From the monthly archives:

December 2006

If Rupert Murdoch Fired Judith Regan, Here’s How It… Oh, Wait

by Stuart Heritage

If things went to plan, this time next week you’d have all been unwrapping copies of If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, pulling a strained face and saying “oh, a book describing how OJ Simpson would have murdered his own wife, how did you know?”

But things sometimes don’t go the way you expect them to, and that’s the case with If I Did It, Here’s How it Happened by OJ Simpson. Thanks to some crazy fools thinking that a book written by a man found to be legally liable for the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend describing exactly how he would have brutally murdered them if he had the chance was in bad taste, If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened by OJ Simpson will never see the light of day. And thanks to all the fuss that the OJ Simpson Murdering Former Spouses And Their Friends For Dummies caused, the woman in charge of the whole shebang, Judith Regan, has been sacked by Fox.

If things went to plan, this time next week you'd have all been unwrapping copies of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, pulling a strained face and saying "oh, a book describing how OJ Simpson would have murdered his own wife, how did you know?" But things sometimes don't go the way you expect them to, and that's the case with If I Did It, Here's How it Happened by OJ Simpson. Thanks to some crazy fools thinking that a book written by a man found to be legally liable for the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend describing exactly how he would have brutally murdered them if he had the chance was in bad taste, If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson will never see the light of day. And thanks to all the fuss that the OJ Simpson Murdering Former Spouses And Their Friends For Dummies caused, the woman in charge of the whole shebang, Judith Regan, has been sacked by Fox.
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SLACKERJACK – Believe In Santa

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re anything like us you woke up this morning, stumbled to your desk, pointed your bleary eyes at your calender, realised that it’s Christmas Day in a week and had a minor panic attack because you haven’t bought anything for anyone yet.

And if you’re anything like us, you’re about to start playing Believe In Santa for so long that the next time you look at your calender it’ll be 3am on December 25 and you’ll have buggered up everyone’s Christmas by forgetting to buy presents again. Believe In Santa is another of those games that ties Christmas directly to angry customers barking at overworked sales staff in shops – the aim of Believe In Santa is to make, colour and decorate a whole range of Christmas gifts for bunch of impatient arse-faced customers so that Santa takes you on a sleigh ride on Christmas Eve. Even without the Christmas tie-in, Believe In Santa would make a great, frantic, user-friendly game, but at this time of year Believe In Santa is topical, too, and could only be made more current by having Nicole Richie driving around all spazzed on drugs in it.

Order Believe In Santa Now

Download Believe In Santa

If you're anything like us you woke up this morning, stumbled to your desk, pointed your bleary eyes at your calender, realised that it's Christmas Day in a week and had a minor panic attack because you haven't bought anything for anyone yet. And if you're anything like us, you're about to start playing Believe In Santa for so long that the next time you look at your calender it'll be 3am on December 25 and you'll have buggered up everyone's Christmas by forgetting to buy presents again. Believe In Santa is another of those games that ties Christmas directly to angry customers barking at overworked sales staff in shops - the aim of Believe In Santa is to make, colour and decorate a whole range of Christmas gifts for bunch of impatient arse-faced customers so that Santa takes you on a sleigh ride on Christmas Eve. Even without the Christmas tie-in, Believe In Santa would make a great, frantic, user-friendly game, but at this time of year Believe In Santa is topical, too, and could only be made more current by having Nicole Richie driving around all spazzed on drugs in it. Order Believe In Santa Now Download Believe In Santa
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Celebrity Haiku: The Year In Review

by C J Davies

Here we are, folks. We’re fast approaching the end of 2006, and hecklerspray be getting retrospective on yo’ ass.

Regular readers of this site – and if you’re not one of them, slap yourself in the face like the mad fool you are – will be aware that we like to set our beloved audience a weekly task: to sum up a crazy topical celebrity story in the style of an ancient Japanese poetry-writer.

We call it the Celebrity Haiku Competition. Just for the sake of simplicity.

We’re going to give the haikus a bit of a rest until 2007 – we wouldn’t want to spoil you – but rest assured that we’ll be returning all bright and shiny and happy and (rumour has it) with the added incentive of actual prizes to look forward to. We know – has there ever been anything more exciting in the history of the known universe? We doubt it.

In the meantime, though, let’s take a look at some of our favourite Celebrity Haikus of 2006, and the news-based japes that inspired them…

Here we are, folks. We're fast approaching the end of 2006, and hecklerspray be getting retrospective on yo' ass. Regular readers of this site - and if you're not one of them, slap yourself in the face like the mad fool you are - will be aware that we like to set our beloved audience a weekly task: to sum up a crazy topical celebrity story in the style of an ancient Japanese poetry-writer. We call it the Celebrity Haiku Competition. Just for the sake of simplicity. We're going to give the haikus a bit of a rest until 2007 - we wouldn't want to spoil you - but rest assured that we'll be returning all bright and shiny and happy and (rumour has it) with the added incentive of actual prizes to look forward to. We know - has there ever been anything more exciting in the history of the known universe? We doubt it. In the meantime, though, let's take a look at some of our favourite Celebrity Haikus of 2006, and the news-based japes that inspired them...
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Leona Lewis Wins X Factor: Rubbish Single Imminent

by Stuart Heritage

Leona Lewis won X Factor on Saturday, just like everyone knew she would from the first time she opened her mouth, belted out a generic power ballad, burst into tears and squeaked out a handful of personality-devoid platitudes to Kate Thornton.

When Leona Lewis won X Factor, one of three main responses was prompted from the people watching at home. 1) “Thank God for that, at least that swivel-eyed twerp who looks like a demonic ventriloquist’s dummy didn’t win,” 2) “O No I Luvvvvvvv Ray Ur So gawjus Babe UR F2F Lol!!!!!!1!!!!1!!” or 3) “Did I really waste two and a half fucking hours of my precious life actually watching this shit? I feel so… so dirty.” Do you really need to ask which of these three responses we were going through as Leona Lewis stammered and sobbed her way to X Factor victory on Saturday? Do you? Really?

Leona Lewis won X Factor on Saturday, just like everyone knew she would from the first time she opened her mouth, belted out a generic power ballad, burst into tears and squeaked out a handful of personality-devoid platitudes to Kate Thornton. When Leona Lewis won X Factor, one of three main responses was prompted from the people watching at home. 1) "Thank God for that, at least that swivel-eyed twerp who looks like a demonic ventriloquist's dummy didn't win," 2) "O No I Luvvvvvvv Ray Ur So gawjus Babe UR F2F Lol!!!!!!1!!!!1!!" or 3) "Did I really waste two and a half fucking hours of my precious life actually watching this shit? I feel so... so dirty." Do you really need to ask which of these three responses we were going through as Leona Lewis stammered and sobbed her way to X Factor victory on Saturday? Do you? Really?
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Christmas Number One Betting Odds: Chombo, Abraham, Pingu

by Stuart Heritage

It’s the week before Christmas, and everything has that magical Christmassy glow to it – the streets are lined with snow, choirs of carol singers have gathered in the town square and Santa’s waiting for you to hop up onto his jolly knee.

No, sorry, we got that completely wrong. What we meant was that the streets are lined with boozy puke from a million rubbish company Christmas parties, gangs of monosyllabic happyslappers with homemade knives have gathered in the town square and Santa’s being questioned by the police on suspicion of being the Suffolk Strangler. Merry Christmas everyone!

In truth, nothing is more Christmassy than a good old-fashioned race to become Christmas number one. The Christmas number one has a special place in the hearts of the British people, and so over the next few days we’ll be taking a closer look at some of the contenders hoping to be named as Christmas number one this coming Sunday before inevitably deciding that Leona Lewis is probably going to get it anyway and we needn’t have bothered.

Here are the Christmas Number One betting odds for El Chombo, Andy Abraham featuring Michael Underwood and Eskimo Disco featuring Pingu…

It's the week before Christmas, and everything has that magical Christmassy glow to it - the streets are lined with snow, choirs of carol singers have gathered in the town square and Santa's waiting for you to hop up onto his jolly knee. No, sorry, we got that completely wrong. What we meant was that the streets are lined with boozy puke from a million rubbish company Christmas parties, gangs of monosyllabic happyslappers with homemade knives have gathered in the town square and Santa's being questioned by the police on suspicion of being the Suffolk Strangler. Merry Christmas everyone! In truth, nothing is more Christmassy than a good old-fashioned race to become Christmas number one. The Christmas number one has a special place in the hearts of the British people, and so over the next few days we'll be taking a closer look at some of the contenders hoping to be named as Christmas number one this coming Sunday before inevitably deciding that Leona Lewis is probably going to get it anyway and we needn't have bothered. Here are the Christmas Number One betting odds for El Chombo, Andy Abraham featuring Michael Underwood and Eskimo Disco featuring Pingu...
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Anyone see Buzzcocks a couple of weeks back? Jamelia and Lilly Allen, that was gonna kick off, eh? Folded is good, Creased is bad etc etc…

Folded:

* That Lynx ad with the girls on the beach (fuck, it’s great though, isn’t it?)
* Having bad handwriting (so bad your girlfriend has to write all your Christmas cards? Now you’re laughing)
* Futurama coming back (that’s next year, but it’s worth getting excited about now)
* Secrets and Lies (on telly a short while back. It’s still about the best British film ever made. Even better than The Wicker Man)
* Bond composer David Arnold (the next John Barry. Not a chance. Talented? Definitely)

Creased:

* People who use pushchairs as shopping trolleys (squashing up the high street when they should be playing with their bloody kids in a park or something)
* The Simpsons movie (this seems like sacrilege, but we’re already worried. How can they possibly maintain the quality? We say end it. Now)
* Tittybangbang2 (we have moaned about this series before. Yes, it’s fresh; yes this new series is actually funnier than the last, but where are the real belly laughs, the actual comedy?
* Microsoft Zune (word is it’s no iPod beater. More the pity for all those sick of the white earplug brigade)
* Chances of a white Christmas (not great apparently)

Keep voting for Chris Laverty (The Heckler) in the Empire Thunderdome. And cheer up, it’ll soon be Christmas.

Anyone see Buzzcocks a couple of weeks back? Jamelia and Lilly Allen, that was gonna kick off, eh? Folded is good, Creased is bad etc etc... Folded: * That Lynx ad with the girls on the beach (fuck, it’s great though, isn’t it?) * Having bad handwriting (so bad your girlfriend has to write all your Christmas cards? Now you’re laughing) * Futurama coming back (that’s next year, but it’s worth getting excited about now) * Secrets and Lies (on telly a short while back. It’s still about the best British film ever made. Even better than The Wicker Man) * Bond composer David Arnold (the next John Barry. Not a chance. Talented? Definitely) Creased: * People who use pushchairs as shopping trolleys (squashing up the high street when they should be playing with their bloody kids in a park or something) * The Simpsons movie (this seems like sacrilege, but we’re already worried. How can they possibly maintain the quality? We say end it. Now) * Tittybangbang2 (we have moaned about this series before. Yes, it’s fresh; yes this new series is actually funnier than the last, but where are the real belly laughs, the actual comedy? * Microsoft Zune (word is it’s no iPod beater. More the pity for all those sick of the white earplug brigade) * Chances of a white Christmas (not great apparently) Keep voting for Chris Laverty (The Heckler) in the Empire Thunderdome. And cheer up, it’ll soon be Christmas.
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Bob Dylan Throws A Gigantic Wobbly About Factory Girl

by Stuart Heritage

Bob Dylan seems to be relishing his role as Favourite Elderly Wank Fantasy Of Middle-Aged Rock Critics, because it’s giving him the chance to speak out on anything he wants to, like how unutterably rubbish the new Sienna Miller film Factor Girl looks.

To be fair to Bob Dylan, he isn’t angry at Factory Girl because it looks like the most horribly ill-conceived and transparent attempt at an Oscar-worthy film that’s been made in years, or because all sensible people would rather staple their eyes closed and run through a minefield than watch a Sienna Miller film. Instead, Bob Dylan is angry because there’s a character in the forthcoming movie played by Hayden Christensen who a) is very obviously meant to be Bob Dylan and b) is indirectly responsible for the main character’s suicide. And Bob Dylan is so angry with Factory Girl that he wants to stop the film being released at all.

Bob Dylan seems to be relishing his role as Favourite Elderly Wank Fantasy Of Middle-Aged Rock Critics, because it's giving him the chance to speak out on anything he wants to, like how unutterably rubbish the new Sienna Miller film Factor Girl looks. To be fair to Bob Dylan, he isn't angry at Factory Girl because it looks like the most horribly ill-conceived and transparent attempt at an Oscar-worthy film that's been made in years, or because all sensible people would rather staple their eyes closed and run through a minefield than watch a Sienna Miller film. Instead, Bob Dylan is angry because there's a character in the forthcoming movie played by Hayden Christensen who a) is very obviously meant to be Bob Dylan and b) is indirectly responsible for the main character's suicide. And Bob Dylan is so angry with Factory Girl that he wants to stop the film being released at all.
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The Killers To Do A Rubbish Bond 22 Theme-Tune?

by Stuart Heritage

Now that mostly everyone seems to think that Casino Royale was a partial success – even if was 30 minutes too long and didn’t have enough scenes of space lasers blowing up invisible cars – it’s time to look to the next James Bond film.

The plot of James Bond 22 isn’t too much of a secret – we saw one of the baddies that James Bond is after at the end of Casino Royale, and we’re fairly certain that there won’t be a single joke in the entire sodding film – but the big question is about who’s going to do the theme-tune to Bond 22? According to Brandon Flowers from The Killers, it’s going to be them. Which would be good, aside from the fact that The Killers are really lousy and their song is bound to be shit.

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Nicole Richie To Be Banged Up For Her Mental Drug Arrest?

by Stuart Heritage

You have to admit that it takes a special kind of person to get loaded up on pot and Vicodin and drive the wrong way up the motorway before claiming that you were following your invisible friends, but Nicole Richie sure is special.

As if Nicole Richie’s spectacular arrest earlier in the week on suspicion of being a complete effing plank wasn’t bad enough, it now looks as if her troubles are about to worsen. Thanks to a previous drink driving arrest four years ago – and another arrest for possession of heroin six months later – it looks very much like Nicole Richie will be hit with a mandatory jail sentence. If that’s the case, the producers of The Simple Life had better get their heads together and dream up an amusing violin sound effect for when Nicole Richie gets shivved in the thigh by an obese female arsonist in the canteen line.

You have to admit that it takes a special kind of person to get loaded up on pot and Vicodin and drive the wrong way up the motorway before claiming that you were following your invisible friends, but Nicole Richie sure is special. As if Nicole Richie's spectacular arrest earlier in the week on suspicion of being a complete effing plank wasn't bad enough, it now looks as if her troubles are about to worsen. Thanks to a previous drink driving arrest four years ago - and another arrest for possession of heroin six months later - it looks very much like Nicole Richie will be hit with a mandatory jail sentence. If that's the case, the producers of The Simple Life had better get their heads together and dream up an amusing violin sound effect for when Nicole Richie gets shivved in the thigh by an obese female arsonist in the canteen line.
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Rod Stewart Mentally Pokes Duchess Of Cornwall

by Shawn Lindseth

Many people around the world have an expectation or fantasy, if you will, of just how they'll interact with actual royalty if ever given the chance. Typical said fantasy may be of a ride in the royal pumpkin carriage, kissing one that's been poisoned for the purpose of revitalisation, or even simply paying massive amounts [...]

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