From the monthly archives:

March 2007

TV Review – Skins

by Matthew Laidlow

From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. Not quite sure if anyone got that. Did you know that from the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins?

We realised this in the months leading up to Skins’ launch on E4 back in January. Literally every time you put E4 on, this information was slapped at your face. So after its advertising hype, was Skins actually worth watching? After the first episode, we thought Skins was ridiculous and were tempted to write a scathing post warning you away. But in a rare moment of sympathy we thought that maybe judging something after one episode was a bit harsh. So we endured the entire series and, now its finished, have come up with the following conclusion – Skins is nothing more then trendy-looking shit staged in an unrealistically perfect world where the most unlikely of events happen to the most improbable bunch of kids.

From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. Not quite sure if anyone got that. Did you know that from the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins? We realised this in the months leading up to Skins' launch on E4 back in January. Literally every time you put E4 on, this information was slapped at your face. So after its advertising hype, was Skins actually worth watching? After the first episode, we thought Skins was ridiculous and were tempted to write a scathing post warning you away. But in a rare moment of sympathy we thought that maybe judging something after one episode was a bit harsh. So we endured the entire series and, now its finished, have come up with the following conclusion - Skins is nothing more then trendy-looking shit staged in an unrealistically perfect world where the most unlikely of events happen to the most improbable bunch of kids.
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Larry Birkhead’s Creepy Anna Nicole Smith Trademark

by Stuart Heritage

The Anna Nicole Smith DNA paternity case has been pretty clear-cut so far – Howard K Stern is the evil one, Prince Frederic von Anhalt is the mental one and Larry Birkhead is the nice one – but now Larry’s status might switch from ‘nice’ to ‘creepy’.

Although Larry Birkhead has long been the popular favourite to be named as the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby – partly because he seems to make a good case for it and partly because he’s not Howard K Stern – he’s decided that the potential hundreds of millions of dollars that he’d get as Dannielynn Hope’s father isn’t enough, and has trademarked the creepy phrase ‘Goodnight, My Sweet Anna Baby’ for use in movies, books, TV shows, internet shows and stageplays as well. Luckily, though, Larry Birkhead hasn’t trademarked ‘Goodnight, My Sweet Anna Baby’ for use on novelty stationary – so we’re taking that for ourselves. We’re guessing that kids will love our range of horrific clown-faced Anna Nicole Smith pencil cases that menacingly intone the phrase “Goodnight, my sweet Anna baby” each time they’re unzipped.

Hey, if everyone else is making a buck off Anna Nicole Smith, we may as well join in too…

The Anna Nicole Smith DNA paternity case has been pretty clear-cut so far - Howard K Stern is the evil one, Prince Frederic von Anhalt is the mental one and Larry Birkhead is the nice one - but now Larry's status might switch from 'nice' to 'creepy'. Although Larry Birkhead has long been the popular favourite to be named as the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby - partly because he seems to make a good case for it and partly because he's not Howard K Stern - he's decided that the potential hundreds of millions of dollars that he'd get as Dannielynn Hope's father isn't enough, and has trademarked the creepy phrase 'Goodnight, My Sweet Anna Baby' for use in movies, books, TV shows, internet shows and stageplays as well. Luckily, though, Larry Birkhead hasn't trademarked 'Goodnight, My Sweet Anna Baby' for use on novelty stationary - so we're taking that for ourselves. We're guessing that kids will love our range of horrific clown-faced Anna Nicole Smith pencil cases that menacingly intone the phrase "Goodnight, my sweet Anna baby" each time they're unzipped. Hey, if everyone else is making a buck off Anna Nicole Smith, we may as well join in too...
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Britney Spears To Give Kevin Federline $19m In Divorce Cash?

by Stuart Heritage

Rehab did a lot for Britney Spears; for one it made her realise that no, actually, she probably isn’t the Antichrist, and it also helped to clear Britney’s head enough for her to decide to give Kevin Federline $19 million as a divorce settlement. Possibly.

It’s been reported that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline finally agreed on the divorce settlement – made of a lump sum, proceeds from the sale of a house and a portion of Britney’s earnings – after Kevin’s rock-solid support of Britney Spears during her stint in rehab convinced the star that he only ever had her best interests at heart when she needed it the most. Sounds like a fair deal, too – if we had to go and visit a bald lunatic who we used to be married to in rehab every few days we’d want millions of dollars for it too.

And, yes, we know this is the second Britney Spears story published in a matter of hours, but eff all else has happened today so you’re going to have to lump it.

Rehab did a lot for Britney Spears; for one it made her realise that no, actually, she probably isn't the Antichrist, and it also helped to clear Britney's head enough for her to decide to give Kevin Federline $19 million as a divorce settlement. Possibly. It's been reported that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline finally agreed on the divorce settlement - made of a lump sum, proceeds from the sale of a house and a portion of Britney's earnings - after Kevin's rock-solid support of Britney Spears during her stint in rehab convinced the star that he only ever had her best interests at heart when she needed it the most. Sounds like a fair deal, too - if we had to go and visit a bald lunatic who we used to be married to in rehab every few days we'd want millions of dollars for it too. And, yes, we know this is the second Britney Spears story published in a matter of hours, but eff all else has happened today so you're going to have to lump it.
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Jesse Metcalfe Goes To Booze-Rage Rehab

by Stuart Heritage

Jesse Metcalfe is many things to different people – to some he’s the robot-faced boy from Desperate Housewives, to others he’s the robot-faced boyfriend of Girls Aloud – but we suspect that nobody ever has thought of Jesse Metcalfe as a drunk.

Actually, that’s not true – it’s probably more of a case of nobody in the universe caring about Jesse Metcalfe enough to wonder if he’s a drunk or not – but we just get the suspicion that Jesse Metcalfe doesn’t drink a lot, for two primary reasons. 1) Jesse Metcalfe resembles a waxwork mannequin so precisely that we doubt he’s even got a throat or stomach, and 2) last weekend Jesse Metcalfe got drunk and threw the kind of alarmingly befuddled boozy tantrum that you’d expect from a six-year-old after half a glass of mummy’s cooking sherry. And then went to rehab because of it.

Jesse Metcalfe is many things to different people - to some he's the robot-faced boy from Desperate Housewives, to others he's the robot-faced boyfriend of Girls Aloud - but we suspect that nobody ever has thought of Jesse Metcalfe as a drunk. Actually, that's not true - it's probably more of a case of nobody in the universe caring about Jesse Metcalfe enough to wonder if he's a drunk or not - but we just get the suspicion that Jesse Metcalfe doesn't drink a lot, for two primary reasons. 1) Jesse Metcalfe resembles a waxwork mannequin so precisely that we doubt he's even got a throat or stomach, and 2) last weekend Jesse Metcalfe got drunk and threw the kind of alarmingly befuddled boozy tantrum that you'd expect from a six-year-old after half a glass of mummy's cooking sherry. And then went to rehab because of it.
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SLACKERJACK – Music Is Your Weapon

by Stuart Heritage

It’s not so hard to imagine music being a weapon – James Blunt could easily smash the world into submission if he somehow managed to pipe You’re Beautiful into everybody’s house – but this game is called Music Is Your Weapon, and it’s slightly more literal.

In Music Is Your Weapon, music literally is your weapon – it’s a beat ‘em up where you cause extra damage by hitting your opponent in time with the beats and bass. You’re going to have to play Music Is Your Weapon to get a full measure of what it’s about, but we can assure you that Music Is Your Weapon is disgustingly good – its graphics will melt your eyes, its soundtrack will explode your ears and the online multiplayer version is more addictive than crack flavoured doughnuts. We’re shit at Music Is Your Weapon, by the way – so if you see us online, go easy on us, eh?

Play Music is Your Weapon Now

It's not so hard to imagine music being a weapon - James Blunt could easily smash the world into submission if he somehow managed to pipe You're Beautiful into everybody's house - but this game is called Music Is Your Weapon, and it's slightly more literal. In Music Is Your Weapon, music literally is your weapon - it's a beat 'em up where you cause extra damage by hitting your opponent in time with the beats and bass. You're going to have to play Music Is Your Weapon to get a full measure of what it's about, but we can assure you that Music Is Your Weapon is disgustingly good - its graphics will melt your eyes, its soundtrack will explode your ears and the online multiplayer version is more addictive than crack flavoured doughnuts. We're shit at Music Is Your Weapon, by the way - so if you see us online, go easy on us, eh? Play Music is Your Weapon Now
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Watch The Mark Ronson Stop Me Video

by Stuart Heritage

As far as you people need to know, there’s only one album coming out in the whole of 2007. It’s Version by Mark Ronson; 14 good – and considerably less good – songs turned into blazing Motown dancehall stompers by Tom Cruise’s favourite DJ, Mark Ronson.

Version by Mark Ronson comes out in about a month, and we’ve got the DTs just thinking about up. But Mark Ronson, cruel overlord that he is, is throwing us tasters of the album in dribs and drabs. First was his cover version of Toxic by Britney Spears – magically transformed into a horn-drenched anthem featuring verses by Old Dirty Bastard… from beyond the grave. And now we’re blessed with Mark Ronson’s version of Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before by The Smiths. Retitled Stop Me and featuring the vocal talents of promising newcomer Daniel Merriweather, Mark Ronson has taken all the drama of the original and added strings, a Blue Lines beat and more splashes of genius than you could possibly wish for. Dislike this one at your peril.

As far as you people need to know, there's only one album coming out in the whole of 2007. It's Version by Mark Ronson; 14 good - and considerably less good - songs turned into blazing Motown dancehall stompers by Tom Cruise's favourite DJ, Mark Ronson. Version by Mark Ronson comes out in about a month, and we've got the DTs just thinking about up. But Mark Ronson, cruel overlord that he is, is throwing us tasters of the album in dribs and drabs. First was his cover version of Toxic by Britney Spears - magically transformed into a horn-drenched anthem featuring verses by Old Dirty Bastard... from beyond the grave. And now we're blessed with Mark Ronson's version of Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before by The Smiths. Retitled Stop Me and featuring the vocal talents of promising newcomer Daniel Merriweather, Mark Ronson has taken all the drama of the original and added strings, a Blue Lines beat and more splashes of genius than you could possibly wish for. Dislike this one at your peril.
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Britney Spears Blocks Weirdo UK Rehab Leaks

by Stuart Heritage

When Britney Spears gave up shaving her head, flopping her vagina out and furiously attacking cars with rain protection gear to go to rehab, the general consensus was that we wouldn’t hear a peep from Britney until she left rehab – how wrong we were.

During Britney Spears’ stay in rehab, stories emerged that were so borderline deranged that they made Britney’s act of shaving off all her hair in a weeping tantrum look like the most normal act in the world. How did these loopy Britney Spears stories get out? Through a leak, of course. And now Britney Spears’ lawyers have leapt into action, obtaining an emergency injunction banning the press from revealing any more instances of Britney’s possibly odd behaviour. The British press, that is, because it’s easier to sue here. America, we’ve never needed you more.

When Britney Spears gave up shaving her head, flopping her vagina out and furiously attacking cars with rain protection gear to go to rehab, the general consensus was that we wouldn't hear a peep from Britney until she left rehab - how wrong we were. During Britney Spears' stay in rehab, stories emerged that were so borderline deranged that they made Britney's act of shaving off all her hair in a weeping tantrum look like the most normal act in the world. How did these loopy Britney Spears stories get out? Through a leak, of course. And now Britney Spears' lawyers have leapt into action, obtaining an emergency injunction banning the press from revealing any more instances of Britney's possibly odd behaviour. The British press, that is, because it's easier to sue here. America, we've never needed you more.
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300 – What hecklerspray Thinks

by Matthew Laidlow

Because hecklerspray is growing quicker then an obese child in a chip show, people are beginning to be kind to us and other us stuff for free which is always a plus in our books. Sometimes we also get invited to watch stuff which isn’t even out!

This week we weren’t quite whisked off in a limo to a glitzy premiere, but instead to a screening in a rough-looking cinema with other journalists who didn’t take kindly to us immaturely flicking popcorn at them. As you’ll know, 300 is currently riding high at the top of the US box office and has done so since its release. The same is expected here in the UK now it’s finally out over here. But is it worth the hype?

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Dancing With The Stars Betting Odds: Fatone & Ziering

by Stuart Heritage

It’s that time again – the time of the day where we look at the various hoofers taking part in Dancing With The Stars and decide that well, actually, Heather Mills doesn’t really stand an effing chance, does she?

But just because Paul McCartney’s estranged wife – or the lardy guy from Cheers, or that old woman with the funny name, come to think of it – probably won’t win Dancing With The Stars, someone has to. And since this week’s Dancing With The Stars betting odds have been brought to you in reverse order, logic dictates that today’s contenders are the ones with the best shot of winning. Are they the best dancers? Arsed if we know – Dancing In The Stars isn’t even shown in this country, and we think we’d probably drown ourselves before we’d watch it – but it’s still worth a bet, correct?

So here’s the final part of this week’s Dancing With The Stars betting odds – for Ian Ziering and Joey Fatone – with help from Paddy Power…

It's that time again - the time of the day where we look at the various hoofers taking part in Dancing With The Stars and decide that well, actually, Heather Mills doesn't really stand an effing chance, does she? But just because Paul McCartney's estranged wife - or the lardy guy from Cheers, or that old woman with the funny name, come to think of it - probably won't win Dancing With The Stars, someone has to. And since this week's Dancing With The Stars betting odds have been brought to you in reverse order, logic dictates that today's contenders are the ones with the best shot of winning. Are they the best dancers? Arsed if we know - Dancing In The Stars isn't even shown in this country, and we think we'd probably drown ourselves before we'd watch it - but it's still worth a bet, correct? So here's the final part of this week's Dancing With The Stars betting odds - for Ian Ziering and Joey Fatone - with help from Paddy Power...
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Tom Cruise Is Hitler, Or Wants To Kill Hitler, Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a saying that says ‘a day without Tom Cruise doing something stupid is like a day without sunshine’ and if that’s true then we’ve been in the middle of a solar eclipse since Tom Cruise’s wedding – but it looks like the sun’s coming out again.

Eager to get his public image back on track so he can start being seen as Tom Cruise: Filmstar again instead of Tom Cruise: Deranged Whackjob Religious Cult Midget, Tom Cruise has been carefully handpicking a bunch of carefully-crafted movies that will return him to his spot as a Hollywood megastar. And the latest of these is a film about Hitler and the Nazis directed by the Superman Returns bloke. That’s Hitler and the Nazis the WWII baddies we’re talking about, not Hitler And The Nazis the ill-advised and quickly-cancelled Austrian Saturday morning educational puppet show. Obviously.

There's a saying that says 'a day without Tom Cruise doing something stupid is like a day without sunshine' and if that's true then we've been in the middle of a solar eclipse since Tom Cruise's wedding - but it looks like the sun's coming out again. Eager to get his public image back on track so he can start being seen as Tom Cruise: Filmstar again instead of Tom Cruise: Deranged Whackjob Religious Cult Midget, Tom Cruise has been carefully handpicking a bunch of carefully-crafted movies that will return him to his spot as a Hollywood megastar. And the latest of these is a film about Hitler and the Nazis directed by the Superman Returns bloke. That's Hitler and the Nazis the WWII baddies we're talking about, not Hitler And The Nazis the ill-advised and quickly-cancelled Austrian Saturday morning educational puppet show. Obviously.
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