Posts from January, 2007

Movies have given Nicole Kidman all sorts of bad times - starring in Bewitched and The Stepford Wives didn't exactly help her career, plus if it wasn't for films Nicole Kidman wouldn't have met the tiny Scientologist - but they've never almost killed her.

But that's another bulletpoint that Nicole Kidman can scrub off her wishlist - yesterday, on the set of her new movie Invasion, Nicole Kidman's stunt car blazed off course and ploughed into a metal post at around 50mph, causing Nicole Kidman and the other passengers such serious injuries that a hospital took two hours to decide that she was OK. On the plus side, Nicole Kidman is thinking about submitting footage of her crash to the TV show On-Set Zombie Stunt Cars Do The Most Potentially Fatal Things, and she stands to win £100 if the clip is shown. We've got that clip, too, but you'll have to keep reading for that.

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It's a well-established fact that when you make a hamster fly you end up getting detention for the whole term for strapping the school pet to a catherine wheel. Thank Moses that Flight Of The Hamsters is here to make flying hamsters just a little bit more socially acceptable.

Flight Of The Hamsters is a sort of Yeti Game clone. You know the sort; something falls down and you have to see how far you can hit it. At the last count there were roughly nine hundred million billion billion of these games floating around on the internet, and yet we can happily play Flight Of The Hamsters for hours at a go. This could be because mastering Flight Of The Hamsters takes time, as learning when best to launch the hamster into the air with the pillow is a tortuously slow process. It could also have something to do with Flight Of The Hamsters' 'glide' function, which allows you greater depth and control of your flying hamster. However, we think it's probably the silly animation and ridiculous "Yipeeee!" noises that the hamsters make when you smash them into the air that has endeared us to Flight Of The Hamsters so very much.

Play Flight Of The Hamsters now 

Lots of things spring to mind when you think of the word 'lame'. Badminton. Questionnaires about compatibility in girly magazines. Badminton. Five US. Badminton. The recorded output of Crowded House. Badminton.

Until now there has never really been a list of all the lame things in the world, but Maxim magazine has put an end to that with Maxim's 50 Lamest Things Of All Time. It's like one of those awful Best-Dressed lists you see in magazines, only about things that suck beyond all comprehension. From Neck Pillows to Dreamcatchers, from Fauxhawks to Jim Belushi, Maxim's 50 Lamest Things Of All Time covers them all. We're not going to go through the entirety of Maxim's 50 Lamest Things Of All Time, but there's a link at the bottom of this article you can click on. First, though, you must suffer through an interview - and cack-handed job-scoring attempt - between hecklerspray and Maxim.com Senior Editor Cory Jones.

What is the lamest thing in the world of all time? A quick survey in our office reveals it to be 'badminton'. Were we even warm?

Badminton was actually 51 on our list. So you were close. But we rated "mandals" as the lamest thing of all time. It's the Speedo of footwear. No one needs to see another man's feet. And the kicker: wearing them with socks is somehow worse. 

What criteria did you use to judge one entry's lameness against another. For instance, why are 'white collar bikers' less lame than 'tail on the puck'?

The main criteria we used was basically just a gut reaction. But some of them worked out mathematically. Adults on scooters are equal parts lame and equal parts pathetic. But when Fox added a cheesy electronic tail to the puck, that was 100% lame. If you're too blind or stupid to follow a hockey puck around your TV screen, you shouldn't be watching sports at all. 

Number 39 on your list is 'comedy sketches on hip-hop albums' - a worthy addition. What's the lamest hip-hop skit of all time?

Biggie's skit on Ready To Die where he's having sex is by far the lamest. Not only does it go on forever, but who wants to hear a big fat guy get laid for three minutes? (Put your hand down Dom Deluise.) 

Why hasn't hecklerspray been in Maxim yet? The very fact that we haven't came second in our small office lameness survey, you know.

You will be in our next issue, I promise.* 

*This is not a promise.

Now you may see Maxim's 50 Lamest Things Of All Time

Volkswagen-with-lipstick Jade Goody is apparently having a few problems with her upcoming trip to India.

The excursion abroad, which began life as a  cynical marketing attempt to make a racist imbecile look slightly better voyage to embrace a distant and unique culture, has so far encountered an itsy-bitsy setback. See, while all of Jade's grovelling PR minions have been posted their Indian Visas within the space of 24 little hours, the barely-literate Ms. Goody has found that her application may take a little time to 'process'.

Heaven forbid this should upset Jade further. Reports have been flooding in recently that claim she is on the verge of suicide - an act that could either be deemed 'tragic' or 'a fine example of Darwinism in action', dependent on how sane you are.

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What a weird series of Celebrity Big Brother this has been - a week of toe-curling boredom, a week of shrieking international racism and then another week so dull it made the first week look like the most thrilling thing since the Big Bang.

But, hey, this is it. It's the final of Celebrity Big Brother on Sunday, so this is the last you'll hear from us about it. Who's going to win Celebrity Big Brother? It won't be Ken Russell, so we can't say we're too fussed. Before Sunday's Celebrity Big Brother final, though, we've got tonight's huge double eviction to look forward to. Cleo Rocos, Ian Watkins, Shilpa Shetty, Dirk Benedict and Jo O'Meara are all up for the Celebrity Big Brother chop, and we just don't know who's going to be going. Well, yes, OK, we do know - Jo O'Meara's going to be going isn't she, the massive racist. Probably.

Yesterday we looked at the Celebrity Big Brother betting odds of Ian, Shilpa and Cleo - which just leaves the two favourites for eviction at time of writing. Here are the Celebrity Big Brother betting odds for Dirk Benedict and Jo O'Meara, with betting odds from Paddy Power. Remember, these are odds for the fourth eviction only - the first housemate to leave…

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The Dakota Fanning child-rape movie Hounddog is going down a storm at Sundance, and by 'going down a storm' we mean 'not a single person is dumb enough to want to go anywhere near a film where Dakota Fanning gets raped in a barn.'

According to reports Hounddog - despite being easily the most controversial movie at this year's Sundance film festival - just can't seem to find a buyer. There are many conflicting theories as to why nobody wants to buy a film where little 12-year-old Dakota Fanning gets raped by an older man - some say it's because the script is flaccid and cliched, some say it's because events in the movie pass for no reason and are never spoken of again, and some say it's because look, for the love of all that's holy, a 12-year-old gets raped in it! How creepy is that?

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Snoop Dogg may be able to spit a mean rhyme, but when it comes to understanding and complying with new aviation hand luggage rules, he could use a little help - especially with the rule about not carrying huge deadly weapons onto a plane.

And thanks to this simple misunderstanding of a fundamental rule, Snoop Dogg has ended up in all sorts of trouble. Just because he tried to sneak a 21-inch collapsible metal police baton in his hand luggage onto a plane in Orange County back in September, Snoop Dogg has been hauled into court on a possession of a deadly weapon charge. But don't worry, because Snoop Dogg has instructed his lawyers to enter a not guilty plea on his behalf, possibly in the hope of downgrading the charge to one less provocative, like possession of a deadly weapon and some quite nice shoes.

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Jimi Hendrix was famous for his virtuoso electric guitar playing, gigantic hair and occasional tendency to take enough drugs to literally kill him, but that's all in the past - now Jimi Hendrix is mostly famous for being named after a Red Bull rip-off drink.

Of all the ways to celebrate the life of Jimi Hendrix - visiting his grave, dancing naked in your garden to Crosstown Traffic, changing the spelling of your name from 'Jimmy' to 'Jimi' even though you're fully aware it makes you look like a proper nobsack - California drinks company Beverage Concepts has decided that none is as good as buying a probably-overpriced energy drink with a picture of Jimi Hendrix on the front, drinking it, then being unable to sleep properly at night because of all the caffeine thumping around your body. Usually we'd be upset to see a dead artist like Jimi Hendrix transformed into a lowest common denominator commodity like the Liquid Experience drink, but it's annoyed Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, so we'll let it pass this time.

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Kevin Federline is a changed man. He's no longer the pointless wannabe rapper with the crap hair and the millionaire wife, he's a responsible young adult with a refreshingly mature attitude to life - but just you try telling that to fast food workers.

Part of Kevin Federline's attempts to shake off his old image and stand on his own two feet after the collapse of his marriage to Britney Spears is a Super Bowl advert for Nationwide Insurance, where one minute Kevin Federline is rapping his heart out, and the next minute he's cooking fries in a fast food restaurant. At this point Kevin Federline looks around at his surroundings and shouts "A burger flipper? I'm an effing burger flipper? But fast food workers are the lowest, dirtiest, most worthless pieces of shit in the whole effing universe! When I see someone that works in a fast food restaurant I spit at them and then fart in their face because I hate them all - without exception - so very very much. And that Hamburglar can eff off too" OK, Kevin Federline doesn't actually say any of that in the nationwide ad, but he may as well have judging by the apeshit tantrum the National Restaurant Association in America has thrown about Kevin Federline's commercial.

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When Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington decided to call co-star TR Knight a "faggot" in a heated on-set argument, people thought he was a great big gay-hating twit; but they're wrong - now Isaiah Washington is a gay-hating twit in rehab.

Now that rumours are flying around suggesting that Isaiah Washington will get the sack soon from Grey's Anatomy - with his character Dr Preston Xavier Burke eaten to death by a militant gay pterodactyl - Isaiah Washington is going all out to prove that he can change the hatred in his heart for good and discover exactly why he bloody well hates gay people so much by entering himself into counselling. There are no real clues as to what form Isaiah Washington's gay counselling will take, although we did happen to see an entry circled in Isaiah's phone book for a course entitled You Can Hate The Gays All You Want In Your Head, But If You Say 'Faggot' Out Loud Again Then That's Your Job On That Lousy Hospital TV Show Up The Wazoo, Buster.

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