Posts from February, 2007

So here's some good news and some bad news: James Blunt was in a car accident last week, but he managed to escape without having his throat so badly smashed up that he had to quit music forever - which part is the good news is up to you.

In actual fact James Blunt managed to escape the car accident without any injuries whatsoever, which is more than we can say for the poor bloke who claims he had his foot crushed by James Blunt's car. James Blunt is now under investigation by the LAPD, which is classing the incident as a 'hit and run'. Still, given the choice of having a two-ton SUV driven over your foot or hearing James Blunt sing even one note of any of his terrible songs, we know which one we'd chose.

(more…)

James Brown may have been the hardest working man in showbusiness, the most influential man in pop music and a minor star of Rocky IV, but it also seems as if James Brown might have been something else in his lifetime - a bit of a swordsman.

It's been over two months since James Brown passed away, and yet his lifeless corpse has seen more legal trouble than an army of zombie Anna Nicole Smiths. Just days after it was announced that he was all set to be buried, James Brown's carcass has been at the centre of a huge DNA row - apparently all kinds of people are coming forward saying that James Brown knocked them up and they want to get their hands on some dead soul-brother inheritance. Happily, James Brown's DNA dispute has been fixed, and now he really is ready to be buried. Unless something else happens in the meantime. And, let's face it, it will.

(more…)

Globally-televised awards ceremonies like The Oscars require everyone involved to constantly be on their best behaviour throughout - unless you're Eddie Murphy, in which case you can wig out and go home the instant you don't win an award.

According to several reports, Eddie Murphy - who was hot favourite to win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as a James Brown-alike in Dreamgirls - stormed out the Kodak Theatre and immediately went home without attending any post-Oscar parties as soon as Alan Arkin won the Oscar instead of him. But don't blow Eddie Murphy's girly Oscar night strop out of proportion, Eddie's slaves are saying - because Eddie Murphy would have lost his shit and bitterly flounced out of the Academy Awards even if he'd won the Oscar. Apparently.

(more…)

Britney Spears needs all the help she can get now that she's realised that rehab might just be the best place for a bald woman who beats up cars with umbrellas - it's just a shame that all the help Britney Spears can get looks a bit like Daniel Baldwin.

You know in Ghostbusters when Sigourney Weaver meets up with Rick Moranis and the sky opens up and everything looks bleak for the future of mankind? Well, that's the nearest event we can think of that describes the recent meeting between mighty rehab titans Britney Spears and Daniel Baldwin. According to Us Weekly, Daniel Baldwin took Britney Spears aside last week for a quick chat about rehab, staying sober and the dumbest thing either of them have done with a car. Probably. Oh, and Daniel Baldwin says we should all pray for Britney Spears, too, so make sure you do that before you continue reading.

(more…)

There are few people we feel need to be revered. The Italian guy who made Troll 2, he should be revered. Our childhood friend who we still believe was half-banana (or plantain), he should be revered. That guy had the patience of a saint!

Foxy Brown, the world's greatest mango-faced rapper, well she should be revered too. The stupid police just don't see that though. For over a decade now Foxy Brown has been working hard at not being Lil' Kim. For all those years she's done wonderful work doing unspecific stuff for nobody in particular, and not really minding if people feed the homeless sometimes. But do the police appreciate her good works? Maybe! But if they do, they show it weird, like by punching her in the bazongas, bashing her with sticks in a repetitive fashion, and stapling her face to her forearms.

Technically, we're not really sure what the police actually did to Foxy Brown, but we do know she's claiming brutality - the violent kind.

(more…)

Most people would suggest that all Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger have in common is a genetic quirk that results in freakishly oversized facial features - but those people are just cruel; and besides, Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger are making a film.

Hot on the heels of Martin Scorsese's Best Director and Best Picture double-header at the Oscars this week comes news that he's going to direct The Long Play, a movie produced by Mick Jagger from The Rolling Stones about two men's friendship in the music industry that lasts for several decades. The storyline, that is, not the actual movie. Not much else is known about The Long Play, although Mick Jagger isn't expected to contribute any solo singles to the project. Martin Scorsese may have directed Kundan, but even his wayward uncommercialism has its limits.

(more…)

TV chefs get our goat, especially that Gordon Ramsay. Telling everyone how easy it is to cook at home and then screaming at his kitchen staff because they can't follow his supposedly easy recipes - what a div.

If only Gordon Ramsay was more like the Superstar Chefs chefs. Instead of swearing at Janet Street Porter for an hour, the Superstar Chefs have to leap around some incredibly colourful rooms collecting the Superstar Chefs ingredients and trying not to be killed by the giant Superstar Chefs baddies, unless you're playing Superstar Chefs as some kind of revenge fantasy where Jamie Oliver gets stung by a swarm of giant killer bees, then you play it however the hell you want. Ace two-player option too.

Order Superstar Chefs Now

Download Superstar Chefs 

K-Os, then. Rapper. Seller of over eight bazillion records in Canada. Conscientious. Producer of an album that we quite like. Categorically not Bryan Adams, Alanis Morrisette or Nickelback. But what the jiggery flip does he sound like?

Although we gave K-Os' album Atlantis: Hymns For Disco a pretty complementary write-up on Friday, chances are you haven't heard any of it yet - unless you're one of those tutting Canadian types, obviously. But now you can, because we've got the video to K-Os' Sunday Morning single for you. Imagine Mos Def performing Hey Ya and you're probably getting close to what Sunday Morning sounds like. Sunday Morning by K-Os is catchy, soulful, relaxed, melodic and relentlessly positive in its outlook, even though it does contain the line "Every day is Saturday night," which leads us to believe that's the reason why K-Os can never hold down a proper job.

Watch The K-Os Sunday Morning video now 

Equus - or Harry Potter And The Demented Imaginary Horse-God Who Makes Him Get Naked And Stab A Bunch Of Horses In The Eye With A Metal Spike In A Fairly Disturbing Way as literally nobody is calling it - opened to a sell-out crowd last night.

Despite being one of the most significant dramatic plays to be written in the post-war period - exploring subject-matter as substantial as link between eroticism and Christianity, the expression of sexuality through mutilation and a constant questioning of the worth of normalcy - Equus is the must-see play of the year because Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter, gets his penis out and stabs a couple of horses up in it. And just about everyone loves naked Daniel Radcliffe's penis for it.

(more…)

What is it with these celeb-types at the moment? First they become famous sheerly by being moderately talented at singing or dancing or appearing on reality TV shows. Then they decide to latch onto mental instability as thought its some crazy new fad they're testing out.

Case in point: babbling bald Britney Spears and her in-out-in-out rehab antics. Like a Tom And Jerry cartoon writ large, except with more weeping and possible social services involvement.

Better case in point? Lovely Ms. Stone.

That's Sharon Stone, by the way. And not perky young soul diva Joss - whose short-skirted display at the Brit Awards earlier this month sent various members of the hecklerspray staff off to the broom cupboard to do some 'special research'.

(more…)

Tricky time of year for us, this; there's no Celebrity Big Brother, no X Factor and no Eurovision for us to do betting odds for - and nobody wants to see five days of Dancing On Ice - so just what in the name of James Cameron's bone box are we to do.

Then the answer hit us like a flash. Nobody knows who the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn Hope is - and plenty of people are saying it's them - so let's do betting odds for that. From now until Friday we're going to be looking at all the various runners and riders who have claimed to have impregnated Anna Nicole Smith before she died. Tasteless? A little bit, but if you're going to go to hell for betting, you may as well go to hell for betting on the parentage of a dead pornstar's daughter.

So here's part one of this week's Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy betting odds - for Alex Denk and Frederic von Anhalt - with betting odds from Paddy Power…

(more…)

If you're like us, you probably welcomed David and Victoria Beckham's move to Los Angeles as a welcome respite from seeing Victoria Beckham's ridiculous gaunt face looming out from all newspapers every single morning - but how wrong you were.

Not content with being married to a man who, at LA Galaxy, will earn around $300 billion every single nanosecond, Victoria Beckham is using the move to America to make herself even more unnecessarily famous than she already is. And it's worked as well - according to reports, a fly-on-the-wall reality series all about David and Victoria Beckham stumbling round their giant LA mansion trying to work out how their lightswitches work is going to be shown on NBC later this year. But don't you start feeling smug, non-Americans - you'll all have to put up with Victoria Beckham in the imminent Spice Girls reunion, too.

(more…)