In Borat's Kazakhstan, amputees stroll the streets with floppy fist-shaped dildos instead of hands and gays must all wear blue hats - but the US government says Borat himself is a victim of Kazakhstan's human rights violations, even though he isn't real.

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has just released the State Department's human rights report. In it, Kazakhstan gets thumped pretty heavily for possible government-instigated murders and human trafficking and the like, but what really irked Rice was the way that the Kazakhstan government banned Borat from using a Kazakh-registered website a couple of years ago. As well as standing up for Borat in the human rights report, Condoleezza Rice also vowed to invade Narnia for keeping it winter but never Christmas and made several mentions of an episode of The Twilight Zone she saw once where there was a camera that could take pictures of five minutes into the future, because "that was probably a bit human rightsy too."

Normally at this point of the day we'd direct you to an online game where you have to crack open an alien's brain, fill it with explosives and see how far you can make its eyes pop out, but not today. Today we're looking at Enchanted Gardens. No, come back.

Although Enchanted Gardens sounds like the

Ever since as long as we can remember - OK, since the middle of last June - we've used our MySpace Trawl feature to crack open a band with a MySpace profile and write about what we find; but what if you wrote about some MySpace bands, and won stuff for

We've never paid much attention to Joss Stone here - yokels with rubbish hair shouting Aretha Franklin songs have never been our cup of tea, really - but that was before Joss Stone turned into a berserko nutjob who apparently lives on the moon.

After all, it was Joss Stone who single-handedly stole the show at The Brit Awards this year by launching into a confused monologue in a broad American accent about what Russell Brand would be like if he was discussing Robbie Williams' recent rehab stint with Amy Winehouse using only the medium of ridiculous singing - and it's looking alarmingly like Joss Stone's behaviour at The Brits wasn't a one-time thing, either. At a comeback gig in London on Tuesday night, Joss Stone was reportedly booed by the crowd after she turned up an hour late and then complained about being famous instead of singing songs.

These days you literally can't walk into a department store without some over-lacquered bimbette squirting you in the eyes with chemicals until you drop on the floor, then to start screaming at your convulsing torso about the new perfume by Celine Dion.

The cult of

You lucky kids. Celebrity Fame Academy is now on every night until Comic Relief - that's nine full nights of watching Patrick Kielty making godawful tit jokes, so Miranda Hart is actually lucky; she's out of Celebrity Fame Academy so won't hear them.

Miranda Hart's Celebrity Fame Academy performance of Physical wasn't enough to really convince anyone that she deserved the final spot in the academy; possibly because we own clumps of cheese that the general public would recognise more than Miranda Hart, and possibly because Miranda Hart's singing voice sounds pretty much identical to the moment that a teenage choirboy's voice breaks mid-song, only stretched out into a terrifying infinity. But don't cry for Miranda Hart - following Celebrity Fame Academy she'll ease back into her normal routine or doing cameos as weird-looking members of the service industry in occasional episodes of sitcoms that we don't watch. 

But now that Miranda Hart has been booted out of Celebrity Fame Academy, who's going to win? Here's part two of this week's Celebrity Fame Academy betting odds - for Linda Robson, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Tim Vine and Zoe Salmon - with betting odds from Paddy Power...

John Inman - known to millions as the cartoonishly gay one from sitcom Are You Being Served? - has died this morning in a London hospital after a battle with liver disease, it has been announced. He was 71.

According to reports, John Inman died at 4am today in St Mary's Hospital in Paddington after a long illness. John Inman's manager Phil Dale gave the following statement:

"John, through his character Mr Humphries of Are You Being Served? was known and loved throughout the world. He was one of the best and finest pantomime dames working to capacity audiences throughout Britain. John was known for his comedy plays and farces which were enjoyed from London's West End throughout the country and as far as Australia, Canada and the USA."

Earlier this week we became suddenly and supremely jealous of Kanye West because he was apparently going to pay thousands of pounds to transport a giant curried fish from Wales to New York for his dinner - yeah, turns out that was bollocks.

The British Raj Indian restaurant near Newport in Wales had spent a large portion of this week gibbering on about how it was going to send a curried five-foot Ayre fish to New York in a succession of helicopters, jet planes and limousines along with the restaurant's renowned chef Kaysor Ahmed in order to carefully hand-prepare a vast Indian banquet for a meeting between Kanye West and some of his entourage. Only thing is, though, Kanye West isn't in New York, there was never any meeting planned and there's now a gigantic curried fish in New York that probably should be there.