From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Kanye West Gets All Like “I Want A Curry! From Wales!”

by Stuart Heritage

Many things separate Kanye West from the rest of the hip-hop crowd – for example there’s his style, his attitude and his willingness to spend £2,000 flying a five-foot curried fish to New York from Wales every time he gets a bit peckish.

The British Raj Indian restaurant in Rogerstone near Newport has apparently been contacted by Kanye West’s people because Kanye wants a five-foot curried Ayre fish as the centrepiece of some kind of banquet thing he’s holding later this week. So tomorrow The British Raj will send the food – along with chef Kaysor Ahmed – to New York from Wales to give Kanye West and his guests a typical British takeaway curry experience. Presumably this means that Kaysor Ahmed will telephone Kanye West 12 times during the journey because he’s somehow got lost and then pretend to have no change on him when he reaches Kanye’s house to try and get a bigger tip.

Many things separate Kanye West from the rest of the hip-hop crowd - for example there's his style, his attitude and his willingness to spend £2,000 flying a five-foot curried fish to New York from Wales every time he gets a bit peckish. The British Raj Indian restaurant in Rogerstone near Newport has apparently been contacted by Kanye West's people because Kanye wants a five-foot curried Ayre fish as the centrepiece of some kind of banquet thing he's holding later this week. So tomorrow The British Raj will send the food - along with chef Kaysor Ahmed - to New York from Wales to give Kanye West and his guests a typical British takeaway curry experience. Presumably this means that Kaysor Ahmed will telephone Kanye West 12 times during the journey because he's somehow got lost and then pretend to have no change on him when he reaches Kanye's house to try and get a bigger tip.
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Michael Jackson: The Vegas Comeback. Maybe

by Matthew Laidlow

Michael Jackson has had a coloured past – this, we can all safely say, is true. In his long-winded career, Michael Jackson’s crazy antics has given him highs and lows. But mainly lows.

After a series of lawsuits over various issues, the state of Michael Jackson’s finances has never been under greater scrutiny. So what can a self-respecting formerly-successful music icon do to try and make people give a toss about him again? Easy – go and announce some comeback shows in tacky capital of the world, Las Vegas. Well, possibly.

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Dancing On Ice Betting Odds: Lee Sharpe Chucked Out

by Stuart Heritage

This series of Dancing On Ice is starting to edge to a climax now, and the standard of dancing is now so high that only the very best ice-dancers deserve a place in the competition – so not Lee Sharpe, a man more wooden wolf statue than ice skater.

Lee Sharpe is a gruff northern male, and therefore has no time for petty things like emotion. Sadly, though, emotion is the one thing he needed to embrace to be a contender in Dancing On Ice. Well, emotion and not falling over. And an open-minded wardrobe policy. Lee’s Dancing On Ice partner tried everything to make him feel the music more – he went line-dancing and had to pretend a banana was a bunch of flowers from an over-stuffy acting coach – but Lee Sharpe’s staunch refusal to do any of that girly crap was ultimately his downfall. That and the fact he was rubbish at dancing on ice, obviously.

So now Lee Sharpe has been voted out, are we any closer to knowing who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here’s part one of this week’s Dancing On Ice betting odds to win – for Emily Symons and Duncan James – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

This series of Dancing On Ice is starting to edge to a climax now, and the standard of dancing is now so high that only the very best ice-dancers deserve a place in the competition - so not Lee Sharpe, a man more wooden wolf statue than ice skater. Lee Sharpe is a gruff northern male, and therefore has no time for petty things like emotion. Sadly, though, emotion is the one thing he needed to embrace to be a contender in Dancing On Ice. Well, emotion and not falling over. And an open-minded wardrobe policy. Lee's Dancing On Ice partner tried everything to make him feel the music more - he went line-dancing and had to pretend a banana was a bunch of flowers from an over-stuffy acting coach - but Lee Sharpe's staunch refusal to do any of that girly crap was ultimately his downfall. That and the fact he was rubbish at dancing on ice, obviously. So now Lee Sharpe has been voted out, are we any closer to knowing who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here's part one of this week's Dancing On Ice betting odds to win - for Emily Symons and Duncan James - with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

I’ll have you, you, you… aaaaannd you.

Folded:

* Point Break on Five last week (“Go back to the valley, man!” Ah, it’s been too long. Too long)

* Empire Thunderdome (it’s still fun, so go and vote for your favourite domer. Any ideas who you’ll go for..?)

* 300 (Spartans fucking rule)

* M&S possibly buying Sainsbury (why should you care? Because it will give you somewhere else to shop besides Tesco in ten years time)

* Old Jackass on TMF (you can forget how funny it used to be. This’ll remind you)

Creased:

* ‘Scripted’ Top Gear (it’s still great, but some of the features feel overly staged)

* Empire Thunderdome (bloody thing)

* Saw III on DVD (apparently not a parody. We read the box three times over)

* Pizza Hut’s lunchtime buffet offer (that is not on at weekends. So is a complete waste of time for most of us)

* The police (not the group, the pain-in-the-ass coppers who won’t go anywhere near an estate full of fist-happy teenagers, but will happily pull us over twice for running a ‘red’ [read: amber] light in one week)

I’ll have you, you, you… aaaaannd you. Folded: * Point Break on Five last week (“Go back to the valley, man!” Ah, it’s been too long. Too long) * Empire Thunderdome (it’s still fun, so go and vote for your favourite domer. Any ideas who you’ll go for..?) * 300 (Spartans fucking rule) * M&S possibly buying Sainsbury (why should you care? Because it will give you somewhere else to shop besides Tesco in ten years time) * Old Jackass on TMF (you can forget how funny it used to be. This’ll remind you) Creased: * ‘Scripted’ Top Gear (it’s still great, but some of the features feel overly staged) * Empire Thunderdome (bloody thing) * Saw III on DVD (apparently not a parody. We read the box three times over) * Pizza Hut’s lunchtime buffet offer (that is not on at weekends. So is a complete waste of time for most of us) * The police (not the group, the pain-in-the-ass coppers who won’t go anywhere near an estate full of fist-happy teenagers, but will happily pull us over twice for running a ‘red’ [read: amber] light in one week)
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Victoria Beckham Gets Chased Around A School By Some Pigs

by Stuart Heritage

Just because her husband now earns more money in half a second than you’ll ever see in your lifetime, it doesn’t mean that Victoria Beckham is free of the hassles that affect other working mothers – like being chased around a school by some pigs.

What? Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice? How dare you say that, you incredibly rude person. We’re talking about actual pigs here. Some actual pot-bellied pigs recently chased Victoria Beckham around a school in Los Angeles while Victoria was trying to decide whether or not to send her children there. Ironically, while the incident probably traumatised Victoria Beckham quite a lot, being chased by some pigs for five minutes each day is now the only athletic training that David Beckham does – the other 23 hours and 55 minutes are exclusively spent forcing homeless people to dance for him as he waves a fistful of banknotes in their faces while wearing a top hat and cackling like The Penguin.

Just because her husband now earns more money in half a second than you'll ever see in your lifetime, it doesn't mean that Victoria Beckham is free of the hassles that affect other working mothers - like being chased around a school by some pigs. What? Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice? How dare you say that, you incredibly rude person. We're talking about actual pigs here. Some actual pot-bellied pigs recently chased Victoria Beckham around a school in Los Angeles while Victoria was trying to decide whether or not to send her children there. Ironically, while the incident probably traumatised Victoria Beckham quite a lot, being chased by some pigs for five minutes each day is now the only athletic training that David Beckham does - the other 23 hours and 55 minutes are exclusively spent forcing homeless people to dance for him as he waves a fistful of banknotes in their faces while wearing a top hat and cackling like The Penguin.
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Kate Moss & Pete Doherty Booted Out Of NME Awards

by Stuart Heritage

There are many reasons to leave the annual NME music awards early – being able to physically see a Kook, for example, or realising that Lauren Laverne is slightly worse at hosting awards shows than some flour – but Kate Moss has her own reasons.

Namely, her dirty-looking tramp of a boyfriend. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were asked to leave the Shockwaves NME Awards – like The Brits, but for bands your 14-year-old brother likes – early because Pete Doherty was waltzing around with a spoon and tried to have it off with Kate Moss in a toilet. Sadly, the early departure of Kate Moss and Pete Doherty from the NME awards meant that they were unable to see the electrifying climax to the NME awards – when the tubby tit from Kaiser Chiefs said that Muse were good in front of some of The View.

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Foxy Brown Avoids Jail For Her Shop-Trashing Freak-Out

by Stuart Heritage

Some advice – if Foxy Brown ever asks for your opinion on how she looks, do whatever you can to appease her; one wrong word or funny look and Foxy Brown will blowtorch your face like that Japanese kid from Hostel, especially if you own a shop.

Last month saw Foxy Brown go apeshit in a Florida beauty shop for sitting on a toilet and playing with her hair while the store was closing or something. It’s claimed this made Foxy Brown start furiously spitting and spraying glue around until a policeman was forced to rugby-tackle her to the ground; an act which managed to violate the terms of her probation – for doing more or less the exact same thing three years ago – in three different ways. But a judge has taken kindly to Foxy Brown, and has refused to send the rapper to jail for her probation-breaking, at least until the next time she has a blazing violent meltdown in the middle of a shop. Apparently they’ll be keeping her cell warm.

Some advice - if Foxy Brown ever asks for your opinion on how she looks, do whatever you can to appease her; one wrong word or funny look and Foxy Brown will blowtorch your face like that Japanese kid from Hostel, especially if you own a shop. Last month saw Foxy Brown go apeshit in a Florida beauty shop for sitting on a toilet and playing with her hair while the store was closing or something. It's claimed this made Foxy Brown start furiously spitting and spraying glue around until a policeman was forced to rugby-tackle her to the ground; an act which managed to violate the terms of her probation - for doing more or less the exact same thing three years ago - in three different ways. But a judge has taken kindly to Foxy Brown, and has refused to send the rapper to jail for her probation-breaking, at least until the next time she has a blazing violent meltdown in the middle of a shop. Apparently they'll be keeping her cell warm.
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Jeff Goldblum Enjoys Restraining Order

by Shawn Lindseth

Think for a minute: What is the thing you want most in all the world? If your answer wasn't Jeff Goldblum, then you are in the minority, freak. Well, you're in the minority if you're in the Eastern Bloc anyway. Over there the mere mention of his name is enough to make hearts flutter and [...]

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Bobby Brown Sprung From Jail By Radio Station

by Stuart Heritage

The days when Bobby Brown was king of the world, doing songs for Ghostbusters II and possibly getting to smack Whitney Houston in the face whenever he wanted, may be well and truly over – but at least Bobby Brown isn’t in jail any more.

Not so long ago Bobby Brown was given a jail sentence for bumbling into Massachusetts even though he knew he’d be slapped with an arrest warrant if he ever set foot in that state again. This left Bobby Brown with two choices – either pay up the $19,000 he owed in late child support fees or languish in a jail cell for a month with a burly arsonist who just wanted to paint his face up all pretty. For one reason or another, Bobby Brown chose jail – and then Washington radio station Hot 99.5 FM decided to pay Bobby’s child support bills in return for a week’s work on the station.

In other news, hecklerspray is prepared to bust Britney Spears out of rehab so long as she promises to hang around our offices dancing like a monkey in a fez for a year. We have 27p, a handful of South Korean Won and Disney Happy Meal toy from 1998 to use as bargaining tools. We think we’re onto a winner.

The days when Bobby Brown was king of the world, doing songs for Ghostbusters II and possibly getting to smack Whitney Houston in the face whenever he wanted, may be well and truly over - but at least Bobby Brown isn't in jail any more. Not so long ago Bobby Brown was given a jail sentence for bumbling into Massachusetts even though he knew he'd be slapped with an arrest warrant if he ever set foot in that state again. This left Bobby Brown with two choices - either pay up the $19,000 he owed in late child support fees or languish in a jail cell for a month with a burly arsonist who just wanted to paint his face up all pretty. For one reason or another, Bobby Brown chose jail - and then Washington radio station Hot 99.5 FM decided to pay Bobby's child support bills in return for a week's work on the station. In other news, hecklerspray is prepared to bust Britney Spears out of rehab so long as she promises to hang around our offices dancing like a monkey in a fez for a year. We have 27p, a handful of South Korean Won and Disney Happy Meal toy from 1998 to use as bargaining tools. We think we're onto a winner.
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SLACKERJACK – Belle’s Beauty Boutique

by Stuart Heritage

Just as no girls will have gone anywhere near yesterday’s X-Avenger game thanks to its overpowering musky maleness, there’s a chance that hardly any boys are going to want anything to do with Belle’s Beauty Boutique. But our 50/50 gender split means that we’re obliged to feature a girly game, and Belle’s Beauty Boutique is it.

Belle’s Beauty Boutique is another one of those ‘run a beauty parlour’ games that seem to be so popular these days. in Belle’s Beauty Boutique you need to help Belle wash, shampoo, colour and cut all kinds of crazy hairdos in order to make her parlour the best in the land. But that’s only half of it – to make Belle’s Beauty Boutique into something really special you need to encourage specific behaviour from your customers, namely gossipping and flirting. Do well enough in Belle’s Beauty Boutique and you’ll even be treated to special new levels like Prom Night, Here Come the Brides and Halloween Bash. Have you got what it takes to make Belle’s Beauty Boutique a success? Or, like us, will you slowly come to resent cutting people’s hair and long for the days when you could fly around destroying aliens? Play it and find out.

Order Belle’s Beauty Boutique Now

Play Belle’s Beauty Boutique Online

Download Belle’s Beauty Boutique

Just as no girls will have gone anywhere near yesterday's X-Avenger game thanks to its overpowering musky maleness, there's a chance that hardly any boys are going to want anything to do with Belle's Beauty Boutique. But our 50/50 gender split means that we're obliged to feature a girly game, and Belle's Beauty Boutique is it. Belle's Beauty Boutique is another one of those 'run a beauty parlour' games that seem to be so popular these days. in Belle's Beauty Boutique you need to help Belle wash, shampoo, colour and cut all kinds of crazy hairdos in order to make her parlour the best in the land. But that's only half of it - to make Belle's Beauty Boutique into something really special you need to encourage specific behaviour from your customers, namely gossipping and flirting. Do well enough in Belle's Beauty Boutique and you'll even be treated to special new levels like Prom Night, Here Come the Brides and Halloween Bash. Have you got what it takes to make Belle's Beauty Boutique a success? Or, like us, will you slowly come to resent cutting people's hair and long for the days when you could fly around destroying aliens? Play it and find out. Order Belle's Beauty Boutique Now Play Belle's Beauty Boutique Online Download Belle's Beauty Boutique
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