Posts from April, 2007

Just so you all have this in writing, we never want to be a Baldwin - partly because we're not that keen on making a string of forgettable movies, but partly because we know we'd never be even half the men that the current Baldwins are.

And we're not even talking about Alec Baldwin for once either - we just don't think that we'd be as good at being a Baldwin as Daniel Baldwin, a man whose list of ridiculous indiscretions would fill the entire internet if ever they were written down. But Daniel Baldwin needs to work harder if he wants to keep his reputation, because the he's just been cleared of stealing cars. Cleared? That's exactly that sort of positive news that Daniel Baldwin doesn't need at all if he wants to keep his standing as the douchiest Baldwin brother of them all.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Strange Facts/Ancient Artifacts

Metro-award winning blog hecklerspray has one bathroom on its main floor that is made entirely of ivory. Now we're not bragging, but every urinal, toilet and floor tile is carved out of the magical white material. It's OK though, because we throttled each elephant ourselves - and humanely too.

In getting to the heart of today's matter, sometimes when we're sitting there on what used to be a giant herbivore's rudimentary defence system, we get to reading the graffiti surrounding us on the stall walls. You've all seen it - the stuff that reads 'Bloods = Rock, Crips = Scissors,' or 'for a really, really, really good time call Courtney at 555-3442.' (There's no answer there by the way.)

But all that really got us thinking, how long have people been writing this sort of thing in crappers? You know what we found out? It's been going on for at least 2000 years - with specific examples from Pompeii on the next page. And interestingly enough, the content of the scribbles really hasn't changed all that much.

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That is to say, not all that much. The four-year lawsuit battle between NBC and the creators of 'Gay people are funny because they like Cher' NBC sitcom Will & Grace has spectacularly ended with a settlement, and a fairly dull one at that.

Ever since 2003, NBC and Will & Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick have been suing each other because the millions of dollars they'd all made from basically just employing a camp man and a short woman to shriek the word "fabulous" at each other for half an hour several times a year wasn't enough. But now the war is over in the most undisclosed way possible. We'd imagine that NBC and Kohan and Mutchnick made up by realising that, despite their disagreements, at least they could all find common ground by agreeing that Will & Grace was about as funny as falling face-first onto a landmine.

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Some tribes, cultures, the Amish, believe that a photograph can steal the soul. Evidently Cameron Diaz agrees as she was recently spotted fleeing a New York department store with the paparazzi and their flashbulbs hot tailing it after her.

You have to feel sorry for young Cameron Diaz. Recently split from Justin Timberlake, and though no longer forced to endure his seizure dancing when Heroes is on the telly, she might well be feeling down in the dumps.

Despite having an alleged fling with surfer-fool Kelly Slater, there’s really nothing like a shopping trip to raise a girl’s spirits. Spend a few thousand dollars on stupid shoes, sign the odd autograph ‘for the kids’, eat a burger in the toilets, all the fun stuff. Cameron though, poor little lamb, she can’t go anywhere without those parasitical photographers following her around like sugared up toddlers. Damn you, free press!!

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Shia LaBeouf became a star when Disturbia first reached the top of the weekend box office, then became the world's biggest star when Disturbia topped it two weeks on the trot, so what now?

Now Disturbia has topped the US weekend box office for three weeks solid, beating off movies that should have really left it for dust. By our reasoning this means that within two to three days, groups of wild-eyed South American pensioners are going to a) start crafting statues of Shia LaBeouf out of stone, and then b) start manically shrieking that their Shia LaBeouf statues have been crying milk. And if Disturbia tops the weekend box office again next week, that's when the shadowy scientists come round and weld Shia LaBeouf masks over your own faces…

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There's a good chance that getting caught screaming abuse at his 11-year-old daughter on a voicemail message was the second-stupidest thing Alec Baldwin has ever done after Cat In The Hat, but he's doing all he can to fix it.

Well, maybe not all he can - if we were Alec Baldwin we'd have already set up a helpline for rude thoughtless little pigs who are gonna get their asses straightened out - but Alec Baldwin has gone on The View anyway to apologise to his daughter. Well, he's gone on The View to apologise to his daughter and then make a bunch of angry paranoid veiled threats to tabloid reporters in the mistaken belief that it's their fault that everyone thinks he's an angry douchebag of a bad father and not because he called his daughter a pig, but that's close enough.

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Zombies, eh? What a bunch of bastards. Always stumbling around, trying to eat your brains out. Ever wanted to shoot a bunch of zombies in the head, but worried about the legal repercussions of doing so? Don't - here's Boxhead The Rooms.

Boxhead The Rooms is a beautifully-designed little shooting game where you have to fend off droves of oncoming zombies by using all manner of shooty guns. There's nothing new about a zombie shooting game, but what Boxhead The Rooms can deliver is style by the bucketload - both your character and the zombies are rendered in cute little blocky isometrics, the gunfire has a satisfying zip to it, plus there's quite a lot of blood. If you're going to play Boxhead The Rooms, here's a hint - those barrels are there for a reason.

Play Boxhead The Rooms now

Think of the 1990s and what springs to mind? Don't Forget Your Toothbrush? Granddad shirts? Trying to grow a haircut like Liam Gallagher and ending up looking like Chris Waddle? Catchy little inoffensive indie tunes with computer-animated rooftop videos?

There's a band around called The 1990s, you see, and their stock in trade seems to be catchy little inoffensive indie tunes with computer-animated rooftop videos - or at least that's what new single See You At The Lights seems to suggest. Taken from forthcoming album Cookies, See You At The Lights perfectly demonstrates where The 1990s got their name. Full of more "ba ba ba"s and "hey"s than you can shake one of Rick Witter's maracas at, See You At The Lights could have been made at any point between 1992 and 1997 - and whether or not that's a good thing is up to you.

Watch The 1990s See You At The Lights video now

Another week, another chance to scribble out an ancient form of Japanese poetry based on a sort-of topical celebrity story. We spoil you, you know that?

That's correct - hecklerspray's Celebrity Haiku Competition is here to claim its Monday pride of place. We, like, totally own Mondays. And we totally own you too. How much? This much.

Anyway. None of this nonsense is in any way poetry-related enough for our liking, so let's get down to the nitty-gritty of things. This week we're taking a look at vagina-flashing Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan.

But first let's have a cheeky wee gander at last week's champion…

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Here at hecklerspray, we're all a bunch of very high-brow individuals.

Why, only the other day the office was rife with talk of Expressionist German cinema. And not a week goes by when there isn't some argument as to the thematic undertones inherent within 19th century Russian literature.

Yet - once a year - there comes a time when we like nothing more than to kick back, pour ourselves a refreshing glass of Pimms, and watch with glee as a group of barely-educated pikeys shout at each other in a house for a couple of months. That's right - Big Brother is almost upon us again.

This time, however … we're all a little more hesitant in our appreciation.

This time we've found out that we've unwittingly been paying for it.

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Welcome, one and all, to week three of our third annual Eurovision betting odds rundown. Yes, we know what you're thinking - it seems like we've been doing these for ages and we're still only up to the 'I' countries. It'll be over soon, we promise.

Today, to show the huge variety of songs that Eurovision is capable of producing, we're going to be discussing two songs that literally don't have a single thing in common. Apart from the fact they're both useless. And that we dislike them both immensely. And that they're from countries that begin with the letter 'I' and end in the word 'land'. And that they both sound kind of the same. Aside from that, though - completely different.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Iceland and Ireland, with betting odds coming from Paddy Power…

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We’ve won the Metro ‘Arts and Entertainment Blog Award’. Bom Chicka Wah Wah!

Folded:

• New trailer for The Bourne Ultimatum online (we think this film is going to be very good indeed. If not we will surely kill all involved in making it)

• hecklerspray finally on MySpace (we’re a bit ‘find me a friend’ at the moment, but we’ll get the hang of it)

• Cola and Beer together… in the same glass (if you can order this in a pub with a straight face then it’s well worth a go. Better than bloating out on pure Fosters on a hot day)

• Addiction: The Apprentice (still blocking up the calendar for the next nine weeks or so. It almost pisses us off)

• Todd Rivers is working again! (the hilarious Matt Berry does the voiceover for Volvic in their new ‘Volcanicity’ advert. It’s not a new series of Darkplace, but it’s better than nothing)

Creased:

• Our disdain concerning the lack of cooking legend Keith Floyd on the telly (probably not best well after his stroke a few years back, but it would be great to see him do something new, even if it’s only Floyd Around Berkhamsted or something)

• People who ignore emails (even ‘fuck off’ is an answer, you lazy self-important sods)

• Dodgy garages (if you can find a guy who will change the tyre you ask, when you ask, without saying ‘ooh, your brakes will need doing soon’ or ‘that back one’s illegal, mate’, then marry him)

• The Jigsaw Man (got this DVD free with a newspaper a few weeks back. It is, without doubt, the worst film of all time. Yes, Michael Caine is in it before you ask)

• GMTV (naughty, naughty, you cheeky scamming the chav-housewives baskets)