Posts from April, 2007

Live Earth - the energy-gulping series of global concerts that will slurp electricity and dump waste in order to teach the world that energy gulping, electricity slurping and waste dumping is killing the planet - has just signed up Spinal Tap.

Yes, that Spinal Tap - the deliberately bad spoof 1980s metal band from legendary mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap - are the latest group to be added to the Live Earth Wembley line-up; a line-up that's already packed with planet-saving, sales-increasing artists like Madonna, Paulo Nutini, Keane, Razorlight, Corinne Bailey Rae and James Blunt. So at least it's good to see that the pretend heavy metal group made up of a Lord and Ned Flanders from The Simpsons have given Live Earth a little bit of credibility at last.

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Does anyone else realise how clever that title was?

Ol' R. O'Donnell may be taking a number down at the unemployment office. We don't blame her - now that she's jobless government brand Cheetohs will simply have to do.

That's right - after a solid year of battling media moguls, Asians, captured Brits, and all anorexic skinny people without jowls, Rosie O'Donnell is walking away from chick-flick talk show The View. We're told the chief reason was to appease her competitive nature and school the competition as a contestant on next season's The Apprentice. We weren't really told that, but it'd be a logical next step.

With such a big vacant seat on that side of The View table hecklerspray would like to throw it's hat in the ring. Now we know we weren't born with the required ovaries, but we do have several sets in our ice-box. They influence us everyday. They call out to us. Plus we can be catty, malicious, glum, and we appeal to women ages 68 - 85.

It's because we're not afraid to touch them in general. Hear that Barbara Walters? Not afraid to touch them in general. Get over here, you!

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The biggest celebrity court case since OJ Simpson got the idea for his latest book got underway yesterday in Los Angeles, as Phil Spector stands trial for the murder of B-movie actress Lana Clarkson - and, yes, the lesbian haircut is completely intact.

Opening statements at the Phil Spector murder trial started yesterday, and it was pretty much the place to be for anyone who likes to see pictures of actresses with their mouths blown off by gunshot wounds, hear confused old men being described as "sinister and deadly" and get strangely excited that Keith Richards might be called up as a character witness at some point in time.

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World Domination was a pretty nutty game, allowing you to try and conquer the world by any means necessary as one of several badly-disguised international heads of state, and we assumed it was going to be the last word in world domination games.

How wrong we were - because here comes World Domination 2 to mess with your mind and fuel your already unusually large Napoleon complex. World Domination 2 has taken the bare bones of World Domination and tweaked and preened and buffed it until it makes the - still staggeringly comprehensive - original look like a pale imitation. World Domination 2 allows you to take over the world through either diplomacy, spies, propaganda or full-blooded ridiculous war and - with up to four other characters trying to do the same to you - you'll need to be at your most cunning. World Domination 2 is wonderful scary fun from beginning to end.

Order World Domination 2 Now

Play World Domination 2 Online

Download World Domination 2

Fashion man Jeff Banks is a wily guy. So wily that supermarket giant Sainsbury have to give him a free box of truffles every week because he kicked their asses in court. As such, when Banks implies that Kate Moss couldn’t design so much as a hairnet without somebody doing it for her, we just go ahead and believe him.

On May 1, anorexic girls the land over will be queueing outside Topshop, chewing gum and glugging bottled water to be the first to get their bony hands on the Kate Moss collection: an all new assortment of high-waisted jeans, smock tops and pixie boots that may or may not have had anything to do with the undisclosed powder snorting supermodel herself. Fashion designer, confectionery fan, and co-founder of overpriced girlie paradise Warehouse, Jeff Banks, thinks not.

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Competitions are usually rubbish.

You know the score - pointless Readers-Digest style raffles in which your chances of winning are about the same as James Blunt writing a thrash-metal anthem called Fuck The Handicapped. Or something.

You know what would make every competition about a million times better, though? If it was organised by a madwoman who liked shaving her head and pretending to be the Antichrist, that's what. And - joy of joys - it looks like that day is upon us.

Britney Spears, boys and girls, is setting you a challenge.

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Remember those Metro/Ask Best Of Brit Blog Awards that we've been sporadically mentioning to you over the last few months? Well guess what, hecklerspray's only gone and titting well won one of them.

That's right, you're now reading what's been picked as the best Arts & Entertainment blog in the country by Alan McGee - the man who discovered Oasis and, to a lesser extent, 18 Wheeler - and possibly some other people. Needless to say we're all dreadfully surprised to have won the award, since the only thing we've ever really won in the past was chlamydia, and that was probably more 'contracted' than 'won' now we think about it.

The Arts & Entertainment category was an especially tough one - among our competitors was Richard Herring's must-read blog and the gorgeously-designed TrackFeeder - so winning the award is a genuine rare honour for us.

New readers from Metro: Hello, stick around, we hope you like us.

Existing readers: Don't worry - this new-found attention won't change us. Just don't look us in the eye when you talk to us from now on. And make sure our mineral water is room temperature. And, when you refer to us, prefix our names with the title 'Mega-Destructo Emperor'. Room temperature, you hear?

Finally, to those of you who nominated hecklerspray for the award: Huge huge gigantic thanks. We couldn't have done this without you. Actually we probably could but, you know, thanks anyway.

Also - you can now hear hecklerspray editor Stuart Heritage giggling like a confused village idiot about winning the award on the Channel 4 Radio show The Morning Report. Near the end. After all the important news. 

Read more:

Blog Awards: The Winners - Metro 

We're not usually ones to mention bands going on tour too often but since we're in unusually good spirits today we're about to let you in on what promises to be one of the tours of the year - The Icarus Line and The Lemonheads.

You don't need to be told why The Lemonheads are good - there are plenty of albums around that can show you better than we ever could - but now that their support has been confirmed as almighty scuzz-rock geniuses The Icarus Line, the tour has just hopped up into the category of 'darn near essential.' The Lemonheads/Icarus Line UK tour dates are:

May 6 2007 - 8:00P   Mandela Hall & Shine Belfast, Belfast
May 8 2007 - 8:00P   Liquid Room, Edinburgh, Scotland
May 9 2007 - 8:00P   Lemon Tree., Aberdeen, Scotland
May 10 2007 - 8:00P The Leadmill, Sheffield
May 13 2007 - 8:00P - Solus, Cardiff
May 14 2007 - 8:00P - Koko, London
May 15 2007 - 8:00P -Academy 2, Birmingham

Need more convincing? Take a look at the Icarus Line MySpace page. 

Sure, to most people Hugh Grant looks like the kind of charmingly demure English gentleman who'd avoid conflict like the plague, but don't make Hugh Grant angry; you wouldn't like him when he's angry - or carrying some baked beans. Or both.

Hugh Grant has apparently been arrested after becoming so enraged with a member of the paparazzi that he hurled a tub of baked beans at him in a manic display of angry haricot-based tomato sauce-fuelled rage, it has been reported. We're told that Hugh Grant's angry bean-chucking tantrum was so vehement that you could hear the blood-curdling cries of "Take that, you big bloody jolly buggering sod!" from up to three metres away.

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Time for yet another blast of Eurovision betting odds - because, even though we're in the papers and stuff today, it doesn't mean that there isn't still a borderline-awful pan-European singing competition happening in two and a bit weeks.

But before we start prodding around today's bewildering clump of Eurovision betting odds, we have some important Eurovision news - the Eurovision Song Contest intermission act has been announced. This year the interminable gap between the singing and the finding out who wins will be filled by a group of death metal cellists called Apocalypta who - since they're almost named after a Mel Gibson film - will presumably stagger about covered in gore for two hours before calling the Israeli entry a bunch of piggy tits.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Georgia and Germany, with help from Paddy Power…

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The Phil Spector murder trial is all set to begin today, which means that we're well on the way to discovering if Phil Spector shot that woman's mouth off or if it's all been a silly misunderstanding - and the decision is down to some blokes.

Well, mostly some blokes anyway. The jury for the Phil Spector murder trial has been revealed, and the group of 12 contains just three women peppering the group of nine men. Quite what the reason behind installing a mostly male jury is beyond us, although we suspect that they were picked because they'll see Phil Spector standing trial in his frock coat and lesbo-wig, assume that the defendant is a beautiful woman and deliberately find him not guilty so they can get him drunk and try to bed him after the verdict is delivered, before quickly realising that they made a terrible terrible error of judgement. 

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Thanks to the tape of him wailing "You're a rude, thoughtless little pig" at his daughter, Alec Baldwin is facing the toughest test of his personal life - so now wouldn't be the best time for Alec Baldwin to mess about with his professional career as well.

But Alec Baldwin doesn't care what you think. Tell Alec Baldwin what you think and he'll get on a plane and come to see you for a day and he's gonna straighten your ass out when he sees you, do you understand him? He's gonna really make sure you get it. Then he's gonna get on a plane, turn around and he's gonna go home, you rude thoughtless little pig.

Anyway, Alec Baldwin has just left his agents. We should have probably just said that in the first place. 

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