Posts from February, 2007

Ever since Whitney Houston split up with him, Bobby Brown has been at a loss for things to do - Bobby Brown hasn't got anybody who'll let him punch them or fiddle around inside their bum with his fingers until he's found clumps of dried-up poo anymore.

So thank goodness for the Massachusetts police force, which has given Bobby Brown something to do with his time - namely spend a month in jail for not paying $19,000 in child support fees to his two daughters by Kim Ward. Luckily for Bobby Brown, previous stints in jail have hardened him to what he can expect over the course of the next month, and his poo-plucking skills will no doubt be in great demand, as will his ability to sing Candy Girl in a high-pitched voice with a modified toothbrush shiv pressed against his throat.

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It was tough, but we did it. No, we haven’t finished our paper mache replica of David Hasselhoff – we can’t get the grin quite creepy enough - but rather, we heard a rumour that there was a bit of news out there that wasn’t about the flipping Oscars, Anna Nicole Smith’s rapidly decomposing carcass, or Britney Spears taking her bald self to rehab, so we courageously set out to find it. And find it we did. Is it quality news? Absolutely not, but it’s news nonetheless.

Word has it some obsessed (and we’re going to go out on a limb and add desperate, lonely and delusional) fan accosted Hugh Grant on the red carpet at the Dutch premiere of his latest, totally unpredictable film, Music and Lyrics. The woman mastered the death-defying security of the velvet rope, drew the Anduril sword majestically from its sheath and swiftly cut the ring of power from Hugh’s finger. Actually, she just jumped the rope and - like a loony - handcuffed herself to Hugh for a good ten minutes.

Sorry, we’ve been watching a lot of Lord of the Rings lately. We don’t get out much.

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J.J Abrams, the man behind Lost - officially the best TV show in which people suffer lengthy flashbacks and then have a fight on a beach every week - has signed on to direct the new Star Trek movie.

This news would excite hecklerspray were it not for two major reasons: 1) Lost has been steadily going downhill since the first season, and 2) Star Trek movies suck balls like a defective lottery machine.

Apart from that one with the whales. That was kind of fun. In a 'sat in house alone no girlfriend and might as well be dead' kinda way.

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The least someone deserves when they die is a swift, dignified funeral - but thanks to everyone squabbling over her body like the last Stretch Armstrong in a toy store on Christmas Eve, that's eluded Anna Nicole Smith for over three weeks now.

At the end of last week Anna Nicole Smith's body was placed in the custody of her daughter's court-appointed guardian, who ruled that Anna Nicole Smith should be buried in the Bahamas alongside her dead son as soon as possible. That ruling didn't account for Anna Nicole Smith's estranged mother Virgie Arthur, though. Virgie Arthur has taken Anna Nicole Smith's rapidly decomposing body-battle to the court of appeals to try and ensure that Anna Nicole is buried in Texas. Well, either that or she wants to hold the burial up for so long that Anna Nicole Smith's corpse dissolves completely - whichever happens first.

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James Cameron's apparent discovery of an old coffin that used to belong to Jesus is so huge that we can't really comprehend it; imagine if John Woo announced that he'd found the Virgin Mary's holy home immaculate pregnancy test kit - it's that big.

But weirdly enough, some people aren't quite so keen to buy into James Cameron's Jesus-coffin claims. Scholars and clergymen have been pouring out of the woodwork to heap scorn on Cameron's idea that Jesus died in a box instead of hopping on a cloud and going up to heaven. However, James Cameron has urged everyone to withhold their assessment of his Jesus-coffin until they've watched his Discovery Channel documentary on it, The Lost Tombs Of Jesus Christ - or at least waited for the sequel, The Lost Tombs Of Jesus Christ: Judgement Day, which is more or less the same as The Lost Tomb of Jesus Christ, except Jesus fights another Jesus who's made of liquid metal in it. And there's a Guns N' Roses soundtrack.

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Some things are so good that you feel bad when they're given away for free. We're talking about things like pens in Oxfam charity circulars, the last half-inch of beer in other people's pint glasses and Law & Order Dark Obsession.

For a free online game (that you can pay to get the full version of) Law & Order Dark Obsession is phenomenally good quality. Instead of just asking what other games ask, like pressing the spacebar every 15 seconds, Law & Order Dark Obsession is out to give your brain a thrilling workout that you'll have never experienced before. While investigating a murder in Law & Order Dark Obsession you'll be asked to survey the murder scene, use psychological tactics to interrogate witnesses, collect evidence, run tests, and solve puzzles to get to the bottom of the case. Law & Order Dark Obsession is immersive almost to the point of madness, so it's not one to be dipped in and out of. Having said that, though, Law & Order Dark Obsession has achieved the near-impossible and gained a perfect rating from people who've played it.

Order Law & Order Dark Obsession Now

Download Law & Order Dark Obsession

There comes a time in everyone's life when only big stupid tattooed dumb knuckle-dragging rawk will do - let's hope this is one of those times, because that description fits Buckcherry exactly and you're about to watch one of their videos.

Buckcherry's new single Next 2 You comes from their newest album 15. It's an album that's sold over 800,000 copies in America and got Buckcherry nominated for a Grammy. If all of 15 sounds like Next 2 You, then to these ears it'll sound a whole lot like Jet. Whether that's a good thing or not is down to you. For the video to Next 2 You, Buckcherry staged a fan competition to come up with the best user-generated treatment and, somewhat unsurprisingly, the finished result includes girls leaping around in bras fairly heavily. The great big dirty tattooed buggers.

Watch The Buckcherry Next 2 You video now

Celebrity Big Brother never used to be relevant or exciting. It was always just a pointless excuse for Channel 4 to stuff its schedule with as many spin-off shows on as possible and let Davina McCall go on telly in something other than adverts for her own hair. 

But when Jade Goody decided that the only way she could win the hearts of the British public was to go on Celebrity Big Brother and rip into a millionaire for being brown, Celebrity Big Brother became a terrifying glimpse into the mind of a deeply unstable racist that caused everyone in India to literally set fire to a homemade effigy of Jade Goody. And now Jade Goody has decided to go to India. Uh-ohhhh!

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In which hecklerspray writer Chris Laverty chronicles his ultimately doomed efforts to win the Empire Thunderdome writing competition… 

Month 4: They called me ‘Heckler’!

There was a moment, right before I picked up last month's magazine, where I seriously started to wonder what the judges had said about me. It never occurred before that moment, especially with that previous issue's derogatory example; just getting through remained priority number one.

Anyway, with hopeful optimism I opened the magazine and saw that again, for the second time running, your man at hecklerspray is about as popular as a cool refreshing can of Toilet Duck. It stings, and I now feel annoyed at myself for changing tact. Trying to show my feminine side, what was I thinking? I very quickly discover, thanks to the forum, that the Empire demographic is young adult males with an interest in action movies; not indie-queen Felicity Huffman. A bit like on here then. The website I write for. Our demographic.

I can be such a dumb fuck sometimes.

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Dancing On Ice on Saturday raised a profoundly important question: are Take That the biggest attention whores in the universe? After popping up on X Factor last year they turned up again on Dancing On Ice, singing songs for Torvill and Dean.

Seriously, Take That are now on Saturday teatime ITV shows so often that anyone would think that their target audience was clueless gits who like to do nothing better than thoughtlessly clap along to radio jingles all the time. Take That's Dancing On Ice performance was either a huge success or an abject failure depending on your viewpoint. If you're Mark Owen, you can be proud that you managed to climb all the way up on top of the piano like a big boy; but if you're anyone else, the lack of horrific accidents ending up with Gary Barlow being speared through the neck with an icicle left their performance wanting slightly.

But enough of a bunch of mouldy old singers, who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Claire Buckfield and Kyran Bracken, with help from Paddy Power…

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It may seem to you as though Britney Spears' life is just one long unrelenting slog of lunatic misery, but there's one thing that can cheer Britney Spears up - her Dome Wax; three things if you count her two sons Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Sadly, Dome Wax isn't allowed into Britney Spears' Promises rehab clinic any more - not since Ben Affleck ate three tubs of it after Matthew Perry told him that it made you hear colours - but Britney Spears' children are more than welcome to visit their mother at Promises any time they want. And that's just what they did this weekend, accompanied by their father Kevin Federline. It's thought that the contact with her sons will be enough to pull Britney Spears together, and if it was a success more of Kevin Federline's 'Hey kids, do you want to spend the rest of your life with the scary crying bald lady or me?' Britney Spears rehab trips will be planned soon.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Aliens/Government Conspiracy

We've got a weird one for you today. Phil Schneider is a ex-government geologist who claims, among other things, to have encountered a colony of aliens underground. On the next page we have a link to a YouTube page where he tells of his experience for about six and a half minutes. It's a strange story, no doubt about that, and hecklerspray is hesitant to believe it - but the way Schneider met his end, ironically, seems to lend him quite a bit of credibility.

Want details? They're on the next page.

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