From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Myspace Trawl – Jeniferever

by Matthew Laidlow

Another week means another voyage in to the world MySpace, the internet arm of 24, Lost and Simpsons-stealing media baron Rupert Murdoch.

Come on, be honest. It’s not like anything else on Sky One is half decent, apart from the occasional episode of Brainiac which shows fit women converting around in skimpy clothing whilst blowing seven shades of shit out of microwaves and caravans. We’re still unsure as to why Mr. Murdoch bought MySpace from some make-believe character called Tom who’ll always have more friends then you. MySpace is just full of random people being friend whores, chucking out countless fake invites to profiles that lead to spyware sites that bugger up your computer, countless shite adverts telling you you’ve won free laptops (on the last count we’d won 357) and finally horrific bands who say they’re good when this isn’t true. This is where hecklerspray comes wandering in, to tell you who’s decent. Like Jeniferever.

Another week means another voyage in to the world MySpace, the internet arm of 24, Lost and Simpsons-stealing media baron Rupert Murdoch. Come on, be honest. It’s not like anything else on Sky One is half decent, apart from the occasional episode of Brainiac which shows fit women converting around in skimpy clothing whilst blowing seven shades of shit out of microwaves and caravans. We’re still unsure as to why Mr. Murdoch bought MySpace from some make-believe character called Tom who’ll always have more friends then you. MySpace is just full of random people being friend whores, chucking out countless fake invites to profiles that lead to spyware sites that bugger up your computer, countless shite adverts telling you you've won free laptops (on the last count we'd won 357) and finally horrific bands who say they're good when this isn’t true. This is where hecklerspray comes wandering in, to tell you who's decent. Like Jeniferever.
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Angelina Jolie Gets $2 Million For Flaunting Pax In Mags

by Stuart Heritage

As Angelina Jolie knows, adopting a child can be very rewarding – you get the satisfaction of being a parent, the joy of knowing you’re giving an underprivileged kid a better life, plus you get truckloads of cash when you flog the snaps to a magazine.

Now that Angelina Jolie is the full legal owner of her new adopted three-year-old Vietnamese son Pax Thien Jolie, she’s going to have to teach Pax the ways of life. Rule one of that seems to involve whoring out your new kids when they’re at their most confused and vulnerable – in addition to the pictures of Angelina Jolie and Pax Thien that grace the front cover of Hello magazine this week, Angelina Jolie has also sold further exclusive pictures of her new family to People magazine for $2 million, according to one report.

We’re in the wrong business here – after some rough calculations we’ve discovered that if we convince a moviestar to leave his wife for us and then traipse around the world adopting babies with him and selling their pictures to magazines for the same price that Angelina Jolie does, by Christmas we’ll have enough cash to buy that child-powered yacht we’ve had our eye on.

As Angelina Jolie knows, adopting a child can be very rewarding - you get the satisfaction of being a parent, the joy of knowing you're giving an underprivileged kid a better life, plus you get truckloads of cash when you flog the snaps to a magazine. Now that Angelina Jolie is the full legal owner of her new adopted three-year-old Vietnamese son Pax Thien Jolie, she's going to have to teach Pax the ways of life. Rule one of that seems to involve whoring out your new kids when they're at their most confused and vulnerable - in addition to the pictures of Angelina Jolie and Pax Thien that grace the front cover of Hello magazine this week, Angelina Jolie has also sold further exclusive pictures of her new family to People magazine for $2 million, according to one report. We're in the wrong business here - after some rough calculations we've discovered that if we convince a moviestar to leave his wife for us and then traipse around the world adopting babies with him and selling their pictures to magazines for the same price that Angelina Jolie does, by Christmas we'll have enough cash to buy that child-powered yacht we've had our eye on.
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Anna Nicole Smith DNA Test: Hot Swab Appeal Action

by Stuart Heritage

When you’re the star of several softcore pornography videos and you died without telling anyone who the father of your baby is, things sure do move fast – as the recent wriggling over the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy DNA tests are proving.

It only seems like yesterday that a judge in the Bahamas ruled that Dannielynn Hope, the baby daughter of Anna Nicole Smith and one of any number of men, should submit a sample of DNA to help clear up the whole paternity mess that’s been going on for six months now. That’s because it did only happen yesterday, dummy – but since then all manner of goings-on have been reported. Apparently Anna Nicole Smith’s baby has already been swabbed for DNA and Larry Birkhead has dumped off as much DNA as he can spare to help prove that he’s the real father of Dannielynn Hope. Meanwhile Howard K Stern, the man who – according to Dannielynn’s birth certificate – totally did it with Anna Nicole Smith, has been keeping himself busy by launching an appeal against the DNA order and cackling maniacally at the ceiling. We assume.

When you're the star of several softcore pornography videos and you died without telling anyone who the father of your baby is, things sure do move fast - as the recent wriggling over the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy DNA tests are proving. It only seems like yesterday that a judge in the Bahamas ruled that Dannielynn Hope, the baby daughter of Anna Nicole Smith and one of any number of men, should submit a sample of DNA to help clear up the whole paternity mess that's been going on for six months now. That's because it did only happen yesterday, dummy - but since then all manner of goings-on have been reported. Apparently Anna Nicole Smith's baby has already been swabbed for DNA and Larry Birkhead has dumped off as much DNA as he can spare to help prove that he's the real father of Dannielynn Hope. Meanwhile Howard K Stern, the man who - according to Dannielynn's birth certificate - totally did it with Anna Nicole Smith, has been keeping himself busy by launching an appeal against the DNA order and cackling maniacally at the ceiling. We assume.
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McCartney Gets McCaffeinated

by Shawn Lindseth

Starbucks just effed us over big time. We were this close to signing Sir Paul McCartney to our awesomely themed-record company – this close we tell you! But apparently the former Beatle doesn't think he belongs on a publicity-hungry label that forces its artists to get mild heart attacks medically induced in the CNN lobby [...]

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Vivica A Fox Busted For Driving Like One Drunk Fool

by Stuart Heritage

Some people will do anything to keep their name in the public eye; like Vivica A Fox, who last night attempted to make up for not being in any decent films lately by driving around California drunk at 80mph swerving in and out of lanes willy-nilly.

According to reports, Vivica A Fox – star of Independence Day, Kill Bill and what appears to be one of the least competent breast-enlargement procedures in the history of cosmetic surgery – passed a marked police car on a California freeway at 80mph on Tuesday night while seemingly being unable to stay in one lane at a time. After being stopped by the police, Vivica A Fox failed to pass a sobriety test and was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. Vivica A Fox being arrested for drink-driving is exciting stuff, so just imagine how exciting it’d be if Vivica A Fox was even halfway famous.

Some people will do anything to keep their name in the public eye; like Vivica A Fox, who last night attempted to make up for not being in any decent films lately by driving around California drunk at 80mph swerving in and out of lanes willy-nilly. According to reports, Vivica A Fox - star of Independence Day, Kill Bill and what appears to be one of the least competent breast-enlargement procedures in the history of cosmetic surgery - passed a marked police car on a California freeway at 80mph on Tuesday night while seemingly being unable to stay in one lane at a time. After being stopped by the police, Vivica A Fox failed to pass a sobriety test and was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. Vivica A Fox being arrested for drink-driving is exciting stuff, so just imagine how exciting it'd be if Vivica A Fox was even halfway famous.
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SLACKERJACK – Cave Of Despair

by Stuart Heritage

We went to a cave of despair once. Wooky Hole. Those memories will haunt us until our dying day. But at least we didn’t have to escape our cave of despair with a rope because of all the boiling lava shooting at us.

That’s basically the gist of Cave Of Despair. You play a version of Indiana Jones who’s been changed just enough for Steven Spielberg to not sue the game’s makers, and all you have to do is swing from the roof of the cave of despair with a whip, Spider-Man style, for as long as you can before you’re inevitably swallowed up by the torrent of lava that’s chasing you. Fun and devastatingly simple to pick up, Cave Of Despair is certainly worth a look. Unless Cave Of Despair is a euphemism for the inside of a man’s bum and you’re not really into that, of course.

Play Cave Of Despair now

We went to a cave of despair once. Wooky Hole. Those memories will haunt us until our dying day. But at least we didn't have to escape our cave of despair with a rope because of all the boiling lava shooting at us. That's basically the gist of Cave Of Despair. You play a version of Indiana Jones who's been changed just enough for Steven Spielberg to not sue the game's makers, and all you have to do is swing from the roof of the cave of despair with a whip, Spider-Man style, for as long as you can before you're inevitably swallowed up by the torrent of lava that's chasing you. Fun and devastatingly simple to pick up, Cave Of Despair is certainly worth a look. Unless Cave Of Despair is a euphemism for the inside of a man's bum and you're not really into that, of course. Play Cave Of Despair now
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Be In The Karaoke-Style Simple Kid TwentySomething Video

by Stuart Heritage

You know Simple Kid, right? You don’t? Well you should, because Simple Kid is a bit bloody good. Anyway, Simple Kid is looking for people to sing on the video for his forthcoming single TwentySomething. How? Here’s how:

Simple Kid’s next single will be The TwentySomething, released this June. This time around, Simp wants you to get in touch with your inner karaoke star and film yourself doing own version of the track. The best efforts will be edited together to form the official The TwentySomething video. You need not be TwentySomething to participate, and no previous experience (or talent) is required.

What you DO need is:

– The TwentySomething backing track. You can download the MP3 (sans Simp’s singing) from www.myspace.com/simplekidmusic.
– The TwentySomething lyrics. Get them from www.myspace.com/simplekidmusic
– A video camera. Keep in mind that if your video is chosen, it might end up on TV, so make sure your recording format is of a decent spec. That means using a proper video camera such as one that uses Mini DV tapes. Webcams, mobile phone cameras, and stills cameras with video functions won’t be high enough quality. And it should record sound, obviously.
– A friend (or tripod) to hold the camera and film you busting your Simple Kid moves.

Once you’ve made your video and you’re happy with it, upload it to the video section on your Myspace profile and post it in the comments on Simp’s Myspace (add him as a friend if you haven’t already) at www.myspace.com/simplekidmusic. Alternatively, you can upload your video to your YouTube account and post a link in the comments on the Simple Kid YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/simplekidstuff.

That’s it. Videos will be judged using a highly sophisticated logarithm based on how much it makes Simp laugh, cry, cringe or swoon. The best ones will be edited together into one TwentySomething video. It’ll be like the X Factor, The Gong Show and Opportunity Knocks rolled into one. Seriously.

Got that? Good – now go and do it. No doubt we’ll have the finished TwentySomething video here before June, so not only will you possibly get on telly, but you might be on hecklerspray too. Yeah, we know…

You know Simple Kid, right? You don't? Well you should, because Simple Kid is a bit bloody good. Anyway, Simple Kid is looking for people to sing on the video for his forthcoming single TwentySomething. How? Here's how: Simple Kid's next single will be The TwentySomething, released this June. This time around, Simp wants you to get in touch with your inner karaoke star and film yourself doing own version of the track. The best efforts will be edited together to form the official The TwentySomething video. You need not be TwentySomething to participate, and no previous experience (or talent) is required. What you DO need is: - The TwentySomething backing track. You can download the MP3 (sans Simp's singing) from www.myspace.com/simplekidmusic. - The TwentySomething lyrics. Get them from www.myspace.com/simplekidmusic - A video camera. Keep in mind that if your video is chosen, it might end up on TV, so make sure your recording format is of a decent spec. That means using a proper video camera such as one that uses Mini DV tapes. Webcams, mobile phone cameras, and stills cameras with video functions won't be high enough quality. And it should record sound, obviously. - A friend (or tripod) to hold the camera and film you busting your Simple Kid moves. Once you've made your video and you're happy with it, upload it to the video section on your Myspace profile and post it in the comments on Simp's Myspace (add him as a friend if you haven't already) at www.myspace.com/simplekidmusic. Alternatively, you can upload your video to your YouTube account and post a link in the comments on the Simple Kid YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/simplekidstuff. That's it. Videos will be judged using a highly sophisticated logarithm based on how much it makes Simp laugh, cry, cringe or swoon. The best ones will be edited together into one TwentySomething video. It'll be like the X Factor, The Gong Show and Opportunity Knocks rolled into one. Seriously. Got that? Good - now go and do it. No doubt we'll have the finished TwentySomething video here before June, so not only will you possibly get on telly, but you might be on hecklerspray too. Yeah, we know...
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Elton John Vs All The Anti-Gay Bigots

by Stuart Heritage

Elton John is a man who knows all about persecution; not only is Elton John gay but he’s a middle-aged tubby bald gay with gap teeth, bad eyesight, a ginger wig, a voice like a dying walrus and the world’s oddest sense of style – so Elton John knows.

But for now let’s just concentrate on the gay thing. Elton John turns 60 this weekend and, instead of marking the occasion by dressing up as a big duck and going to a poncey rah-rah party with a bunch of sycophantic tossers, he’s decided to do something useful and speak out against all the anti-gay bigots in the world in an article for the New Statesman. By penning such an important and potentially inflammatory article that’ll be felt around the world, Elton John will be drawing attention to a cause that many millions of people feel strongly about. And also drawing attention to the fact that Elton John’s back catalogue will be available to download from iTunes for the first time on Monday a bit too. But that’s probably just a coincidence.

Elton John is a man who knows all about persecution; not only is Elton John gay but he's a middle-aged tubby bald gay with gap teeth, bad eyesight, a ginger wig, a voice like a dying walrus and the world's oddest sense of style - so Elton John knows. But for now let's just concentrate on the gay thing. Elton John turns 60 this weekend and, instead of marking the occasion by dressing up as a big duck and going to a poncey rah-rah party with a bunch of sycophantic tossers, he's decided to do something useful and speak out against all the anti-gay bigots in the world in an article for the New Statesman. By penning such an important and potentially inflammatory article that'll be felt around the world, Elton John will be drawing attention to a cause that many millions of people feel strongly about. And also drawing attention to the fact that Elton John's back catalogue will be available to download from iTunes for the first time on Monday a bit too. But that's probably just a coincidence.
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Dancing With The Stars Betting Odds: Ali & Ohno

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time for the fourth instalment of our introductory look at the Dancing With The Stars betting odd – and since we’ve being going backwards up the odds, today’s dancers are supposed to be pretty good. Plus they’d beat us up if we said they were crap.

That’s not to say they aren’t crap, though – here in merry olde England we don’t have the chance to watch Dancing With The Stars, so we haven’t got a clue. The nearest thing to Dancing With The Stars here is Strictly Come Dancing, which is more or less the same, only it features celebrities so cripplingly unfamous that it may as well be called Who Are These Twats Spinning Around On The Telly. Anyway, just because we can’t see Dancing With The Stars, it doesn’t mean that we can’t place a bet on the winner. Because we’re going to. And you should too.

So here are today’s batch of Dancing With The Stars betting odds – for Laila Ali and Apolo Anton Ohno – with help from PaddyPower…

It's time for the fourth instalment of our introductory look at the Dancing With The Stars betting odd - and since we've being going backwards up the odds, today's dancers are supposed to be pretty good. Plus they'd beat us up if we said they were crap. That's not to say they aren't crap, though - here in merry olde England we don't have the chance to watch Dancing With The Stars, so we haven't got a clue. The nearest thing to Dancing With The Stars here is Strictly Come Dancing, which is more or less the same, only it features celebrities so cripplingly unfamous that it may as well be called Who Are These Twats Spinning Around On The Telly. Anyway, just because we can't see Dancing With The Stars, it doesn't mean that we can't place a bet on the winner. Because we're going to. And you should too. So here are today's batch of Dancing With The Stars betting odds - for Laila Ali and Apolo Anton Ohno - with help from PaddyPower...
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Halle Berry To Never Ever Get Married Again Ever

by Stuart Heritage

Halle Berry has been married a couple of times now, and both marriages have ended up failing spectacularly – so full credit to Halle Berry for realising that she’s hopeless at marriage and deciding to give it up forever and ever.

Um. That’s pretty much the bulk of the story really. Halle Berry has decided that two failed marriages are enough and – for no reason whatsoever – has told a magazine that she won’t be getting married again so long as she lives, in case she ends up buggering another one of them up. We don’t know why Halle Berry decided to say she doesn’t want to get married again, since it’s a bit like telling a magazine you’re never going to eat carrots again or telling a magazine you’re never going to say the word ‘gizzard’ again. Anyway, we’re going to stretch this Halle Berry/ no marriage thing out for as long as we can – why don’t you join us.

Halle Berry has been married a couple of times now, and both marriages have ended up failing spectacularly - so full credit to Halle Berry for realising that she's hopeless at marriage and deciding to give it up forever and ever. Um. That's pretty much the bulk of the story really. Halle Berry has decided that two failed marriages are enough and - for no reason whatsoever - has told a magazine that she won't be getting married again so long as she lives, in case she ends up buggering another one of them up. We don't know why Halle Berry decided to say she doesn't want to get married again, since it's a bit like telling a magazine you're never going to eat carrots again or telling a magazine you're never going to say the word 'gizzard' again. Anyway, we're going to stretch this Halle Berry/ no marriage thing out for as long as we can - why don't you join us.
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