From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Watch The Calvin Harris Acceptable In The 80s Video

by Stuart Heritage

It’s become quite fashionable for people to think that the 1980s were cool. They weren’t cool. They were shit. No iPods, no internet, no computer games that didn’t take eight weeks to load up off a poxy cassette tape. No sir, the 1980s were crap.

But hindsight’s pretty genius, and it has allowed wizards like Calvin Harris make songs like Acceptable In The 80s. Acceptable In The 80s by Calvin Harris is a hulking great slab of electropop that grabs you by the ears and blows you out of the fluorescent socks that you wear ironically because you saw a picture of Nikki from Big Brother wearing them in Heat once. Released as a download on Monday, Acceptable In The 80s by Calvin Harris is full of so many robotic disco hooks that it won’t let you go all weekend, and it’s got a video that’s more brightly-coloured than a Tweenie with a sinus infection. You’ll like it.

Watch The Calvin Harris Acceptable In The 80s video now

It's become quite fashionable for people to think that the 1980s were cool. They weren't cool. They were shit. No iPods, no internet, no computer games that didn't take eight weeks to load up off a poxy cassette tape. No sir, the 1980s were crap. But hindsight's pretty genius, and it has allowed wizards like Calvin Harris make songs like Acceptable In The 80s. Acceptable In The 80s by Calvin Harris is a hulking great slab of electropop that grabs you by the ears and blows you out of the fluorescent socks that you wear ironically because you saw a picture of Nikki from Big Brother wearing them in Heat once. Released as a download on Monday, Acceptable In The 80s by Calvin Harris is full of so many robotic disco hooks that it won't let you go all weekend, and it's got a video that's more brightly-coloured than a Tweenie with a sinus infection. You'll like it. Watch The Calvin Harris Acceptable In The 80s video now
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Charlotte Church Pregnant Betting Odds: Baby Name A-Go-Go

by Stuart Heritage

You know us by now – when a big news story hits we instinctively think two things: 1) “what a massive twat” and 2) “can we do betting on this?” But hey, it’s not just big stories that make us think this, it’s also cripplingly mediocre ones.

Like, oooh, Charlotte Church getting pregnant. Again, you know what the score is here as well; Charlotte Church – the chainsmoking, permanently binge-drunk opera singer turned rubbish TV presenter – recently made everyone think that she’d fallen pregnant by celebrating her 21st birthday in a manner other than drinking her own weight in cheeky Vimtos and then vomiting into her cleavage on the taxi-ride home. And now it’s official – as we announced yesterday, Charlotte Church is pregnant.

So now that Charlotte Church is pregnant, our minds naturally fall to one thing – what the hell is Charlotte Church going to call her baby? Here are the – you guessed it – pregnant Charlotte Church baby name betting odds, with help from Paddy Power…

You know us by now - when a big news story hits we instinctively think two things: 1) "what a massive twat" and 2) "can we do betting on this?" But hey, it's not just big stories that make us think this, it's also cripplingly mediocre ones. Like, oooh, Charlotte Church getting pregnant. Again, you know what the score is here as well; Charlotte Church - the chainsmoking, permanently binge-drunk opera singer turned rubbish TV presenter - recently made everyone think that she'd fallen pregnant by celebrating her 21st birthday in a manner other than drinking her own weight in cheeky Vimtos and then vomiting into her cleavage on the taxi-ride home. And now it's official - as we announced yesterday, Charlotte Church is pregnant. So now that Charlotte Church is pregnant, our minds naturally fall to one thing - what the hell is Charlotte Church going to call her baby? Here are the - you guessed it - pregnant Charlotte Church baby name betting odds, with help from Paddy Power...
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Goon From The Darkness – Why I’m Doing Eurovision

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday, hecklerspray revealed this year’s hopeful acts for the Eurovision Song Contest. While most artists from the UK usually gun for a Brit or a Mercury Music prize, some acts don’t want national fame for their musical ability. Instead, they’d rather be laughed off the face of the planet.

One individual in particular didn’t need The Eurovision Song Contest for us to mock and scorn him. We did it when he fronted wanky-sounding band The Darkness. The only honour he had in the hecklerspray office was when we used a picture of his face to throw darts at. While the other no-hopers want to represent the UK in Eurovision for a quick career boost, Justin Hawkins had other reasons…

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Anna Nicole Smith Babydaddy Betting Odds: Larry Birkhead & YOU

by Stuart Heritage

Today’s a sad day for Anna Nicole Smith fans everywhere – no, not because she’s getting buried later on, because it’s the final day of our tasteless (but not as tasteless as arguing over a dead body) Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds.

That’s right – we’re giving you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to financially benefit from the uncertain parentage of a dead pornstar’s baby, so make sure you snap it up before people start doing doing DNA tests and whatnot. So far this week we’ve discovered that Anna Nicole Smith’s cake-baking bodyguard probably isn’t her babydaddy, nor is that crazy old German dude she never met. Anna Nicole Smith’s boyfriend Howard K Stern might be her babydaddy, but people are dubious. And today we’re concluding the Anna Nicole Smith betting odds by presenting the favourite man to have knocked Anna Nicole Smith up with her baby daughter.

Here are the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds for Larry Birkhead and Every Other Man Alive, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Today's a sad day for Anna Nicole Smith fans everywhere - no, not because she's getting buried later on, because it's the final day of our tasteless (but not as tasteless as arguing over a dead body) Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds. That's right - we're giving you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to financially benefit from the uncertain parentage of a dead pornstar's baby, so make sure you snap it up before people start doing doing DNA tests and whatnot. So far this week we've discovered that Anna Nicole Smith's cake-baking bodyguard probably isn't her babydaddy, nor is that crazy old German dude she never met. Anna Nicole Smith's boyfriend Howard K Stern might be her babydaddy, but people are dubious. And today we're concluding the Anna Nicole Smith betting odds by presenting the favourite man to have knocked Anna Nicole Smith up with her baby daughter. Here are the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds for Larry Birkhead and Every Other Man Alive, with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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Paul McCartney & Heather Mills Hit The Divorce Courts

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a long time coming, but the big Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills “You stabbed me in the bloody arm”/ “Oh do shut up, you yakky old one-leg” divorce case has finally gone to the High Court, and so far it looks like Paul McCartney is winning.

According to reports, a High Court judge spent much of yesterday throwing out many of the claims that Heather Mills had made against Paul McCartney, although it’s not entirely clear exactly which claims were thrown out and which stayed. Fingers crossed that there’s more life in the whole ‘Paul McCartney stabby stabby stab’ claim, because God knows that’s kept us going through some dark dark times.

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Charlotte Church Definitely Pregnant With A Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Remember earlier in the week when everyone thought Charlotte Church was pregnant because she had a quiet birthday with the family instead of getting drunk in a pikey nightclub and starting a fight with a lamppost? Remember that?

Well, it turns out that all those Charlotte Church pregnant rumours were true. According to our new best friends Holy Moly:

The rumours have been doing the rounds for a while now since she had a sober birthday, but Holy Moly can exclusively reveal that Charlotte Church is indeed completely up the stick. Expect an official announcement soon.

We literally couldn’t be more excited, but that’s because we’re already taking bets on whether Charlotte Church’s pregnancy will result in a screaming self-important little girl or a bright orange little boy who takes just a little bit too much care of himself for our liking.

Well done on being pregnant, Charlotte Church. This doesn’t make us want to watch your awful TV show any more, though.

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HM Exclusive! Charlotte Church is Pregnant – Holy Moly

Remember earlier in the week when everyone thought Charlotte Church was pregnant because she had a quiet birthday with the family instead of getting drunk in a pikey nightclub and starting a fight with a lamppost? Remember that? Well, it turns out that all those Charlotte Church pregnant rumours were true. According to our new best friends Holy Moly: The rumours have been doing the rounds for a while now since she had a sober birthday, but Holy Moly can exclusively reveal that Charlotte Church is indeed completely up the stick. Expect an official announcement soon. We literally couldn't be more excited, but that's because we're already taking bets on whether Charlotte Church's pregnancy will result in a screaming self-important little girl or a bright orange little boy who takes just a little bit too much care of himself for our liking. Well done on being pregnant, Charlotte Church. This doesn't make us want to watch your awful TV show any more, though. Read more: HM Exclusive! Charlotte Church is Pregnant - Holy Moly
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MySpace Trawl – Medusa

by Matthew Laidlow

With hecklerspray’s current liking of all that is guitar-related, we thought it was about time we delved in to the scary and sometimes unpredictable world of hardcore rock and roll. We’re hard enough to take on anything. We think.

Now, usually when we pick out an act for you to listen to, we trawl through tons of stuff before picking something out. We listen to each song a good few times and then decide if they’re good enough. Well this time, we picked this week’s MySpace Trawl band Medusa partly because of their brilliant MySpace tagline – “We dick on the Towers Of London.” We think the Towers Of London are dicks, and if you agree with us, you’ll get in to our good books.

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Paris Hilton In Continued Spazzy-Driving Shock

by Stuart Heritage

If you want proof that money can’t buy you everything, just look at Paris Hilton; it couldn’t buy Paris Hilton a decent music or acting career or an eye that wasn’t a little bit skew-whiff – and now it can’t buy her the right to drive on a suspended license.

Way back when Paris Hilton was arrested for loading up on a cocktail and zooming about the streets of LA with her head all higgelty-piggelty from the booze, part of her punishment was to have her driving license suspended for 36 months. Christ alone what Paris Hilton thought ‘suspended’ meant – we’re guessing either ‘literally hung from the ceiling’ or ‘some kind of east-European meat product’ – but she can’t have known the true meaning because of what we’re about to tell you. Long story short: Paris Hilton drives her car, Paris Hilton stopped by police, Paris Hilton probably about to spent the next three months languishing in some kind of correctional facility.

If you want proof that money can't buy you everything, just look at Paris Hilton; it couldn't buy Paris Hilton a decent music or acting career or an eye that wasn't a little bit skew-whiff - and now it can't buy her the right to drive on a suspended license. Way back when Paris Hilton was arrested for loading up on a cocktail and zooming about the streets of LA with her head all higgelty-piggelty from the booze, part of her punishment was to have her driving license suspended for 36 months. Christ alone what Paris Hilton thought 'suspended' meant - we're guessing either 'literally hung from the ceiling' or 'some kind of east-European meat product' - but she can't have known the true meaning because of what we're about to tell you. Long story short: Paris Hilton drives her car, Paris Hilton stopped by police, Paris Hilton probably about to spent the next three months languishing in some kind of correctional facility.
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Just a Dash of Infectious Disease at Wolfgang Puck Catered Event

by hecklerspray staff

We’re so jealous of celebrities. They always have tons of people kissing their taught, tanned butts, and aren’t driven into seclusion by a mysterious, rank, highly-contagious foot fungus like we were.

They also get to go to rad parties with other ridiculously good-looking celebrities, and they always get tons of swag. You know the routine… bags stuffed with free iPods, cell phones, pimped out watches, hepatitis A…

Well, maybe we’re not coveting that last one as much as the other stuff, but hepatitis A is what Beyonce Knowles and other top celebs were exposed to at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day. The lovely infestation was brought to the party by one of the employees of famous chef, Wolfgang Puck, who catered the whole thing. Come to think of it, we’ve had sketchy encounters with Puck’s cuisine in the past ourselves. We got one of his pre-wrapped sandwiches that they sell at airports, but the cooler it’d been in was broken so it was all warm with soggy lettuce and it was all mushy and stuff, and then we got all gassy and bloated during the flight, which made it hard to make friends with other passengers because apparently odours don’t dissipate well in an enclosed area. Of course, that happens with most of what we eat so who really knows.

We’re so jealous of celebrities. They always have tons of people kissing their taught, tanned butts, and aren’t driven into seclusion by a mysterious, rank, highly-contagious foot fungus like we were. They also get to go to rad parties with other ridiculously good-looking celebrities, and they always get tons of swag. You know the routine… bags stuffed with free iPods, cell phones, pimped out watches, hepatitis A… Well, maybe we’re not coveting that last one as much as the other stuff, but hepatitis A is what Beyonce Knowles and other top celebs were exposed to at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day. The lovely infestation was brought to the party by one of the employees of famous chef, Wolfgang Puck, who catered the whole thing. Come to think of it, we’ve had sketchy encounters with Puck’s cuisine in the past ourselves. We got one of his pre-wrapped sandwiches that they sell at airports, but the cooler it'd been in was broken so it was all warm with soggy lettuce and it was all mushy and stuff, and then we got all gassy and bloated during the flight, which made it hard to make friends with other passengers because apparently odours don’t dissipate well in an enclosed area. Of course, that happens with most of what we eat so who really knows.
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Diddy Allegedly Assaults Guy Near Lips

by Shawn Lindseth

Back in the 1850s when Buddhist  monks invented hip hop as a way to pass the time while consuming all wisdom, it was a much friendlier genre. They had like 1,000 rhymes for the word 'sunrise', and gave the money they'd flash in their vaudeville videos to orphans after the show. Their orange-robed bald selves [...]

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