Posts from January, 2007

It's a well-kept secret that Paris Hilton is a deeply secretive woman, and even though you can't switch on TV, open a magazine, read a website or listen to the radio without at least one of your senses being offended by Paris, some things are private to her.

No, we're just kidding - nothing is private to Paris Hilton. When Paris Hilton embarrassingly messes up things that most six-year-olds don't have trouble doing, she does it on The Simple Life. When Paris Hilton wonders about the eyesight of giant intergalactic balls of fire, she writes a song about it. And most crucially, when Paris Hilton has it off, she does it on the internet for all the curious perverts of the world to see. But enough is enough - Paris Hilton is suing a new website that charges visitors to see an array of her personal items including photos, videos and medical records in the hope that the lawsuit will stop people from seeing her naked, even though most men have seen Paris Hilton's bare tumpsy more often than they've seen their own reflection.

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Now that Casino Royale has been out for a few months, the world has had time to downsize its initial opinion of the film from "Wow, Casino Royale is the best Bond film ever" to "Yeah, I suppose it was sort of OK in places" - and now it's China's turn.

Even though no James Bond movies have ever been officially released in China, Casino Royale this week became the first 007 film to hit Chinese cinemas uncensored and is expected to become China's highest-ever grossing foreign movie, despite the fact that Casino Royale has been widely available on pirated DVDs for months. It's hard to know how the release of Casino Royale will affect China's view of the west, apart from making the country think that all card games feature a jovial bearded man standing behind the action explaining exactly what's happening for people too stupid to understand. And a man who can squirt blood out of his eyes.

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British TV is entering that solace phase, where it sheds off old shows and wraps itself up in an extra thick layer of winter goggle-candy. Big Brother ends, Top Gear starts. Channel 4 pulls on its thermals in the shape of Skins, ITV gets ready to cover us in goosebumps with Supernatural and the BBC, well, it ploughs on with Casualty and the like.

We're pretty much non-plussed by the lot. Apart from a slight tear shed at Dirk ‘Starbuck’ Benedict missing out on his rightful second coming in the hearts of the UK public, British TV is offering nothing as sexy and as bloody brilliant as the US is. 

Once again it’s down to 24 – the show that continues to rewrite rule books – to show us how exciting and gosh-darn thrilling a simple 45 minutes can be.

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hecklerspray is a celebrity news site. That's no secret, right?

And celebrities are usually beautiful people with a fat wallet and a penchant for really living high on the hog. For us to post a story on an organisation and not a person, well that wouldn't be celebrity news at all. Sometimes though, a non-human entity pops up so often in relation to celebrity news that it almost becomes a celebrity itself.

Take PETA and Scientology for instance - those guys are all over the place. Each one of them has appeared in conjuncture with a literary hecklerspray masterpiece more times than Judd Hirsch, the Hamburgler and Bea Arthur combined. Did you know some PETA people got busted last week for allegedly throwing animals they killed into a dumpster? Yeah, we were dying to tell you, but there wasn't exactly a celebrity tie-in - such anxiety we've never known. We need a release.

Oh, and the rest of this article is about J-Lo being in love with Tom Cruise or something.

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Brandy - the Grammy-winning R&B artist, star of Moesha and judge on that show where the man kicked a flaming bowling ball with steak knives sticking out of it at his own face with a live scorpion down his pants - might be going to jail soon.

Brandy's woes began when her car shunted into another on a Los Angeles freeway last month, sparking off a chain reaction that ended in a woman's death. But now that Brandy's crash has been uncovered, the California Highway Patrol has recommended that Brandy be charged with vehicular manslaughter for kick-starting the fatal accident. We would have reported on Brandy's crash earlier, but for the life of us we couldn't think of any funny jokes about multivehicular car crashes that kill people.

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In the UK, a garden can usually be identified by three main objects; 1) a rusty, never-used swing, 2) a patch near the bottom of the garden that hasn't seen a lawnmower for decades and 3) a dirty great dog turd right in the middle.

Not all gardens are like this, though, as today's game Zen Puzzle Garden proves. Zen Puzzle Garden is, as the cleverer of you will have already worked out, a puzzle game set in a zen garden. In Zen Puzzle Garden you play a little gardening monk - or something - and it's your job to neatly rake every square inch of your garden while overcoming and avoiding the various obstacles that get in your way. The puzzles contained within Zen Puzzle Garden are numerous and intricate, but they're all easy enough for you to not blow your head off in frustration. All in all we'd say that Zen Puzzle Garden was kind of… zen.

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By now, regular hecklerspray readers will know all about our very own Chris Laverty's quest to be crowned winner of Empire magazine's Thunderdome competition - like American Idol but more about writing and less about angrily demanding to see Simon Cowell's work permit.

And here's the good news - Chris has made it through yet another stage of the competition with flying colours, but he still needs all the help your feeble mortal bodies can give him. The rules of Empire Thunderdome are still the same - you need to go and visit the Empire Thunderdome page and click on Chris Laverty's face again and again until all the repetitive movement knackers your finger beyond repair. It'll be worth the effort, promise.

For those of you who haven't read this month's Empire yet, we snuck into Tescos and read it until we were moved on bought our own copy, so we know that Chris spent last month writing a news story about her out of Desperate Housewives. And Empire told him the story was funny but ultimately inconsequential. It's the hecklerspray way, that's for sure, and almost enough to make us weep a single proud tear.

So what are you waiting for? Go to the Empire Thunderdome page right away and vote for Laverty! Vote like your lives depend on it! And, since Sofie The Pretty Danish Girl bit the dust this month, you've got no excuse to get distracted. Unless disturbingly goonish-looking overweight blokes named after rubbish circus acts are your thing, of course.

Vote For Chris Laverty at Empire Thunderdome now 

We've known this day was coming for months now, and yet no amount of time could fully prepare us mentally for the horror of seeing Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe standing around naked next to a horse he's about to do in with a great big metal spike.

But that's what's happened. Daniel Radcliffe's in-no-way kneejerk decision to go from playing wholesome kiddie wizard Harry Potter to some deranged naked boy who stabs horses in the eyes in a new stage run of Equus has resulted in the first publicity shots from Equus being published all over the place. And what does Harry Potter look like naked, psychologically berserk and standing next to a horse that he's about to stab in the eye while simultaneously worshipping it as some kind of horse-god and forcing a policeman to dream that he's ritually pulling the beating hearts out of hundreds of screaming children? We'll tell you just as soon as we've stopped crying and working out just what the hell we're doing with our lives.

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We normally like stories about celebrities on hecklerspray – Emma Bunton Pregnant, Helen Mirren Wins a Trophy, Dido Found in WH Smith - but when a 19 year old nobody from Coventry decides to cover his head with a tattoo of the most important meal of the day, you’ve gotta admit that too is worth five minutes of your time.

Dayne Gilbey is a man who likes his ink. He has four tattoos, and, as far as we know, has spent no time in a psychiatric institution. For 19 years on this planet he has resisted the urge to put his head in a gas oven and forget the matches.

Then it happened; he rolled out of bed, brushed his teeth, and decided to have a full English breakfast tattooed on his head. Of course, dinner on your bonce without a knife and fork would look stupid, so he’s having them scratched on too, one behind each ear to ensure symmetry.

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That Rod Stewart, eh? What a lad.

Okay, okay, so we'll forget about the fact that his musical output has widely been regarded as a joke for the best part of 30 years. And that he shrugged off recent questions about his rockstar Carbon Footprint with the less-than-progressive attitude of "well … I've got to travel, haven't I?" Oh - and the fact that his fans are invariably middle-aged women called Sharon who still believe - in their heart of hearts - that their favourite blonde crooner will one day sweep them off their feet (and away from a lifetime of Kwik-Save deputy management).

We'll ignore all that. Because - eh? eh? - what a lad!

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Common sense rules that watching a load of people dressed as nitwits skating around on some ice to all sorts of bad music should be horrifying - but despite this Dancing On Ice is quickly becoming must-see television for one reason and one reason only.

It's not the nano-celebrities taking part on Dancing On Ice, it's not the self-consciously nasty Dancing On Ice judges and it's not that woman who looks a bit like a supermarket own-brand version of Cat Deeley. No, the reason we're become slowly addicted to Dancing On Ice is the pervert Dancing On Ice commentator. We can't for the life of us remember the name of the pervert Dancing On Ice commentator but - boy oh boy - is he ever a pervert. Instead of commentating on the technical skills of the ice dancers, the pervert Dancing On Ice commentator prefers to dribble and rub himself while watching all the pretty girls skate around in little dresses. On Saturday he openly declared that he wanted to squeeze one girl until juice came out and then embarked on a long-winded sex fantasy about undressing Stephen Gately's partner. Seriously, the man is a filthy genius, and you need to pay more attention to him.

But who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here's part two of this week's Dancing On Ice betting odds - for Lisa Scott-Lee, Kyran Bracken, Duncan James and Claire Buckfield - with help as ever from Paddy Power…

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The Sundance film festival is an exciting melting pot of movies - one minute you're watching a film about a girl with teeth instead of a vagina and the next you're watching Dakota Fanning get raped - but only two films can be named as Sundance's best.

The two big winners of the Sundance grand-jury prize that were named this weekend are Padre Nuestro and Manda Bala - a heartbreaking film about an immigrant's depressing search to find his father and a heartbreaking documentary about the depressing corruption of the Brazilian government. But just to show that Sundance has a lighter side too, the Sundance audience award went to Grace Is Gone, a heartbreaking drama about a depressing road-trip where John Cusack tells his children that their mother was killed in Iraq. Congratulations Sundance, you've picked the only three films in the whole wide world less depressing that the sight of a 12-year-old girl getting raped.

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