancing With The Stars Heather Mills can go back to what she does best - no, wait, that's covering her tits in dairy for German sex books, isn't it? Oh well, she can go back to trying to divorce Paul McCartney for all of his money instead.

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Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has been hitting the bottle a little too much between takes, it seems. You may recognise him from a bunch of artsy-fartsy flicks, but we just know him as that one guy in Mission: Impossible III.

No, no, he’s not the big black dude in M:I III, or the annoying short guy with the big nose that stars in the franchise, but the tall delicious dish that was a side-kick, or whatever. Yes, very tasty indeed.  

But that’s beside the point. Hot people have problems too, you know. It’s not all diamonds in the sky, bottles of Cristal overflowing in the back of Diddy’s Escalade, helping Lindsay Lohan spin records at Club Hyde and all. The attractive portion of society turns to destructive forms of self-medication just like you do. That’s why Rhys Meyers has checked into rehab for alcohol dependency, and why we developed out penchant for sniffing rubber cement glue when we were six years old.  Although, we really blame that on our second grade teacher Mrs. Kinghorn - she’s the one that introduced it and continued to enable our habit during art class.  

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Amazingly, yes, you can actually get a free bottle of energy-boosting Lucozade.

We shit you not, and this isn’t the kind of spam you get sent via MySpace or through e-mail by spurious Nigerian princes either. Fill in a few details on a website and soon you'll be lapping up Lucozade like it's going out of fashion.

So don't ever say hecklerspray never prods you sharply in the direction of free fizzy glucose-y things made of liquid. Our love for you all is like the love we have for our families, which we always want to share*.

Click the link below to get your free bottle of Lucozade – it’s much better then the wanky Lynx clicker advertised a dogs age ago.

www.getyouredgeback.com

*Except for that auntie of ours who hasn't remembered our birthday since we were six. She knows who she is. 

As was announced to the world pretty recently, hecklerspray is definitely not baby Dannielynn's daddy. It's hard because we were so sure how that paternity test would turn out.

We thought that since we had little speed boats installed for our sperms to travel in we'd have been first to the egg for sure. Our Hong Kong $15 back-alley doctor must have accidentally put in tiny rowboats or something, because apparently Birkhead's minions flew right past ours. And past those other 20 guys'. Still, at the time we'd been so sure - sure enough to paint the inside of our neighbour's abandoned refrigerator pink. We heard infant girls like sleeping in such reassuring, warm colours.

That pink refrigerator may play host to a sleeping baby yet - because Scary Spice's new child's paternity is still up in the air. Scary doesn't think so though, she's sure it's Eddie Murphy's child - that's why she just gave the baby Murphy's last name. What she's not aware of is that nine months before her baby was born we hypodermically injected Murphy with 12 fluid ounces of hecklersperm. That's right, we said 12 ounces.

Because we were trying desperately to get financially entangled with money like that.

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