When you've adopted as many kids as Angelina Jolie, you start to learn all kinds of lessons - like how to say "We don't like Jennifer Aniston, do we" in Vietnamese - but protecting your adopted children from kidnap probably isn't among them.

Nevertheless, a plot has apparently been uncovered to kidnap Angelina Jolie's newest adopted baby Pax Thien and hold him hostage for a £50 million ransom. And, accordingly, it's thought that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have stepped up their security to brand new levels to make sure nothing like this ever happens to Pax Thien or any of their other children again. Paying for extra security is obviously the wisest move, since a kidnap would mean that Angelina Jolie would need to make ten more Tomb Raider sequels to cover the cost of the £50 million ransom. Those kidnappers sure are one bunch of sick bastards to want to put us through that.

You know what's worse than a celebrity getting arrested for DUI? A celebrity getting arrested for DUI who's technically a celebrity even though people don't know who he is - so say hi to Taboo, he's been arrested for driving around whacked on pot.

Taboo? Taboo? Who's he? Well obviously Taboo is a member of the Black Eyed Peas, although not any of the ones you'll have heard of. Anyway, long story short, at 8:30 on Tuesday morning, Taboo was driving around a town with a silly name when he was involved in a minor car crash. Police then found a small amount of marijuana and some medication that Taboo didn't have a prescription for and swiftly busted Taboo for suspected DUI. After this harrowing ordeal, Taboo has vowed to detail his rough treatment at the hands of the Los Angeles police department in a new Black Eyed Peas song, tentatively entitled Let's Have A Happy Happy Party Disco Time Baby (Ooh Yeah Yeah).

The sole reason all of humanity has survived and thrived this long is the female body's amazing ability to generate new life. Not only can those things reproduce earthworm-style, where once cut in half each piece grows back into a whole lady, but it can also reproduce seahorse style, where the ripe she-woman sprays egg-babies into the ocean to be later hosed-down by their  male counterparts during halftime.

And on top of all that there's still the oldest baby-making way of all - getting knocked up at the business end of a microscope. Speaking of which - Nicole Kidman and her one-plaid-sportscoat-away from being a car salesman husband have big news. They're expecting! Or so says the astrologer we pay to chart big celebrity news. Trust us though - Fiddy Cent's mom has only been wrong once - and that was just bad career advice she gave someone unspecific. She accurately called both Britney Spears pregnancies and she correctly foretold the Brangelina baby. Madame Cent even said Hilary Duff could never have children due to a strangely placed dog bite she got when she was three. On the nethers.

We're not sure about that last one though, because Duff's gynaecologist, apparently, is financially well-enough off.

There are still four more months until Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows - the final book in the Harry Potter series - is published, and the excitement is so palpable that people are literally wetting themselves over a cartoon of Harry Potter.

Yesterday the new cover art for various international versions of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows were revealed and Harry Potter fans have been frantically unpicking all the artwork's symbolism ever since in a bid to try and work out the fate of their hero. In short - the American Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows cover shows Harry Potter reaching for the sky surrounded by scenes of destruction, the British version shows Harry Potter seemingly doing some karate in a vault full of Scrooge McDuck-style loot, the adult British version of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows shows a locket with an 'S' on it and the Malaysian version shows Harry Potter dead on the floor with Ron saying to Hermione "So Lord Voldemort did kill Harry after all. I certainly didn't see that coming."

If hecklerspray was to go back in time, it'd go back to the time of the Vikings. Not because of our fondness for raping and pillaging, of course, but because we've just identified a gap in the Viking market for sarcastic celebrity gossip websites. But we digress.

We'll never be able to

Our telepathy machines are telling us you're in the mood for some obliquely political raw art-punk noise - which is a flipping good job, because that's exactly what we have right here in the form of Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers.

"The Blood Brothers?" you're silently asking yourself, "Aren't they that dirty bunch of

Actually, scratch that. We don't need to know about that bumper packet of condoms you snapped up at the Boots Spring sale the other day. Let's rephrase the question - what would you describe as a musical bargain?

Picking up the new Arcade Fire CD for a fiver, perhaps? Shelling out 15 quid for some brand-new exclusive unreleased Radiohead tracks? The chance to mercilessly gun down 'the' Arctic Monkeys for the princely sum of £2.50 and a bag of chips?

All pretty good deal-breakers, we're sure you'll agree. And - we're sure you'll concur with this also - about a million times better than anything involving pasty-faced junkie and all-round waste of oxygen Pete Doherty.

OK, we're just going to come out with it; every day you people come here for the latest nugget of sharply-written celebrity news - and the occasional less sharply-written nugget of YouTube Awards news - and, well, now it's your turn to help us.

The more keenly observant among you will have noticed that hecklerspray is looking for some designers at the