This is all we know about Loney, Dear. 1) Loney, Dear is the pseudonym of Emil Svanängen. 2) Emil Svanängen makes music. 3) On the basis of new single I Am John, Loney, Dear makes some of the most heart-bursting affirmative music we've heard in an age.

I Am John by Loney, Dear

Paris Hilton's big list of things she isn't very good at contains entries like 'acting,' 'singing,' and 'having two symmetrical eyes' - but it looks like Paris Hilton might have to now add 'driving a car well enough to avoid jail' to the foot of the list too.

After Paris Hilton was found driving her car down Sunset Boulevard last month - despite having her license revoked as part of a previous drink-driving punishment - police were keen to throw the book at her. And now it looks like that'll happen, since the Los Angeles City Attorney's Office announced yesterday that Paris Hilton violated the terms of her probation and faces up to 90 days in jail. Not that it'll bother Paris Hilton, obviously, as she's already got a criminal record - it's called Stars Are Blind. Ha! Stars Are Blind! Criminal record! Are you with us? Are you with us? Right? Anybody?

Adverts are usually rubbish.

You know the sort - Jamie Oliver gurning away about how Sainsburys is the best thing in the world, or brundlefly-with-tits Jordan urging you to buy this week's News Of The World as you can read all about how she's shat out another mewling halfwit baby or something.

They're cack, make no mistake about it.

It's a fact that British sportsmen deliberately lose any event where they have to represent their country because the British national anthem is so rubbish that they'd rather live the rest of their life as abject failures than hear God Save The Queen one more effing time.

Everything is wrong with our national anthem - it's embarrassingly slow, it's

You don't have to be a genius to recognise that reality TV is slowly creeping into TV schedules more and more, and we can all agree that 78.4% of it is an absolute pile of shit. There have been a few gems however. 

In the beginning, we had the chance to see what drugs did to Ozzy Osbourne, who appeared to be unaware that any cameras were filming him, and most recently Big Racist Brother. The nation couldn’t have been more entertained by Jade Goody slowly digging herself a bigger grave each day with her racist comments to everyone’s now favourite bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. If you don’t like Shilpa, you’re a big fat racist too and we'll report you to Channel 4. And now the logical conclusion - we are sad to inform you that US entertainment channel E! has picked up two fame grabbing whores of our so-called celebrities and made a series out of them. We are literally bouncing around the room as we unexcitingly wait for Katie and Peter: Next Chapter to clog up the airwaves.  

Here we go, then, this week's last instalment of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - where we take an in-depth look at a couple of countries, decide if Angelina Jolie will adopt from there next, place a bet and inevitably become hugely rich.

However, something's occurred to us - remember yesterday's news about a gang of criminals wanting to kidnap little Pax Thien Jolie and charge Angelina Jolie £50 million to get him back? Well, if Angelina Jolie is smart, she'll return to Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam to adopt back-up children. That way, if any of her adopted kids do get kidnapped, there'll be another one waiting to take their place. It'll save Angelina Jolie £50 million and a whole lot of tears, that's for sure.

Here's the final part of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for China and India - with help from Paddy Power...

Nobody really knows what the plot of Indiana Jones 4 will be, although now Ray Winstone has signed up as Indiana Jones' sidekick, we imagine it'll involve Indiana Jones turning over some nonce wot dun 'im up like a fackin' kipper innit guv'nor.

Cockney hardman Ray Winstone has reportedly decided to star in Indiana Jones 4 alongside Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett and - possibly - Sean Connery. It's certainly an exciting development, because the casting of Ray Winstone is bound to take the Indiana Jones franchise down a whole different alley. Admittedly it's an alley where all the film's epic battle scenes will begin with Ray Winstone bellowing "Baaaaahndle!" before lurching around indiscriminately, flailing at the approaching Nazis with half a broken bottle of Stella and a snooker cue, but an alley nonetheless. 

Here at hecklerspray, we know what’s good and what's utter rubbish. We don’t keep secrets either and we like to share our knowledge with you, the geeks people of the World Wide Web.

In this feature - which amazingly still hasn’t gone from once a week to whenever we can be arsed - we aim to arm you with amazingly good sounds that you maybe didn't even know existed, but that others will probably perceive as artistic bollocks. Hell, what do they know? Not as much as us, that’s for sure. And who else would bleat on about Venetian Snares as much as we’re about to?