From the monthly archives:

March 2007

Britney Spears Vs Paris Hilton: Who Smells Less Crap?

by Stuart Heritage

These days you literally can’t walk into a department store without some over-lacquered bimbette squirting you in the eyes with chemicals until you drop on the floor, then to start screaming at your convulsing torso about the new perfume by Celine Dion.

The cult of celebrity perfumes has got way out of hand lately – with even David Beckham bottling his stink for cash – but the two reigning queens of celebrity perfume are Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Between them, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have sold gallons of their fragrance to lorryloads of idiots who seem to think that smelling like a drink-driver or a bald woman who believes she is the devil is somehow desirable, but which smells better – Curious by Britney Spears or Heiress by Paris Hilton?

Yeah, that one’s kept us awake at night too, so thank the baby Jesus for Design Crack, which is conducting a battle of the celebrity perfumes. Round one is, yup, Britney Spears Vs Paris Hilton. We don’t want to give away the result, but you do get a free life-sized dog when you buy Heiress…

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Celebrity Smell-Off One: Britney Spears Versus Paris Hilton – Design Crack

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Celebrity Fame Academy Betting Odds: Miranda Hart Gone

by Stuart Heritage

You lucky kids. Celebrity Fame Academy is now on every night until Comic Relief – that’s nine full nights of watching Patrick Kielty making godawful tit jokes, so Miranda Hart is actually lucky; she’s out of Celebrity Fame Academy so won’t hear them.

Miranda Hart’s Celebrity Fame Academy performance of Physical wasn’t enough to really convince anyone that she deserved the final spot in the academy; possibly because we own clumps of cheese that the general public would recognise more than Miranda Hart, and possibly because Miranda Hart’s singing voice sounds pretty much identical to the moment that a teenage choirboy’s voice breaks mid-song, only stretched out into a terrifying infinity. But don’t cry for Miranda Hart – following Celebrity Fame Academy she’ll ease back into her normal routine or doing cameos as weird-looking members of the service industry in occasional episodes of sitcoms that we don’t watch.

But now that Miranda Hart has been booted out of Celebrity Fame Academy, who’s going to win? Here’s part two of this week’s Celebrity Fame Academy betting odds – for Linda Robson, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Tim Vine and Zoe Salmon – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

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John Inman From Are You Being Served? Dead At 71

by Stuart Heritage

John Inman – known to millions as the cartoonishly gay one from sitcom Are You Being Served – has died this morning in a London hospital after a battle with liver disease, it has been announced. He was 71.

According to reports, John Inman died at 4am today in St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington after a long illness. John Inman’s manager Phil Dale gave the following statement:

“John, through his character Mr Humphries of Are You Being Served? was known and loved throughout the world. He was one of the best and finest pantomime dames working to capacity audiences throughout Britain. John was known for his comedy plays and farces which were enjoyed from London’s West End throughout the country and as far as Australia, Canada and the USA.”

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Kanye West Is All “No Curry For Me! Especially Not From Wales!”

by Stuart Heritage

Earlier this week we became suddenly and supremely jealous of Kanye West because he was apparently going to pay thousands of pounds to transport a giant curried fish from Wales to New York for his dinner – yeah, turns out that was bollocks.

The British Raj Indian restaurant near Newport in Wales had spent a large portion of this week gibbering on about how it was going to send a curried five-foot Ayre fish to New York in a succession of helicopters, jet planes and limousines along with the restaurant’s renowned chef Kaysor Ahmed in order to carefully hand-prepare a vast Indian banquet for a meeting between Kanye West and some of his entourage. Only thing is, though, Kanye West isn’t in New York, there was never any meeting planned and there’s now a gigantic curried fish in New York that probably should be there.

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Robbie Williams Busts Out Of Rehab Early

by Stuart Heritage

Robbie Williams just isn’t as famous as he was – now Take That have reunited Robbie isn’t the most famous one from Take That, and thanks to a bald nutter who thinks she’s the devil, Robbie Williams isn’t the most famous rehab patient either.

Not that Robbie Williams could feasibly be the most famous person in rehab anyway, because Robbie Williams isn’t even in rehab any more – he’s back at home being looked after by his Mum. According to reports, Robbie Williams left the Cottonwood de Tucson rehab centre in Arizona – where he was being treated for addiction to smoking fags, drinking Red Bull and eating prescription medicine like they were Tic Tacs – a week early. What Robbie Williams’ next move will be is anyone’s guess, although on past experience we’d imagine it’ll include cheeky grins, a self-deprecating tattoo and an album called Boo Hoo Hoo I’m The Saddest Millionaire Superstar That Ever Lived.

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Jennifer Hudson Day Hits Chicago! Hurrah!

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Hudson must be on top of the world; two years after being booted off American Idol, Jennifer Hudson is now an Oscar-winning actress and the only non-crappy thing about Dreamgirls – and now Chicago has declared a Jennifer Hudson Day.

To mark Jennifer Hudson’s spectacular achievements in the fields of not being as skinny in Beyonce and shouting one song in a film that some people got vaguely over-excited about, the mayor of her hometown Chicago Richard Daley proclaimed yesterday to be a citywide Jennifer Hudson Day. All across Chicago for the duration of yesterday, Jennifer Hudson Day was celebrated by families up and down the city joining hands and singing “Oh, hey, you’re gonna love me/ Yes, ah, ooh, ooh, love me/ Ooh, ooh, ooh, love me/ Love me, Love me/ Love me/ Love me/ You’re gonna love me” to each other for 24 solid hours. Failure to comply with Jennifer Hudson Day celebrations was punishable by death.

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Naomi Campbell To Mop Proficiently

by Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray isn't breaking cutting edge entertainment news, we like to bash things in the head with phones. Yup, we like to bash kids in the head with phones, we like to bash dogs in the head with phones, and we like to bash dandelions in the head with phones right after we see them [...]

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Kevin Federline Goes Bald For Screwball Britney Spears

by Stuart Heritage

When a man’s wife leaves him to go bananas, shave her hair off and run around a treatment facility with numbers written all over her head yelling that she’s the devil, he’d be right to feel smug – but Kevin Federline isn’t smug about Britney Spears.

In fact, Kevin Federline seems to be taking his new role as the sensible one out of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears incredibly seriously. Now that it has emerged that Kevin’s support of rehab-bound Britney Spears has sparked a possible romantic rekindling between the couple, Kevin Federline has been seen out and about with his head shaved in an attempt to comfort bald Britney Spears. Whether or not Kevin Federline’s new-found solidarity for Britney Spears will extend to smashing a car to pieces with an umbrella, scrawling the number ’666′ across his head and shrieking about how he’s the Antichrist to various passers-by like a lunatic remains to be seen, but we kind of hope it does.

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SLACKERJACK – Hide And Secret

by Stuart Heritage

Eye strain is not a joke, and it can be gained in many ways – be it sitting too close to the TV or spending your whole life staring a computer screen trying to think up new ways to be mean about Paris Hilton. But the nicest way of getting eye strain we’ve discovered so far is by playing Hide And Secret.

In Hide And Secret it’s your job to scan a cluttered from for a selection of semi-hidden objects, from spice jars to plants to stamps. Playing Hide And Secret is a lot like returning to your bedroom after your Mum has tidied up – you know that all the items are supposed to be somewhere, but they’ve all been jumbled around willy-nilly. After a few goes at Hide And Secret, you’ll find that your face is so close to the computer screen that you can actually peer into every individual pixel. That doesn’t sound like it’d be all that good for your eyes, but neither’s masturbation and you don’t seem in any hurry to stop doing that, do you?

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All Saints Finally Dropped For Being Rubbish & Unpopular

by Stuart Heritage

Newton’s Third Law says that every action has an equal and opposite reaction; so when Take That reunited to become the UK’s favourite middle-aged boyband, it was inevitable that another reunited group would fail miserably – that’d be All Saints.

It has been announced that grouchy combat-wearing 1990s girlgroup All Saints have been dropped by record label Parlophone after their last single Chick Fit didn’t even make the top 200. Social commentators are expressing their dismal at the outright failure of All Saints’ comeback, noting that they didn’t even get to make a bastard awful naked crime thriller directed by Dave Stewart that nobody wants to see this time around.

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