From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Anna Nicole Smith Buried In The Bahamas Tomorrow?

by Stuart Heritage

Bad news: the never-ending around the clock coverage of every single microscopic incident to have happened to Anna Nicole Smith since she died might be coming to an end shortly – it looks like everything’s been cleared for her burial tomorrow.

Despite Anna Nicole Smith’s estranged mother Virgie Arthur doing her damnedest to string out the battle for Anna Nicole Smith’s body for so long that all that’d be left of her at the end were some flies buzzing round a sticky puddle, her appeal against the decision to have Anna Nicole Smith buried in the Bahamas has been overturned. Now everything is set for Anna Nicole Smith to be buried in the Bahamian plot next to her son as early as 10:30 tomorrow morning. Then, and only then, will the public slowly begin the natural coping process that comes with reading news that isn’t about Anna Nicole Smith all the effing time.

Bad news: the never-ending around the clock coverage of every single microscopic incident to have happened to Anna Nicole Smith since she died might be coming to an end shortly - it looks like everything's been cleared for her burial tomorrow. Despite Anna Nicole Smith's estranged mother Virgie Arthur doing her damnedest to string out the battle for Anna Nicole Smith's body for so long that all that'd be left of her at the end were some flies buzzing round a sticky puddle, her appeal against the decision to have Anna Nicole Smith buried in the Bahamas has been overturned. Now everything is set for Anna Nicole Smith to be buried in the Bahamian plot next to her son as early as 10:30 tomorrow morning. Then, and only then, will the public slowly begin the natural coping process that comes with reading news that isn't about Anna Nicole Smith all the effing time.
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SLACKERJACK – X-Avenger

by Stuart Heritage

Goodness, but if X-Avenger isn’t a boy’s game. Everything about X-Avenger has been deliberately targeted for boys, from the action filmy ‘Avenger’ part to the sexy yet mysterious ‘X’ part. If there was a subgame involving bikini models we’d really be talking, but there isn’t, so shut up. Wooooar! BOYS!

Even X-Avenger’s official description is jam-packed full of the sort of words that make boys imagine they’re superheroes, look:

The most advanced and powerful spacecraft ever built is yours to command in this brilliant shooter game! Wield a dominating array of energy, missile, and other advanced weaponry as you take the fight to the merciless Orion invaders, penetrating their secret stronghold in Dimension-X and thwarting their evil plans.

Powerful? Dominating? Advanced weaponry? Thwarting? WOOOOAR! These are BOY-WORDS! But dropping all the ridiculous machismo for a second, X-Avenger is actually a perfectly competent little game. In X-Avenger you need to think as well as blast, and we’re yet to meet anyone that hasn’t enjoyed it completely. Except girls. But girls are crap. WOOOOOOAR!!!

Order X-Avenger Now

Download X-Avenger

Goodness, but if X-Avenger isn't a boy's game. Everything about X-Avenger has been deliberately targeted for boys, from the action filmy 'Avenger' part to the sexy yet mysterious 'X' part. If there was a subgame involving bikini models we'd really be talking, but there isn't, so shut up. Wooooar! BOYS! Even X-Avenger's official description is jam-packed full of the sort of words that make boys imagine they're superheroes, look: The most advanced and powerful spacecraft ever built is yours to command in this brilliant shooter game! Wield a dominating array of energy, missile, and other advanced weaponry as you take the fight to the merciless Orion invaders, penetrating their secret stronghold in Dimension-X and thwarting their evil plans. Powerful? Dominating? Advanced weaponry? Thwarting? WOOOOAR! These are BOY-WORDS! But dropping all the ridiculous machismo for a second, X-Avenger is actually a perfectly competent little game. In X-Avenger you need to think as well as blast, and we're yet to meet anyone that hasn't enjoyed it completely. Except girls. But girls are crap. WOOOOOOAR!!! Order X-Avenger Now Download X-Avenger
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Watch The Grace Wonderful Video

by Stuart Heritage

File this one under Bands You Kind Of Like Now But Are Prepared To Be Pretty Sick Of By Christmas. We get the creeping suspicion that Grace are going to be pretty enormous this year, so now’s the time to get in quick and quite like them before everyone else does.

It’s chilling to think that a song like Wonderful can only be Grace’s second single; the level of production – and quality of video – that has gone into Wonderful suggests that someone is putting a lot of money behind Grace, and the band are starting to get noticed where it matters. Barefoot Terrahawk puppet Jo Wiley and indie cyborg Zane Lowe have already been playing Grace songs, and the band’s last single made it into The Times’ Songs Of 2006 list. Having said all that, though, Wonderful by Grace does sound a little bit like it was put together by a committee – “Like Radiohead, yeah? Only happier. Can we make them sound a bit more like Keane? But thin. Imaging the potential of a thin Keane” – but maybe when Grace’s album comes out they’ll sound a little bit more like themselves.

Watch the Grace Wonderful video now

File this one under Bands You Kind Of Like Now But Are Prepared To Be Pretty Sick Of By Christmas. We get the creeping suspicion that Grace are going to be pretty enormous this year, so now's the time to get in quick and quite like them before everyone else does. It's chilling to think that a song like Wonderful can only be Grace's second single; the level of production - and quality of video - that has gone into Wonderful suggests that someone is putting a lot of money behind Grace, and the band are starting to get noticed where it matters. Barefoot Terrahawk puppet Jo Wiley and indie cyborg Zane Lowe have already been playing Grace songs, and the band's last single made it into The Times' Songs Of 2006 list. Having said all that, though, Wonderful by Grace does sound a little bit like it was put together by a committee - "Like Radiohead, yeah? Only happier. Can we make them sound a bit more like Keane? But thin. Imaging the potential of a thin Keane" - but maybe when Grace's album comes out they'll sound a little bit more like themselves. Watch the Grace Wonderful video now
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That Twonk From The Darkness Might Do Eurovision

by Stuart Heritage

The Eurovision Song Contest is a bit like the World Cup in that UK victory seems certain beforehand, until we’re painfully reminded of what a dreadful bag of bum we are – case in point: Justin Hawkins from The Darkness wants to do Eurovision 2007.

That’s right, Justin Hawkins from The Darkness – remember that joke band from a few years ago who had that one song you sort of liked before you bought their first album and listened to it four times, getting progressively more and more irritated each time? Yeah, them. Anyway, Justin Hawkins is on the shortlist to represent the UK in May’s Eurovision Song Contest. But don’t worry; Britain gets to choose its own Eurovision entry, and as well as Justin Hawkins – basically a has-been twonk from a broken-up band from the past – you’ll also be able to pick from, um, two other has-been twonks from broken-up bands from the past, two reformed bands that nobody actually cared about in the first place and someone who wouldn’t even be recognised by their own parents. Terry Wogan must be crying into his Guinness.

The Eurovision Song Contest is a bit like the World Cup in that UK victory seems certain beforehand, until we're painfully reminded of what a dreadful bag of bum we are - case in point: Justin Hawkins from The Darkness wants to do Eurovision 2007. That's right, Justin Hawkins from The Darkness - remember that joke band from a few years ago who had that one song you sort of liked before you bought their first album and listened to it four times, getting progressively more and more irritated each time? Yeah, them. Anyway, Justin Hawkins is on the shortlist to represent the UK in May's Eurovision Song Contest. But don't worry; Britain gets to choose its own Eurovision entry, and as well as Justin Hawkins - basically a has-been twonk from a broken-up band from the past - you'll also be able to pick from, um, two other has-been twonks from broken-up bands from the past, two reformed bands that nobody actually cared about in the first place and someone who wouldn't even be recognised by their own parents. Terry Wogan must be crying into his Guinness.
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Chris Morris: New Project Revealed

by C J Davies

We’re big fans of Chris Morris here at hecklerspray.

The comedic gent behind The Day Today, Brass Eye and Jam has produced some of the most genuinely innovative and hilarious British comedy of the last 20 years. In fact, we’re such fans that we’ll even forgive him for that slightly rubbish Nathan Barley series that no-one watched a couple of years back.

It’s always with a tinge of excitement, then – which is a big thing round these parts – that we receive news on what Chris Morris is up to next.

Apparently he’s making something about terrorists.

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Jay Kay To Quit Making Awful Music

by C J Davies

An open letter from hecklerspray to God:

Dear Lord,

We’ve never really believed in you. We’re sorry. Nothing personal.

It’s just that you didn’t exactly make it easy, did you? We mean… look at all the suffering that goes on in the world. Look at the horrific extent of man’s eternal inhumanity to man. Look at the dismal and depressing things that happen on this spinning globe of ours every single day.

But now? Now you’ve proven yourself. And in a pretty fantastic way, too.

Let’s face it – you could have done something that everyone was expecting, like parting the clouds to poke through your big beardy face and demanding an end to all wars. Or maybe granting everyone the gift of eternal life. Or maybe just making people be that extra-bit nice to each other.

Oh no. You’ve gone and done something even better.

You’re made Jay Kay from Jamiroquai stop making music.

An open letter from hecklerspray to God: Dear Lord, We've never really believed in you. We're sorry. Nothing personal. It's just that you didn't exactly make it easy, did you? We mean... look at all the suffering that goes on in the world. Look at the horrific extent of man's eternal inhumanity to man. Look at the dismal and depressing things that happen on this spinning globe of ours every single day. But now? Now you've proven yourself. And in a pretty fantastic way, too. Let's face it - you could have done something that everyone was expecting, like parting the clouds to poke through your big beardy face and demanding an end to all wars. Or maybe granting everyone the gift of eternal life. Or maybe just making people be that extra-bit nice to each other. Oh no. You've gone and done something even better. You're made Jay Kay from Jamiroquai stop making music.
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Anna Nicole Smith Babydaddy Betting Odds: Howard K Stern

by Stuart Heritage

It’s day two of our slightly tasteless – yet somehow entire appropriate – look at the runners and riders who are claiming that they knocked Anna Nicole Smith up enough for her to pop a baby out before she died.

Yesterday we started our Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds off by looking at the two rank outsiders – one of Anna Nicole’s bodyguards and some lunatic old German guy who probably never even met her. But enough with the smalltalk – today we’re getting serious and focusing on someone who already is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, in writing at least. And that’s all the proof he needs, even if about a million other people want him to spit in a cup just so they can make sure.

Here’s today’s Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds for – you guessed it – Howard K Stern. Betting odds, as ever, come from Paddy Power…

It's day two of our slightly tasteless - yet somehow entire appropriate - look at the runners and riders who are claiming that they knocked Anna Nicole Smith up enough for her to pop a baby out before she died. Yesterday we started our Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds off by looking at the two rank outsiders - one of Anna Nicole's bodyguards and some lunatic old German guy who probably never even met her. But enough with the smalltalk - today we're getting serious and focusing on someone who already is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, in writing at least. And that's all the proof he needs, even if about a million other people want him to spit in a cup just so they can make sure. Here's today's Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds for - you guessed it - Howard K Stern. Betting odds, as ever, come from Paddy Power...
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