Posts from March, 2007

You don't have to be a genius to recognise that reality TV is slowly creeping into TV schedules more and more, and we can all agree that 78.4% of it is an absolute pile of shit. There have been a few gems however. 

In the beginning, we had the chance to see what drugs did to Ozzy Osbourne, who appeared to be unaware that any cameras were filming him, and most recently Big Racist Brother. The nation couldn’t have been more entertained by Jade Goody slowly digging herself a bigger grave each day with her racist comments to everyone’s now favourite bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. If you don’t like Shilpa, you’re a big fat racist too and we'll report you to Channel 4. And now the logical conclusion - we are sad to inform you that US entertainment channel E! has picked up two fame grabbing whores of our so-called celebrities and made a series out of them. We are literally bouncing around the room as we unexcitingly wait for Katie and Peter: Next Chapter to clog up the airwaves.  

Read the rest of this entry »

Here we go, then, this week's last instalment of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - where we take an in-depth look at a couple of countries, decide if Angelina Jolie will adopt from there next, place a bet and inevitably become hugely rich.

However, something's occurred to us - remember yesterday's news about a gang of criminals wanting to kidnap little Pax Thien Jolie and charge Angelina Jolie £50 million to get him back? Well, if Angelina Jolie is smart, she'll return to Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam to adopt back-up children. That way, if any of her adopted kids do get kidnapped, there'll be another one waiting to take their place. It'll save Angelina Jolie £50 million and a whole lot of tears, that's for sure.

Here's the final part of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for China and India - with help from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

Nobody really knows what the plot of Indiana Jones 4 will be, although now Ray Winstone has signed up as Indiana Jones' sidekick, we imagine it'll involve Indiana Jones turning over some nonce wot dun 'im up like a fackin' kipper innit guv'nor.

Cockney hardman Ray Winstone has reportedly decided to star in Indiana Jones 4 alongside Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett and - possibly - Sean Connery. It's certainly an exciting development, because the casting of Ray Winstone is bound to take the Indiana Jones franchise down a whole different alley. Admittedly it's an alley where all the film's epic battle scenes will begin with Ray Winstone bellowing "Baaaaahndle!" before lurching around indiscriminately, flailing at the approaching Nazis with half a broken bottle of Stella and a snooker cue, but an alley nonetheless. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Here at hecklerspray, we know what’s good and what's utter rubbish. We don’t keep secrets either and we like to share our knowledge with you, the geeks people of the World Wide Web.

In this feature - which amazingly still hasn’t gone from once a week to whenever we can be arsed - we aim to arm you with amazingly good sounds that you maybe didn't even know existed, but that others will probably perceive as artistic bollocks. Hell, what do they know? Not as much as us, that’s for sure. And who else would bleat on about Venetian Snares as much as we’re about to? 

Read the rest of this entry »

When you've adopted as many kids as Angelina Jolie, you start to learn all kinds of lessons - like how to say "We don't like Jennifer Aniston, do we" in Vietnamese - but protecting your adopted children from kidnap probably isn't among them.

Nevertheless, a plot has apparently been uncovered to kidnap Angelina Jolie's newest adopted baby Pax Thien and hold him hostage for a £50 million ransom. And, accordingly, it's thought that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have stepped up their security to brand new levels to make sure nothing like this ever happens to Pax Thien or any of their other children again. Paying for extra security is obviously the wisest move, since a kidnap would mean that Angelina Jolie would need to make ten more Tomb Raider sequels to cover the cost of the £50 million ransom. Those kidnappers sure are one bunch of sick bastards to want to put us through that.

Read the rest of this entry »

You know what's worse than a celebrity getting arrested for DUI? A celebrity getting arrested for DUI who's technically a celebrity even though people don't know who he is - so say hi to Taboo, he's been arrested for driving around whacked on pot.

Taboo? Taboo? Who's he? Well obviously Taboo is a member of the Black Eyed Peas, although not any of the ones you'll have heard of. Anyway, long story short, at 8:30 on Tuesday morning, Taboo was driving around a town with a silly name when he was involved in a minor car crash. Police then found a small amount of marijuana and some medication that Taboo didn't have a prescription for and swiftly busted Taboo for suspected DUI. After this harrowing ordeal, Taboo has vowed to detail his rough treatment at the hands of the Los Angeles police department in a new Black Eyed Peas song, tentatively entitled Let's Have A Happy Happy Party Disco Time Baby (Ooh Yeah Yeah).

Read the rest of this entry »

The sole reason all of humanity has survived and thrived this long is the female body's amazing ability to generate new life. Not only can those things reproduce earthworm-style, where once cut in half each piece grows back into a whole lady, but it can also reproduce seahorse style, where the ripe she-woman sprays egg-babies into the ocean to be later hosed-down by their  male counterparts during halftime.

And on top of all that there's still the oldest baby-making way of all - getting knocked up at the business end of a microscope. Speaking of which - Nicole Kidman and her one-plaid-sportscoat-away from being a car salesman husband have big news. They're expecting! Or so says the astrologer we pay to chart big celebrity news. Trust us though - Fiddy Cent's mom has only been wrong once - and that was just bad career advice she gave someone unspecific. She accurately called both Britney Spears pregnancies and she correctly foretold the Brangelina baby. Madame Cent even said Hilary Duff could never have children due to a strangely placed dog bite she got when she was three. On the nethers.

We're not sure about that last one though, because Duff's gynaecologist, apparently, is financially well-enough off.

Read the rest of this entry »

There are still four more months until Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows - the final book in the Harry Potter series - is published, and the excitement is so palpable that people are literally wetting themselves over a cartoon of Harry Potter.

Yesterday the new cover art for various international versions of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows were revealed and Harry Potter fans have been frantically unpicking all the artwork's symbolism ever since in a bid to try and work out the fate of their hero. In short - the American Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows cover shows Harry Potter reaching for the sky surrounded by scenes of destruction, the British version shows Harry Potter seemingly doing some karate in a vault full of Scrooge McDuck-style loot, the adult British version of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows shows a locket with an 'S' on it and the Malaysian version shows Harry Potter dead on the floor with Ron saying to Hermione "So Lord Voldemort did kill Harry after all. I certainly didn't see that coming."

Read the rest of this entry »

If hecklerspray was to go back in time, it'd go back to the time of the Vikings. Not because of our fondness for raping and pillaging, of course, but because we've just identified a gap in the Viking market for sarcastic celebrity gossip websites. But we digress.

We'll never be able to go back in time to visit the Vikings, but the next best thing is clearly Tale Of 3 Vikings, today's Slackerjack. Tale Of 3 Vikings is a little bit like Tanks, in that you have a cannon and you must tinker with power and angles to destroy someone else's cannon. But the beauty of Tale Of 3 Vikings is that there are, you know, Vikings and stuff in it. And Vikings are cool. Also, as far as tanks-clones go, Tale Of 3 Vikings is almost illegally easy to pick up and play. But mainly the Vikings thing if we're honest.

Order Tale Of 3 Vikings Now

Download Tale Of 3 Vikings

Our telepathy machines are telling us you're in the mood for some obliquely political raw art-punk noise - which is a flipping good job, because that's exactly what we have right here in the form of Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers.

"The Blood Brothers?" you're silently asking yourself, "Aren't they that dirty bunch of screaming noisemakers responsible for Set Fire To The Face On Fire?" And you're right - they are. But new Blood Brothers single Lazer Life is an entirely different proposition. Where Set Fire To The Face On Fire sounded like - according to us - "a nursery school being electrocuted by a maniac with a ghetto blaster" Lazer Life sees The Blood Brothers in a more reflective mood. There's a Spoon-ish Rhodes groove, a whip-tight beat and some unusually !!!-style vocals. Why, Lazer Life by The Blood Brothers could almost be a radio hit. 

And then at 1:55 the universe explodes. You'll see what we mean.

Watch the Blood Brothers Lazer Light video now 

What, dear reader, would you describe as a bargain?

Actually, scratch that. We don't need to know about that bumper packet of condoms you snapped up at the Boots Spring sale the other day. Let's rephrase the question - what would you describe as a musical bargain?

Picking up the new Arcade Fire CD for a fiver, perhaps? Shelling out 15 quid for some brand-new exclusive unreleased Radiohead tracks? The chance to mercilessly gun down 'the' Arctic Monkeys for the princely sum of £2.50 and a bag of chips?

All pretty good deal-breakers, we're sure you'll agree. And - we're sure you'll concur with this also - about a million times better than anything involving pasty-faced junkie and all-round waste of oxygen Pete Doherty.

Read the rest of this entry »

OK, we're just going to come out with it; every day you people come here for the latest nugget of sharply-written celebrity news - and the occasional less sharply-written nugget of YouTube Awards news - and, well, now it's your turn to help us.

The more keenly observant among you will have noticed that hecklerspray is looking for some designers at the moment, since we're lining up a bewitching redesign that will change the way you perceive the internet forever, or - more realistically - change the way you perceive hecklerspray for a couple of minutes. And now we want to know what you want to see on hecklerspray. What you like, what you dislike, what you want to see more of. Features? Subjects? More pictures of the writers standing around crying and drunk in nothing but their underwear? We're listening, and we promise to abide by your every idea. Unless your idea is crap, naturally.

Leave us your thoughts in the comments box below and we'll put them all in a big notebook or something. And there are more than a million of you, remember, so if we don't get at least a million solid gold ideas, it'll be straight to bed with no tea for the lot of you.