From the monthly archives:

December 2006

Yoko Ono’s Driver Charged With Being An Odd Pervy Turk

by Stuart Heritage

John Lennon once sang “Imagine there’s no heaven, if easy if you try” but Yoko Ono must be wishing he sang “Imagine your driver isn’t a crazy-ass pervert death threat stalker, it’s slightly less easy because that’s what he appears to actually be.”

Koral Karson, the Turkish-born driver who Yoko Ono had arrested yesterday has now been charged and is in custody on $500,000 bail after it was claimed that not only did he try and blackmail Yoko Ono for $2 million with a picture of her in a nightie and an audiotape of her thoughts on Brokeback Mountain, but – slightly more seriously – had made death threats against Yoko Ono and her family and even apparently boasted that he was injecting poison into her while she slept. All in all the allegations are so terrifying that Heather Mills is possibly planning to rip them off and say that Paul McCartney did all that stuff to her, too.

John Lennon once sang "Imagine there's no heaven, if easy if you try" but Yoko Ono must be wishing he sang "Imagine your driver isn't a crazy-ass pervert death threat stalker, it's slightly less easy because that's what he appears to actually be." Koral Karson, the Turkish-born driver who Yoko Ono had arrested yesterday has now been charged and is in custody on $500,000 bail after it was claimed that not only did he try and blackmail Yoko Ono for $2 million with a picture of her in a nightie and an audiotape of her thoughts on Brokeback Mountain, but - slightly more seriously - had made death threats against Yoko Ono and her family and even apparently boasted that he was injecting poison into her while she slept. All in all the allegations are so terrifying that Heather Mills is possibly planning to rip them off and say that Paul McCartney did all that stuff to her, too.
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SLACKERJACK – Slam

by Stuart Heritage

Fast reaction times aren’t a prerequisite for a job at hecklerspray. That’s generally a good thing – many’s the day when a roll of sellotape is thrown between desks, only for the receiver to indifferently swipe his hand three entire days later.

Slam, though – Jesus Christ, we’re not sure that psychic amphetamined-up ninja fighter pilots have got the reaction times to play Slam with any amount of success. We should probably explain Slam to you, shouldn’t we. If Pong is tennis, then Slam is squash. A ball is fired into the air, and two paddles take turn to bounce it back into the air again. While that sounds like an almost childishly easy thing to accomplish, Slam operates at such a blisteringly frenetic pace that it’s hard to keep up – and then gets faster and faster. Slam moves so fast that half the time you won’t even know whose turn it is, let alone be able to construct any kind of winning strategy. When you play Slam, it somehow manages to be over before you’ve got your brain to piece together what’s actually happened, and it’s all the better for it.

Play Slam now

Fast reaction times aren't a prerequisite for a job at hecklerspray. That's generally a good thing - many's the day when a roll of sellotape is thrown between desks, only for the receiver to indifferently swipe his hand three entire days later. Slam, though - Jesus Christ, we're not sure that psychic amphetamined-up ninja fighter pilots have got the reaction times to play Slam with any amount of success. We should probably explain Slam to you, shouldn't we. If Pong is tennis, then Slam is squash. A ball is fired into the air, and two paddles take turn to bounce it back into the air again. While that sounds like an almost childishly easy thing to accomplish, Slam operates at such a blisteringly frenetic pace that it's hard to keep up - and then gets faster and faster. Slam moves so fast that half the time you won't even know whose turn it is, let alone be able to construct any kind of winning strategy. When you play Slam, it somehow manages to be over before you've got your brain to piece together what's actually happened, and it's all the better for it. Play Slam now
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Uh-Oh: Sienna Miller Doesn’t Like Reality TV

by Stuart Heritage

When you’re famous, every single word you say should be carved into marble and preserved for generations; but when you’re half-famous and barely recognisable, most things you say sound like the twerpings of a lonely pensioner – just ask Sienna Miller.

Sienna Miller. Think hard, you know who Sienna Miller is. She was in Layer Cake for eight seconds and Alfie for 14 seconds, remember? Oh, and she was Jude Law’s girlfriend when he started banging the help. But even though Sienna Miller is approximately a million times more famous for sort of going out with the balding bloke from The Holiday than she is for doing a job – and is still far less famous than Howard from the Halifax advert – Sienna Miller still clearly has her eyes on the Voice Of A Generation prize, and has decided to tell Tatler all sorts of lazy, barely-conceived generalisations in the hope that it makes her look either clever or deep. It doesn’t. For starters, Sienna Miller doesn’t like reality TV because of, you know, what it does to, like, society. And stuff.

When you're famous, every single word you say should be carved into marble and preserved for generations; but when you're half-famous and barely recognisable, most things you say sound like the twerpings of a lonely pensioner - just ask Sienna Miller. Sienna Miller. Think hard, you know who Sienna Miller is. She was in Layer Cake for eight seconds and Alfie for 14 seconds, remember? Oh, and she was Jude Law's girlfriend when he started banging the help. But even though Sienna Miller is approximately a million times more famous for sort of going out with the balding bloke from The Holiday than she is for doing a job - and is still far less famous than Howard from the Halifax advert - Sienna Miller still clearly has her eyes on the Voice Of A Generation prize, and has decided to tell Tatler all sorts of lazy, barely-conceived generalisations in the hope that it makes her look either clever or deep. It doesn't. For starters, Sienna Miller doesn't like reality TV because of, you know, what it does to, like, society. And stuff.
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X Factor Betting Odds: Leona Or Ray To Win Tomorrow?

by Stuart Heritage

The final of X Factor is always a bittersweet affair. Any trace of sadness that the country’s premiere talent show competition is balanced by the creeping certainty that we’re going to be really really violently sick of the winner by Sunday afternoon.

We’ve seen X Factor right from the start – from back in the summer, in fact, when we had nothing better to do with our time than to laugh at the borderline disabled contestants who lined up in the pouring rain with 10,000 other grasping shitheads just so they could sing the first three words of The Greatest Love Of All before getting called an awful wanker by Simon Cowell. Since then we watched the obligatory rubbish X Factor bootcamp episodes and then what we’d all been waiting for – the live X Factor elimination shows. Anyone remember 4Sure? Dionne? The wheelchair girl? They don’t matter any more – tomorrow is the X Factor final; it’s a straight-ahead race between dull but good Leona Lewis and dull but shit Ray Quinn. This is your last chance to place an X Factor bet, people. Do us proud.

Here are the X Factor final betting odds for Ray Quinn and Leona Lewis…

The final of X Factor is always a bittersweet affair. Any trace of sadness that the country's premiere talent show competition is balanced by the creeping certainty that we're going to be really really violently sick of the winner by Sunday afternoon. We've seen X Factor right from the start - from back in the summer, in fact, when we had nothing better to do with our time than to laugh at the borderline disabled contestants who lined up in the pouring rain with 10,000 other grasping shitheads just so they could sing the first three words of The Greatest Love Of All before getting called an awful wanker by Simon Cowell. Since then we watched the obligatory rubbish X Factor bootcamp episodes and then what we'd all been waiting for - the live X Factor elimination shows. Anyone remember 4Sure? Dionne? The wheelchair girl? They don't matter any more - tomorrow is the X Factor final; it's a straight-ahead race between dull but good Leona Lewis and dull but shit Ray Quinn. This is your last chance to place an X Factor bet, people. Do us proud. Here are the X Factor final betting odds for Ray Quinn and Leona Lewis...
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Yoko Ono’s Driver Possibly A Little Bit Blackmaily

by Stuart Heritage

When you’re a celebrity, everybody wants something from you; maybe it’s an autograph, maybe even something as simple as a smile from time to time or maybe – if you’re Yoko Ono’s driver – $2 million of cold hard blackmail-obtained wonga.

According to reports, 50-year-old Koral Karsan has been arrested for allegedly trying to blackmail Yoko Ono, who employed him as a driver. Karsan is alleged to have demanded $2 million from Yoko Ono or else he’d publish pictures and audio tapes of her, which would be a big deal if everyone didn’t already a) know what Yoko Ono looks like and b) how she sounds when she talks. Other than that, it would have been the perfect crime.

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Babel Gets Quite A Few Golden Globes Nominations

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about The Golden Globes is the way that it recognises comedy, making for a typically light-hearted event; the Golden Globes nominations have just been announced, so what films will be making for a ho-ho chortlefest this time?

Well Babel, mainly, the absurdly depressing story about how one random-seeming depressing act impacts on a raft of other depressing characters across the globe until everyone ends up so depressed that they just stay in bed all day. Babel received the most Golden Globes nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Drama, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actress (again), Best Screenplay, Best Score and Best Film To Show An Unhappy Person If You Want Them To Fling Themselves Off A Building The Instant it Finishes.

But you want to find out what got nominated for the other Golden Globes, don’t you. Don’t you?

The best thing about The Golden Globes is the way that it recognises comedy, making for a typically light-hearted event; the Golden Globes nominations have just been announced, so what films will be making for a ho-ho chortlefest this time? Well Babel, mainly, the absurdly depressing story about how one random-seeming depressing act impacts on a raft of other depressing characters across the globe until everyone ends up so depressed that they just stay in bed all day. Babel received the most Golden Globes nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Drama, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actress (again), Best Screenplay, Best Score and Best Film To Show An Unhappy Person If You Want Them To Fling Themselves Off A Building The Instant it Finishes. But you want to find out what got nominated for the other Golden Globes, don't you. Don't you?
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Myspace Trawl – Grandaddy

by Matthew Laidlow

Usually this feature is only for the bands that are relatively new, kick-arse and are undiscovered. Unfortunately though, they tend to get ignored by everyone in the media because their ears are either clogged up with the toss that’s played on commercial radio/music TV or they’re scared of something exciting and different.

This week’s trawl is a very simple way of showing of what happens when nothing new and different is allowed to get to us. Basically, it results in quality acts splitting up because, like you and us, they need to make a living to support their families with. Sadly this happened to the absolutely incredible but now defunct Grandaddy.

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Angelina Jolie Didn’t Want To Destroy Brad Pitt’s Marriage, Then Did

by Stuart Heritage

When it comes to secretive relationship behaviour, hecklerspray is up there with the best of them. For instance, our two-year marriage to Shakira is a secret to everybody, even – thanks to a heady cocktail of chloroform and Rohypnol – Shakira herself.

But that pales into insignificance next to the ultra-secretive movements of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Seriously, if it wasn’t for all the photo-shoots, global disruption and baby-having they did together, we wouldn’t even suspect that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were a couple at all. But now – for a reason that just so happens to coincide with the release of her new movie – Angelina Jolie has decided to spill the beans about her and Brad in an interview with Vogue. By ‘spill the beans’ we obviously mean ‘rub Jennifer Aniston’s dirty nose in it the second she becomes single and vulnerable again’, but you knew that, didn’t you.

When it comes to secretive relationship behaviour, hecklerspray is up there with the best of them. For instance, our two-year marriage to Shakira is a secret to everybody, even - thanks to a heady cocktail of chloroform and Rohypnol - Shakira herself. But that pales into insignificance next to the ultra-secretive movements of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Seriously, if it wasn't for all the photo-shoots, global disruption and baby-having they did together, we wouldn't even suspect that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were a couple at all. But now - for a reason that just so happens to coincide with the release of her new movie - Angelina Jolie has decided to spill the beans about her and Brad in an interview with Vogue. By 'spill the beans' we obviously mean 'rub Jennifer Aniston's dirty nose in it the second she becomes single and vulnerable again', but you knew that, didn't you.
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Creepy Princess Diana Concert All Sold Out Already

by Stuart Heritage

It’ll be ten years next year since Princess Diana died in a car in a tunnel in Paris. There will be many ways for the public to express its lasting grief towards Princess Diana, but none more fitting than by having a bit of a jig to Crocodile Rock.

The Princess Diana Memorial Concert is set to take place next July in the new Wembley Stadium, but chances are you won’t be going to it. Not because the idea of a memorial concert for an over-privileged woman with an eating disorder who nobody even really liked before she died that much featuring the genuinely stomach-churning line-up of Elton John, Duran Duran and Andrew Lloyd Webber quite rightly makes you want to run into the sea and not stop until you reach the safety of another country, but because 60,000 red-eyed housewives with embroideries of Princess Diana as an angel on their walls have already beaten you to it. The Princess Diana Memorial Concert sold out less than half an hour after the tickets went on sale, and that’s without Paul McCartney inevitably announcing that he’ll close the concert with a version of Hey Jude so preposterously stretched out that people will end up wishing that it was him who bit it in Paris instead of Diana.

It'll be ten years next year since Princess Diana died in a car in a tunnel in Paris. There will be many ways for the public to express its lasting grief towards Princess Diana, but none more fitting than by having a bit of a jig to Crocodile Rock. The Princess Diana Memorial Concert is set to take place next July in the new Wembley Stadium, but chances are you won't be going to it. Not because the idea of a memorial concert for an over-privileged woman with an eating disorder who nobody even really liked before she died that much featuring the genuinely stomach-churning line-up of Elton John, Duran Duran and Andrew Lloyd Webber quite rightly makes you want to run into the sea and not stop until you reach the safety of another country, but because 60,000 red-eyed housewives with embroideries of Princess Diana as an angel on their walls have already beaten you to it. The Princess Diana Memorial Concert sold out less than half an hour after the tickets went on sale, and that's without Paul McCartney inevitably announcing that he'll close the concert with a version of Hey Jude so preposterously stretched out that people will end up wishing that it was him who bit it in Paris instead of Diana.
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Everybody Loves Raymond’s Dead Dad

by Stuart Heritage

That’s it – we really don’t want to see an Everybody Loves Raymond reunion show any more. That’s partly to do with Everybody Loves Raymond being dreadful and partly to do with the actor who played the angry Dad, Peter Boyle, dying.

Peter Boyle died in a New York hospital on Tuesday night aged 71 after a fight with heart disease and plasma cell cancer multiple myeloma. But to remember Peter Boyle solely as the father in a long-running, toothlessly inoffensive sitcom about a family that hates each other would be to do him a great disservice – Peter Boyle also starred in memorable pieces of cinema such as Taxi Driver, Young Frankenstein and Monster’s Ball. However, we know how we’re going to remember Peter Boyle: as the brutal mastermind of the violent United Kickboxing Association in Kickboxer 2: The Road Back.

That's it - we really don't want to see an Everybody Loves Raymond reunion show any more. That's partly to do with Everybody Loves Raymond being dreadful and partly to do with the actor who played the angry Dad, Peter Boyle, dying. Peter Boyle died in a New York hospital on Tuesday night aged 71 after a fight with heart disease and plasma cell cancer multiple myeloma. But to remember Peter Boyle solely as the father in a long-running, toothlessly inoffensive sitcom about a family that hates each other would be to do him a great disservice - Peter Boyle also starred in memorable pieces of cinema such as Taxi Driver, Young Frankenstein and Monster's Ball. However, we know how we're going to remember Peter Boyle: as the brutal mastermind of the violent United Kickboxing Association in Kickboxer 2: The Road Back.
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