From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Sienna Miller Has ‘Mild Tourettes’

by C J Davies

Everything comes in diet form these days.

And rightly so – why shouldn’t people be allowed the experience of guzzling down a tooth-decayin’ can of Coke without having to worry about all those pesky calories? And if someone wants to rip open a bag of crisps and wolf them down like a ravenous pleb, why shouldn’t they able to do so without the worry of fat clogging their greedy arteries?

Seriously – what’s the alternative? Eat healthy? Like… fruit ‘n’ shit? Get real, Grandad. This is the way forward. The path to enlightenment.

A path being paved, incidentally, by young ‘actress’ Sienna Miller.

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Simon Cowell Not Impressed By Loopy Suicide Britney Spears

by Stuart Heritage

Simon Cowell has built up something of a reputation for speaking his mind – so when Britney Spears went berserk, shaved her hair off, wrote ’666′ on her head, called herself the devil and attempted suicide, guess what Simon Cowell did.

That’s right – he publicly fretted about the mental well-being of Britney Spears and visited her in rehab with a lovely big bunch of flow… no, of course that didn’t happen. What actually happened was that Simon Cowell lashed out at Britney Spears, saying that she was only being “fashionable” and that he “couldn’t care less” about how many cars Britney Spears lances with an umbrella while claiming to be the fiery overlord of all that is evil. Basically Simon Cowell said exactly the same thing about Britney Spears as hecklerspray said yesterday, but in a camper voice and a pair of trousers pulled up to his armpits. And granny teeth.

Simon Cowell has built up something of a reputation for speaking his mind - so when Britney Spears went berserk, shaved her hair off, wrote '666' on her head, called herself the devil and attempted suicide, guess what Simon Cowell did. That's right - he publicly fretted about the mental well-being of Britney Spears and visited her in rehab with a lovely big bunch of flow... no, of course that didn't happen. What actually happened was that Simon Cowell lashed out at Britney Spears, saying that she was only being "fashionable" and that he "couldn't care less" about how many cars Britney Spears lances with an umbrella while claiming to be the fiery overlord of all that is evil. Basically Simon Cowell said exactly the same thing about Britney Spears as hecklerspray said yesterday, but in a camper voice and a pair of trousers pulled up to his armpits. And granny teeth.
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Dancing On Ice Betting Odds: Bracken & Buckfield (Again)

by Stuart Heritage

Now that all the terrible dancers like Ulrika and Dr Fox have long since left Dancing On Ice, the competition can get tricky – now, instead of hokey cowboy themes, the Dancing On Ice contestants have to do things like dance with props.

Now, we know what props we’d like to see the Dancing On Ice competitors using – blowtorches, chainsaws, swarms of locusts etc – but instead the Dancing On Ice props that actually came into play included gaspingly mundane items like a hat and a chair. Whoopee freaking doo – next series we’d like to see tigers and hand grenades used as props, you hear that Dancing On Ice team? Tigers and grenades!

But who’s going to win Dancing On Ice? Chances are it’ll be one of these two – here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds to win for Claire Buckfield and Kyran Bracken, with betting odds coming from Paddy Power…

Now that all the terrible dancers like Ulrika and Dr Fox have long since left Dancing On Ice, the competition can get tricky - now, instead of hokey cowboy themes, the Dancing On Ice contestants have to do things like dance with props. Now, we know what props we'd like to see the Dancing On Ice competitors using - blowtorches, chainsaws, swarms of locusts etc - but instead the Dancing On Ice props that actually came into play included gaspingly mundane items like a hat and a chair. Whoopee freaking doo - next series we'd like to see tigers and hand grenades used as props, you hear that Dancing On Ice team? Tigers and grenades! But who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Chances are it'll be one of these two - here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds to win for Claire Buckfield and Kyran Bracken, with betting odds coming from Paddy Power...
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George Michael Gets To Play Wembley Before Anyone Else

by Stuart Heritage

Admit it – the construction of the new Wembley Stadium has taken so long that you figured the first act to play there would be some giant genetically-mutated spider monkeys celebrating their violent colonisation of the Earth in the year nine billion AD.

But tough shit if that’s what you thought – the real truth is far, far more terrifying. Instead of the spider monkey thing, the first act to play the new Wembley Stadium has been announced, and it’s George Michael. Now, we’re fully aware that George Michael seeing in Wembley Stadium is both dreary and upsetting, but it makes good logistic sense – after all, Wembley is just a short drive from George Michael’s house. Well, a short drive, three different unconscious slumping pit-stops and a time-out to wank off a man in a shrub, but who’s counting?

Admit it - the construction of the new Wembley Stadium has taken so long that you figured the first act to play there would be some giant genetically-mutated spider monkeys celebrating their violent colonisation of the Earth in the year nine billion AD. But tough shit if that's what you thought - the real truth is far, far more terrifying. Instead of the spider monkey thing, the first act to play the new Wembley Stadium has been announced, and it's George Michael. Now, we're fully aware that George Michael seeing in Wembley Stadium is both dreary and upsetting, but it makes good logistic sense - after all, Wembley is just a short drive from George Michael's house. Well, a short drive, three different unconscious slumping pit-stops and a time-out to wank off a man in a shrub, but who's counting?
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Awesome Or Off-Putting: SPIRICOM

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: Ghosts/EVPs SPIRICOM is a machine that allows two way communication with the dead in instant time. EVPs (Electronic Voice Phenomena) [...]

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Liz Hurley Gets Married In Secret & Buggers Off To India

by Stuart Heritage

This weekend saw Liz Hurley get married to her boyfriend Arun Nayur, which isn’t really news; but now Liz Hurley and Arun Nayur have gone to India for six days of traditional Indian ceremonies which, er, isn’t really news either come to think of it.

Oh, who are we kidding? When the world’s worst actress gets married to some rich bloke we’ve never heard of, of course it’s news. Globe-crushing news. Anyway, now that Liz Hurley and Arun Nayur have finally got married to each other, the traditional Indian ceremonies can now commence, including the traditional – some would say poignant – moment where the groom’s mother turns to her husband and says “Did you see her in Mad Dogs And Englishmen? I didn’t care much for that film, you know. And she should have been arrested for doing that to Bedazzled, the hoity-toity bell-end.”

This weekend saw Liz Hurley get married to her boyfriend Arun Nayur, which isn't really news; but now Liz Hurley and Arun Nayur have gone to India for six days of traditional Indian ceremonies which, er, isn't really news either come to think of it. Oh, who are we kidding? When the world's worst actress gets married to some rich bloke we've never heard of, of course it's news. Globe-crushing news. Anyway, now that Liz Hurley and Arun Nayur have finally got married to each other, the traditional Indian ceremonies can now commence, including the traditional - some would say poignant - moment where the groom's mother turns to her husband and says "Did you see her in Mad Dogs And Englishmen? I didn't care much for that film, you know. And she should have been arrested for doing that to Bedazzled, the hoity-toity bell-end."
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Wild Hogs Makes John Travolta A Weekend Box Office Star Again

by Stuart Heritage

City Slickers was a good little film, wasn’t it? But you know what would have made it better? John Travolta instead of Billy Crystal, and Martin Lawrence, Tim Allen and William H Macy instead of those other ones – and we’re not alone in thinking this.

Wild Hogs – which is more or less what we’ve described, but with motorbikes instead of horses and cloying sentimentality instead of modern-day Jewish emasculation – is the number one movie at the weekend box office this week. And quite right too, because the world is full of people who desperate want to make a weekend box office success of Wild Hogs – after all, who doesn’t want to see a movie where the power-house leads of Be Cool, The Shaggy Dog, Big Momma’s House 2 and It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie collide?

Anyone?

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Britney Spears: The Inevitable Weird Rehab Suicide Attempt

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone with even the vaguest passing interest in pop will have noticed that all isn’t especially well in the world of Britney Spears right now, and it didn’t exactly take a genius to guess that a Britney Spears suicide attempt was on the cards, either.

But what nobody could have guessed at in a million years is just how mental Britney Spears’ suicide attempt would be. Perhaps realising that something spectacular would be needed to top her previous zany exploits, Britney Spears reportedly scrawled the number 666 on top of her bald head, ran around her rehab centre screaming “I am the Antichrist!” and then tried to hang herself with a bed sheet, before seeing the error of her ways and possibly deciding to get back with Kevin Federline for some reason. Of course, we should have seen this coming – in her song Oops I Did It Again, you can clearly hear Britney Spears sing “Oops I did it again/ I painted spooky numbers on my shiny head, loudly proclaimed myself to be the human embodiment of the universe’s evil in front of some drug addicts and then tried to do myself in with some bedding/ Oh baby baby.”

Anyone with even the vaguest passing interest in pop will have noticed that all isn't especially well in the world of Britney Spears right now, and it didn't exactly take a genius to guess that a Britney Spears suicide attempt was on the cards, either. But what nobody could have guessed at in a million years is just how mental Britney Spears' suicide attempt would be. Perhaps realising that something spectacular would be needed to top her previous zany exploits, Britney Spears reportedly scrawled the number 666 on top of her bald head, ran around her rehab centre screaming "I am the Antichrist!" and then tried to hang herself with a bed sheet, before seeing the error of her ways and possibly deciding to get back with Kevin Federline for some reason. Of course, we should have seen this coming - in her song Oops I Did It Again, you can clearly hear Britney Spears sing "Oops I did it again/ I painted spooky numbers on my shiny head, loudly proclaimed myself to be the human embodiment of the universe's evil in front of some drug addicts and then tried to do myself in with some bedding/ Oh baby baby."
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SLACKERJACK – Bombay Taxi

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a fun little game that might be slightly racist. On the other hand, it might not be. You can make your own minds up – it’s a game about parking cars and running people over, and it’s called Bombay Taxi.

Now, having never been to Bombay – which technically doesn’t even exist any more – we can’t tell if Bombay Taxi is razor-sharp commentary on the low standards of driving seen in the Indian capital, or if it’s a horrifying Jim Davidson joke made interactive. Basically in Bombay Taxi you have to use the arrow keys on your keyboard to navigate a yellow taxi past various obstacles into a parking spot. Hit another car – or a person, or a traffic bollard, or a homeless man – and you have to start the level all over again. We’re yet to complete more than two levels in a row of Bombay Taxi, but that’s only because we’re so outraged by all the stereotypical generalisations present.

Oh, OK, and we’re shit at it.

Play Bombay Taxi now

Here's a fun little game that might be slightly racist. On the other hand, it might not be. You can make your own minds up - it's a game about parking cars and running people over, and it's called Bombay Taxi. Now, having never been to Bombay - which technically doesn't even exist any more - we can't tell if Bombay Taxi is razor-sharp commentary on the low standards of driving seen in the Indian capital, or if it's a horrifying Jim Davidson joke made interactive. Basically in Bombay Taxi you have to use the arrow keys on your keyboard to navigate a yellow taxi past various obstacles into a parking spot. Hit another car - or a person, or a traffic bollard, or a homeless man - and you have to start the level all over again. We're yet to complete more than two levels in a row of Bombay Taxi, but that's only because we're so outraged by all the stereotypical generalisations present. Oh, OK, and we're shit at it. Play Bombay Taxi now
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Official: Eva Mendes Wanted To Be A Nun

by C J Davies

Ready to have your perception torn apart?

That’s right – forget all that other news-based stuff you’ve been reading about. Forget about global warming and the crisis in the Middle East. Wipe your memory nice and clean of all that Iraq war nonsense. Don’t even think about paying any more attention to the cash-for-honours Labour government scandal.

Why not? Because hecklerspray has got news that will literally rip your mind from your skull. Earth-shaking, epoch-defining, universe-realigning information that will change the way you live.

Apparently Eva Mendes once wanted to be a nun.

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