Posts from April, 2007

The London Olympics are still five years away, by which time most of us will be passed our best and looking back ruefully on how we somehow frittered away whatever dribble of potential that we once briefly had - but the rest of you should think about being in a film for the Olympics.

We've just received this message informing us of an open casting call this weekend looking for potential stars of a film about the 2012 Olympics that'll be shown around the world. Here's what it says:

All you need to do is tell us a story about something you have achieved in your life that you are really proud of.

Stories needn't necessarily be heroic in nature, nor do they have to be about sport. We'd love to hear from ANYBODY who has taken on a challenge and felt the sense of satisfaction that comes from effort.

Have you:

• taken up a new hobby that you’re really passionate about?
• conquered a fear of heights by jumping out of a plane?
• decided to stop eating pies for an entire month?
• raised money for charity by organising a karaoke contest?

Whatever your story, we'd love to hear it. Come and visit us in:

Belfast
Friday 27 April, 11am-7pm
City Hall
And W5 @ Odyssey, 2 Queens Way

Glasgow
Saturday 28 April, 11am-6pm
Buchanan Street, outside the Buchanan Galleries Shopping Centre 
And Hamden Park, Main Entrance via Kinghorn Drive

London
Sunday 29 April, 10am-6pm
Olympia Conference Centre, Hammersmith Road, W14 8UX

hecklerspray won't be able to make any of these casting calls - we'll be too busy watching 24 DVDs and, besides, our proudest achievement involved eating so many nuts in one day that we basically started pooing great big nuts, which probably isn't the message the 2012 Olympics want to put across - but if you go to one of the events, let us know.

When it comes to celebrity style, the newest must-have accessory isn't a brown adopted baby from Africa or a vagina that automatically repels underwear whenever a photographer is near - it's a smashed-up car and a DUI arrest.

Eve is the latest celebrity to be arrested on suspicion of drink-driving, after she lost control of her Maserati and ploughed it into a concrete divider on Hollywood Boulevard early yesterday morning. Of course, it's wrong to just say 'famous rapper Eve went drink-driving' because the police still need to get the results of several tests - like the blood-alcohol test that Eve took to identify if she had been drinking, and the other test to identify whether Eve still actually qualifies as being famous any more. 

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Usually when a celebrity says or does something a bit dumb, they have to claw as hard as they can to get their career back on track, but not Alec Baldwin - he's so upset about calling his daughter a "rude pig" that he never wants to act again.

Speaking to The View in a pre-taped interview this week, Alec Baldwin reiterated the shame he felt after bellowing abuse at his 11-year-old daughter on a voicemail message - a shame so strong that Alec Baldwin wouldn't mind if he never acted again, since it'd give him more time to nurture his two new support groups, for rude thoughtless pigs who need their asses straightening out and for men who think that Kim Basinger is kind of a bitch. Or something.

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hecklerspray was in a Nicaraguan jail for seven years. The undead corpse of Hannibal Smith broke us out because we were innocent and he could totally relate.

What a horrible time we had in there though. The cherry cobbler was made from a can, the sauna motor was running until like 2am every night, and our cell mates had no concept of spooning. It was absolute hell.

If you gotta do time, don't do it in Nicaragua. Do it in India, like Richard Gere - their jails melt away when it rains. Now Gere hasn't done time yet, but India's panging for him. They demand justice because he had the audacity to enslave several children while he was there - he had to though. He was looking for the sacred stones in the basement of an ancient palace.

Or was it for kissing a girl's cheek on television? Yeah, actually that's what it was.

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Court cases are confusing at the best of times, and even more so when the defendant is a 1960s musical production wizard with lesbian hair like Phil Spector - first someone said that Phil Spector was guilty and now someone else says he's innocent.

Yesterday, after we'd been led to believe by the prosecution that Phil Spector was guilty, it was the turn of Phil Spector's defence to make its opening statement at the Phil Spector murder trial, where everybody learnt that Phil Spector couldn't have killed Lana Clarkson because she was a) depressed, b) drunk and c) much taller than him. So Phil Spector didn't do it. Unless he did. Oh, we're so confused.

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You might have played games like Mad Virus before, but so what? We've fallen for Mad Virus in a big way, and we're determined that you're going to play it - even if it means coming round your house and smashing your crockery first.

When you start Mad Virus, you'll see a screen full of different-coloured shapes, and all you have to do is to turn the screen into one solid colour within a set number of turns. Doing this is easy - you change one shape's colour, and all the shapes of the same colour become infected. Keep doing this enough and your mad virus spreads across the screen like a… well, like a mad virus, we suppose. Mad Virus is incredibly addictive and we're looking forward to another illness-based game from the makers - like Mad Toothache maybe, or Mad Chlamydia.

Play Mad Virus now

If there's one thing we love here at hecklerspray, it's people talking about hecklerspray. If those people happen to be doing it on some kind of web TV show with a pair of headphones casually tossed around their necks, then that's even better.

You guessed it - hecklerspray has notched up another mention on Technorati's Buzz TV show, where a man reads choice stuff off the internet for you because your eyes are too tired from looking at all that porn or whatever. Anyway, what earned hecklerspray this valuable Buzz TV mention? Our constant commitment to providing you with the latest sarcastic celebrity news? The fact we won a bastard award yesterday? No, it's because we said something about shitting into a pipe a few days ago.

Our mothers are so very proud of us, you know.

Watch the shitpipe edition of Technorati Buzz TV here  

If 1967 was the Summer Of Love, then 2007 will be the Summer Of Cynically Large Concerts About Issues And Stuff, with acts playing Live Earth to save the world and also playing the Princess Diana tribute concert to save, um…

But two massive Wembley-held all-star concerts happening within a couple of months of each other hasn't been so good for the Princess Diana show - rumour has it that it's been hard finding big enough acts for the show, with most high-profile artists deciding that they'd get more exposure by playing a global event about a serious issue than a UK-only show about a dead bulimic woman. But the Princess Diana concert organisers have pulled together and secured a new raft of cutting edge talent to play the show - like Lily Allen, Kanye West and Rod Stewart. OK, so maybe not that cutting edge.

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They say that bad press is better then no press at all. Ginger mopped rocker Axl Rose must take this expression literally as the comedy bandwagon that is the never-ending album-promising Guns N’ Roses finds itself disappointing more people again.

While we don’t constantly refresh the official Guns N' Roses website in hope for some kind of nugget of information that would bring us towards light at the end of the tunnel, we do however keep tabs on Rose’s wacky and at times comic book antics - which now includes 'festival-cancelling' as well as 'album-delaying' and 'employing a man who wears a bucket on his head.'

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It's our last instalment of Eurovision betting odds for the week; we're halfway through now - chin up, you're doing well. And if you're yet to place a Eurovision bet, you should probably do it right now before everyone realises how crap Belarus is.

So what have we learnt over the course of this week? More than you could possibly imagine. We discovered that there's a Junior Eurovision Song Contest rolling along in December, we discovered that the Eurovision Song Contest stage will be shaped like a pike's jaw this year and we also learnt that there'll be some heavy metal cellists playing slap-bang in the middle of proceedings. And for the life of us we couldn't possibly begin to tell you which one of these gives us the freaky creeps more. The jaw. No - the kids. Jaw. Kids. Cellists. Kids. Jaw. Kids. Kids.

Here are today's Eurovision betting odds - for Greece and Hungary - with help as ever from Paddy Power…

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Beauty is unquestionably subjective, and it's impossible to rank people on how much beauty they possess - but People magazine has given it a shot anyway, and it's come to the conclusion that Drew Barrymore is more beautiful than you.

No, not a different Drew Barrymore that you don't know about - Drew Barrymore the actress Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore has been named as People magazine's Most Beautiful Human of 2007 or something, and we are green with envy - if only we'd have started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes by the age of nine, then moving onto marijuana at 10 and cocaine at 12 before briefly marrying a man who climbs inside dead animals for a living, then we'd have been noticed by People too. Damn you, Drew Barrymore, damn you to hell.

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We don’t expect everyone to be down with all the funky fresh flavours we whore out to you week after week on this feature,  but the ability to pronounce each band's name is usually a given.

In the past we've seen some funny and sometimes bizarre band names including Gay Against Your, Drumcorps, Fyreon and Cutting Pink With Knives. This week is a totally different kettle of onions. !!! is a name that is open for interpretation. It’s not as boring as exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Instead, !!! is pronounced by repeating thrice any monosyllabic sound. Chk Chk Chk is the most common pronunciation, but they could just as easily be called Pow Pow Pow, Bam Bam Bam, Uh Uh Uh, etc. Um…  so that's that mini problem kind of sorted out.

Now after reading this feature and feeling compelled to go out and spend some of your hard-earned or dole-scrounged money on !!! releases, then you’ll all least be able to pronounce the name of the band without looking like a total twat when you say “They, er…  have three exclamation marks for a name, seriously. I’m not making this up.”

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