From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Anna Nicole Smith Babydaddy DNA Test Is Go

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody has been properly able to grieve for Anna Nicole Smith yet – although that’s partially to do with the mental image of her weird clown face, it also has a lot to do with nobody knowing who the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daughter is.

But all of that could change this week, because it has finally been announced that a judge in the Bahamas yesterday ordered that the long-awaited DNA paternity test on Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn Hope be carried out soon. Finally we’ll be able to discover who Anna Nicole Smith’s babydaddy is. Is it Larry Birkhead? Is it Howard K Stern? Is it that implausible old German man who appears to have had some kind of penile dysfunction thing going on? Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy DNA paternity test: the inevitable anti-climax – coming soon.

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Phil Spector Murder Trial: Jurors Quizzed, Not About Haircuts

by Stuart Heritage

In 98% of court cases the jury selection process is nothing more than a tedious piece of administration to be swiftly dealt with, but that’s because 98% of the accused don’t turn up to court with a lesbian’s haircut, like Phil Spector has done lately.

That’s right – out has gone Phil Spector’s gigantic white man’s afro and confused cornrows, and in has come a pretty blonde bob cut that Phil Spector appears to have modelled on recent pictures of Anne Widdecombe. Now the world waits on the answer to one single question with baited breath – what mental haircut will Phil Spector turn up to court in next? Devilhorns? A Beehive? Dreadlocks? A Pompadour? A natty Russian Khokhol? We literally can’t wait to find out. Oh, and we’d quite like to know if Phil Spector shot that woman in the face too, but not as much.

In 98% of court cases the jury selection process is nothing more than a tedious piece of administration to be swiftly dealt with, but that's because 98% of the accused don't turn up to court with a lesbian's haircut, like Phil Spector has done lately. That's right - out has gone Phil Spector's gigantic white man's afro and confused cornrows, and in has come a pretty blonde bob cut that Phil Spector appears to have modelled on recent pictures of Anne Widdecombe. Now the world waits on the answer to one single question with baited breath - what mental haircut will Phil Spector turn up to court in next? Devilhorns? A Beehive? Dreadlocks? A Pompadour? A natty Russian Khokhol? We literally can't wait to find out. Oh, and we'd quite like to know if Phil Spector shot that woman in the face too, but not as much.
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Keanu Reeves Bumps Man With Porsche, Man Taken Slowly To Hospital

by Shawn Lindseth

Something strange has happened recently – we think we've been hounded by the paparazzi. It feels so weird. The paparazzo's dumb name is Todd, and boy-oh-boy do we hate him. Every time we go to our mom's house – there he is looking all smug and content. That stupid Papo, he talks but he only [...]

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Raise The Alarm! Britney Spears Staggers Out Of Rehab

by Stuart Heritage

When Britney Spears reflects on her life, she’ll see this last meltdown- and rehab-filled month as the toughest of her life, narrowly edging out the month where Britney Spears discovered that there is no tooth fairy and gas doesn’t naturally smell.

But now the worst part is over for Britney Spears, as it’s been reported that she’s left the Promises rehab facility in Malibu after just under a month of treatment. Everything from now on will be a cakewalk for Britney Spears now that she’s looked deep within herself during her testing stay in rehab – from walking past a car without feeling the urge to batter it in with an umbrella to rebuilding her musical career even though her new bald-headed red-eyed appearance makes all the children cry, Britney Spears will probably be partially A-OKish. Probably.

When Britney Spears reflects on her life, she'll see this last meltdown- and rehab-filled month as the toughest of her life, narrowly edging out the month where Britney Spears discovered that there is no tooth fairy and gas doesn't naturally smell. But now the worst part is over for Britney Spears, as it's been reported that she's left the Promises rehab facility in Malibu after just under a month of treatment. Everything from now on will be a cakewalk for Britney Spears now that she's looked deep within herself during her testing stay in rehab - from walking past a car without feeling the urge to batter it in with an umbrella to rebuilding her musical career even though her new bald-headed red-eyed appearance makes all the children cry, Britney Spears will probably be partially A-OKish. Probably.
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SLACKERJACK – Frost Bite

by Stuart Heritage

Here are the facts. 1) It’s March. 2) At the end of this week it’s going to be British Summer Time. 3) It’s colder than a penguin’s arsehole. We haven’t got a clue what’s going on with the weather, but to commemorate here’s Frost Bite.

Frost Bite is simply one of the most adorable games we’ve played in ages. The aim of Frost Bite is to send your weeny little mountain climber up a selection of hills collecting ice creams and other bonus items while trying not to get eaten by the various abominable snowmen that haunt the stages. But your Frost Bite climber has one weapon to his advantage – his grappling hook. With it, he can speed up the mountains and kill baddies. Even though it’s a childishly simple game to play, you’d probably have to be a bit dead inside not to fall in love with Frost Bite. And even deader not to groove in your chair to Frost Bite’s unbelievably funky old-school soundtrack.

Play Frost Bite now

Here are the facts. 1) It's March. 2) At the end of this week it's going to be British Summer Time. 3) It's colder than a penguin's arsehole. We haven't got a clue what's going on with the weather, but to commemorate here's Frost Bite. Frost Bite is simply one of the most adorable games we've played in ages. The aim of Frost Bite is to send your weeny little mountain climber up a selection of hills collecting ice creams and other bonus items while trying not to get eaten by the various abominable snowmen that haunt the stages. But your Frost Bite climber has one weapon to his advantage - his grappling hook. With it, he can speed up the mountains and kill baddies. Even though it's a childishly simple game to play, you'd probably have to be a bit dead inside not to fall in love with Frost Bite. And even deader not to groove in your chair to Frost Bite's unbelievably funky old-school soundtrack. Play Frost Bite now
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Watch The Maximo Park Our Velocity Video

by Stuart Heritage

In a couple of weeks you’ll get to hear the new Maximo Park album Our Earthly Pleasures. We know this because we’ve already heard it, and it’s quite good. But while you wait for our review, here’s the Maximo Park video for new single Our Velocity.

Our Velocity by Maximo Park came out on Monday, so there’s a pretty solid chance you’ve heard it already. If so, you’ll be entirely familiar with Our Velocity’s jerky verses, soaring chorus and pounding synths by now. We are, and we’re steadily coming to the conclusion that Our Velocity is Maximo Park’s best-ever single. But you might not have seen the video to Our Velocity by Maximo Park, in which case you’re in for a treat. Imagine a room full of Maximo Parks – that’s the video to Our Velocity. That’s a good thing, by the way – it gives singer Paul Smith to do his thing several times over. And, incidentally, is there a better frontman in Britain today?

In a couple of weeks you'll get to hear the new Maximo Park album Our Earthly Pleasures. We know this because we've already heard it, and it's quite good. But while you wait for our review, here's the Maximo Park video for new single Our Velocity. Our Velocity by Maximo Park came out on Monday, so there's a pretty solid chance you've heard it already. If so, you'll be entirely familiar with Our Velocity's jerky verses, soaring chorus and pounding synths by now. We are, and we're steadily coming to the conclusion that Our Velocity is Maximo Park's best-ever single. But you might not have seen the video to Our Velocity by Maximo Park, in which case you're in for a treat. Imagine a room full of Maximo Parks - that's the video to Our Velocity. That's a good thing, by the way - it gives singer Paul Smith to do his thing several times over. And, incidentally, is there a better frontman in Britain today?
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The Apprentice: This Year’s Hateful Line-Up In Full

by Stuart Heritage

The Apprentice is back soon, so fans of hedgehog-faced men shouting unusual swearwords at a group of self-regarding ladder-climbers before dismissing one of them in a completely arbitrary way have got something to live for again.

This year The Apprentice makes the leap from BBC2 to BBC1, meaning that even more of the population will be watching Alan Sugar somehow trick a group of successful businesspeople into looking like nitwits because they can’t sell sweets to children properly. And because of the new channel, The Apprentice needed to recruit the highest calibre of contestant available – so this year hopefuls to become The Apprentice include a quantum physicist, a soldier, a financial adviser and… oh, you know what? They’re all going to be hateful, needlessly ambitious pricks who’d stab their own mother in the eye with a dirty syringe for a fiver, so let’s just leave it at that for now.

The Apprentice is back soon, so fans of hedgehog-faced men shouting unusual swearwords at a group of self-regarding ladder-climbers before dismissing one of them in a completely arbitrary way have got something to live for again. This year The Apprentice makes the leap from BBC2 to BBC1, meaning that even more of the population will be watching Alan Sugar somehow trick a group of successful businesspeople into looking like nitwits because they can't sell sweets to children properly. And because of the new channel, The Apprentice needed to recruit the highest calibre of contestant available - so this year hopefuls to become The Apprentice include a quantum physicist, a soldier, a financial adviser and... oh, you know what? They're all going to be hateful, needlessly ambitious pricks who'd stab their own mother in the eye with a dirty syringe for a fiver, so let's just leave it at that for now.
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Celebrities’ Relatives To Humiliate Themselves

by C J Davies

You know what the best thing in the whole wide world is? Being a celebrity, that’s what.

In fact – seeing as fame is essentially the only thing in the world really worth aspiring to – everyone in the hecklerspray office has made a pact to kill themselves if we’re not all on the cover of Heat within the next six minutes.

Think that’s bad? Just imagine how it would feel being the close relative of a celebrity, then. Imagine the crushing realisation that you’re not nearly as widely-known and VIP-listed as your sibling, so you may as well just throw yourself off a cliff and let your non-famous bones shatter against the slimy rocks below.

But wait! Apparently discount store T J Hughes is launching a new advertising campaign! And they need relatives of celebrity superstars to take part in it! That means that now those poor lost souls get the chance to plaster their faces all over a series of billboards too, therefore giving complete validation for every aspect of their existence!

Yay!

You know what the best thing in the whole wide world is? Being a celebrity, that's what. In fact - seeing as fame is essentially the only thing in the world really worth aspiring to - everyone in the hecklerspray office has made a pact to kill themselves if we're not all on the cover of Heat within the next six minutes. Think that's bad? Just imagine how it would feel being the close relative of a celebrity, then. Imagine the crushing realisation that you're not nearly as widely-known and VIP-listed as your sibling, so you may as well just throw yourself off a cliff and let your non-famous bones shatter against the slimy rocks below. But wait! Apparently discount store T J Hughes is launching a new advertising campaign! And they need relatives of celebrity superstars to take part in it! That means that now those poor lost souls get the chance to plaster their faces all over a series of billboards too, therefore giving complete validation for every aspect of their existence! Yay!
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Dancing With The Stars Betting Odds: Cyrus & Drexler

by Stuart Heritage

Day three of our introductory look at the Dancing With The Stars – a show about hardly-famous celebrities jigging around for a while as an elderly British man looks on unforgivingly – and this might just be the best day ever.

That’s no idle boast either – so far in these Dancing With The Stars betting odds we’ve looked at fat sitcom stars, supermodels, one-legged Beatle wives and all sorts of people we’ve never even heard of – but today. Today is the day these Dancing With The Stars betting odds profiles were made for. Because – make no mistake – today’s dancers are so incredible they’re almost religious icons.

Here are the Dancing With The Stars betting odds – for, wait for it, Billy Ray Cyrus and Clyde Drexler – with help from Paddy Power. Billy Ray Cyrus!

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Anna Nicole Smith Judge Busted For Doobie-Smoking

by Stuart Heritage

The story of Anna Nicole Smith’s death is enough to turn anyone to drugs – trust us, what we’d do for a Smith-style methadone fridge all of our own – and by ‘anyone’ we means ‘specifically one judge who was in the Anna Nicole Smith body-battle’.

Judge Lawrence Korda – for he is the judge we were referring to – knows this only too well, and now he’s in a lot of trouble of his own. Possibly because he was still recovering from the media onslaught that comes when a tubby pornstar dies and nobody knows where to bury her – or possibly not – Judge Lawrence Korda apparently decided that he’d spend some of Sunday sitting in a park smoking some drugs. A park full of training policemen. You’ve already worked out what happened next, haven’t you.

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