From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Disturbing Friday Fun: Worst Commercial Ever

by C J Davies

Adverts are usually rubbish. You know the sort – Jamie Oliver gurning away about how Sainsburys is the best thing in the world, or brundlefly-with-tits Jordan urging you to buy this week's News Of The World as you can read all about how she's shat out another mewling halfwit baby or something. They're cack, make [...]

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Sign The Spandau Ballet National Anthem Petition

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a fact that British sportsmen deliberately lose any event where they have to represent their country because the British national anthem is so rubbish that they’d rather live the rest of their life as abject failures than hear God Save The Queen one more effing time.

Everything is wrong with our national anthem – it’s embarrassingly slow, it’s bloated and pompous, the sixth verse is all about beating up Scottish people and it’s about God and the Queen instead of a country. God Save The Queen is a rubbish national anthem. Gold by Spandau Ballet, on the other hand, would be a brilliant national anthem; it’s perky, anthemic and inspiring – and we’d win more football matches if Leslie Garrett belted out “you’re indestructaboooahwoooah” before kick-off. That’s a fact.

Gold by Spandau Ballet isn’t the only song we’d like instated as the British national anthem – there’s also The Alphabet Business Concern (Home Of Fadeless Splendour) by The Cardiacs, the theme-tune to Rolf’s Animal Hospital and Straight Outta Compton – but it is the only one with an actual petition on the Prime Minister’s website.

So far almost 6,000 people – including hecklerspray – have signed the online petition to replace the national anthem with Gold by Spandau Ballet. A few more signatures and the national anthem would have to be changed forever. Or Tony Blair would have to email everyone like he did with the road charge petition last month. Or – at the very least – someone from Downing Street will delete the petition and mutter something about “bloody students.” And wouldn’t that be a result.

Sign the Gold National Anthem now

It's a fact that British sportsmen deliberately lose any event where they have to represent their country because the British national anthem is so rubbish that they'd rather live the rest of their life as abject failures than hear God Save The Queen one more effing time. Everything is wrong with our national anthem - it's embarrassingly slow, it's bloated and pompous, the sixth verse is all about beating up Scottish people and it's about God and the Queen instead of a country. God Save The Queen is a rubbish national anthem. Gold by Spandau Ballet, on the other hand, would be a brilliant national anthem; it's perky, anthemic and inspiring - and we'd win more football matches if Leslie Garrett belted out "you're indestructaboooahwoooah" before kick-off. That's a fact. Gold by Spandau Ballet isn't the only song we'd like instated as the British national anthem - there's also The Alphabet Business Concern (Home Of Fadeless Splendour) by The Cardiacs, the theme-tune to Rolf's Animal Hospital and Straight Outta Compton - but it is the only one with an actual petition on the Prime Minister's website. So far almost 6,000 people - including hecklerspray - have signed the online petition to replace the national anthem with Gold by Spandau Ballet. A few more signatures and the national anthem would have to be changed forever. Or Tony Blair would have to email everyone like he did with the road charge petition last month. Or - at the very least - someone from Downing Street will delete the petition and mutter something about "bloody students." And wouldn't that be a result. Sign the Gold National Anthem now
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Katie Price & Peter Andre Score Car Crash Reality Show

by Matthew Laidlow

You don’t have to be a genius to recognise that reality TV is slowly creeping into TV schedules more and more, and we can all agree that 78.4% of it is an absolute pile of shit. There have been a few gems however.

In the beginning, we had the chance to see what drugs did to Ozzy Osbourne, who appeared to be unaware that any cameras were filming him, and most recently Big Racist Brother. The nation couldn’t have been more entertained by Jade Goody slowly digging herself a bigger grave each day with her racist comments to everyone’s now favourite bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. If you don’t like Shilpa, you’re a big fat racist too and we’ll report you to Channel 4. And now the logical conclusion – we are sad to inform you that US entertainment channel E! has picked up two fame grabbing whores of our so-called celebrities and made a series out of them. We are literally bouncing around the room as we unexcitingly wait for Katie and Peter: Next Chapter to clog up the airwaves.

You don't have to be a genius to recognise that reality TV is slowly creeping into TV schedules more and more, and we can all agree that 78.4% of it is an absolute pile of shit. There have been a few gems however. In the beginning, we had the chance to see what drugs did to Ozzy Osbourne, who appeared to be unaware that any cameras were filming him, and most recently Big Racist Brother. The nation couldn’t have been more entertained by Jade Goody slowly digging herself a bigger grave each day with her racist comments to everyone’s now favourite bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. If you don’t like Shilpa, you’re a big fat racist too and we'll report you to Channel 4. And now the logical conclusion - we are sad to inform you that US entertainment channel E! has picked up two fame grabbing whores of our so-called celebrities and made a series out of them. We are literally bouncing around the room as we unexcitingly wait for Katie and Peter: Next Chapter to clog up the airwaves.
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Angelina Jolie Adoption Betting Odds: China? India?

by Stuart Heritage

Here we go, then, this week’s last instalment of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds – where we take an in-depth look at a couple of countries, decide if Angelina Jolie will adopt from there next, place a bet and inevitably become hugely rich.

However, something’s occurred to us – remember yesterday’s news about a gang of criminals wanting to kidnap little Pax Thien Jolie and charge Angelina Jolie £50 million to get him back? Well, if Angelina Jolie is smart, she’ll return to Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam to adopt back-up children. That way, if any of her adopted kids do get kidnapped, there’ll be another one waiting to take their place. It’ll save Angelina Jolie £50 million and a whole lot of tears, that’s for sure.

Here’s the final part of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds – for China and India – with help from Paddy Power…

Here we go, then, this week's last instalment of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - where we take an in-depth look at a couple of countries, decide if Angelina Jolie will adopt from there next, place a bet and inevitably become hugely rich. However, something's occurred to us - remember yesterday's news about a gang of criminals wanting to kidnap little Pax Thien Jolie and charge Angelina Jolie £50 million to get him back? Well, if Angelina Jolie is smart, she'll return to Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam to adopt back-up children. That way, if any of her adopted kids do get kidnapped, there'll be another one waiting to take their place. It'll save Angelina Jolie £50 million and a whole lot of tears, that's for sure. Here's the final part of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for China and India - with help from Paddy Power...
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Ray Winstone Becomes Indiana Jones’ Headbutty Sidekick

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody really knows what the plot of Indiana Jones 4 will be, although now Ray Winstone has signed up as Indiana Jones’ sidekick, we imagine it’ll involve Indiana Jones turning over some nonce wot dun ‘im up like a fackin’ kipper innit guv’nor.

Cockney hardman Ray Winstone has reportedly decided to star in Indiana Jones 4 alongside Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett and – possibly – Sean Connery. It’s certainly an exciting development, because the casting of Ray Winstone is bound to take the Indiana Jones franchise down a whole different alley. Admittedly it’s an alley where all the film’s epic battle scenes will begin with Ray Winstone bellowing “Baaaaahndle!” before lurching around indiscriminately, flailing at the approaching Nazis with half a broken bottle of Stella and a snooker cue, but an alley nonetheless.

Nobody really knows what the plot of Indiana Jones 4 will be, although now Ray Winstone has signed up as Indiana Jones' sidekick, we imagine it'll involve Indiana Jones turning over some nonce wot dun 'im up like a fackin' kipper innit guv'nor. Cockney hardman Ray Winstone has reportedly decided to star in Indiana Jones 4 alongside Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett and - possibly - Sean Connery. It's certainly an exciting development, because the casting of Ray Winstone is bound to take the Indiana Jones franchise down a whole different alley. Admittedly it's an alley where all the film's epic battle scenes will begin with Ray Winstone bellowing "Baaaaahndle!" before lurching around indiscriminately, flailing at the approaching Nazis with half a broken bottle of Stella and a snooker cue, but an alley nonetheless.
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MySpace Trawl – Venetian Snares

by Matthew Laidlow

Here at hecklerspray, we know what’s good and what’s utter rubbish. We don’t keep secrets either and we like to share our knowledge with you, the geeks people of the World Wide Web.

In this feature – which amazingly still hasn’t gone from once a week to whenever we can be arsed – we aim to arm you with amazingly good sounds that you maybe didn’t even know existed, but that others will probably perceive as artistic bollocks. Hell, what do they know? Not as much as us, that’s for sure. And who else would bleat on about Venetian Snares as much as we’re about to?

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Angelina Jolie’s Pax Thien Almost Kidnapped For £50m?

by Stuart Heritage

When you’ve adopted as many kids as Angelina Jolie, you start to learn all kinds of lessons – like how to say “We don’t like Jennifer Aniston, do we” in Vietnamese – but protecting your adopted children from kidnap probably isn’t among them.

Nevertheless, a plot has apparently been uncovered to kidnap Angelina Jolie’s newest adopted baby Pax Thien and hold him hostage for a £50 million ransom. And, accordingly, it’s thought that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have stepped up their security to brand new levels to make sure nothing like this ever happens to Pax Thien or any of their other children again. Paying for extra security is obviously the wisest move, since a kidnap would mean that Angelina Jolie would need to make ten more Tomb Raider sequels to cover the cost of the £50 million ransom. Those kidnappers sure are one bunch of sick bastards to want to put us through that.

When you've adopted as many kids as Angelina Jolie, you start to learn all kinds of lessons - like how to say "We don't like Jennifer Aniston, do we" in Vietnamese - but protecting your adopted children from kidnap probably isn't among them. Nevertheless, a plot has apparently been uncovered to kidnap Angelina Jolie's newest adopted baby Pax Thien and hold him hostage for a £50 million ransom. And, accordingly, it's thought that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have stepped up their security to brand new levels to make sure nothing like this ever happens to Pax Thien or any of their other children again. Paying for extra security is obviously the wisest move, since a kidnap would mean that Angelina Jolie would need to make ten more Tomb Raider sequels to cover the cost of the £50 million ransom. Those kidnappers sure are one bunch of sick bastards to want to put us through that.
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Least Famous Black Eyed Peas Singer Busted For DUI

by Stuart Heritage

You know what’s worse than a celebrity getting arrested for DUI? A celebrity getting arrested for DUI who’s technically a celebrity even though people don’t know who he is – so say hi to Taboo, he’s been arrested for driving around whacked on pot.

Taboo? Taboo? Who’s he? Well obviously Taboo is a member of the Black Eyed Peas, although not any of the ones you’ll have heard of. Anyway, long story short, at 8:30 on Tuesday morning, Taboo was driving around a town with a silly name when he was involved in a minor car crash. Police then found a small amount of marijuana and some medication that Taboo didn’t have a prescription for and swiftly busted Taboo for suspected DUI. After this harrowing ordeal, Taboo has vowed to detail his rough treatment at the hands of the Los Angeles police department in a new Black Eyed Peas song, tentatively entitled Let’s Have A Happy Happy Party Disco Time Baby (Ooh Yeah Yeah).

You know what's worse than a celebrity getting arrested for DUI? A celebrity getting arrested for DUI who's technically a celebrity even though people don't know who he is - so say hi to Taboo, he's been arrested for driving around whacked on pot. Taboo? Taboo? Who's he? Well obviously Taboo is a member of the Black Eyed Peas, although not any of the ones you'll have heard of. Anyway, long story short, at 8:30 on Tuesday morning, Taboo was driving around a town with a silly name when he was involved in a minor car crash. Police then found a small amount of marijuana and some medication that Taboo didn't have a prescription for and swiftly busted Taboo for suspected DUI. After this harrowing ordeal, Taboo has vowed to detail his rough treatment at the hands of the Los Angeles police department in a new Black Eyed Peas song, tentatively entitled Let's Have A Happy Happy Party Disco Time Baby (Ooh Yeah Yeah).
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Pregnant Nicole Kidman Apparently Knocked Up By A Petri Dish

by Shawn Lindseth

The sole reason all of humanity has survived and thrived this long is the female body's amazing ability to generate new life. Not only can those things reproduce earthworm-style, where once cut in half each piece grows back into a whole lady, but it can also reproduce seahorse style, where the ripe she-woman sprays egg-babies [...]

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New Harry Potter Cover Suggests Possible Karate Fondness

by Stuart Heritage

There are still four more months until Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows – the final book in the Harry Potter series – is published, and the excitement is so palpable that people are literally wetting themselves over a cartoon of Harry Potter.

Yesterday the new cover art for various international versions of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows were revealed and Harry Potter fans have been frantically unpicking all the artwork’s symbolism ever since in a bid to try and work out the fate of their hero. In short – the American Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows cover shows Harry Potter reaching for the sky surrounded by scenes of destruction, the British version shows Harry Potter seemingly doing some karate in a vault full of Scrooge McDuck-style loot, the adult British version of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows shows a locket with an ‘S’ on it and the Malaysian version shows Harry Potter dead on the floor with Ron saying to Hermione “So Lord Voldemort did kill Harry after all. I certainly didn’t see that coming.”

There are still four more months until Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows - the final book in the Harry Potter series - is published, and the excitement is so palpable that people are literally wetting themselves over a cartoon of Harry Potter. Yesterday the new cover art for various international versions of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows were revealed and Harry Potter fans have been frantically unpicking all the artwork's symbolism ever since in a bid to try and work out the fate of their hero. In short - the American Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows cover shows Harry Potter reaching for the sky surrounded by scenes of destruction, the British version shows Harry Potter seemingly doing some karate in a vault full of Scrooge McDuck-style loot, the adult British version of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows shows a locket with an 'S' on it and the Malaysian version shows Harry Potter dead on the floor with Ron saying to Hermione "So Lord Voldemort did kill Harry after all. I certainly didn't see that coming."
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