From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Self-Important Bono To Edit Self-Important Magazine

by C J Davies

Dragging in a guest editor can really liven things up sometimes.

Why, only the other week we decided to open up the hecklerspray office doors and give ‘hilarious’ comedian Russell Brand the chance to run things. We had to stop after a couple of hours, though .. roundabout the point when we noticed that a) he spent too much time staring at his reflection in the computer monitor, teasing his hair into a pseudo-ironic sculpture and b) the only stuff he was writing was the word ‘ballbag’ over and over, laughing to himself as though he thought this was the epitome of postmodern wit.

So we shot him.

We can only hope that Vanity Fair’s upcoming experiment works out a little better. Why, you frenziedly scream? Because they’ve only gone and dragged in Irish rockstar Bono to take on editor-duties, that’s why.

Dragging in a guest editor can really liven things up sometimes. Why, only the other week we decided to open up the hecklerspray office doors and give 'hilarious' comedian Russell Brand the chance to run things. We had to stop after a couple of hours, though .. roundabout the point when we noticed that a) he spent too much time staring at his reflection in the computer monitor, teasing his hair into a pseudo-ironic sculpture and b) the only stuff he was writing was the word 'ballbag' over and over, laughing to himself as though he thought this was the epitome of postmodern wit. So we shot him. We can only hope that Vanity Fair's upcoming experiment works out a little better. Why, you frenziedly scream? Because they've only gone and dragged in Irish rockstar Bono to take on editor-duties, that's why.
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Celebrity Fame Academy Betting Odds: God Knows Who’ll Win

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Comic Relief is zooming its way towards you at an incredible rate, it can only mean one thing – Celebrity Fame Academy is back for a week-and-a-bit run, giving you the chance to help charity by declaring your dislike for her out of Birds Of A Feather.

For the uninitiated, here’s what Celebrity Fame Academy is – it’s X Factor. But they can’t call it X Factor, so they call it Celebrity Fame Academy. In Celebrity Fame Academy some famous people sing, you vote for them and money gets raised to help all kinds of worthy charities. And, just to get you hardened to all the harrowing, uncomfortable images of disability and starvation that Comic Relief is so fond of, Patrick Kielty is allowed to present it. And we’re doing betting odds on Celebrity Fame Academy. And it starts now.

Here’s part one of this week’s Celebrity Fame Academy betting odds – for Angellica Bell, Ray Stubbs, Miranda Hart and Fred McAulay – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Now that Comic Relief is zooming its way towards you at an incredible rate, it can only mean one thing - Celebrity Fame Academy is back for a week-and-a-bit run, giving you the chance to help charity by declaring your dislike for her out of Birds Of A Feather. For the uninitiated, here's what Celebrity Fame Academy is - it's X Factor. But they can't call it X Factor, so they call it Celebrity Fame Academy. In Celebrity Fame Academy some famous people sing, you vote for them and money gets raised to help all kinds of worthy charities. And, just to get you hardened to all the harrowing, uncomfortable images of disability and starvation that Comic Relief is so fond of, Patrick Kielty is allowed to present it. And we're doing betting odds on Celebrity Fame Academy. And it starts now. Here's part one of this week's Celebrity Fame Academy betting odds - for Angellica Bell, Ray Stubbs, Miranda Hart and Fred McAulay - with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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Jared Leto Smashes His Nose Up For His Crappy Band

by Stuart Heritage

The world is full of dreadful vanity projects – think Rudebox, Sting’s useless lute album or anything starring Ben Affleck – but possibly the worst of the lot is 30 Seconds To Mars, Jared Leto’s band; but the world knows this, and it wants them destroyed.

But even though 30 Seconds To Mars are so bad that we have to start smashing in our teeth with hammers the moment we hear one of their songs just to replace the bad noise with something else, it doesn’t mean that Jared Leto doesn’t suffer for his art. At a recent 30 Seconds To Mars show, for example, Jared Leto attempted to do a Bono-style walk through the audience to ‘connect’ with his ‘people’ or ‘something’ and ended up in hospital with his nose splattered all across his face.

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Six Million Of You People Like Xbox Live

by Stuart Heritage

If you like playing Tom Clancy games with a snorting hormonal teenager from Romania who keeps shrieking east-European cursewords into your ear every time you shoot him, you’re not alone – Xbox Live has just racked up its six millionth subscriber.

That means that when you flick on Xbox Live, there are up to six million other people scattered around the globe willing to take you on, no matter what game you want to play – and just about every last one of them is able to beat us at Pro Evo. We’re putting that down to the fact that since 2002 Xbox Live users have spent 95 million days playing online, while we actually have jobs and friends and occasionally breath fresh air and stuff. Anyway, in the hope of Microsoft reading this and deciding to chuck thousands of Marketplace Points at us, there are all kinds of Xbox Live stats for you after the jump.

If you like playing Tom Clancy games with a snorting hormonal teenager from Romania who keeps shrieking east-European cursewords into your ear every time you shoot him, you're not alone - Xbox Live has just racked up its six millionth subscriber. That means that when you flick on Xbox Live, there are up to six million other people scattered around the globe willing to take you on, no matter what game you want to play - and just about every last one of them is able to beat us at Pro Evo. We're putting that down to the fact that since 2002 Xbox Live users have spent 95 million days playing online, while we actually have jobs and friends and occasionally breath fresh air and stuff. Anyway, in the hope of Microsoft reading this and deciding to chuck thousands of Marketplace Points at us, there are all kinds of Xbox Live stats for you after the jump.
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Bobby Brown Arses Up His Radio Bail Deal

by Stuart Heritage

It was a thoroughly decent thing to do when Hot 99.5 decided to pay $19,000 to get Bobby Brown out of jail for missing child-support payments – it’s just a shame Bobby Brown decided to spaz it all up like a twunt the instant he was released.

It seemed a fair enough deal – Hot 99.5 would pay the money to release Bobby Brown from jail, and in return Bobby Brown would be an employee of the station for a week. Hot 99.5 gets publicity, Bobby Brown gets out of jail and a platform to broadcast his side of the arrest story. Everyone’s a winner – except for Bobby Brown, that is, who decided to wig out at a DJ down a telephone and then hang-up, making the child support-avoiding, wife-beating turd-yanker look even more of a nobsack than usual.

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Old Cowboy George Strait Gets Some ACM Nominations

by Stuart Heritage

Country And Western music seems to be all the rage at the moment, what with the influx of country-influenced American Idol finalists and the newly-rediscovered sport of running over animals in a truck and then cooking them up for dinner and all.

And – apart from Whistlin’ Jeb Tenderfoot’s Bi-Weekly Banjoganza – there’s no greater place to celebrate country music than at the Academy Of Country Music Awards, where just about every country singer you can think of turns up in their smartest pair of dungarees to shoot pistols in the air and drink moonshine every time an award is given out. The nominations for this year’s ACM awards have recently been announced, and it looks like it’ll be a good year for George Strait; a middle-aged cowboy who we’ve never heard of, and – since he once recorded a song called Honk If You Honky Tonk – we’re not especially keen to, either.

Country And Western music seems to be all the rage at the moment, what with the influx of country-influenced American Idol finalists and the newly-rediscovered sport of running over animals in a truck and then cooking them up for dinner and all. And - apart from Whistlin' Jeb Tenderfoot's Bi-Weekly Banjoganza - there's no greater place to celebrate country music than at the Academy Of Country Music Awards, where just about every country singer you can think of turns up in their smartest pair of dungarees to shoot pistols in the air and drink moonshine every time an award is given out. The nominations for this year's ACM awards have recently been announced, and it looks like it'll be a good year for George Strait; a middle-aged cowboy who we've never heard of, and - since he once recorded a song called Honk If You Honky Tonk - we're not especially keen to, either.
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Diddy Sued For Punching Guy & Setting His Ass on Fire

by Stuart Heritage

It’s hard to hate Diddy. Yes, Diddy might be getting sued for apparently punching a man who protested when Diddy chatted up his girlfriend, but you try staying mad at a man who precedes a beating with the line “I’ll smack flames out your ass!”

According to reports, Diddy’s recent run-in with Gerard Rechnitzer – the one that ended with Rechnitzer claiming that Diddy had beaten his face to a soggy pulp – has now turned legal. Gerard Rechnitzer has hit Diddy with a lawsuit following the Hollywood brawl, and is claiming unspecified damages from Diddy for medical expenses, pain and suffering and a replacement pair of trousers for the ones destroyed by all the flames coming out of his ass after Diddy smacked him.

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Naked Harry Potter Signs Up For Remaining Non-Naked Movies

by Stuart Heritage

Daniel Radcliffe may have found critical acclaim by swanning around a fancy London stage with his willy hanging out while stabbing a bunch of horses in the eyes with a large metal spike, but he’s not going to let that stop him playing Harry Potter.

It has recently been announced that Daniel Radcliffe will temporarily stop mutilating horses in the nude to film the last two Harry Potter movies, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince and the final Harry Potter story, Harry Potter And The Imaginary Horse-God Who Urges Him To Stab Horses In The Eyes While He’s Naked. Oh, we’re just kidding – the real title of the last Harry Potter book is Harry Potter And The Horses He Stabs In The Eye While Naked To Annoy The Fat Man Out Of Pie In The Sky A Bit. OK, OK, we’ll be serious – the final Harry Potter book is called Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows (And The Naked Horse-Stab Dance Extravaganza).

Daniel Radcliffe may have found critical acclaim by swanning around a fancy London stage with his willy hanging out while stabbing a bunch of horses in the eyes with a large metal spike, but he's not going to let that stop him playing Harry Potter. It has recently been announced that Daniel Radcliffe will temporarily stop mutilating horses in the nude to film the last two Harry Potter movies, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince and the final Harry Potter story, Harry Potter And The Imaginary Horse-God Who Urges Him To Stab Horses In The Eyes While He's Naked. Oh, we're just kidding - the real title of the last Harry Potter book is Harry Potter And The Horses He Stabs In The Eye While Naked To Annoy The Fat Man Out Of Pie In The Sky A Bit. OK, OK, we'll be serious - the final Harry Potter book is called Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows (And The Naked Horse-Stab Dance Extravaganza).
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SLACKERJACK – Sprout

by Stuart Heritage

We’re just going to come out and say it – Sprout is a bloody brilliant game. Easy to pick up, tough to master, beautiful to look at, a bit Grow Cube-y – Sprout is everything we want in a game and more.

In Sprout you play a little tiny bean sprout in a pencil crayon world, and it’s your job to push the sprout as far through the world as you can. How? Simple – by choosing what you sprout into. First of all you only have the choice of sprouting into a coconut – which has its benefits – but by landing near other types of plants you have the option of sprouting into little versions of those as well. Sprout into a dandelion and you’ll float along on the breeze, sprout into an apple tree and you’ll be eaten, transported and then shat out, sprout into a bean and you’ll climb walls. Sprout is like an online version of Planet Earth, and if you don’t fall in love with it completely there’s probably something wrong with you.

Play Sprout now

We're just going to come out and say it - Sprout is a bloody brilliant game. Easy to pick up, tough to master, beautiful to look at, a bit Grow Cube-y - Sprout is everything we want in a game and more. In Sprout you play a little tiny bean sprout in a pencil crayon world, and it's your job to push the sprout as far through the world as you can. How? Simple - by choosing what you sprout into. First of all you only have the choice of sprouting into a coconut - which has its benefits - but by landing near other types of plants you have the option of sprouting into little versions of those as well. Sprout into a dandelion and you'll float along on the breeze, sprout into an apple tree and you'll be eaten, transported and then shat out, sprout into a bean and you'll climb walls. Sprout is like an online version of Planet Earth, and if you don't fall in love with it completely there's probably something wrong with you. Play Sprout now
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Angelina Jolie Files To Adopt For The Trillionth-Billionth Time

by hecklerspray staff

Dang that Angelina Jolie. She’s always one-upping us with her do-good antics…

We make a record number of citizen’s arrests for public urination; Angelina Jolie becomes a UN Goodwill Ambassador. We take mashed potatoes and Matlock videotapes to the local old people’s hotel, or whatever it is; Angelina Jolie visits a wad of impoverished nations. Now, after we put 17 cents into the little plastic box at the checkout counter to help kids with the shakes, Angelina Jolie goes out and adopts another foreign kid.

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