From the monthly archives:

March 2007

SLACKERJACK – Tale Of 3 Vikings

by Stuart Heritage

If hecklerspray was to go back in time, it’d go back to the time of the Vikings. Not because of our fondness for raping and pillaging, of course, but because we’ve just identified a gap in the Viking market for sarcastic celebrity gossip websites. But we digress.

We’ll never be able to go back in time to visit the Vikings, but the next best thing is clearly Tale Of 3 Vikings, today’s Slackerjack. Tale Of 3 Vikings is a little bit like Tanks, in that you have a cannon and you must tinker with power and angles to destroy someone else’s cannon. But the beauty of Tale Of 3 Vikings is that there are, you know, Vikings and stuff in it. And Vikings are cool. Also, as far as tanks-clones go, Tale Of 3 Vikings is almost illegally easy to pick up and play. But mainly the Vikings thing if we’re honest.

Order Tale Of 3 Vikings Now

Download Tale Of 3 Vikings

If hecklerspray was to go back in time, it'd go back to the time of the Vikings. Not because of our fondness for raping and pillaging, of course, but because we've just identified a gap in the Viking market for sarcastic celebrity gossip websites. But we digress. We'll never be able to go back in time to visit the Vikings, but the next best thing is clearly Tale Of 3 Vikings, today's Slackerjack. Tale Of 3 Vikings is a little bit like Tanks, in that you have a cannon and you must tinker with power and angles to destroy someone else's cannon. But the beauty of Tale Of 3 Vikings is that there are, you know, Vikings and stuff in it. And Vikings are cool. Also, as far as tanks-clones go, Tale Of 3 Vikings is almost illegally easy to pick up and play. But mainly the Vikings thing if we're honest. Order Tale Of 3 Vikings Now Download Tale Of 3 Vikings
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Watch The Blood Brothers Lazer Life Video

by Stuart Heritage

Our telepathy machines are telling us you’re in the mood for some obliquely political raw art-punk noise – which is a flipping good job, because that’s exactly what we have right here in the form of Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers.

“The Blood Brothers?” you’re silently asking yourself, “Aren’t they that dirty bunch of screaming noisemakers responsible for Set Fire To The Face On Fire?” And you’re right – they are. But new Blood Brothers single Lazer Life is an entirely different proposition. Where Set Fire To The Face On Fire sounded like – according to us – “a nursery school being electrocuted by a maniac with a ghetto blaster” Lazer Life sees The Blood Brothers in a more reflective mood. There’s a Spoon-ish Rhodes groove, a whip-tight beat and some unusually !!!-style vocals. Why, Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers could almost be a radio hit.

And then at 1:55 the universe explodes. You’ll see what we mean.

Watch the Blood Brothers Lazer Light video now

Our telepathy machines are telling us you're in the mood for some obliquely political raw art-punk noise - which is a flipping good job, because that's exactly what we have right here in the form of Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers. "The Blood Brothers?" you're silently asking yourself, "Aren't they that dirty bunch of screaming noisemakers responsible for Set Fire To The Face On Fire?" And you're right - they are. But new Blood Brothers single Lazer Life is an entirely different proposition. Where Set Fire To The Face On Fire sounded like - according to us - "a nursery school being electrocuted by a maniac with a ghetto blaster" Lazer Life sees The Blood Brothers in a more reflective mood. There's a Spoon-ish Rhodes groove, a whip-tight beat and some unusually !!!-style vocals. Why, Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers could almost be a radio hit. And then at 1:55 the universe explodes. You'll see what we mean. Watch the Blood Brothers Lazer Light video now
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Pete Doherty Apparently A £100 ‘Bargain’

by C J Davies

What, dear reader, would you describe as a bargain?

Actually, scratch that. We don’t need to know about that bumper packet of condoms you snapped up at the Boots Spring sale the other day. Let’s rephrase the question – what would you describe as a musical bargain?

Picking up the new Arcade Fire CD for a fiver, perhaps? Shelling out 15 quid for some brand-new exclusive unreleased Radiohead tracks? The chance to mercilessly gun down ‘the’ Arctic Monkeys for the princely sum of £2.50 and a bag of chips?

All pretty good deal-breakers, we’re sure you’ll agree. And – we’re sure you’ll concur with this also – about a million times better than anything involving pasty-faced junkie and all-round waste of oxygen Pete Doherty.

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Tell Us What You Think About hecklerspray

by Stuart Heritage

OK, we’re just going to come out with it; every day you people come here for the latest nugget of sharply-written celebrity news – and the occasional less sharply-written nugget of YouTube Awards news – and, well, now it’s your turn to help us.

The more keenly observant among you will have noticed that hecklerspray is looking for some designers at the moment, since we’re lining up a bewitching redesign that will change the way you perceive the internet forever, or – more realistically – change the way you perceive hecklerspray for a couple of minutes. And now we want to know what you want to see on hecklerspray. What you like, what you dislike, what you want to see more of. Features? Subjects? More pictures of the writers standing around crying and drunk in nothing but their underwear? We’re listening, and we promise to abide by your every idea. Unless your idea is crap, naturally.

Leave us your thoughts in the comments box below and we’ll put them all in a big notebook or something. And there are more than a million of you, remember, so if we don’t get at least a million solid gold ideas, it’ll be straight to bed with no tea for the lot of you.

OK, we're just going to come out with it; every day you people come here for the latest nugget of sharply-written celebrity news - and the occasional less sharply-written nugget of YouTube Awards news - and, well, now it's your turn to help us. The more keenly observant among you will have noticed that hecklerspray is looking for some designers at the moment, since we're lining up a bewitching redesign that will change the way you perceive the internet forever, or - more realistically - change the way you perceive hecklerspray for a couple of minutes. And now we want to know what you want to see on hecklerspray. What you like, what you dislike, what you want to see more of. Features? Subjects? More pictures of the writers standing around crying and drunk in nothing but their underwear? We're listening, and we promise to abide by your every idea. Unless your idea is crap, naturally. Leave us your thoughts in the comments box below and we'll put them all in a big notebook or something. And there are more than a million of you, remember, so if we don't get at least a million solid gold ideas, it'll be straight to bed with no tea for the lot of you.
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Angelina Jolie Adoption Betting Odds: Philippines & Somalia

by Stuart Heritage

We’re in the penultimate day of our superbly-observed and only marginally tasteless Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds, where we decide to seize upon the public mood by trying to get you to make money from guessing where Angelina Jolie adopts from next.

But, look, we’re going to level with you here. We’ve come across something we weren’t really anticipating. As always, we’ve been rattling through these betting odds from the bottom up – and that’s great fun when it comes to dashing off jokey profiles about why Angelina Jolie would want to adopt a nice little Welsh kid. But now that the week is nearly over we’ve realised that now we’ve kind of committed ourselves to write jokey profiles about why Angelina Jolie would want to adopt a baby from the battlefields of Somalia. Hear that sound? That’s us shooting ourselves in the foot.

Still place bets, though. Seriously, Somalia is a steal.

Here are the Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds – for the Philippines and Somalia -with help from Paddy Power…

We're in the penultimate day of our superbly-observed and only marginally tasteless Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds, where we decide to seize upon the public mood by trying to get you to make money from guessing where Angelina Jolie adopts from next. But, look, we're going to level with you here. We've come across something we weren't really anticipating. As always, we've been rattling through these betting odds from the bottom up - and that's great fun when it comes to dashing off jokey profiles about why Angelina Jolie would want to adopt a nice little Welsh kid. But now that the week is nearly over we've realised that now we've kind of committed ourselves to write jokey profiles about why Angelina Jolie would want to adopt a baby from the battlefields of Somalia. Hear that sound? That's us shooting ourselves in the foot. Still place bets, though. Seriously, Somalia is a steal. Here are the Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for the Philippines and Somalia -with help from Paddy Power...
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No More Punk’d: Ashton Kutcher Unemploy’d

by Stuart Heritage

It’s difficult to know whether Punk’d was brilliant TV or terrible TV. One the one hand, Punk’d showcased the comic talents of Ashton Kutcher as he played smug tricks on all his wealthy Hollywood chums, and on the oth- oh, OK, Punk’d was terrible TV.

Was terrible TV. Read that? Punk’d was terrible TV. Punk’d isn’t terrible TV any more because the forthcoming season of Punk’d will be the last – so make the most of seeing Ashton Kutcher leap around like an excited sugar-fuelled toddler, whooping and cackling about what a hilarious master of genius comedy he is in front of some non-plussed people who are far more famous than he is while you still can. We don’t know how Ashton Kutcher will follow Punk’d, but something tells us it’ll involve sleeping with Demi Moore a lot. Damn you Kutcher, why can’t you ever let us win?

It's difficult to know whether Punk'd was brilliant TV or terrible TV. One the one hand, Punk'd showcased the comic talents of Ashton Kutcher as he played smug tricks on all his wealthy Hollywood chums, and on the oth- oh, OK, Punk'd was terrible TV. Was terrible TV. Read that? Punk'd was terrible TV. Punk'd isn't terrible TV any more because the forthcoming season of Punk'd will be the last - so make the most of seeing Ashton Kutcher leap around like an excited sugar-fuelled toddler, whooping and cackling about what a hilarious master of genius comedy he is in front of some non-plussed people who are far more famous than he is while you still can. We don't know how Ashton Kutcher will follow Punk'd, but something tells us it'll involve sleeping with Demi Moore a lot. Damn you Kutcher, why can't you ever let us win?
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Da Vinci Code Really Really Not Plagiarised At All

by Stuart Heritage

It’s probably fair to assume that nobody on earth has thought about The Da Vinci Code for almost a year now – especially not Tom Hanks, who must shudder at the thought of that godawful mullet he sported in the Da Vinci Code movie.

No, that’s unfair. There have probably been a couple of people who have given The Da Vinci Code some thought lately, namely Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh. Baigent and Leigh last year went to court claiming that The Da Vinci Code was all their idea and that Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, had stolen all his ideas from a book they wrote containing similar claims about Jesus knocking up a hooker once. But that case was ruled in Dan Brown’s favour, so Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh appealed. And today that appeal was also dismissed, meaning that the pair now face legal fees of over £3 million – roughly the amount of money that Dan Brown wipes his bum on every morning while checking his hair in the reflection of the 100ft platinum statue he has of himself in his bathroom.

It's probably fair to assume that nobody on earth has thought about The Da Vinci Code for almost a year now - especially not Tom Hanks, who must shudder at the thought of that godawful mullet he sported in the Da Vinci Code movie. No, that's unfair. There have probably been a couple of people who have given The Da Vinci Code some thought lately, namely Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh. Baigent and Leigh last year went to court claiming that The Da Vinci Code was all their idea and that Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, had stolen all his ideas from a book they wrote containing similar claims about Jesus knocking up a hooker once. But that case was ruled in Dan Brown's favour, so Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh appealed. And today that appeal was also dismissed, meaning that the pair now face legal fees of over £3 million - roughly the amount of money that Dan Brown wipes his bum on every morning while checking his hair in the reflection of the 100ft platinum statue he has of himself in his bathroom.
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Heather Mills Literally Does A Sort Of Backflip Thing

by Stuart Heritage

When Heather Mills signed up for Dancing With The Stars, it was obviously a ploy to change the public perception of her from ‘Heather Mills The Greedy Fool’ to ‘Heather Mills The Greedy Fool Who Does A Little Dance From Time To Time’ – it’s worked.

Even though most people expected Heather Mills to get the chop from Dancing With The Stars almost immediately due to the cruel combo-hit of a) only having one leg and b) being almost universally disliked by everyone – it seems like Heather Mills is powering into a prime position on Dancing With The Stars. And Heather Mills’ popularity on Dancing With The Stars was strengthened this week when she managed to pull off a perfect backflip during her routine to Mambo Italiano. It’s thought that Heather Mills picked up her amazing dexterity during her marriage to Paul McCartney, where she’d often have to backflip out of a room when he started attacking her with glassware. Well, either that or Heather Mills picked it up when she was a prostitute. If she was a prostitute. Which Heather Mills says she wasn’t. So that’s that cleared up.

When Heather Mills signed up for Dancing With The Stars, it was obviously a ploy to change the public perception of her from 'Heather Mills The Greedy Fool' to 'Heather Mills The Greedy Fool Who Does A Little Dance From Time To Time' - it's worked. Even though most people expected Heather Mills to get the chop from Dancing With The Stars almost immediately due to the cruel combo-hit of a) only having one leg and b) being almost universally disliked by everyone - it seems like Heather Mills is powering into a prime position on Dancing With The Stars. And Heather Mills' popularity on Dancing With The Stars was strengthened this week when she managed to pull off a perfect backflip during her routine to Mambo Italiano. It's thought that Heather Mills picked up her amazing dexterity during her marriage to Paul McCartney, where she'd often have to backflip out of a room when he started attacking her with glassware. Well, either that or Heather Mills picked it up when she was a prostitute. If she was a prostitute. Which Heather Mills says she wasn't. So that's that cleared up.
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Jessica Simpson Drives Minivan Full Of Screaming Orphans Through Mariachi Band

by Shawn Lindseth

No wait – that's misleading. Let us try to reword that headline: Mariachi Band Full of Orphans Eaten By Jessica Simpson's Minivan. No, that wasn't right either. Hows about: Jessica Simpson Surprised By Mariachi Band, Breaks In Front Of Mexican Orphanage. Nobody Eaten. We're getting closer. Headlines are tough – especially when they try to [...]

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Wynonna Judd To Divorce Creepy Sex-Charge Husband

by Stuart Heritage

“Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman,” goes the popular country song, “especially when your husband has just been arrested for doing a series of gruesome sex crimes on a child under the age of 13″ – and Wynonna Judd knows this song only too well.

Wynonna Judd, the country and western singer who has shifted over 30 million records and performed hits like Let’s Make A Baby King, Don’t You Throw That Mojo On Me and Flies On The Butter – which all stand strong in the canon of country songs about making baby kings, throwing mojos and butter with some flies on it, is divorcing her husband Dan Roach. Nothing wrong with that you might think, but Wynonna Judd is getting a divorce from Dan Roach because he keeps getting arrested for aggravated sexual battery against children. That, it’s fair to say, is a little different to divorcing someone because their nose squeaks when they inhale. Which is something we’d totally do anyway.

"Sometimes it's hard to be a woman," goes the popular country song, "especially when your husband has just been arrested for doing a series of gruesome sex crimes on a child under the age of 13" - and Wynonna Judd knows this song only too well. Wynonna Judd, the country and western singer who has shifted over 30 million records and performed hits like Let's Make A Baby King, Don't You Throw That Mojo On Me and Flies On The Butter - which all stand strong in the canon of country songs about making baby kings, throwing mojos and butter with some flies on it, is divorcing her husband Dan Roach. Nothing wrong with that you might think, but Wynonna Judd is getting a divorce from Dan Roach because he keeps getting arrested for aggravated sexual battery against children. That, it's fair to say, is a little different to divorcing someone because their nose squeaks when they inhale. Which is something we'd totally do anyway.
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