From the monthly archives:

March 2007

SLACKERJACK – Paths 2

by Stuart Heritage

The world of online games is now stuffed with games where you have to draw wobbly lines all over the place with your mouse and then set a character off down the path to test just how rubbish your lines were, and of these Paths 2 is certainly the most recent.

This is how Paths 2 works: there’s a ball and an exit point, and you have to draw a line from the ball to the exit point. And nothing else. Paths 2 sounds like it literally couldn’t be any easier if it was made out of Duplo, but we’re crap at it. Completely useless. As soon as we start to draw a line our arm starts jerking around involuntarily, shooting useless spazzy branches off all over the shop. Incidentally, that’s also the reason why we aren’t allowed to operate on babies’ brains any more, but luckily Paths 2 comes with a lot less lawsuits and crying parents and stuff.

Play Paths 2 now

The world of online games is now stuffed with games where you have to draw wobbly lines all over the place with your mouse and then set a character off down the path to test just how rubbish your lines were, and of these Paths 2 is certainly the most recent. This is how Paths 2 works: there's a ball and an exit point, and you have to draw a line from the ball to the exit point. And nothing else. Paths 2 sounds like it literally couldn't be any easier if it was made out of Duplo, but we're crap at it. Completely useless. As soon as we start to draw a line our arm starts jerking around involuntarily, shooting useless spazzy branches off all over the shop. Incidentally, that's also the reason why we aren't allowed to operate on babies' brains any more, but luckily Paths 2 comes with a lot less lawsuits and crying parents and stuff. Play Paths 2 now
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Listen To All Of The Paris Calling Compilation Now

by Stuart Heritage

Think of French music and images of Serge Gainsbourg gazing impassively at a group of dancing girls, or coquettish Brigitte Bardot purring lasciviously though Un Jour Comme Un Autre, spring to mind – but get ready to have your perceptions shattered.

When The Libertines visited Paris in 2003, they left behind a group of young rock and roll disciples, and the fruits of their efforts have all been combined into the Paris Calling compilation. Paris Calling has taken the finest bands of this prickly Parisian guitar scene and launched them into the midst of an unsuspecting world. And we’ve got a top-notch Paris Calling album sampler here, just for you.

We don’t want to spoil too many of the surprises held within Paris Calling, just the biggest one – Paris Calling is good. Unbelievably good. Click on the Paris Calling album sampler now and let Les Shades gently woo you before our new favourite dumb rock band The Hellboys punch your teeth out. Twice. Finally, a warning – listening to the Paris Calling album sampler might trigger a spontaneous imported French album spending frenzy.

Think of French music and images of Serge Gainsbourg gazing impassively at a group of dancing girls, or coquettish Brigitte Bardot purring lasciviously though Un Jour Comme Un Autre, spring to mind - but get ready to have your perceptions shattered. When The Libertines visited Paris in 2003, they left behind a group of young rock and roll disciples, and the fruits of their efforts have all been combined into the Paris Calling compilation. Paris Calling has taken the finest bands of this prickly Parisian guitar scene and launched them into the midst of an unsuspecting world. And we've got a top-notch Paris Calling album sampler here, just for you. We don't want to spoil too many of the surprises held within Paris Calling, just the biggest one - Paris Calling is good. Unbelievably good. Click on the Paris Calling album sampler now and let Les Shades gently woo you before our new favourite dumb rock band The Hellboys punch your teeth out. Twice. Finally, a warning - listening to the Paris Calling album sampler might trigger a spontaneous imported French album spending frenzy.
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Kirsten Dunst & Johnny Borrell A Couple? Yeeurch!

by Stuart Heritage

There was always a thumping inevitability about Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell getting together, thanks to Johnny Borrell’s greedy quest for fame and the weird way that Kirsten Dunst equates ‘credibility’ with ‘getting off with a dirty man in a leotard’.

But it’s too late to talk either of them out of it, because Kirsten Dunst from Spider-Man and Johnny Borrell from Razorlight are a couple. A couple of arseholes, we know, but also a romantic couple. And it’s serious, too – although they’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, Kirsten Dunst has reportedly moved into Johnny Borrell’s London home. Let’s all just hunker down and pray, for the sake of humanity, that either Kirsten Dunst or Johnny Borrell is sterile because – by christ – that’s going to be a baby with some effed-up teeth.

There was always a thumping inevitability about Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell getting together, thanks to Johnny Borrell's greedy quest for fame and the weird way that Kirsten Dunst equates 'credibility' with 'getting off with a dirty man in a leotard'. But it's too late to talk either of them out of it, because Kirsten Dunst from Spider-Man and Johnny Borrell from Razorlight are a couple. A couple of arseholes, we know, but also a romantic couple. And it's serious, too - although they've only known each other for a couple of weeks, Kirsten Dunst has reportedly moved into Johnny Borrell's London home. Let's all just hunker down and pray, for the sake of humanity, that either Kirsten Dunst or Johnny Borrell is sterile because - by christ - that's going to be a baby with some effed-up teeth.
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Mike Tyson: A Life In Terrifying Quotes

by Stuart Heritage

It’s usual that athletes have been trained so hard to follow instructions that none of them actually have a personality to share between them – fancy an evening in shooting the breeze with Tim Henman? Of course not – but Mike Tyson is the exception.

Yes, Mike Tyson, the potential man-whore with a giant cuddly crush on Aisleyne from Big Brother. Mike Tyson is a man made of pure undiluted personality – it’s just a shame that the personality in question is that of a dead-eyed serial killer with a nasty habit of verbalising his desire to rape women indiscriminately. Thanks to a tip from one of our beautiful readers, we’ve got a video of just about every terrifying quote to have come out of Mike Tyson’s mouth over the last few years. And it’s hilarious. Well, hilarious and blood-chilling in equal measure. The scary thing is – if Mike Tyson can say “I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in the fucking head or stamp on their testicles so you could feel my pain,” out loud, imagine the stuff that he keeps in his brain.

There’s a bunch of these videos over at Uber.com too – it was a close-run thing between us showing you this video and one of Mike Tyson performing Monster Mash with Bobby Brown dressed up as spooky monsters.

Read more:

A Tribute To Mike Tyson – Uber.com

It's usual that athletes have been trained so hard to follow instructions that none of them actually have a personality to share between them - fancy an evening in shooting the breeze with Tim Henman? Of course not - but Mike Tyson is the exception. Yes, Mike Tyson, the potential man-whore with a giant cuddly crush on Aisleyne from Big Brother. Mike Tyson is a man made of pure undiluted personality - it's just a shame that the personality in question is that of a dead-eyed serial killer with a nasty habit of verbalising his desire to rape women indiscriminately. Thanks to a tip from one of our beautiful readers, we've got a video of just about every terrifying quote to have come out of Mike Tyson's mouth over the last few years. And it's hilarious. Well, hilarious and blood-chilling in equal measure. The scary thing is - if Mike Tyson can say "I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in the fucking head or stamp on their testicles so you could feel my pain," out loud, imagine the stuff that he keeps in his brain. There's a bunch of these videos over at Uber.com too - it was a close-run thing between us showing you this video and one of Mike Tyson performing Monster Mash with Bobby Brown dressed up as spooky monsters. Read more: A Tribute To Mike Tyson - Uber.com
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HD&P Comic Strips, Inc: In A Hot Tub

by Shawn Lindseth

Read More: HD&P Comic Strips Homepage  Read More: HD&P Comic Strips Homepage 

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Angelina Jolie Adoption Betting Odds: Nigeria & Mexico

by Stuart Heritage

Is it day three of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds already? How time flies – it seems like it was just yesterday that we were joking saying that Angelina Jolie was going to adopt a little Welsh kid. It wasn’t. It was the day before yesterday.

But day three of the Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds means we have to get serious. For the uninitiated, this week we’re investigating which country Angelina Jolie will go to next to satisfy her weird compulsive urge to adopt every child that’s ever been born. Why? So you can bet on it and get rich, perhaps using the winnings to build an airtight vault so you can lock your children away safe from Angelina Jolie’s adopty hands. If you do choose to do that, remember – no airholes. Angelina Jolie is trained to detect carbon dioxide emitting from scared children.

So here are today’s Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds – for Nigeria and Mexico – with help from Paddy Power…

Is it day three of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds already? How time flies - it seems like it was just yesterday that we were joking saying that Angelina Jolie was going to adopt a little Welsh kid. It wasn't. It was the day before yesterday. But day three of the Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds means we have to get serious. For the uninitiated, this week we're investigating which country Angelina Jolie will go to next to satisfy her weird compulsive urge to adopt every child that's ever been born. Why? So you can bet on it and get rich, perhaps using the winnings to build an airtight vault so you can lock your children away safe from Angelina Jolie's adopty hands. If you do choose to do that, remember - no airholes. Angelina Jolie is trained to detect carbon dioxide emitting from scared children. So here are today's Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for Nigeria and Mexico - with help from Paddy Power...
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Woo-Hah! Busta Rhymes Assault Cases Go To Trial

by Stuart Heritage

Busta Rhymes is famous for his rapid-fire flow, but there’s a chance that the only time Busta Rhymes will get to use this skill over the next two years is when he needs to swiftly convince his burly cellmate not to anally brutalise him in his sleep.

Because Busta Rhymes’ extraordinary run of allegedly being quite a violent dick to people seems to have caught up with him. Although the two assault charges against Busta Rhymes looked set to come to nothing when a judge offered him a plea bargain last month, the way that Busta Rhymes almost immediately ran a red light on a suspended license means that the plea deal is now off, and Busta Rhymes now faces two years in jail when he stands trial in May. And if that happens, Busta Rhymes will only be singing one tune until 2009 – Put Your Hands Why My Eyes Can See (Because I Don’t Want You Hitting Me On The Head With Some Rubble In A Sock).

Busta Rhymes is famous for his rapid-fire flow, but there's a chance that the only time Busta Rhymes will get to use this skill over the next two years is when he needs to swiftly convince his burly cellmate not to anally brutalise him in his sleep. Because Busta Rhymes' extraordinary run of allegedly being quite a violent dick to people seems to have caught up with him. Although the two assault charges against Busta Rhymes looked set to come to nothing when a judge offered him a plea bargain last month, the way that Busta Rhymes almost immediately ran a red light on a suspended license means that the plea deal is now off, and Busta Rhymes now faces two years in jail when he stands trial in May. And if that happens, Busta Rhymes will only be singing one tune until 2009 - Put Your Hands Why My Eyes Can See (Because I Don't Want You Hitting Me On The Head With Some Rubble In A Sock).
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Martin Scorsese & Leonardo DiCaprio Team Up For Wolf Flick

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a fact that the only films being made in Hollywood at the moment are all either going to star Leonardo DiCaprio, be directed by Martin Scorsese or star Leonardo DiCaprio and be directed by Martin Scorsese, just like The Wolf Of Wall Street.

The Wolf Of Wall Street is a new movie based on an unpublished book about a wolf in Wall Street who goes to prison for carrying a dead sheep into the New York Stock Exchange in his teeth. That’s what we presume, anyway – the book hasn’t been published yet. Anyway, The Wolf Of Wall Street is probably going to be directed by Martin Scorsese and star Leonardo DiCaprio. While it would be foolhardy to try and second-guess what Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio will bring to The Wolf Of Wall Street, on previous Scorsese/DiCaprio experience we think that it’ll feature either dirty police work, a rich man flying a plane or Cameron Diaz being unconvincing to a man in top hat with a funny moustache.

It's a fact that the only films being made in Hollywood at the moment are all either going to star Leonardo DiCaprio, be directed by Martin Scorsese or star Leonardo DiCaprio and be directed by Martin Scorsese, just like The Wolf Of Wall Street. The Wolf Of Wall Street is a new movie based on an unpublished book about a wolf in Wall Street who goes to prison for carrying a dead sheep into the New York Stock Exchange in his teeth. That's what we presume, anyway - the book hasn't been published yet. Anyway, The Wolf Of Wall Street is probably going to be directed by Martin Scorsese and star Leonardo DiCaprio. While it would be foolhardy to try and second-guess what Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio will bring to The Wolf Of Wall Street, on previous Scorsese/DiCaprio experience we think that it'll feature either dirty police work, a rich man flying a plane or Cameron Diaz being unconvincing to a man in top hat with a funny moustache.
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Eminem To Stop Murdering His Ex-Wife In Songs

by Stuart Heritage

As well as marrying, divorcing and remarrying his ex-wife Kim every other day like some kind of OCD wedding cake freak, Eminem mainly fills his spare time with writing and performing songs about how much he likes murdering his ex-wife Kim.

Or at least that’s what Eminem used to do – yesterday morning Eminem and Kim Mathers went to court to enter into a parental cooperation pact, effectively prohibiting both of them from trash-talking one another in public for the benefit of Hailie Jade, their 11-year-old daughter. As far as we can see, this parental cooperation pact means that Eminem can no longer perform songs about throwing Kim into the boot of his car and then stabbing her to death while screaming “BLEED, BITCH, BLEED!” before dumping her body in a lake, while Kim Mathers will no longer be able to quietly mutter about the way that Eminem used to cut his toenails in bed – so it pretty much evens out.

As well as marrying, divorcing and remarrying his ex-wife Kim every other day like some kind of OCD wedding cake freak, Eminem mainly fills his spare time with writing and performing songs about how much he likes murdering his ex-wife Kim. Or at least that's what Eminem used to do - yesterday morning Eminem and Kim Mathers went to court to enter into a parental cooperation pact, effectively prohibiting both of them from trash-talking one another in public for the benefit of Hailie Jade, their 11-year-old daughter. As far as we can see, this parental cooperation pact means that Eminem can no longer perform songs about throwing Kim into the boot of his car and then stabbing her to death while screaming "BLEED, BITCH, BLEED!" before dumping her body in a lake, while Kim Mathers will no longer be able to quietly mutter about the way that Eminem used to cut his toenails in bed - so it pretty much evens out.
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Wife of Velvet Revolver Frontman Starts Impromptu Bonfire

by hecklerspray staff

Ah, Hollywood. My how you’ve changed…

Gone are the days of The Cosby Show, when Bill and Claire Huxtable taught their children of oddly various hues a valuable lesson in a 30-minute show whilst we reluctantly endured your attempts to increase our appreciation of jazz or education. Also gone are the days where rock stars kept their domestic squabbles swept under the rug where they belong, until the day when one of their messed-up kids writes a defacing tell-all book or made-for-TV movie to pay the bills until the next instalment of Celebrity Fit Club comes a-knocking at their door.

In these modern times of Hollywood, you can’t go a day without hearing about some celebrity trying to beat the living snot out of their spouse, or vice versa. Well, boys and girls, today’s tale of dysfunction, includes blood, violence, and fire – thanks to Velvet Revolver nee Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland and his blushing bride. Seriously, people. Keep the arson and such under wraps, because you’re taking up valuable press space that could be devoted to finding the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith’s colon.

Ah, Hollywood. My how you’ve changed… Gone are the days of The Cosby Show, when Bill and Claire Huxtable taught their children of oddly various hues a valuable lesson in a 30-minute show whilst we reluctantly endured your attempts to increase our appreciation of jazz or education. Also gone are the days where rock stars kept their domestic squabbles swept under the rug where they belong, until the day when one of their messed-up kids writes a defacing tell-all book or made-for-TV movie to pay the bills until the next instalment of Celebrity Fit Club comes a-knocking at their door. In these modern times of Hollywood, you can’t go a day without hearing about some celebrity trying to beat the living snot out of their spouse, or vice versa. Well, boys and girls, today’s tale of dysfunction, includes blood, violence, and fire - thanks to Velvet Revolver nee Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland and his blushing bride. Seriously, people. Keep the arson and such under wraps, because you’re taking up valuable press space that could be devoted to finding the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith’s colon.
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