Posts from February, 2007

Britney Spears loves rehab. We know this because Britney Spears has entered rehab for the third time in a week, but this time was different - Britney Spears' newest rehab stint was preceded directly by a rage-filled umbrella attack on a car.

According to reports, the triple whammy of being hounded by the paparazzi, looking more and more certain to lose her children to Kevin Federline and having everyone in the world thinking that she's gone doolally have got to Britney Spears to such an almighty extent that she took her frustrations out on a car with a furled umbrella on Wednesday. Because, let's face it, nothing convinces the public of a healthy mind like a crying skinhead woman attacking a car with a brolly while screaming "fuck yourself!" over and over again.

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Could rapper Busta Rhymes soon be spinning some mad skillz education to your kids? Looks like a frightening possibility. It’s been reported that instead of serving jail time, Busta’s been offered probation, which includes giving anti-violence talks to children for committing acts that can only be described as very pro-violence.

We know, we know… it’s hard to imagine a rapper in trouble with the law, but just what is it that Busta’s done? Oh, he just kicked one of his fans in the face and beat up his driver or something. But it’s not like he wasn’t provoked, or anything. The fan had spit on a car belonging to a member of Busta’s posse, and the driver says he was just trying to collect some back pay. What is it that the Golden Rule says? Beat the snot out of others as they do unto you. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Anyway, moving on…

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Jennifer Aniston has had her boobs stolen. It's not the blood-covered affair that more perverse mental imagery might demand. We understand why it would though, after an opening sentence like that.

Yes, this story has less to do with black markets and bathtubs filled with ice than it does electronic imagery of Jennifer Aniston's magically exposed flotsam and jetsam being strewn freely about the internet. Problem here is that some large Hollywood conglomerate owns pictures of Jennifer Aniston's bare jugs, and they sure as heck don't want to share.

Of course, the agency's lack of sharing doesn't mean the image isn't available. Perez Hilton, an entertainment blogger without a doctorate in anything (we're just saying…) posted the pic on his site, and now he's getting sued to kingdom come.

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So it's agreed - Anna Nicole Smith will be buried in the Bahamas. It's also agreed that the judge in charge of the Anna Nicole Smith case is a bit of a blubbering dipstick and that his ruling will be appealed against until Anna Nicole Smith turns into dust.

In a ruling that could have only been more suitable to the case if he'd painted his face up like a nightmarish clown and started yammering his decision incomprehensibly to a plastic doll in a pram, Judge Larry Seidlin yesterday pronounced that Anna Nicole Smith should be buried in the Bahamas next to her dead son Daniel in between sobbing like a girl and babbling on about spirituality like some kind of deranged lunatic. Yeah, Anna Nicole Smith would be proud. If she wasn't dead. And probably off her nut on methadone in heaven.

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There is genuinely nothing we like more than Grow Cube rip-offs here; given the choice of everlasting love, a billion pounds or a game like Poco Parco, we'd pick Poco Parco every time and then - after playing and completing it within 45 minutes - live the rest of our poverty-stricken lives alone and weeping.

But Poco Parco is worth it, damnit. If you've played any Eyezmaze games, you'll know how Poco Parco works - there's a blank environment and you have to add all sorts of features and creatures to it in a certain order to make sure that everything works in the right way. Among the Poco Parco features are cats, robots, mushroom houses, jellyfish and a giant comet that crashes in and sets stuff on fire. So play Poco Parco. Play it and enjoy it. For it is a wonderful thing.

Play Poco Parco now 

Regular readers of hecklerspray will be aware of our campaign to help our esteemed writer Chris Laverty win the Empire Thunderdome competition - sort of like American Idol only without all the abuse towards mentally ill people.

And goodness gracious us, did you ever respond to our campaign in a hardcore way. Thanks to you, hecklerspray readers, Chris Laverty received thousands of votes. Millions. So many votes, in fact, that he's been, um, booted out of the competition. For cheating. Oh…

To spice up the Thunderdome, Empire had a double eviction in this month's issue. One poor sap - ironically the best of the non-hecklerspray, non-pretty Danish girl bunch in our opinion - was eliminated for gaining the least amounts of votes. And then there's Laverty, eliminated because you lot all voted for him so much that the competition became abnormally skewed in his favour. So, um, sorry Chris. We did tell you that you'd never leave us, though. Listen next time.

Chris Laverty himself will be here next week with his final Thunderdome Diary entry to give his version of events, but if you want to read his loser's interview - and see the word 'hecklerspray' printed in an unusually small font in a national movie magazine - be sure to buy a copy of this month's Empire. Or at least stand in Tesco Express reading it until a security guard tells you to bugger off. Like we did.

It's Comic Relief soon - where bad comedians, rubbish boybands and constant uncomfortable scenes of starvation, disability and domestic violence mix together in a way not seen since Jim Davidson's Generation Game got the axe in 2002.

But there's one person who won't been seen on Comic Relief this year, and that's Jade Goody. Jade Goody had filmed a spoof version of Question Of Sport with Frank Skinner for Comic Relief, but now - following Jade's sudden fall from fame after being a bit racist on Celebrity Big Brother - Comic Relief has dropped the sketch. This is partly because Comic Relief feared that Jade Goody's participation in the event would undermine its fundraising message, and partly because Jade Goody's sole contribution to Question Of Sport was an uncomfortable monologue about how she didn't know whether Tiger Woods was a "chink," a "paki" or a "darky darky coon coon." Possibly.

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For a cold overpriced boring country that produced Ulrika Jonsson, Sweden sure has a lot of bands for the rest of the world to be jealous of. Peter Bjorn And John, The Concretes… um, all the other ones. Abba.

And we're going to be adding Love Is All to that list now that we've heard Ageing Had Never Been His Friend. We have to plead ignorance where Love is All are concerned - apparently John Peel was a fan back in the days when he was alive. Having heard Ageing Had Never Been His Friend, we can see why - Love Is All have been described as The Wedding Present meets The Go Team, and that's a description so perfect that we're going to plagiarise it wholesale. Ageing Had Never Been His Friend is phenomenal - fans of mental indie yelp-jangle are going to go barmy for it, especially since it's got the loopiest video since the beginning of time. If we're quiet for the rest of the day it's because we're trying to claw the sound of Ageing Had Never Been His Friend by Love Is All from our brains with a garden rake.

Watch The Love Is All Ageing Had Never Been His Friend video now  

For every good thing in this world there's a bad. For every cop there's a thief, for every Jedi there's an evil Emperor and for every The Queen there's a Nicolas Cage running up a hill dressed as a bear slamming his bear-fist into a woman's face.

Oh, The Razzies, how we love you. Over the last month, in addition to looking at the Oscars betting odds, we've taken the time to look at the movies and people that The Razzies have deemed to be the worst of the year. Worst Actor, Worst Actress, Worst On-Screen Couple, we've looked at them all. And since The Razzies take place tomorrow, we've left the best until last - the Razzies betting odds for the worst movie. And sweet Mary and Joseph are there ever some stinkers here. 

So here are the Razzies betting odds for Worst movie - for The Wicker Man, Lady In The Water, Little Man, Bloodrayne and Basic Instinct 2 - with betting odds from Paddy Power…

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Wait… what's this? It's news about a famous woman that doesn't involve rehab, head-shaving, drug-fuelled backwards motorway driving or creepy clown make-up - Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives, has given birth to twin daughters.

According to reports, Marcia Cross gave birth to twins Eden and Savannah on Tuesday, and will now have to put up with all the trials that having twins brings. We're thinking of the big three here: the first time that Marcia Cross forgets which twin is which and feels like a terrible mother for it, the first time that Eden and Savannah both walk into the room dressed identically and Marcia Cross freaks out about how creepy it looks, and the first time that Eden and Savannah shout at Marcia Cross because she named one of them after a biblical paradise and the one after a grassy field that catches fire a lot.

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